Buzz
There comes a time for all of us when it feels like the world just doesn't seem to care about us the way we'd want. If you've been stuck in that mindset for too long, it might be time to take charge. A quick shift in how you think, combined with a few social tips, could have you becoming that person people gravitate toward in no time.
Action Steps
Entering the Right Mindset
Embrace who you are. You've probably heard this advice countless times: In order to attract others, you must first accept yourself. It sounds simple, but it's not always easy, right? Yet, when you think about someone with low self-esteem, they're often negative, overly defensive, and not particularly enjoyable to be around. Imagine how different their life could be if they truly embraced who they are.
- Make a list of your strengths. Do something that boosts your happiness and self-confidence. Don't shy away from challenging yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone. This step is essential—don't skip it. You don't have to be the life of the party or an entertainer, but a solid sense of self-worth is crucial.
Be authentic. Once you're at ease with who you are, stick with it. Pretending to be something you're not and constantly trying to uphold an image is not only exhausting, but it's also a major turn-off. Embrace your true self, imperfections included. Rather than trying to be a pale imitation of someone else, aim to be the best version of yourself—there's really no better way. Why settle for anything less?
- It may surprise you, but studies suggest that showing vulnerability, like embarrassing yourself in front of others, can actually increase their trust and liking towards you! When you think about it, it makes sense: you reveal your authentic self, flaws and all. It's refreshing! Suddenly, you're no longer a perfect being, and that’s actually a good thing. The more genuine you are, the better the connection.
Get excited about life. Let's be honest here: Imagine being in bed with someone who's just going through the motions—no real emotion, no clear signals. Would you want to try that again? Probably not. The same principle applies to life! People are naturally drawn to those who bring energy and enthusiasm wherever they go. There's no reason you can't be that person.
- Once you start finding excitement in the small things, the enthusiasm will naturally follow. After all, life is short. Not every cup of coffee has to be extraordinary (in fact, it might even be disappointing), but you can still get excited about it. Woo, coffee! It’s here! Morning jitters, let’s go!
Stay curious. This is primarily about being interested in others, but really, curiosity should extend to the entire world around you. When something is presented to you, take the time to think about it. Don’t just accept it at face value. If there's something you're unsure about, take the opportunity to learn more. This applies not only to concepts but also to people.
- The next time you meet someone who's 24 and casually mentions their experience with chainmail or working as a sous-chef at a top French bistro, let your jaw drop in astonishment and ask them to explain. Don't hold back—show genuine curiosity!
Maintain personal hygiene. In case you've been living under a rock, humans prefer to interact with people who don't smell. There's still no scientific consensus on why this is, but it’s true. So, do yourself a favor and take a shower, brush your teeth, and dress like a human being. People will ignore you if you don't make an effort.
- It’s not just about taking a shower—putting some thought into your appearance goes a long way. Humans are superficial creatures, and studies like Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink" reveal how much looks impact our judgment. Just look at Woodrow Wilson and his good looks, or JFK, whose image helped him win the election. Whether we admit it or not, being attractive can open many doors.
Understand how you’re perceived. Human interactions happen on three levels: verbal, non-verbal, and paraverbal. You probably have a handle on the first two, but paraverbal is the "how" of communication—the tone, pitch, and pacing of your speech. These factors matter just as much!
- Start by observing someone who's really well-liked. How do they carry themselves in relation to others? Do they seem approachable when alone? Pay attention to how they speak—what they say and how they say it. Once you identify patterns, start paying attention to yourself. What can you adjust in your own behavior to create more positive connections?
Understand the gender dynamics. This principle applies in all settings, but it's particularly noticeable in the workplace. Men and women are often judged by different standards when it comes to being liked. A man who is assertive or even angry might be praised for his passion, while a woman showing the same emotions might be labeled as out of control. Keep this in mind when receiving advice or forming your own opinions—gender differences are often at play.
- Though not universal, it’s generally true that women tend to be more liked when they adopt a softer approach. Case in point: Hillary Clinton. She’s been the subject of countless jokes, but why? Because she navigates a man’s world as if she’s one of them. She's remarkable and a powerful role model, so if you're a woman, try to find a balance between her and June Cleaver.
Mastering the Art of Conversation
Truly care about others. Show interest in what others are passionate about. When people sense your genuine interest, they’ll return the favor. Humans are fascinating like that—they often pick up on these cues!
- If you greet someone with a warm smile as soon as they walk into the room, they’ll notice. How amazing would it feel to be received with such warmth? You have the power to make people feel appreciated just by showing sincere interest in them because, after all, you're just like them. It’s not about being vulnerable—it’s about being authentic.
