How to Become Assertive Without Appearing Rude

Assertiveness is both a communication skill and a behavior. Assertive individuals express their thoughts and emotions directly and appropriately, while also respecting the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of others. Understanding how to be assertive without coming off as rude or aggressive is a valuable life skill.

Identify your needs and emotions. Reflect on times when you felt disrespected or suppressed. Consider situations where you felt overlooked. Then, think about how you would prefer to be treated in those circumstances.

• Once you have a clear understanding of your own needs and emotions, you can develop expectations for how you wish to be treated moving forward.

Set clear boundaries in your mind. You should be aware of what you're willing to do or which actions indicate you're going too far. When you know your limits, you won't have to search for them in stressful situations.

• For example, if your brother or sister frequently asks to borrow money, and you're unsure how to handle this, you can think about the exact amount you're willing to lend them. If you don't want to give them more money, it's important to know this before having the conversation and be ready to assert your boundaries.

Explain your emotions and needs. Becoming assertive means you can express your emotions and needs without coming off as rude or aggressive. This skill will help you both protect yourself and treat others with respect. You should communicate your thoughts, opinions, and emotions with a respectful attitude. If you're unsure about expressing your feelings, you can first write them down or practice presenting what you want to say.

• For example, if you want a raise but haven't found the right way to discuss it, the best approach might be to create an opportunity for your boss to listen and accept your request for a raise.

Be straightforward. It can be difficult to express what you want, especially if kindness is one of your strong traits. You might feel that being honest about your true thoughts seems rude. However, in reality, this isn't rude at all. Beating around the bush only makes you appear passive or indecisive. Plan to use self-awareness and your inner strength to achieve what you want without engaging in unnecessary arguments.

• Don't avoid being direct just to make things more comfortable. For instance, if you want your aunt to stop visiting your house without notice, you could say something like, 'Aunt Hoa, you should call me before coming over so I have time to prepare.' You shouldn't say, 'Aunt Hoa, could you call me first when you want to come over? But only if it's convenient for you, I don't mind if you drop by unannounced.'

Don't apologize when expressing your opinions or needs. When you're assertive, you own your emotions and needs, and you have every right to act on them. There's no need to apologize when requesting what you want.

Practice non-verbal assertive communication. Communication happens both through words and body language. How you present yourself influences how others perceive it. To communicate assertively through non-verbal cues, you can practice the following skills:

• Maintain eye contact.
• Stand or sit with good posture.
• Speak with an appropriate tone and volume.
• Keep your body relaxed and calm.

Show appreciation towards others. When communicating assertively, you should also recognize the contributions of others. You can still make requests for what you want, but it's important to acknowledge when others make concessions or express their feelings. Otherwise, they may feel that you're being inattentive or rude towards them.

Manage your stress. When you're stressed, it often feels like you lose control of the situation. This can affect how you react in specific circumstances, causing you to respond in an aggressive or passive manner. Managing stress is essential for assertive communication.

Choose the right time to start a conversation. If you're feeling tired or hungry, it's better to wait until those needs are addressed before starting a conversation. You might lose your composure quickly and come across as rude if you're not feeling comfortable.

Practice and patience. Becoming assertive takes time and practice. Start by practicing assertiveness in small situations, like telling your friends you don't want to watch a particular movie. Build your confidence with each experience, and you'll soon find that you can be assertive in other situations as well.

Apply the repetition technique. In this approach, calmly reassert your emotions or needs whenever someone tries to start an argument or distract you. (For example, "Please stop making sexist jokes. I don't find them funny.") This method allows you to stick to your principles without disrespecting others.

• For instance, if you wish to return a damaged item to the store for a refund and the salesperson tries to offer an alternative (like fixing the item or claiming it isn't broken), you should repeat that you want a refund.
• This technique will help you express assertiveness without being rude, as it allows you to state your position clearly without offending anyone. Body language and tone of voice are key elements in this technique. You don’t want to yell or treat others poorly. A simple statement from you can be strong enough.

Try the "fogging" technique. You can use the phrase "You may be right" when someone tries to drag you into an argument. This shows that you recognize the other person’s point of view while maintaining your own confidence. Agreeing doesn’t mean giving in or changing your mind.

• For example, if someone says, "Your hairstyle looks ridiculous," you can reply, "You may be right." They may continue with, "Aren’t you listening? You look like a loser." You should respond with, "Maybe you’re right, but it will grow back."
• This technique fosters assertiveness, not rudeness. By agreeing with your opponent, you’ve “cooled down” their argument and prevented the conversation from becoming tense. It’s hard for someone to argue with you if you seem to agree with them. Moreover, saying "maybe you're right" doesn’t imply that the bully is entirely right—it just means they could be. Everyone has the right to express their opinions.

