Buzz
It can be really tough to have a friend who is never there when you need them, especially when they always seem to vanish at the last minute or refuse to make any promises. If you have a friend who is careless and needs to be let go, you might be wondering how to handle the situation. The good news is that there are plenty of ways to sever ties with someone who is unable (or unwilling) to be there for you when you need them most. Keep in mind that when you meet with the person who will no longer be your friend, it is best to handle the situation with as much grace as possible.
Steps
Talk to them if you haven't already.
Before cutting ties with someone, don't forget to express how you feel. It's possible that your friend doesn't realize how important this issue is to you, so if you've never addressed it before, make sure to bring it up now. If you give them a chance to change, your friend might surprise you, and you may not need to end a relationship that holds so much meaning for you.
- You could start with something like “Loan, I’ve been feeling really hurt because you keep canceling plans with me, and it makes me feel disrespected,” and continue from there. Be open, honest, and sincere.
- It's possible your friend has become thoughtless because they are overwhelmed with too many things at the moment. Think the best of them and try to solve the problem together.
- Some people casually cancel plans without seeing it as a big deal, while others are simply forgetful and often fail to show up when needed. In any case, you should give them the chance to change.
Be straightforward so everything is clear.
If you want to break up with that friend, be clear about your intentions. This is the most mature approach, and although it can be difficult, it’s better than never answering their calls and leaving them wondering. This way, the other person will understand why you no longer want to be friends, and there may be a chance to reconnect if they take the opportunity to fix things.
- You could say something like, “Hey Bảo, I don’t want to hang out with you anymore. You’re never there when I need you, and it really hurts.”
- If you want to be gentler, you could say, “I really value friendship, but I realize this is an issue for me because it makes it hard for me to be friends with you. I’m sorry.”
Imitate their behavior to let things naturally fade.
Stop being patient with them and cancel plans at your discretion to let them understand. If you start acting toward them the way they have acted toward you, two things could happen. One, they might change, and the two of you could be good friends again; two, they won’t change and will gradually fade away. This is not the quickest way to sever ties, but it’s a good choice if you want them to experience your feelings and realize their mistakes.
- With this strategy, you might be surprised to find that you no longer care about staying close to that friend and feel more comfortable being around them. If this happens, it’s a sign that the friendship still holds value, contrary to what you initially thought!
Let both parties drift apart naturally.
Let time help you end things with that person if you're not in a hurry. You don't always have to express your feelings, and if they've consistently been thoughtless, there's no reason why you can't just let things unfold naturally. Instead of imitating their behavior, simply forget about it. Accept that they will always be like this, and don't let it bother you. Over time, you'll stop inviting them to join your activities, and the friendship will fade away on its own.
- Although you might feel a sense of satisfaction picking up the phone to cancel plans and thinking, “I’ll show them!” in reality, retaliating by mimicking their behavior is not a mature solution. People can change, and so can friendships. If you and this person aren't meant to be friends, there's no reason to feel regret.
Ignore them if you're not planning to see them again.
This approach may not be very mature, but it’s an option if you’ve been hurt. If you've tried talking to them about the issue but nothing has changed (and they’ve become even more thoughtless), then this response is deserved. Delete their contact information and block them on social media. You've made the effort, tried every approach, and they've still ignored you. You don’t owe them anything. Move on and forget them.
- If they call or text, you can tell them to stop reaching out or respond with “I don't want to be friends anymore,” or just ignore them entirely.
- This approach isn't ideal if you work together or go to the same school. If you try to ignore them but continue running into them, it could lead to arguments. If you know you'll still encounter them later, it's better to have an honest and friendly conversation or let the relationship fade naturally over time.
Don't overthink it and treat them like a casual acquaintance.
Instead of ending the relationship, try to reassess the nature of the friendship. Perhaps your view on friendship is different from theirs. If you’ve always dedicated time and energy to being there for them, but haven't received the same in return, you might feel more at ease if you treat them like an acquaintance. It’s possible you've set standards they can’t meet, or you assumed you were closer than you actually are. Either way, things will be easier if you adjust your expectations of this friendship.
- You might not want to hear this, but it's likely you're being too strict with your friends. If they’ve only canceled a few plans, it might not be worth cutting the friendship over.
- Try to act as if nothing significant happened.
Set boundaries and stick to them.
If you’re still friends, clarify what’s acceptable and what’s not. If you dislike how they constantly cancel plans last minute, let them know to stop doing it. If it bothers you that they rarely inform you if they’re coming or not, make sure to mention it. Be clear and specific about what you can’t tolerate and what you’re okay with, depending on the situation.
- You could say, “Mai, I understand that sometimes things come up unexpectedly, but it really hurts when you say you’ll come and then don’t show up without saying anything. If you still consider me a friend, can you please stop doing that?”
- Or, “You know, if it’s just the two of us, that’s fine, but when there’s a party and I invite you, it makes me look bad when you don’t show up. Please make sure you come next time.”
Spend time with people who keep their word.
Now is the time to invest your energy in other friends. There's no reason to pour your time and effort into people who don’t care when you have other friends who are always there for you. Forget about the shallow friends and focus on the ones who truly value your friendship. If you don’t have any other friends, this is a great reason to make new friends!
- If your thoughtless friend notices you having more fun with other people, they may change their behavior.
Don’t take their thoughtlessness personally.
No matter what happens, don't blame yourself for their behavior. It's understandable to feel upset when a friend acts thoughtlessly, but remember, this is not your fault. People who constantly ruin plans tend to be careless, selfish, or simply unaware of the consequences. Whatever the reason, the fault is theirs, not yours, and you should not blame yourself.
- If you think they are only careless with you, ask mutual friends how they behave with others. If someone consistently declines your invitations, there might be an issue between you and them. However, it’s more likely they treat everyone this way, and others just don’t complain about it.
Accept a bit of thoughtlessness.
We all cancel plans sometimes, so try not to be too rigid. If you're someone who is always punctual and never misses an appointment, you might find it frustrating when someone cancels last minute or doesn't show up. However, this is a common occurrence and doesn’t warrant an overreaction if it only happens occasionally.
- Loving your friends also means accepting their flaws. If they don’t mean harm and this isn’t a regular habit, try not to overthink it.