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Relationship Expert
Relationship Expert
Prioritize enjoying interactions with others. Focus on relaxing and enjoying your conversations instead of obsessing over a specific goal (like landing a date). This approach will likely leave you more content with the outcome in the end!
Be genuine. Show kindness in everything you do. Speak from the heart. Avoid manipulating others or telling lies. Ultimately, treat others as you’d want to be treated. If you're looking to make an impression anywhere, being authentic and warm will help you succeed.
- Start by being patient and respectful with everyone. Listen, offer help when possible, and do things for others out of kindness, not for personal gain. No matter your mood, try your best to be kind. When you're feeling down, acting sincerely and kindly towards others can actually lift your spirits.
Let them do the talking. Nearly everyone enjoys talking about themselves. They also enjoy those who are willing to listen. Unfortunately, some people will always try to steer conversations towards themselves. Make the most of this by encouraging them to talk! Ask questions about them and let them share.
- For example, when you run into a coworker, greet them by name and ask, "How was your weekend?" If they give a short response like, "Good, good. Spent time with the family," instead of replying with a simple, "That sounds nice," keep the conversation going by saying, "Oh, do you not see them often?" This will prompt them to share more, and as long as you show genuine interest, they’ll keep talking!
Don't be afraid to laugh at yourself. This can be tricky—if you're too serious about it, people might wonder whether you're joking or genuinely self-critical. But if you say it with a smile and a laugh, you’ll be just fine. For example, when Conan O'Brien joked about Michael Phelps being 'out of shape,' he added, "If he's out of shape, then I've been dead for five years." Being able to laugh at yourself is a charming trait.
- Having a good sense of humor is key. When people get to know each other, there's often a playful banter that helps build camaraderie and trust. If you can joke around with others, it shows you’re easygoing, flexible, and comfortable in your own skin.
- Feel free to use other kinds of humor too! If it brings the group together, even better. When you get people on the same page, they feel more comfortable around you. So make them laugh!
Flirt and compliment. Everyone enjoys a little flirtation. It’s playful and flattering, making us feel attractive and noticed. Who wouldn't like that? What’s less enjoyable, though, is flirting with someone who isn't responding to it. So go ahead and initiate the flirtation. You’ll come across as friendly, open, and fun—how great is that?
- Physical touch can create an immediate connection. Imagine someone saying hello, giving you a wave, and walking away. Now picture someone greeting you, lightly touching your shoulder with a smile and eye contact. Who do you feel closer to?
Make them feel important. This doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. In fact, it shouldn’t be. The small gestures often have the most impact. So get personal. Show someone you're genuinely interested in them as an individual, and they’ll likely do the same for you.
- Use the person's name in conversation. It’s one of the most pleasant sounds to anyone’s ears, as Dale Carnegie pointed out. And if it’s a new acquaintance, it’ll help you remember their name!
- Recall little details. Did your boss mention his daughter’s cookie sale offhand last week? Ask him how it went. You might even get a free cookie out of it.
Don’t make it all about you. Insecurity often manifests as self-centeredness. Some people believe being self-absorbed makes them appear impressive, but it usually just makes them seem selfish. Instead, they should focus on others. Shifting the attention to someone else will make them feel more at ease and help them connect better with you.
- When someone compliments you, just say, "Thank you." Resist the urge to turn the conversation into a self-congratulatory monologue. You don’t need to name-drop or talk about your accomplishments. These things will come up naturally as conversations unfold, so there’s no need to force them in.
Stay positive. It’s pretty straightforward—people are drawn to happiness and positivity. If you have an optimistic outlook, it’s refreshing to be around. While it might feel tempting to downplay your achievements or come off as a cynical intellectual (we all know that person), avoid it. It’s not good for your mood, your appearance, or the people around you.
- That said, there is a time and place to empathize. Complaining, when done in moderation, can actually help people bond. But be discerning! If your boss enforces mandatory overtime and cancels casual Fridays, that’s a reasonable time to vent. Complaining about Sheila stealing the last donut? Not so much. Choose your battles wisely.
Know when to end the conversation. No conversation should go on forever. Some should be shorter than others, especially when the energy fades. When the conversation starts to dwindle, recognize it and wrap it up. Let the person know you enjoyed chatting (unless it was a truly painful conversation, in which case, why continue?) and say you’ll catch up later.
