How to break up when your partner threatens suicide

Breaking up can be difficult in any situation, but it becomes even harder when your partner threatens to harm themselves or commit suicide. It's important to understand that if someone threatens suicide after a breakup, they are mentally manipulating you. The threat can make you feel guilty, scared, or angry, but it's still possible (and necessary) to end the relationship. There are ways to minimize the risk of them harming themselves when you break up, starting with a sincere conversation. Throughout the breakup process, prioritize both of your safety and don't forget to care for your own mental health.

Reassure them that you care. Tell your partner that they still matter to you, even though you are ending the relationship. Let them know that you don’t want them to hurt themselves.

• You might say something like: “I still care about you so much, I’m sorry this is so difficult for you.” You could also say: “I’m heartbroken to hear you say you might hurt yourself. Even though our relationship isn’t working out, to me, you are still a wonderful person.”
• They may not believe you. Make sure they know you are willing to help, but don’t pressure yourself into doing something you’re not comfortable with.

Minimize arguments. Avoid challenging or provoking your partner when they threaten suicide. If they feel you don't take it seriously, they might act on it to prove you wrong.

• For example, avoid saying things like: “You wouldn’t do that” or “You’re just saying that to make me feel bad, right?” Instead, you could say: “I’m really sad that you’re thinking like this.”
• You can also reduce arguments by using statements starting with “I”, such as: “I’m really tired of this relationship” instead of “You don’t make me happy,” which might put the other person on the defensive.
• Speak gently with a calm tone. Keep your body language open, with relaxed arms and legs. When you raise your voice or cross your arms, it’s easier for an argument to escalate.

Maintain boundaries. Let your partner know that your decision won’t change. Reiterate why you want to break up. Be as kind as possible, but avoid being vague.

• You could say: “You are a good person and you’ve given me a lot, but I can’t sacrifice my long-term goals for this relationship.”

Remind them that their choice is not your responsibility. Let your ex know that you cannot control whether they choose to end their life. Don’t let them shift the blame onto you.

• For example, if your ex says: “If I’m no longer here, it’s your fault,” you could reply: “I don’t want anything to happen to you, but that’s your choice, not mine. What you do is beyond my control.”

Tell your partner that they are not defined solely by this relationship. Remind them of their good qualities, talents, and interests. Let them know they don’t need anyone else to define or complete them.

• For example, you might say: “I know this is really hard right now, but you’re worth much more than just being a piece of this relationship. You’re about to enter veterinary school and will do great things in the world. You’ll be happier with someone else in the future.”
• Remind them that other people care about them. Mention people who can be there for them during this time.

Find help for them. Provide a hotline number for your partner to call and get help. Encourage them to talk to a therapist or counselor by helping them find local mental health services.

• The Vietnam Psychological Crisis Prevention Center offers a hotline at 1900599830 - the Youth Talk hotline. If you’re in the U.S., you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. This is a free, confidential 24/7 service.
• tamsubantre.org is an online alternative to the hotline. Counselors are available from 9 AM to 12 PM on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.
• Wikipedia has a list of suicide prevention hotlines from various countries.

Take their threats seriously. Never dismiss your partner’s warnings or assume they’re just trying to intimidate you. While that may sometimes be the case, your main priority should always be safety. If you believe they genuinely mean what they’re saying, take appropriate action.

• If they make a vague suicide threat, offer to take them to the hospital or contact the Youth Support Helpline at 1900599830.
• Reach out to friends or family members to stay with them.
• Never leave them alone, but make sure the person supervising them is not you. Don’t let them think that threatening suicide is the only way to get your attention.

Call 112 or 113 in an emergency. If you believe your ex is in danger or harming themselves or others, immediately call the police. Don’t worry about potentially misjudging the situation—safety always comes first.

• Try to locate the person before calling the authorities. Don’t let them know you’re calling for help. This will ensure the police can reach them promptly.

Inform their family or friends. If you're worried about your ex’s safety, make sure there’s someone to look after them after your breakup. Contact 1-2 of their close family members, friends, or roommates and let them know about your concerns. Ask them to stay with your ex for as long as possible after you break up.

• Say: “Hey, I think they’re in shock, but I’m going to break up with Thảo tonight. She mentioned suicide, and I’m really worried. Can you stay with her for a few days after I leave?”
• Don’t leave until someone else arrives to ensure your ex’s safety.
• Make sure to choose someone who has a close relationship with your ex.

Go to a safe place if you feel threatened. Sometimes, threats of self-harm can signal deeper issues, such as violence. If you feel threatened at any point during the breakup, leave immediately. You can explain things over the phone and end it that way if necessary.

• If they have a history of violence, break up with them over the phone or in a public place.
• Prioritize your own safety in dangerous situations, even if you're concerned about the other person.

Remind yourself of the valid reasons for breaking up. If you feel uncertain, remember that staying in an unhealthy relationship brings no benefit. Continuing will only leave you feeling stuck and frustrated. Someone who tries to manipulate you with suicide threats will find other ways to continue controlling you.

Avoid taking responsibility for their actions. This person is pushing you into a mental crisis by threatening self-harm if you end the relationship, but you are not responsible for their behavior. Remind yourself that they are an individual with their own autonomy. You cannot control or make decisions for them.

• If you struggle with feelings of guilt after breaking up, consider talking to a mental health professional.

Bring the breakup to a close. After ending the relationship, move on and don’t look back. Don’t go back to your ex even if you miss them. Both of you need time and space to grieve the lost relationship. The longer the breakup process is dragged out, the harder it will be to heal.

• Consider removing your ex from your social media profiles.
• Ask mutual friends not to talk about your ex in front of you.
• If you need to contact your ex, choose a method that avoids face-to-face meetings, like texting or emailing.

Lean on family and friends. After a breakup, you’re not alone. Your friends and family are always there to offer help and support. If you feel down, ask if they’re available to talk. If you second-guess your decision, your loved ones will remind you that breaking up was the best choice.