How to Become an Honest Person

No one likes lies. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels easier to lie to others or even to ourselves rather than speak the truth. However, this should not be the case. Learning how to become an honest person and avoiding situations that might lead you to lie can help bring peace of mind and prevent guilt in our relationships. By shifting your perspective slightly and aiming for honesty, you can feel that there is no need to lie and that telling the truth becomes easier. Continue with Step 1 to learn more.

Consider why you lie and whom you lie to. We’ve all lied at some point, whether to different people or to ourselves, for various reasons. If you can’t pinpoint why you lie or to whom, it will be difficult to follow through on your plan to become an honest person.

• Lying to enhance your image is when we tell stories, either to others or ourselves, with exaggerations, embellishments, or even complete fabrications, to feel better about our own flaws. When we are dissatisfied with something, we tend to prefer lies over the truth.
• Lying to fit in with people who we think are better than us, as we respect them and want their respect in return. Unfortunately, this usually leads to being disrespected because of the lie. Be a trustworthy person so others can empathize with you and understand you better.
• Lying to avoid embarrassment could be when we lie to cover up bad behavior, guilt, or any action that we feel ashamed of. For example, if your mother finds a pack of cigarettes in your bag, you might lie and say it belongs to a friend to avoid getting in trouble.
• We lie to superiors or those in authority to avoid embarrassment or punishment, even lying to ourselves. When we do something wrong and feel guilty, we lie to cover up our fault, preventing punishment, and continue the same misguided behavior that we had to lie about. This creates a vicious cycle.

Anticipate actions that might make you feel guilty later. To avoid embarrassment and the need to lie further, it's important to foresee actions that might lead to feelings of guilt and avoid them. When you lie, you must hide a truth, and you may think that the truth can be easily concealed by a lie. At that moment, you may feel comforted by the hidden truth or even forget about the actions that caused your embarrassment.

• If you smoke and everyone knows it, there’s no need to lie. Own up to it if you do. A behavior that you’re not willing to admit is probably best avoided. Your partner will feel embarrassed if they find out about an affair with a colleague—if you don’t do it, you won’t have to lie.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Sometimes, we lie to appear more impressive and better than our true selves. Because we constantly compete and compare ourselves with others, we may immediately lie to cover up any perceived shortcomings. If you stop competing with others and become content with who you are, you'll realize that you no longer need to lie to lift yourself up—you're already in a good place!

• Don’t say what others want to hear. Let them praise you, act as if you’re unaware they’re ‘playing’ with you, and pretend you’re being influenced by them. Speak from your heart, tell the truth, and don’t worry at all whether it’ll harm your image. People value honesty, even if the truth makes them uncomfortable.
• Impress others with your honesty, not with your exaggerations. Many lie to impress others, weaving elaborate false stories to get attention. If you can’t contribute a tale about your European travels, simply sit back and listen quietly for the next topic, rather than making up a story about studying abroad in Majorca.

Accept and face the consequences of being honest. Sometimes, it’s better to admit that you've lied, deceived, or acted improperly, rather than continuing the falsehood. By doing so, you’ll feel liberated and at peace. Even if you confess, you must face the consequences, but those consequences will be the ones you truly deserve.

Do things that make you proud. You won’t need to lie if you feel good about who you are. Those around you who care for and understand you will respect the real you. Do things that bring you joy and make you proud of yourself.

• Drinking too much every night may provide temporary relief and pleasure, but the next morning at work, you'll suffer from a pounding headache, and you’ll feel regretful and guilty when you can’t perform. Take care of yourself both physically and mentally. Don’t do things that will make you feel guilty later.

Avoid situations where you might have to lie for others. Be cautious when someone tells you a secret that you know should be shared with someone else (e.g., a crime, a scam, or any harmful behavior). Hearing these things can put you in a difficult position, especially when others know the truth, and the person involved knows you are aware of the entire story.

