How to Become Assertive

Understand Assertive Communication. Assertive communication involves respecting the feelings, needs, and opinions of others. Assertive communicators avoid infringing on others' rights while affirming their own, seeking compromise in the process. Assertive communication uses both actions and words to set boundaries between needs and desires calmly while conveying confidence in the message.

Learn Verbal Cues in Assertive Communication. Verbal signals in assertive communication convey respect, sincerity, and certainty:

• Confident, comfortable tone
• Fluent and genuine speech
• Appropriate volume for the context
• Cooperative and constructive attitude

Learn Body Language in Assertive Communication. Just like verbal expressions, non-verbal communication must also project assertiveness and display respect, sincerity, and confidence:

• Active listening
• Maintaining eye contact
• Relaxed posture
• Smiling when satisfied
• Frowning when upset

Learn Assertive Thinking Patterns. Assertive individuals automatically think with confidence and respect for others. Their thoughts may include:

• "I do not manipulate or attack others."
• "I will stand up for myself respectfully."
• "I express myself directly and openly."

Understand Aggressive Communication. Assertiveness is often mistaken for aggression. Aggression lacks respect for others. It completely ignores their needs, emotions, desires, opinions, and sometimes their safety. Aggressive communication is marked by anger-driven behaviors, orders, self-promotion, and manipulation.

• Verbal cues in aggressive communication include: sarcastic or condescending tones, blaming, shouting, threatening, bragging, or humiliating others.
• Non-verbal cues in aggressive communication may involve: invading personal space, clenched fists, crossed arms, scowling, or looking down on others.
• Thoughts in aggressive communication: "I am strong, I will make others obey", "I control others", or "I refuse to be hurt."

Understand Passive Communication. Silence and assumptions are the hallmarks of passive communication. Passive communicators lack self-respect and disregard their own opinions, emotions, needs, and desires. Passive communication involves placing others' needs above your own. It drains energy and allows others to make decisions for you:

• Verbal cues in passive communication: hesitation, silence, self-doubt, self-deprecation.
• Non-verbal cues in passive communication: avoiding eye contact, looking down, slouched posture, crossing arms, covering the mouth.
• Thoughts in passive communication: "I am unworthy" or "People think I am pathetic."

Consider the Influence of Your Behavior. From a young age, our behavior has been shaped to align with the reactions from our environment—family, colleagues, and officials. Communication styles like passive, assertive, and aggressive can be influenced by cultural, generational, and situational factors. Assertiveness is more highly valued in Western societies.

• The older generations may struggle with assertiveness. Men were taught that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, while women were taught that expressing their needs and opinions conveys anger. It can often be difficult to express oneself appropriately in different situations.

Don't Blame Yourself for Your Communication Style. Don't criticize yourself for not understanding what assertive communication is. Other communication styles, like passive and aggressive, are also part of this vicious cycle. You can break the cycle by learning how to think and act assertively.

• If your family taught you to prioritize the needs of others over your own, it can be difficult to be assertive.
• If your family and colleagues resolve conflicts through shouting and arguing, you've likely "caught" their way of handling things.
• If your social group believes that negative emotions should be hidden, or if you were ever ignored or mocked for expressing those emotions, you may have learned to suppress them.

Start Keeping a Journal. To learn assertive communication, you must first learn to manage your emotions effectively. Simply being aware of your feelings can transform the way you communicate with others and allow you to express yourself assertively. Journaling is the best way to track your behaviors by writing down situations and asking specific questions related to assertiveness.

Identify Situations Like You’re Filming a Movie. Record the events that trigger your emotions. Stick to the facts and avoid adding explanations at the first stage. For example, you might just write, "I invited her to go out and she declined."

Identify Your Emotions in That Situation. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Recognize your emotions at that moment, and rate their intensity on a scale from 0 to 100. It’s okay to estimate the level, but ensure you’re being truthful with yourself.