Use "I" statements. This is a widely taught technique in assertiveness training. An "I" statement is when you begin a sentence with "I...". This approach is effective because it focuses on your own needs without pressuring the other person. It gives them the space to think, feel, and act based on what they believe is best for them.

• Using "I" statements helps you express assertiveness without being rude, as it takes responsibility for your feelings rather than blaming the other person. It’s a good way to open a conversation, which can lead to problem-solving.
• Examples of "I" statements include: "I feel very upset when you are sarcastic," "I feel disrespected when you prioritize your needs over mine," or "I feel hurt when you speak to me like that."

Be polite but firm. Remember to maintain politeness while still expressing yourself. Once you’ve stated your point, you should listen to the other person. You don’t need to raise your voice for them to hear you. Remaining calm and composed will make you stronger (and more polite).

• This means avoiding smiling or chuckling after you’ve made your point. You can remain polite without diminishing yourself. You should only use this technique to lift your mood if it fits with what you’re saying.

Understand the nature of rudeness. Rudeness is the lack of respect for others, their emotions, beliefs, and viewpoints. When someone is rude, they often exhibit sarcasm, anger, insults, or bullying behavior.

• Rudeness can include yelling, using offensive language, threatening, and aggressive gestures such as pointing or even pushing.
• For example: Hai and Hung waited in line all night to buy tickets for a concert. They were excited as the line finally started moving. They had saved for weeks to afford the tickets. Suddenly, a group of older men began pushing their way to the front. "Hey, we've been waiting all night. You can’t just cut in line like that," Hai said. "Listen here, kid, we're not moving anywhere, so you’d better shut up," one of the bullies yelled as he pressed his face into Hai’s and poked him in the chest to emphasize his words.
• This is a clear example of rudeness, where the bully shows no respect for Hai and Hung's rights or opinions. He insults, yells, uses offensive language, and threatens through body language.

Understand the meaning of becoming assertive. Being assertive means "expressing yourself effectively while respecting the rights and beliefs of others." Assertiveness encompasses all aspects of communication, including words, actions, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. When someone communicates assertively, they harmonize all these elements. Simply put, assertiveness is about being confident without being aggressive.

Realize that assertive individuals always control their anger. Sometimes, you will feel angry, and at times, your anger will be completely justified. An assertive person will speak out, maintain respect, and express their opinion firmly when necessary, while an aggressive person will resort to attacks (either through actions or words).

• An assertive person criticizes thoughts/behaviors, not the person. For example, "Your racist comments about Mai are unacceptable" is very different from saying, "You are a racist."

Recognize the importance of respecting others. Assertiveness is rooted in mutual respect. If both sides do not respect each other, assertive communication will not happen. Instead, the conversation will be filled with aggression or negativity. When you respect the feelings of others, you can achieve what you want without insulting them.

Recognize aggressive reactions. We learn our communication styles from our early years, which makes it difficult to understand the nature of assertiveness. If a child observes aggressive interactions, they may mimic this style. Someone may respond aggressively when you assert your needs. The other person might become defensive and feel threatened. Aggressive reactions may look like this:

• One person says, "The guests will arrive at any moment. Can you give me a clean shirt now?" The other person responds, "I need to get the food ready. Why don’t you stop being lazy and go get your own shirt?" Both are communicating aggressively. Each person is trying to get what they need without considering the other’s needs.

Recognize passive reactions. When someone gets what they want from a situation, it can leave you feeling frustrated, angry, or exploited. If you react passively, you won’t be able to stand up for your own needs. A passive response may look like this:

• One person says, "The guests will arrive at any moment. Can you give me a clean shirt now?" The other person responds, "Alright. I think the food will be late. Don’t blame me if people complain." The first person is still acting aggressively, while the second person is responding passively. One gets their needs met, while the other fails to defend their own needs.

Identify if you're using one-sided assertiveness. Even if the other person is being aggressive or passive, you should respond assertively. Assert your rights and feelings by clearly telling the other person what you don’t like. Share your needs with them.

• One person might say, "The guests will arrive at any moment. Can you give me a clean shirt now?" The other might respond assertively, saying, "The shirt is hanging in the closet. I need to finish getting the food ready." Though the first person is still aggressive and sarcastic, the second person responds assertively. They may continue to assert their rights and feelings by telling the first person that they don’t appreciate the sarcasm and would appreciate it if the first person could understand that they are both busy preparing for the party.

Recognize assertive reactions. With an assertive reaction, both you and the other person will feel respected and heard. Even if you've learned to react aggressively or passively, you can still learn how to communicate assertively and respectfully.

• One person says, "The guests will arrive at any moment. Can you give me a clean shirt now?" The other person responds, "Yes, there are plenty of clean shirts in the closet. But I need 5 more minutes to finish the food." Both people have expressed their needs while respecting each other.