• If someone starts telling you something with, ‘Don’t say anything about this,’ be ready to refuse: ‘If it’s not relevant to me, don’t tell me. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone’s secrets, except my own.’

Distinguish between what you want to say and what the listener needs to know. Sometimes, we feel an overwhelming urge to speak up when we have something to say. Whether you're scolding a roommate for rudeness, having an honest conversation with a spouse, or debating with a teacher, it's crucial to be truthful. However, if you speak too much, you may damage the relationship and even say things you don’t fully understand. Be mindful not to speak excessively; try to differentiate between what the other person needs to know and what you want to say to make yourself feel better.

• Someone else needs to know if their ignorance could lead to physical or emotional harm, or if they continue actions that affect others. Your roommate should know that their excessive drinking makes you uncomfortable in your own space, but that doesn't mean your relationship will necessarily suffer.
• You may want to say something when you're angry or stressed, but you can express your thoughts more tactfully to help the listener understand what you're trying to convey. If you're arguing about the superficiality of your relationship, you may want to say, “I’ve had enough, and I don’t want to continue this relationship,” but it’s more considerate to say, “I think we should reevaluate this relationship.” This conveys the same point but in a more respectful way.

Always act with tact. People appreciate honesty, but sometimes being too direct can prevent you from achieving your goals. Consider the consequences of your words and express them in a way that doesn't hurt or upset others. Learn to present your views tactfully.

• Use the pronoun “I” when sharing difficult truths. When sharing your opinion and the truth with others, be sure to be honest. Emphasize that these are your feelings and perspectives, and respect others' viewpoints as well.
• Try adding phrases like, “In my experience...” or “Personally, I think...” before speaking, or conclude with something like, “…but that’s just my opinion/experience, and things may not always be that way.”
• Learn to listen when others speak, even if you disagree with what they say or feel the need to express your own opinion. When it’s your turn to speak, they’ll reciprocate the courtesy, making the conversation more open and comfortable for both of you.

Self-assess objectively. Occasionally, take a moment to look in the mirror and reflect on how you feel about yourself. What do you like about yourself? What do you want to do? If you engage in self-assessment objectively, you might uncover psychological pressures that drive you to lie or act in ways that you wouldn’t if you were more honest with yourself. Write down your strengths and weaknesses in a notebook—not to judge yourself, but to understand what you need to improve and what you can take pride in.

• Recognize your strengths. What are you good at? What can you do better than most people you know? What do you contribute to this world? What makes you proud? How have you improved yourself every day?
• Recognize your weaknesses. What embarrasses you about yourself? What could you do better? What areas do you feel you're falling short in?

Face the things you don’t like about yourself. Much of the lying in our lives stems from our unwillingness to confront the things we feel ashamed, embarrassed, or dissatisfied with about ourselves. Don’t keep avoiding them—make an effort to acknowledge them honestly.

• You might have hoped your first novel would be published by the time you were thirty—a goal you set five years ago, but haven’t made progress on. Perhaps you know you need a plan to reach that goal, but sticking to your current habits is just easier. Maybe you realize that a relationship has grown stale, and you no longer want to continue, but haven’t made any significant changes to address it.
• Never let self-justifying thoughts creep into your mind. The reason why you did something difficult to accept is irrelevant because you can’t change the past. However, you can change your actions starting now to make yourself feel better.

Provide opportunities to improve yourself. Look through your list of strengths and weaknesses and try to pinpoint areas where you can change and how you can achieve that improvement.

• What steps can you take to enhance your strengths? What have you done that makes you genuinely proud? How can you address and improve your weaknesses?
• What challenges are you facing as you work towards self-improvement? Are there external factors, such as not having enough money for a gym membership or losing some funds? Or internal challenges like reluctance to research self-weight loss strategies?

When you make a decision, commit to carrying it out. It’s easy to lie to yourself. We can come up with endless excuses to avoid doing something we don’t want to do. This is why we often deceive ourselves. Don’t let it become that simple. When you decide to end a relationship or start a new job, take action immediately. Don’t wait for the ‘right moment.’ Act on your decision right away.