Identify the Reactionary Behavior in That Situation. Pay attention to the physical sensations you experienced during that time. Ask yourself, "What did I do?" and "How did my body feel?"

• For example, if someone ignored your call, you might have felt a tightness in your stomach or tension in your shoulders.

Identify the Thoughts in That Situation. These could be assumptions, interpretations, beliefs, values, etc. Ask yourself, "What was I thinking?" or "What popped into my head?" For example, you might write: "I agreed to go out when she invited me, so she should've agreed to come with me," or "She was rude to reject me," or "Maybe she doesn’t want to be friends anymore."

Evaluate the Strength of Each Thought. Once again, use a scale from 0 to 100, or mark it as "100" if you believe it strongly. Then ask yourself, "Am I thinking passively, assertively, or aggressively?" Write down your answer. Document all the supporting or opposing evidence for each thought. Assess if there could be an alternative interpretation of the situation.

Identify a More Assertive Response in That Situation. To find balance between thought and assertive action, ask yourself, "What would a more assertive thought and response look like?"

Reevaluate Your Emotions. After assessing the situation, revisit your emotional state and the beliefs you held at that time. Rate them on a scale from 0 to 100.

Try to Keep a Regular Journal. By journaling, you can reduce the intensity of your emotions. Track your feelings, thoughts, and reactions across various situations. With continued practice, you’ll be able to think and act in a more assertive manner.

Understand the Benefits of Assertive Communication. Assertiveness is a communication style that allows you to express your needs and emotions confidently while also considering the views, desires, needs, and feelings of others. It replaces passive and aggressive expressions. By learning assertive communication, you’ll experience several benefits:

• Powerful and effective communication
• Increased confidence
• Improved self-esteem
• Respect from others
• Better decision-making skills
• Less stress when needs aren't immediately met
• Conflict resolution abilities
• Boosted self-worth
• A sense of being understood and in control of decisions, replacing feelings of neglect or manipulation
• Lower risk of burnout
• Reduced likelihood of substance abuse

Learn When to Say 'No'. Many people find it hard to say no. However, agreeing when you should refuse can lead to unnecessary stress, resentment, and anger from others. When you do say no, keep the following in mind:

• Keep it brief
• Be clear
• Be honest
• For example, if you can’t spare time to do something, simply say, "I can’t this time. Sorry to disappoint you, but I’m swamped with other tasks, and my schedule is already full."

Stay Calm and Respect Others. When engaging in conversation with someone, remain calm and show them respect. This will help others listen to you and value your opinion.

• Take deep breaths when you feel frustrated. This will help calm your body and allow you to maintain self-control.

Use Simple Language. Communication doesn’t have to be complicated. We often assume that communication is simply about expressing desires and understanding its meaning, but this can lead to frustration and conflict in relationships. When communicating with someone, express your feelings, needs, opinions, and desires using simple language. This will help the other person clearly understand your message.

• For example, instead of saying a long, convoluted sentence to a family member, you might say directly and briefly: "I love when you call just to chat! It’s hard for me to talk long during work hours, but I’d really appreciate it if you could call in the evening."

Use the First Person to Be Assertive. The first-person perspective conveys that you are taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions. There are different ways to use the first person depending on the situation:

• Basic Assertiveness: This is used in everyday situations to express needs or give compliments, information, or facts. Basic assertiveness is also used to express yourself to relieve stress and help you relax. Examples: "I have to leave at 6" or "I liked your presentation."
• Empathetic Assertiveness: This special use of the first person involves recognizing the feelings, needs, and wants of the listener, while also expressing your own needs and desires. It shows sensitivity to the other person. Example: "I know you’re busy, but I need your help."
• Consequential Assertiveness: This is the strongest form of first-person assertiveness, often used as a final statement. If not carefully expressed, it can be mistaken for anger. This form informs the other party of the consequences if their behavior doesn’t change, typically when someone disregards the rights of others. For example, if someone doesn’t follow procedures at work: "If this happens again, I won’t have any choice but to take disciplinary action. I don’t want to do that, but it may be necessary."
• Differential Assertiveness: This form is used to highlight the difference between what was agreed upon and what’s happening now. It clarifies misunderstandings or conflicts. Example: "As I understand it, we agreed that Project ABC would be our top priority. Now, you’re asking me to spend more time on Project XYZ. Can you clarify which project takes precedence?"
• Negative Emotional Assertiveness: This form is used when you have negative emotions toward someone (anger, resentment, hurt). It allows you to express your feelings without losing control and alerts the other person about the consequences of their actions. Example: "You delayed the report, which impacted my weekend work. I’m really frustrated, so from now on, I’d like to receive reports by Thursday afternoon."