- If the conversation turns awkward, politely excuse yourself. A simple, "Well, I have to go. Catch you later!" is more than enough. And remember, you’re not alone—awkward conversations make up 17% of all discussions. Maybe science will back this up soon, who knows?
Mastering the Art
Practice good manners. Think back to the last time you spent time with someone who was downright rude. If it was recently, you were probably stuck with a disgruntled relative. But if you had a choice, you'd avoid that, right? So don’t be the grumpy elder. Use "please," "thank you," and hold the door for others. Can you think of a reason not to?
- Being rude and treating people as if they're beneath you isn't impressive. Tip your waiter, ask about their day, and don’t scowl at the clerk for cleaning up aisle 5. Be courteous to everyone you meet.
Master emotional self-control. The most likable people are the ones who are calm, relaxed, and easy-going. If you act neurotic, overly dramatic, or paranoid, especially around strangers, you’re likely to push them away. Try not to let small frustrations or setbacks get to you. Losing your cool only stresses you out and makes others uncomfortable.
- This doesn’t mean you should be distant to others' emotional needs, but rather help in a calm and reasonable way. People are drawn to those who are emotionally stable and upbeat. Don’t take harmless jokes to heart and develop a good sense of humor about things.
Get involved. Just putting yourself out there is a huge step! For instance, if you're on a sports team, it gives you a conversation starter and lets others see that you have common interests. Humans are naturally drawn to people who share similar experiences and passions. So join a club or group, and surround yourself with people. You can’t be popular if you’re sitting alone at home!
- It’s easier to get along with people you already have something in common with. A club or group can be the perfect place to practice your social skills and meet new people!
Smile and make eye contact. You could be saying the most fascinating things, but if you’re scowling and staring at your coffee cup, no one is going to pay attention. Soon enough, you’ll be the person sitting alone, talking to their drink. So, flash a smile! Let people know you're approachable and engaged. And when someone speaks to you, look them in the eye! It's not rocket science.
- When we feel nervous, it's easy to avoid eye contact. If this is something you struggle with, make it a habit to look at the person you’re talking to. If you don’t, it can come off as rude—especially if they’re sharing something important to them. As a rule of thumb, if it's a serious topic, make an effort to look them in the eye. If it’s just casual conversation, you can afford to let your gaze wander.
Stay informed. To hold your own in conversations, it's important to use the right tone, exhibit welcoming body language, and radiate positivity. But without anything to contribute, you might feel like you have nothing to add. So keep up with current trends! Watch TV, surf the web, and stay in the loop. You'll feel much more confident when you have interesting things to discuss.
- Not everyone shares your interests. This means you won't win everyone over. If you're deep into NASA's latest discoveries and just saw the Doctor Who special, that may not fit in with the group watching Real Housewives of Alcatraz. Stick to what excites you—it's what truly matters.
Don't overdo it. We all know that person who’s overly nice—constantly giving compliments, bending over backward to please everyone, and never making decisions for fear of offending someone. Don't become the doormat! You'll actually be more likable when you have a strong sense of self. Without that, there’s no personality left to be liked.
- Just to reiterate: you can’t please everyone. Some people will click with you, and others won’t. It’s simply how the world works. If you don’t mesh with someone, don’t sweat it. You’ll find someone you do get along with.
Be confident because you’re amazing. Seriously. If you feel like others don’t like you, it’s probably just in your mind. You have a unique personality that adds value to this world. You just have to showcase it to see it for yourself! So get out there! You can't win if you don't take the chance.
Master Charisma with this Expert Series
1
Develop a Remarkable Personality
2
Develop a Charismatic Personality
3
Stand Out with Your Personality
4
Be Charming
5
Attract People with Your Energy
6
Enhance Your Personality
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Embrace adventure. People are drawn to those who are willing to step out of their comfort zones and try new experiences. Be bold, curious, and open-minded; you never know where it might lead.
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Always stay true to yourself. It's tempting to pretend to be someone you're not if others seem to like that persona, but it's never a sustainable solution. Be authentic, and surround yourself with people who appreciate you for who you really are.
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Take small steps. Transforming your personality is a long journey, so don’t rush or expect immediate results. Set manageable goals and focus on making steady progress, one step at a time.
Cautions
- Never allow yourself to be used, nor use others. A balanced relationship is key. If you find yourself constantly chasing after someone without receiving equal effort in return, it may be time for a conversation. If things don’t improve, maintain politeness, but distance yourself from the relationship.
- This guide isn’t about achieving popularity. It’s simply about being liked. So, don’t feel frustrated if you don’t climb the social ladder right away.
