Buzz
There are various reasons that might lead you to become the "third person" in a secret affair, but you must consider the potential consequences for his wife and family, as well as for your own mental well-being. If you’ve already entered into this relationship, discretion is key—avoid public places where either of you might be recognized, and never share details of your affair on social media. Keep things exciting and enjoyable by planning weekend getaways and cherishing every moment you spend together!
Steps
Be mindful of your own needs
Clarify your expectations and understand your role in his life. Be clear from the start that you will not be his top priority. Don’t expect him to leave his wife eventually (and if that’s what you’re hoping for, you may need to reconsider your motives for becoming his mistress). By setting clear boundaries early on, you can enjoy the relationship longer without falling into disappointment and heartache.
- At the beginning of the relationship, it’s best for both parties to agree on their expectations—let him know you don’t expect him to become your boyfriend and that you’re only looking for fun.
Ensure you’re comfortable with the secrecy of the relationship. If you choose to become a mistress, you must accept that you’ll be a hidden partner, and that your relationship will remain concealed from his family and your friends. This means no romantic couple photos, limited public outings, and a private life kept under wraps.
- It’s important to acknowledge that this relationship won’t evolve into something serious, as it’s purely for enjoyment. Accepting this from the start can help you avoid long-term disappointment and heartache.
Consider the impact on his wife and children, if he has any. You may have already thought about this, but take time to reflect deeply. If you’re concerned about the consequences of your affair on his wife and family, think about what it means for the future. Will you resent him? Will it affect your self-esteem? Make sure you’re at peace with your decision to avoid negative repercussions down the line.
- Since everyone’s situation is unique, there’s no rigid rule forcing you to end or continue the affair—you must decide based on your own circumstances.
Cultivate other meaningful relationships and personal interests. Being the woman on the sidelines of a man’s life often means missing out on special occasions and spending holidays alone. Prepare for this inevitability by maintaining other relationships (and even romantic connections, if you wish) to ensure a fulfilling and joyful life. You’ll have plenty of free time, which can be wonderful if you have hobbies or other pursuits.
- Being a mistress allows you to fulfill certain personal needs while remaining free to focus on your career, personal growth, health, and other relationships.
Regularly reflect on yourself and know when to walk away. Always listen to your emotions, needs, and desires. If you start feeling bored or frustrated, it may be time to end the affair. On the other hand, if you constantly dream of becoming his wife someday, you’re setting yourself up for bitter disappointment. Protect yourself from emotional harm by prioritizing your own needs.
- Create space to develop feelings for someone else. You might meet someone compatible who you’d like to date openly, and you deserve a love that doesn’t require secrecy.
Advice: If you need guidance but don’t want to talk to friends, consider consulting a therapist. Their advice can help you process your thoughts and may even teach you valuable lessons.
Maintain secrecy
Avoid places frequented by his friends and family. One of the key rules to avoid detection is to remain discreet. You likely know the area where your lover resides, where his wife shops or runs errands, the school his children attend, and other private locations. Steer clear of these areas, especially when encountering him in public.
- If his home is near yours or your workplaces are close and you happen to see him with his family in public, ignore him. If a greeting is necessary, keep it polite, professional, and brief before moving on.
Be extremely cautious about leaving your belongings in his private spaces. Many affairs are uncovered when the wife finds personal items like underwear, jewelry, makeup, or other belongings of the mistress. Keep all personal items in your bag or at your place, and double-check to ensure nothing is left behind if you meet in shared spaces.
- Additionally, avoid sending gifts or packages to his home or office. Wait until you meet him in person to hand over any items to prevent interception.
Refrain from calling or texting when he is with his family. Remember, you are not his priority, and to keep things smooth, you must respect the boundaries and time he dedicates to his family. Contacting him while he is at home with his wife and children risks exposing your affair, which could anger him and lead to a breakup. At the very least, it will create tension during your future meetings.
- It may be difficult, but let him decide the frequency of communication between you two.
- Advise him against actions like purchasing a second phone to contact you. If his wife discovers the secret phone, she will undoubtedly suspect something is amiss.
Use an alias if you plan to share your story with others. It’s best to remain silent to keep the relationship confidential, but if you must confide in someone, avoid using your lover’s real name or identifiable traits. Friends are naturally curious for details, so decide beforehand whether you’ll fabricate stories or feign innocence.
- Be prepared for serious feedback. When you tell friends or family that you’re involved with a married person, they may not support your choices, so think carefully before confiding in close ones.
Avoid sharing your love life on social media. Even if you think your posts are vague and discreet, someone might still notice a revealing detail and guess what's going on behind the scenes. It's best to keep your romantic life private online to avoid exposure.
Tip: If you want to preserve memories, keep physical items like movie tickets, menus, dried flowers, and other mementos in a box at home.
Cherish your time together
Plan weekend getaways. To enjoy quality time together without the risk of being seen in public, you and your partner should take trips to new destinations. Explore a fresh location and savor moments meant just for the two of you.
Keep things smooth and enjoy fun activities together. You might not have daily or nightly outings, and most of your meetups could be at your place or a secondary spot. However, this doesn’t mean you can’t have enjoyable moments! If you’re looking for something new, try cooking a meal together instead of dining out, or book a couples’ massage as a romantic gesture.
Avoid commenting on his relationship with his wife. Even if he complains about his family life or his spouse, refrain from making negative remarks or comparing yourself to her. Instead, focus on the present moment. You can change the subject or simply say something like, “But you’re not with her now—let’s just enjoy our time together tonight!”
Tip: Whenever you feel the urge to complain about his wife, take a deep breath, count to five, and ask yourself, “What will I gain from saying this?” Nothing! It will only shift attention to his marriage rather than you.
Let him initiate contact—this way, you won’t seem too clingy. A secret affair can easily fall apart due to possessiveness and jealousy. Remember, he has his own life to manage. Your time together will be much more enjoyable if you don’t bombard him with messages demanding more of his time.
Advice
- Never threaten to expose the affair to his wife or family to pressure him into leaving her. This could backfire, and you might lose everything you have.
- If his wife confronts you to “clear things up,” it’s probably best to confess and end the relationship. Once she knows, she’ll keep a closer eye on him, leaving you with little chance to continue seeing him.