Use Appropriate Body Language. Always remember that being assertive isn’t just about words—it’s also about how you present yourself physically. If your body language is passive or aggressive, it can undermine the perception of you being assertive.

• Maintain a calm, moderate tone of voice
• Keep eye contact
• Relax your facial muscles and posture

Practice Assertive Communication. Getting comfortable with assertive behavior requires consistent practice. Try practicing in front of a mirror. You can also practice talking with a therapist or counselor to refine your skills.

Understand the Causes of Stress in Your Life. Managing emotions is challenging and can affect how we communicate. When we’re stressed or frustrated, our body enters a state of tension and triggers hormonal and chemical reactions, preparing us for perceived threats. How we think during such times differs greatly from when we are calm and clear-headed, making it difficult to use assertive skills effectively.

• Identify moments when you feel stressed. List the things that cause you stress.

Practice Meditation. Meditation is a relaxation technique that brings the body into a balanced physiological state. For example, meditation has a lasting calming effect on the brain after a session. It directly impacts the amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for regulating emotions. Try to meditate for 5-10 minutes daily.

• Sit comfortably on a chair or cushion.
• Close your eyes and focus on your current emotions. Pay attention to your bodily sensations, the sounds around you, or any smells you perceive.
• Shift your focus to your breath. Inhale, hold, and exhale, taking 4 beats per breath cycle.
• When your mind wanders, gently dismiss the thought without judgment and refocus on your breathing.
• You may recite a mantra or say something uplifting to yourself, such as “I am peaceful” or “I am happy.”
• You can also follow guided meditation to help you visualize relaxation elements.

Practice Deep Breathing. Deep breathing can help reduce stress and clear your mind during tense situations. Take a deep breath slowly, inhaling, then exhaling.

• Sit comfortably with your feet flat on the floor, hands resting on your lap, and close your eyes gently.
• Breathe through your nose, noticing the breath as you inhale and exhale.
• Gradually extend each inhale by breathing deeply into your abdomen. Pause for a moment, then exhale gently, maintaining a steady rhythm.
• Start counting your breath: inhale for 3 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. Do this slowly and steadily, controlling the pace without speeding up.
• Continue breathing at this pace for 10-15 minutes.
• After finishing, slowly open your eyes, relax for a moment, and then stand up.

Relax Your Muscles. If you’re worried about meditation or don’t have enough time for it, muscle relaxation can be an effective alternative. This technique triggers the body’s calm response and restores balance by tensing and relaxing each muscle group in the body. Aim to practice muscle relaxation for 15-20 minutes daily.

• Sit comfortably with your feet flat on the floor, hands resting on your thighs, and close your eyes.
• Start by clenching your fists for 10 seconds, then release and relax for 10 seconds, feeling the relaxation.
• Stretch your forearm by bending your wrist and holding for 10 seconds, then relax for 10 seconds. Repeat this process.
• Continue working through other parts of your body, tensing and relaxing each muscle group, starting from your upper arms, shoulders, neck, head, and face. Then move to your chest, abdomen, lower back, hips, thighs, calves, and feet.
• Once you’ve worked through your entire body, sit quietly for a few minutes to enjoy the relaxation.
• When standing up, do so slowly to avoid dizziness (as blood pressure can drop when relaxing) or sudden muscle strain.
• If you cannot dedicate 15-20 minutes, focus on the muscles that are most prone to tension.