• Make achieving your goals easier. When faced with a difficult task, create a trade-off: if you complete the challenge, reward yourself. For instance, buy a new guitar after ending a bad relationship, or treat yourself to a vacation after losing weight.
• Use digital tools to help you. You could sign up for Skinny-Text to receive reminders on your phone, or create an agreement that imposes a penalty if you fail to follow through.

Don’t add unnecessary flair to your story. A common trick to engage listeners is to add extra details that make the story more exciting. Your story may sound more captivating when you mention a bear wandering into your campsite instead of just a panda bear. However, this opens the door for more lies. Stick to the truth and share it as accurately as possible.

Be flexible with harmless little white lies. We sometimes find ourselves in situations where people ask tough questions, like ‘Do I look fat in this?’ or ‘Is Santa Claus real?’ These are moments when we feel the need to lie to make the other person feel better or to soften the pain of an uncomfortable truth. However, the choice between honesty and lying isn’t always as clear-cut as picking between A and B.

• Frame it positively. If something isn’t quite right, express it in a positive light. Instead of saying ‘I don’t think these pants look good on you,’ try, ‘These pants don’t complement your beauty as much as that black dress— it suits you perfectly. Have you tried pairing it with those tights you wore to my cousin’s wedding?’
• Keep some thoughts to yourself. You may not want to go to the rustic-themed restaurant your best friend insists on for her only night in town, but you don’t have to be brutally honest in that moment. What matters is enjoying your evening together— you only have one night to spend with each other. Instead of saying ‘I don’t like this place. Let’s go somewhere else,’ say, ‘Although this isn’t my favorite spot, I’m happy to do what you want. Let’s make this night memorable.’
• Redirect the question. If your child asks if Santa Claus is real, tell them you’re not sure and promise to give an answer later. Ask them what they think: ‘What do you think about this? What do your friends at school say?’ You don’t always have to choose between a lie and the complete truth. The world is far more complicated than that.

Remain silent if you need to. If you find yourself in an awkward situation where telling the truth would ruin the mood and joy of everyone, silence is not the same as lying. If you can't speak the truth, stay quiet. Sometimes, it’s recommended to remain silent in uncomfortable situations.

• Choose to step back. In arguments, the more unnecessary opinions you add, the harder it is to resolve the issue. You don’t have to tell harmless lies to end a dispute, nor should you continue throwing ‘truth bombs.’ Instead of fueling the flames, exit the trivial arguments and avoid making things worse.

• Being honest is hard because it means acknowledging your mistakes.
• Keep track of what you say to others (for example, in a journal or on a chart). This can reveal how often you lie or tell the truth and help you improve yourself. The times you lie will provide insights to make better decisions in the future, and visualizing your honest records can help highlight the contrast.
• If someone pressures you to reveal the truth about something you did, respond with something like: ‘I made a mistake by not being careful and ended up making an error; I promise to do better! Give me another chance, I want to show you I’m not that person, trust me, I’m a good friend.’
• For most people, keeping a secret for someone's benefit isn’t considered lying if the person being deceived fully understands when they eventually learn the truth. However, the line between honesty and lying is blurred: keeping a surprise party secret is one thing, but hiding the fact that a child is adopted or that a loved one has passed away is another matter.
• People who are on the same level as you, or friends, may influence you to “stray” from the “straight and narrow” path you’ve chosen. As with any bad habit, you’ll recognize the need to distance yourself from people who are dishonest. You don’t necessarily need to find new and trustworthy friends, but you should acknowledge that you might be tempted if you associate with habitual liars.

• Emotional issues, which are beyond the scope of this article, cause people to lie uncontrollably: if you cannot control your frequent lying, you should consider seeing a counselor or therapist. They can help you work through these emotions in the long term. If you’ve developed a habit of lying, you must reflect on yourself and take steps to become a more honest person.