How to Become Less Selfish

Have you ever been told that you're selfish? If you often think of yourself as the center of the universe, always striving to make things go your way, and dislike sharing or helping others, you might be dealing with a bit of selfishness. Although becoming less selfish won’t happen overnight, there are several things you can do to become a person who gives as much as they take.

Join a group. Almost any group can work. You could join a sports league, become part of a neighborhood welcoming committee, or sign up for an after-school French club. No matter what activity you choose, becoming a member of a group will help you realize that working with others is meaningful and that balancing everyone’s needs is essential for the group’s success. Selfishness is incompatible with being a group member, so joining a group is a great opportunity to practice generosity and fairness. Teamwork is an invaluable skill in many professional fields.

• Being part of a group will make it harder to place your own needs above others because, from an outside perspective, selfishness is criticized and can negatively impact the entire group.

Practice Empathy. Empathy involves understanding or sharing another person's feelings, or "putting yourself in someone else's shoes." It's a skill that can be developed and enhanced, making you less self-centered. Continue learning from other people's perspectives and defer your own needs and desires. In doing so, you’ll likely become more generous and understanding. Here are some ways to practice empathy:

• Ask how others are doing. Instead of making assumptions or ignoring someone who behaves in a way you disagree with, reach out to ask them what’s happening in their life. Show curiosity and interest in them, and see if you can understand their viewpoint regarding the situation.
• Imagine why someone behaves the way they do. If you're standing behind an elderly woman who’s taking her time to pay at the checkout, try to let go of criticism and frustration. Perhaps she spends most of her day alone and enjoys chatting with the cashier. If that’s the reason she’s holding up the line, understanding this will help you feel empathy for her.

Balance Your Needs with Others’ Needs. If you tend to put yourself first at all costs, striving for what you want when you want it, it’s time to start shifting away from your own agenda and consider finding a balance in your relationships. Begin thinking about what your children, friends, or significant other desire, even if it conflicts with your own needs. Whenever you find yourself in a conflicting situation, consider what would make the other person happy instead of focusing on what would satisfy you. Try to come up with a compromise or set aside your own desires.

• Remember that everyone’s needs, hopes, and wishes hold equal value.
• If your partner really wants to watch their favorite team play basketball in a rematch (after a tie game), but you want to go see a movie, then this time, follow their lead.

Express Gratitude for Acts of Kindness Toward You. If you notice you’re taking advantage of or expecting too much from others—like a friend who always drives you around, or someone who uses their personal connections to help you get a job—it’s time to say "Thank you." Whenever someone helps or is kind to you, show your appreciation with a simple thank you, a note, or even a small gift. Let them know you truly value their help.

• Try doing a kind deed for a friend or even a stranger, without expecting anything in return. An act of kindness becomes completely selfless when no reward or praise is anticipated.

Learn to Compromise. Think about how to find a solution that everyone involved can happily accept, where each person gets something they want. Compromise is a skill that helps you succeed in friendships, romantic relationships, and even in business.

• When trying to resolve an issue, think about who has stronger desires. If you and your girlfriend are picking a movie, and she’s been eagerly wanting to see a particular one, while you’re indifferent to another option, then you should follow her choice.
• If you realize that you don’t feel too strongly about your position, go ahead and reach a compromise to please the other person. The next time you want something, it’ll be your turn. Things go sour when you insist on your way and argue.
• Before compromising, make sure everyone has time to express their perspective. This can help you gain a more balanced viewpoint before making a decision.

Share. Let your friend borrow your favorite dress. Share lunch with a friend who forgot to bring theirs. Let your boyfriend use your stereo for the afternoon.

• Practice sharing something that you once considered exclusively yours. This will demonstrate to others that they are important to you and make it easier for you to give. It will shift your mindset from being selfish to becoming more generous, no longer holding onto possessions so tightly.

Engaging in volunteer work is an enriching way to broaden your perspective. Whether it's through school programs, workplace initiatives, or independent efforts, dedicating time to help others can provide a unique insight into the lives of those in need. You could assist at a local library, help clean up a neighborhood park, volunteer at a food pantry, or even teach reading skills to both children and adults. Volunteering encourages you to appreciate what you have while also allowing you to make a tangible difference in others' lives.

• Set a goal to volunteer at least once a week and notice how it helps you become less selfish.

One key to shedding selfishness is by becoming a better listener. Truly listening means giving your full attention to others—not just nodding along while waiting for your turn to speak. It involves understanding the issues others are facing, remembering what they’ve shared, and empathizing with their problems, whether it's with friends, family, or colleagues. Asking open-ended questions can also help others open up more.

• Refrain from interrupting the speaker.
• After someone shares, respond meaningfully by mentioning specific points from the conversation to show you were truly listening.
• If a friend is dealing with an issue, avoid comparing it to your own problems. Acknowledge their situation from their perspective and offer support without making it about yourself. For example, you might say, "I've faced something similar, and this helped me. Do you think it could work for you?"

Let Your Friend Decide What to Do Together. A simple but powerful gesture like this can deepen your friendship. Being a good friend often involves supporting your friend’s choices. Next time you meet up with a friend, let them pick the movie, the restaurant, the bar, or the activity you’ll do together.