Use the IDEAL Method to Make Decisions. Decision-making is crucial for being assertive. You can take control of your own life and make the right choices, rather than letting others decide for you or being influenced by their judgments. By identifying the issue, you can pinpoint the key factors that will help you make the best decision. The Niagara Public Health Association recommends using the IDEAL method:

• I – Identify the problem.
• D – Describe the solution. Solutions can involve handling it yourself, asking others for help, or choosing to do nothing.
• E – Evaluate the potential results of each solution. Consider your feelings and needs to choose the best option for you.
• A – Act. Choose a solution and implement it. Use the first person to express your feelings and needs.
• L – Learn. Was the solution effective? Reflect on why it worked or didn’t. If it didn’t work, find and try another solution from your list.

Consider Stakeholders. Many people may be impacted by your decision, but not everyone is involved in the decision-making process. Seek input from relevant parties.

• You can consider other stakeholders when making a decision, but the final choice is yours to make.

Understand the Purpose Behind the Decision. Decisions are driven by a need to take some action. Take time to understand the purpose behind your decision. This ensures that you are making the right choice for yourself.

Make Timely Decisions. Procrastination is a major obstacle to assertive decision-making. Don’t wait until the last moment to decide, as this could eliminate some potential solutions.

Protect your physical and mental space. Boundaries are the physical, emotional, and intellectual lines you set to prevent harm. Healthy boundaries safeguard your personal space, your sense of self, and help you separate your emotions from others. Unhealthy boundaries make it easier for you to be influenced by others' feelings, beliefs, and actions.

Set clear boundaries. When communicating about your personal needs, it’s crucial to know where your boundaries lie. Keeping them in mind before you engage in a conversation helps you stay grounded and protects your needs from being overshadowed, reducing the risk of conflict.

• For instance, set a boundary with your boss: no working weekends or overtime without at least 3 days' notice. When talking to a friend, set a boundary by not agreeing to pick her up from the airport until she picks you up when you need it.

Learn to say no. If you don’t want to do something, don’t. You can refuse someone. Always remember, the most important person is you. If you don’t respect your own wishes, how can you expect anyone else to?

• You may think that pleasing others will lead them to treat you well, but unfortunately, generosity often backfires.
• People only value things that cost them time, effort, or money, so if you keep doing everything for free, your sense of self will disappear while theirs grows. Stand your ground. At first, people may object or even be shocked by your change, but ultimately, they will respect it.

Express your opinion respectfully. Don’t stay silent if you have something to say. Sharing your emotions freely is your right. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with having an opinion. Just make sure you choose the right moment to voice it. Clearly state that what you have to say is important and deserves attention.

• Practice in situations where you’re in the minority. Your friends are all talking about a new TV show that everyone loves? Don’t be afraid to admit you’re not interested in it. Did someone misunderstand your words? Don’t nod and go along with it; explain what you meant, even if the misunderstanding doesn’t cause any harm.

Identify your own needs. Recognize what brings you joy and what you require in life. Understanding this helps you manage expectations from others and also shapes how you wish to be treated. Reflect on situations where you were treated without mutual respect or where your feelings were disregarded. Consider what makes you feel truly respected.

Be honest about your desires. Even confident actions won’t help if you aren’t truthful with yourself or trying to forcefully follow the ‘flow theory’. People will take your needs seriously if you clearly communicate them.

• Shifting the burden of decisions onto others is a form of avoidance and makes you passively aggressive. The next time your friends ask where to eat, don’t say “Anywhere”; give them a specific answer.

Suggest solutions that work for both sides. A good approach is to adopt a “we” mindset and propose solutions that benefit everyone involved, when possible. This ensures that everyone’s feelings are acknowledged and heard.

