Buzz
Opening yourself to others, embracing vulnerability, and nurturing self-validation instead of relying on external approval are crucial elements in attracting love. Although this won't happen immediately, the more you learn to accept and love yourself, as well as others, the greater the likelihood that others will love you in return!
Guidelines
Embracing Self-Love
Recognize that you control how others perceive you. If you view yourself as unworthy of love, that belief will influence how others perceive you as well. It's essential to see yourself as lovable first, because you are indeed lovable.
- Expecting others to love you when you can't love yourself is placing unrealistic pressure on them. It also relinquishes control from you and gives it to others, who may not be capable of providing that love.
- Since your perception of yourself shapes your reality, acting confidently in your own worthiness will lead others to notice and respond positively, even if unconsciously.
Be gentle with your emotions. The more you tell yourself you're wrong for feeling a certain way, the more you try to suppress or change your feelings, the more you'll make yourself feel abandoned and rejected. That's not a compassionate way to treat yourself.
- Take note of your emotions. If you're feeling down, ask yourself why. What triggered it? Is it related to something deeper than just one particular event?
- Emotions are your internal alarm system, signaling that something might be amiss. For instance, feeling upset about something is akin to physical pain, alerting you that something is wrong (whether it's an unhealthy situation, toxic people, or unhealthy self-treatment).
Learn to recognize the negative self-talk. We all have an inner critic that points out everything we're doing wrong. While you can never completely eliminate this inner voice, you can become more aware of these negative thoughts, which will lessen their power over you.
- Examine why you think you're unlovable. Is it due to a recent breakup? Or perhaps because you tell yourself you're unattractive, or your personality is too eccentric?
- Notice these negative patterns. When you catch yourself thinking negatively, acknowledge it and replace it with a positive or neutral thought.
Validate yourself rather than seeking external approval. Relying on others to validate you and make you feel good about yourself puts you in a helpless position. Instead, focus on practicing self-validation.
- Create a gratitude journal dedicated to acknowledging the things you appreciate about yourself. Write down at least three things every day that you’re thankful for about yourself.
- Before turning to others for validation through a difficult conversation, give yourself the validation you need first. This doesn't mean cutting off connections with others; it simply means being there for yourself first.
- Ask yourself what kind of validation you need right now. What would help you feel better, more balanced, and healthier? Then, give yourself that validation.
Don't take yourself too seriously. Life can feel overwhelming if you view every little thing as the weight of the world. If you tend to talk too much with someone you're romantically interested in, don't beat yourself up about it. Instead, find humor in the situation.
- Things like being clumsy or experiencing an embarrassing moment can be a great opportunity to laugh at yourself (kindly).
Allow yourself to be imperfect. Perfection is an illusion, and it’s okay not to be perfect! No one else is either. If you're thinking that perfection is necessary to be lovable, let go of that belief now.
- You deserve love no matter how imperfect you are, whether your hair frizzes at the slightest hint of moisture, you have a quirky laugh, or you're still wearing braces. None of these things diminish your worthiness of love.
- Additionally, setting unattainable perfection standards for yourself often spills over into your relationships. It's difficult to love someone who constantly makes you feel inadequate (including when you do it to yourself).
Live life to the fullest. People are naturally drawn to those who radiate happiness and are making the most of their life. Instead of striving for some unattainable 'perfect' life, start embracing the things that already bring you joy.
- Being lovable comes from being open. When you allow yourself to experience life's ups and downs, you'll find more happiness than if you lock yourself away or obsess over perfecting everything.
- Try to find enjoyment in your work. If your job isn’t your passion, find small ways to inject fun into your day. Pack a delicious lunch to look forward to, or take a break in the sunshine to refresh yourself.
- Spend quality time with your friends. You don’t need an elaborate plan; sometimes, simply sharing a cup of tea together can recharge your spirit and make you feel more connected to both yourself and your life.
Learn to enjoy your own company. No one is entitled to a relationship, and that’s perfectly fine because happiness doesn’t rely on being in one. Being lovable starts with learning to love yourself and not depending on others for validation.
- Take yourself on dates. Pack a picnic with a great book, or treat yourself to a lovely dinner out.
Developing Lovable Habits
Don't close yourself off from love. It’s easy to retreat from giving and receiving love, especially after past heartbreaks. But keeping your heart open invites others to connect with you.
- The more you love and care for others, the more love you will attract. This doesn't mean you have to love everyone you meet, but don’t shut yourself off after experiencing hurt from a relationship or friendship.
Be selective with your love. While it’s important to remain open to love, you should be mindful of who you choose to love. Lovability is not just about being someone who can be loved, but about finding those who can love you in return.
- Look for people who are capable of intimacy, those who can share their true selves with you. People who are able to show vulnerability (this doesn’t necessarily mean sexual) are those who can care for you deeply.
- Surround yourself with people who make you feel like the best version of yourself. If someone consistently belittles you, ignores you, or encourages unhealthy behavior, it might be time to reconsider that relationship. However, if someone listens, supports, and brings out your best qualities, that person is worth keeping.
- Reader Poll: We asked 482 Mytour readers what makes them feel like their partner’s love is conditional, and 54% of them agreed that the most common sign is feeling like you’re never good enough for your partner. [Take Poll] Pay attention to how your loved ones make you feel, and don’t hesitate to distance yourself from anyone who makes you feel unworthy.
