Buzz
The term "authenticity" has become the latest trend. From jeans to chips to guided tours of historical sites, almost everything is now tagged as "authentic," meaning essentially genuine. But beneath this concept of authenticity, or being real, lies more. In a fast-paced world, full of shallow impressions, there is a lot of deceit, false perfection, and masks. We strive to meet certain ideals and expectations, often losing our "true selves" along the way. Yet, it is entirely possible to stay true to who you are and to the people around you, embracing those messy, authentic parts that shape your unique identity.
Process
Knowing Yourself
Understand what authenticity really means. Psychologists define authenticity as expressing one’s true self in everyday actions. In simple terms, it means allowing your core values to shine through in everything you believe, say, and do. Authentic individuals accept themselves fully, embracing both strengths and flaws. They act in alignment with their values, steering clear of behaviors that conflict with them. Authenticity, at its heart, is about being true and unpretentious.
- The journey to being real starts with a deliberate choice to embrace genuineness. This must be an intentional decision. You also need to commit to living authentically, even when it feels difficult or when you are exposed. Being real may require actions that aren’t popular with others, and it may force you to confront less flattering parts of yourself. However, this step is crucial, as recognizing your values, strengths, and shortcomings leads to a more open, sincere, and authentic life.
- Living authentically positively impacts mental health. Studies have shown that authentic people have better self-esteem, are more resilient when facing adversity, and are less inclined to resort to harmful coping mechanisms like substance abuse. Authentic individuals also exhibit greater purpose in their decisions, are more goal-oriented, and are committed to achieving success.
Develop a deep commitment to becoming more self-aware. To live authentically, it's essential to truly understand yourself. The journey to authenticity begins with self-knowledge. Throughout life, especially in childhood, we absorb beliefs from the people around us—both their actions and words—which we often mistake for our own. Becoming self-aware means questioning these adopted beliefs and distinguishing between what truly aligns with you and what was merely influenced by others. This process allows you to strip away the layers and find your true values.
- Self-awareness is empowering because it helps you align your actions with your values. For example, if you believe in God, attending church regularly may resonate with your values. Conversely, if you're unsure or no longer believe, taking a break from church might feel right as you reflect on your beliefs.
- Remember that self-awareness is an ongoing journey, not a final destination you achieve and forget about.
- To nurture self-awareness, regularly assess your emotional state. Set random reminders throughout the day to prompt you to check in with how you're feeling.
- Refining your emotional vocabulary is key. Are you merely sad, or do you feel vulnerable? Are you happy, or are you fulfilled emotionally?
Write about yourself to discover who you really are. Self-reflection through writing helps clarify what truly matters to you. By putting your thoughts on paper, you begin to see the patterns of your beliefs and values. This is a great way to uncover your inner self.
- Start with journaling. It provides a window into your thoughts, allowing you to track your progress and reflect on past experiences. It’s also a useful tool for spotting trends in your emotional and mental life.
- If you find it difficult to journal without skirting around important topics, use prompts like "Things I love" or "Who am I today" to spark deeper reflection. Set a timer for 10 minutes and let your thoughts flow on that topic. This helps bring clarity about what you truly value.
- You can also complete this sentence to invite self-exploration: "If you really knew me, you'd know this: ___________.” This can be done privately or shared with a friend to dive deeper into your core values.
Continuously question yourself. Cultivate curiosity by regularly asking yourself thought-provoking questions that help you stay centered and focused on your true purpose. These questions prompt introspection, encouraging you to examine what truly matters and how to make decisions based on your personal values rather than external influences. Questions like: If money were no object, what would you do with your life? If your house were burning down, which three items would you rescue? What do you fear losing the most? What makes you unique compared to others?
- In addition to these deep questions, ask more simple, everyday ones to deepen your self-awareness: Are you more patient or impatient? Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Do you own your mistakes, or do you deflect blame? Do you lean towards "yes" or "no"? Are you a morning person or a night owl?
- Consider reexamining some of the beliefs you’ve held since childhood. Exploring different cultures, philosophies, and religious perspectives can provide fresh insight into what is truly authentic for you.
Listen to your self-talk. Self-awareness includes tuning into your inner dialogue. Pay attention not only to your external actions but also to how you speak to yourself. What narrative are you telling yourself? Is it a negative monologue where you criticize yourself for not being good enough, or do you practice self-compassion, focusing on your growth and learning from mistakes? Understanding your self-talk reveals your true feelings about yourself and your life path.
- Take time daily to sit quietly and listen to your inner voice. Breathe deeply and observe the thoughts that arise. Alternatively, try speaking your thoughts out loud in front of a mirror, confronting yourself with honesty and openness.
Take a personality quiz. While every person is inherently one of a kind, psychologists studying personality believe there are common traits within certain personality types. Knowing your personality type may offer insight into your patterns of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
- Although personality tests are widely available online and on social media, one of the most popular is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which evaluates four psychological dimensions: Extroversion-Introversion, Sensing-Intuition, Thinking-Feeling, and Judging-Perceiving. The MBTI identifies which side of each scale you tend to prefer.