• Once you develop the habit of doing this, you may realize that making your friend happy is a joy in itself.
• You can also take turns. This week your friend decides, and next week it’s your turn to make the call.

Cook a Meal for Your Friends at Home. Go to the store, pick up ingredients you know your friend will love, and then take at least an hour to cook a delicious meal and set it out on the table. Preparing a meal for a friend requires time, money, and effort, but it’s a wonderfully kind act that brings both joy and comfort. It’s especially thoughtful if your friend is feeling drained or in need of some TLC.

• Let your friend know they don’t need to bring anything except drinks. You’ll take care of everything that evening.
• If you find that you really enjoy cooking for others, you might even start baking cookies or making stews to bring to your friend's house in the evenings.

Giving meaningful advice can leave a lasting impact. Always finish by offering advice that is sincere, helpful, and valuable to your friends. This can make you feel more generous and less selfish. Not all gifts are material; sometimes, the best gift you can give is helping someone pinpoint the heart of their issue. Avoid just telling your friends what they want to hear. Instead, take time to offer advice that is practical and impactful enough to help them transform their lives.

• Offering thoughtful advice can also increase your awareness of what your friends truly need, rather than what you yourself need.

Stop always talking about yourself. Though this is easier said than done, selfishness and self-centeredness often go hand in hand. Therefore, limit the time you spend discussing your own experiences to one-third of the time spent with friends. Use the rest of the time to engage in conversations about them, their acquaintances, or even random topics.

• If your friend shares a problem you've also faced, it's okay to briefly mention your own experience, but ensure the purpose is to show empathy. Quickly redirect the focus back to them, allowing them to continue sharing.

Make a habit of checking in with your friends. If you don’t do this regularly, you should start now. The next time you meet, ask how they’re doing, how they’re feeling, what kind of day they had, or what they’re looking forward to in the week ahead. Avoid coming off too obvious or overwhelming with a flood of questions; instead, gently find ways to show interest in their lives.

• Being genuinely interested in others is a great way to reduce selfishness.
• Make sure your questions feel sincere. Ask because you truly care, not just out of obligation.

Help your friends for the simple joy of it. Don't offer help with a hidden agenda, hoping to get something in return. Help sincerely, whether it’s buying a coffee for a friend attending a course, or spending three hours explaining chemistry problems. If you notice a friend who needs help but is hesitant to ask, offer assistance even before they voice their need.

• Sometimes, you can offer help even when your friend doesn’t need anything, just because you feel comfortable or something reminds you of them.

Create a gratitude list once a week. Dedicate 15 minutes once a month to write down everything you're thankful for in a notebook. Don't stop until you have at least ten items. Keep this list and add more to it every month. Use it as a reminder that your life is abundant and reflect on how grateful you are for the people in your life. Then, go out and tell them!

Give a small gift. While it's definitely kind to give presents to friends, family, or a partner on their birthdays, the gesture becomes even more thoughtful and genuine when you give a gift to someone simply because you are thankful for their presence in your life. This will bring joy and happiness to both you and them. The gift doesn't need to be a new designer item or something extravagant; it can be a souvenir, a second-hand book, or a piece of jewelry. The key is showing appreciation; the value of the gift is secondary.

Give away something you cherish. This is another wonderful way to show gratitude. Donating an old shirt you don't care about is one thing, but giving away your favorite sweater to your sister or your best friend is something entirely different. If you have something meaningful that you no longer use, give it to someone who could truly benefit from it, even if the item holds personal significance to you. This act of giving can have a ripple effect, spreading goodness far beyond what you expect! Regularly giving away something you love can help you become less selfish and less attached to your possessions.

Appreciate nature. Take a hike or go for a run in a park. You could also take a walk along the beach. Immerse yourself in the beauty of nature and focus on the value of the present moment. Valuing nature's beauty makes you feel more thankful for what you have and more willing to give and help others. Connecting with nature can also help you put things into perspective. You’ll gain a deeper understanding of your own small concerns when you stand at the base of a powerful waterfall.

Write thank you cards. Whenever someone does something meaningful for you, take the time to write a thank you card. Be sure to specifically mention what they did and how much it meant to you. Don’t limit yourself to sending cards to teachers, colleagues, or professors; make it a habit to send thank you cards to your close friends and loved ones, showing them you acknowledge and appreciate their efforts. Consider purchasing a pack of ten thank you cards and challenge yourself to send them all within the year.

• Feel grateful for your ability to help those less fortunate than you. Think of them and appreciate all that you have in your life.
• Imagine what life would be like if you were experiencing hunger and didn't know when your next meal would come. Try fasting for at least three days, with only water to drink. Afterward, visit a local food pantry and donate a box of supplies. Then, look at your most expensive piece of clothing – does it really hold more value than food or the hope of escaping hunger and despair?

• Be cautious not to veer too far off course, or you may fall victim to those looking to exploit you. While it's essential to stand strong and protect yourself, also remain open and willing to share your time, resources, and love with people you trust and consider good-hearted.