• For example, if you drive your roommate to work every day but she doesn’t pay for gas, discuss this issue with her. You could say, “I don’t mind you using the car regularly. But owning a car is costly, and I’m saving both time and money for you, since otherwise, you’d have to take the bus daily. Would you mind splitting the gas costs? I’d really appreciate it.” This way, you may learn that she wasn’t aware of how you felt. Now that she understands, you won’t need to sound accusatory.

Assess your level of confidence. Confidence reflects how well you understand and perceive yourself, including self-awareness and the position you believe you hold in society. If you view yourself negatively, it will be challenging to be decisive in your thoughts, beliefs, needs, and emotions. Furthermore, you may feel awkward or hesitant to ask questions for clarification, focusing too much on the negatives and lacking self-trust. Self-doubt can hinder assertive communication. Evaluate your confidence using the following questions:

• Do you make eye contact when talking to others?
• Is your voice tone appropriate?
• Do you speak confidently (without “um” or “uh”)?
• Is your posture relaxed?
• Can you ask questions when you need clarification?
• Do you feel comfortable around others?
• Can you say no when necessary?
• Can you express anger or discomfort when needed?
• Do you voice your opinions in discussions with others?
• Do you protect yourself from mistakes that are not your fault?
• If you answer “yes” to three questions or fewer, you are confident. If you answer “no” to four to six questions, you may be viewing yourself negatively. If you answer “no” to more than seven, you’re likely struggling with confidence. You often doubt your value and place yourself lower in society.

Use body language confidently. How you carry yourself speaks volumes even before you open your mouth. Stand tall with your shoulders back and chin up. Avoid fidgeting (keep your hands in your pockets if needed) or covering your mouth while speaking. Maintain eye contact to project confidence.

• Avoid letting others read your body language, especially when you feel anxious or uncertain. Conceal your emotions by controlling your hands, feet, and facial expressions so others don’t notice.
• If making eye contact is a challenge, practice wearing sunglasses and gradually do it without them. If you tend to look away or stare into space while thinking, avoid looking down.
• Even when nervous or confused, you can still appear confident. Don’t be afraid to ask questions.

Speak clearly and purposefully. Speaking too quickly may cause people to lose focus. Slow down to capture attention. Speak clearly and calmly. You don’t need to raise your voice, but it should be loud enough to be heard.

• If people aren’t paying attention, you can assertively say, “Excuse me,” without apologizing for simply existing, as doing so might make others think you’re embarrassed.
• Keep your statements concise. Even the most confident speakers can lose an audience by rambling.
• Avoid excessive fillers like um or like when making a strong statement. Make a conscious effort to eliminate these words from your speech.

"Polish" your appearance. While it may seem superficial, people often judge you based on your outward appearance. Those who exude confidence and personality can change others' perceptions, though not all of us are lucky enough to have that effect. If you look like you just rolled out of bed, or if you’re overdone with makeup and high heels, people may not take you seriously. On the other hand, if you present yourself as ready to take on anything, others will respect you more.

• Dressing neatly doesn’t mean dressing up. If you’re a simple person, focus on clean, tidy clothes without slogans or odd images.
• Making the effort to appear polished helps you come across as serious about your intentions.

Practice what you plan to say. It may seem silly, but if you want to communicate confidently, you need to be sure when the moment arrives. What better way to do this than practicing? You can rehearse in front of a mirror, record yourself, or practice with a friend, imagining they are your boss or the person you’re about to speak with.

• When the time comes, recall the confidence you built while practicing and demonstrate even more confidence when speaking.

Visit a counselor or specialist. If you feel you need help becoming more assertive, consider seeking professional guidance. Counselors or specialists are trained to assist individuals in communicating in a healthy and meaningful way.

Take an assertiveness training course. Many universities offer assertiveness training workshops for students. This provides an opportunity to practice assertiveness while addressing various situations where you might need support to be more assertive or manage stress in challenging situations.

Practice with a close friend. Becoming assertive takes time and effort. Ask a friend to help you practice communication skills in various situations. The more scenarios you face that require assertiveness, the more confident you’ll become.