- It’s crucial to understand that while personality tests can be fun and insightful, they cannot fully define who you are. Some tests have low validity and reliability, and they cannot capture the complexities of your identity. However, they can prompt useful reflection on how you see yourself.
Enhance your emotional awareness. Our emotions are instant reactions to the world around us, often providing valuable feedback about our inner state and our surroundings. While some people may avoid confronting their emotions, doing so can reveal what brings you joy, sadness, anxiety, and more. One way to become more attuned to your feelings is by noticing the physical signs of emotions. For instance:
- A fluttering in your stomach might suggest nervousness or anxiety.
- A warmth in your face could be a sign of embarrassment or anger.
- Tightening of the jaw or teeth might indicate frustration or anger.
Engage in solo activities. Take a break from the hustle and explore alone—whether it’s a hike, dining out solo, or even traveling by yourself. Many people find that time spent alone can help them better understand themselves, revealing their preferences and strengths. You might learn, for example, that you love wandering unfamiliar cities rather than following organized tours.
- While society often views solitude with suspicion, spending time by yourself can have tremendous benefits. It can build confidence, lessen your dependence on others' validation, help you prioritize your opinions over theirs, and provide space for reflection and reorientation during life’s changes. Solitude can also clarify your sense of direction and purpose in life.
Authenticity in Action
Reevaluate your personal values. Understand that being genuine is an ongoing journey. As life progresses, so do your beliefs. You’re not the same person at 30 as you were at 15, and your core values will evolve. At various points, you may experience cognitive dissonance—feeling discomfort when your beliefs or actions don’t align. Hence, you’ll always be rethinking your beliefs, letting go of those that no longer serve you, and embracing what feels right in the present moment. Authenticity requires continuous self-discovery and adjustment of your identity.
- For example, you may have believed at 13 that you wanted to marry and have children by 26, but at 30, you find yourself unmarried and without children. This may prompt you to reassess your values—perhaps education and career now take precedence, or you simply haven’t met the right person yet. Reflecting on your life helps redefine your beliefs and identity, which will change over time.
- It's challenging to be genuine without knowing your true desires, needs, and values. Embrace the reality that you evolve, and that’s perfectly okay!
Keep an open mind. Welcome new ideas and viewpoints. Thinking in terms of absolutes (e.g., good vs. bad) can restrict your understanding and hold you back from fully embracing who you are. Life is a journey of continual learning, and as your beliefs, thoughts, and values evolve, so does your authentic self.
- Openness can take many forms. Read a book or enroll in a course on something you’re unfamiliar with or perhaps something you thought you already understood. This can help you gain clarity on your beliefs and how you perceive the world around you.
- For instance, many university students undergo a profound shift in their sense of identity when they step outside their parents' influence for the first time, encountering new experiences and perspectives. Education serves as a powerful tool for broadening your outlook. You might have questions about religion and decide to explore a course on comparative religions. Or you may be curious about your role as a woman in society, prompting you to study women's studies at university.
- Maintaining a sense of curiosity about life helps you stay engaged and excited about the world around you.
Let go of your former self. It's tempting to believe that life remains static, but the truth is that both our lives and ourselves are always changing. While there are aspects of your identity—such as being creative or outgoing—that may persist over time, other parts of who you are will transform, and this can be unsettling.
- For example, perhaps as a child, you were taught to oppose gay marriage, but as you've matured, your views have shifted. That’s perfectly fine. Change is a natural and transformative part of growth. Release your former self and embrace who you are now. Embrace what feels right at this moment. It may feel frightening, but it’s essential for discovering your truest self.
Angelina Jolie, Actress & Humanitarian
Live authentically in the present. "It’s hard to be clear about who you are when you are carrying around a bunch of baggage from the past. I’ve learned to let go and move into the next place. Make bold choices and make mistakes. It's all those things that add up to the person you become."
Build your courage. To be authentic, you need courage. Sometimes, this means making yourself vulnerable to others' judgments when you choose to follow your own path rather than conforming to societal expectations. Additionally, introspection can prompt other life shifts that you must be ready to face. For instance, during a period of self-reflection, you may realize that you're unhappy in your current relationship, and much of your time has been spent pretending to be the ideal partner, doing what is expected of you. Standing up against societal pressures and others' expectations takes strength and bravery.
- Remember, you deserve love and acceptance for who you truly are. If others can’t embrace you for your true self, perhaps they’re not meant to be in your life.
- To overcome your fears, take time to understand what’s truly behind them. This way, you can address the core issue. For example, if you're afraid of success, it might not be success itself that scares you, but the fear of failure or the worry of not living up to others' expectations.
- Do not shame yourself. Becoming more self-aware means recognizing your imperfections. Nobody is flawless. Maybe you have tendencies like being controlling or bossy. Instead of feeling guilty, accept these imperfections and seek ways to deal with them. You may even find that these flaws can be advantageous in certain situations; for example, your need for control might make you incredibly punctual and reliable. And because you're aware of your flaws, you are better able to empathize with others when they stumble. Every aspect of yourself—imperfections included—shapes who you are.