Establish clear boundaries. It might seem odd to set limits when discussing love, but it’s an essential aspect of any healthy relationship. You must communicate what you need and be honest about your expectations and desires.
- Value your needs equally to others'. Your needs aren't more significant than anyone else’s, but neither should you feel like yours are any less important.
- If someone isn’t able to provide you with the emotional support or love you require, you are fully entitled to not let them become a close friend or romantic partner. Not everyone will be able to offer you the love you need, and it's perfectly okay to want that in your relationships.
Learn to express your need for love constructively. Everyone has a need for love, regardless of whether they admit it or not. Even if some may deny this, it’s simply a façade. Therefore, it’s important to express your desire for love in a way that’s neither needy, nor whiny, nor demanding.
- Focus on making the life of the person you love just a bit easier. Whether it’s helping them or surprising them with a small gift, do it without expecting anything in return.
- Don’t hesitate to tell people you love them freely, without expecting something back (if they aren’t reciprocating, then perhaps they aren't worth your energy).
Make kindness your default behavior. Kindness should not be reserved only for people you hope will love you. It should be your default approach to all people, including those who may challenge you. Kindness doesn’t mean tolerating inappropriate behavior, but it does mean recognizing everyone as a human being deserving of compassion and understanding.
- Practice “Loving Kindness” meditation. Close your eyes, and reflect on your desires for life. Choose a few affirmations (May I be healthy and strong. May I be lovable. May I be happy.) and repeat them, focusing on different individuals: start with yourself, then move to someone who has helped you, someone neutral, someone you dislike, and finally, send love to everyone.
Take action in loving ways. Being lovable means being kind, and kindness often involves helping others. You can show kindness by doing simple acts, like holding a door for someone, carrying their groceries, or driving a family member to an appointment.
- Kindness also includes standing up against injustice. If you witness bullying, belittling, or mistreatment, speak up. Confront the bully and explain why their behavior is unacceptable.
Foster gratitude. Being thankful for the world around you can open up more positive experiences than closing yourself off. This is especially true during times when you're feeling down about yourself or the world. People are generally more attracted to individuals who are positive and practice gratitude.
- Pay attention to the small moments in life. Appreciate simple things like finding a parking spot or enjoying a quiet morning with a cup of tea. These little things can shift your perspective and help you feel more content and thankful.
- Challenge yourself to find three things you’re grateful for each day. Whether it’s a sunny day or sharing a delicious meal with a close friend, take time to appreciate what you have!
Developing Lovable Traits
Make eye contact with others. Eye contact is a simple yet powerful way to show you recognize and acknowledge someone as a person. Don't reserve it only for the most attractive person in the room. Make eye contact with the cashier at the store, the person behind you in line at the bus stop, and everyone in between.
- People appreciate being noticed, and this acknowledgment boosts their self-esteem. The more others feel valued and seen by you, the more love and recognition you'll receive in return.
Smile. There's nothing like a smile from a stranger or a friend on a tough day to lift your spirits. Much like eye contact, smiling is an expression of kindness and acknowledgment.
- It also makes you appear more approachable. Smiling is often linked with being lovable and open to connection.
Engage socially. You don’t need to be the life of every party, but having good social skills can make all the difference when meeting new people. Along with eye contact and smiling, this helps create connections.
- At social gatherings, don’t hesitate to introduce yourself to someone new and ask about their interests. People enjoy talking about themselves, and showing interest in them will leave a positive impression.
- Remember, even if you feel a bit awkward, most people experience similar feelings, and they likely won’t notice your discomfort.
Be an attentive listener. Listening well is a rare skill, and many people feel unheard by those closest to them. Listening attentively is something most people crave.
- When someone is speaking to you, maintain eye contact and ask questions to show you're engaged. If you lose focus or become distracted, simply ask for clarification to ensure you’re understanding them correctly.
Be the friend or partner you wish to have. The Golden Rule holds true here, regardless of your religious beliefs. Treat others the way you would like to be treated—it’s a timeless principle.
- Be the kind of friend who offers help when needed. Whether it’s assisting with a move, driving them to appointments, or lending a hand in any way, be there for them.
- Take your friend or partner out for something enjoyable. Cook them a meal, take them to a movie, or do something special to show you care.
Allow yourself to be vulnerable. You don’t need to share every single emotion with everyone, but don’t bottle everything up either—this only makes things harder. Instead, be open to letting the people you trust into your heart and emotions.
- This is especially important if you’ve been hurt before. The instinct may be to shut down after emotional or physical pain, but closing yourself off will not make you lovable. It prevents others from truly knowing and loving you.
- Your desire for love might make you try to please others to gain affection. But being nice just to be liked is different from being emotionally open. Don’t pour everything out at once—release it slowly when you feel comfortable. Don’t let others take advantage of your kindness. Strengthen your boundaries, as being kind is not a weakness, but a sign of a caring heart. Be witty and humorous when dealing with ignorance, and protect yourself from being manipulated or controlled unnecessarily.
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Remember, these steps take time and effort to implement. Don’t get discouraged if you don’t become instantly lovable.
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Practice being a good listener.
The advice in this section comes from the real-life experiences of Mytour readers, like yourself. If you have a helpful tip to share with the Mytour community, feel free to submit it below.
- Don’t strive for perfection in everything, as this can intimidate some people. Embrace your imperfections to be more relatable.
Cautions
- It’s perfectly fine to decline an invitation or request you’re not comfortable with. Politely let the person know and, if possible, suggest another time or idea that might work better for you.