Being Real With Others
Stand firm in your individuality. Often, we find ourselves conforming to the crowd or mimicking others simply to feel like we belong. This tendency is especially evident in social settings like unfamiliar parties or business meetings where we feel the need to impress. Our longing for acceptance often overshadows our desire to express our authentic selves. But this compromises the essence of being true to yourself, which at its core is about embracing your unique identity and doing what genuinely reflects your values and personality.
- Attempting to blend in by pretending to be something you're not only adds to the superficiality you're trying to avoid. The truth is, when you embrace who you are, you often attract more genuine friendships and achieve greater success, as you're aligned with your true passions rather than conforming to others' expectations.
- Peer pressure can have devastating consequences, with people being influenced into harmful behaviors just to fit in. Remember, the opinions of others shouldn’t dictate your choices. At the end of the day, you're the one who lives with the consequences of your actions, so trust your inner voice.
Distance yourself from harmful relationships. Toxic individuals can disguise themselves as friends, urging you to engage in activities you're uncomfortable with or making you feel inferior for being yourself.
- If you encounter people who mock you for your choices, such as how you dress, or pressure you into unhealthy behaviors, it's a sign that the friendship isn’t supportive. Healthy relationships should uplift and encourage you to be your best self, not bring you down for your individuality.
Be ready to assert your boundaries - and occasionally step out of your comfort zone. Standing firm in your values means being prepared to decline requests that don’t align with your beliefs. It's common to feel the urge to please others, but it takes strength to say 'no' when necessary. Over time, you’ll find that upholding your authenticity brings a sense of peace and confidence.
- At the same time, don't be afraid to embrace new experiences when the opportunity arises. Stepping out of your comfort zone can also be a form of being real, as it allows you to explore new aspects of yourself. For instance, saying 'yes' to trying a new activity, like exploring a new cuisine or taking on an adventure, even if you stumble along the way, helps you grow as a person.
Understand that you don't owe anyone an explanation. While we all seek validation, you don’t need to prove yourself to others or earn their approval to be worthy. Embrace your flaws and acknowledge your strengths with the same authenticity. If you can accept and love yourself as you are, others are more likely to do the same.
- Constantly pretending to be someone you're not is exhausting. When you stop pretending and start showing up as your true self, people are more likely to accept and even admire you for your honesty. For instance, maybe you're often late, but you consistently deliver excellent work. That's what truly matters.
Master the art of communication. Pay attention to how you express yourself and the way you communicate with others. While it’s important to be honest and open about your thoughts, you can do so without belittling others, especially when you don’t share the same views. Your words hold value when they're conveyed thoughtfully, with respect. A good rule of thumb is to use "I" statements that focus on your own feelings and actions, rather than using "You" statements that can come off as accusatory.
- For example, if you follow a vegetarian lifestyle, you can explain why you made that choice without labeling meat eaters as "vicious murderers." Share your personal journey and reasons behind your decisions, but leave space for others' choices. Being authentic means standing firm in your beliefs while respecting the choices of those around you.
- It's important to always pause and think before speaking, especially in sensitive or challenging situations. Thoughtful communication is key to maintaining positive interactions.
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Relationship Expert
Relationship Expert
Enhance your communication abilities by cultivating an open mind. A curious attitude is essential for fostering positive social connections. Take a step back, relax, and enjoy the process of engaging with others.
Share your commitment to authenticity with someone you trust. Choose a person who is close to you—someone you love and trust, who can ground you. This could be a partner, a family member, or a close friend. Whenever you're about to face a vulnerable situation, like a challenging meeting with your boss, lean on their support to boost your confidence and avoid slipping into inauthenticity.
- If you’re feeling nervous, reach out to your trusted person and share your emotions. For example, you might admit that you've been preparing what you think your boss wants to hear instead of staying true to your own message. Simply vocalizing that you’re not being authentic can help you stay mindful and real, adjusting your approach if needed. More often than not, supportive friends will encourage you to "be yourself" in tough situations. Take their advice seriously.
Create a personal power anthem or routine. There are moments when our nerves get the best of us, and we feel tempted to break promises we made to ourselves. For those times when you're uncertain, like attending a party or wedding where you're unfamiliar with everyone, or starting a new school or job, find a way to get yourself pumped up and feeling good about who you are. Write down key words that define your identity and repeat them—maybe even shout them out loud! Recite an inspiring poem that resonates with you. Curate a playlist of songs that encourage you to be true to yourself.
- Whatever you choose to do, ensure it centers you and brings you back to your core. This focus will remind you of who you are and what truly matters.
Respect the authenticity of others. Always remember the golden rule: treat others how you wish to be treated. What feels real for one person may differ greatly from someone else's truth. It’s crucial not to assign judgment or value to others’ experiences; after all, what’s real for one person is just that—their reality. Embrace the differences that make people unique, and celebrate them. This diversity is what makes life interesting and dynamic!
- Don’t be intimidated by differences—whether they’re related to sexual, spiritual, professional, or physical aspects. Instead, acknowledge and honor the authenticity of others, and they will do the same for you.
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Stop pretending to be someone you’re not. Just be YOU. Every person is unique in their own way; focus on the qualities that make you who you are and celebrate them.
