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Reconnecting with your partner after they’ve grown emotionally distant
If your partner seems to be pulling away, you’re likely eager to find ways to bring them back into your emotional space. While it’s natural for partners to experience emotional distance at times, it doesn't make it easier to deal with. Thankfully, there are many strategies you can use to close that gap. Keep reading for tips on how to mend emotional distance and restore the closeness and intimacy in your relationship.
Essential Things to Keep in Mind
- Embrace the differences between you and your partner, and recognize how those differences add excitement and variety to your relationship.
- Set achievable expectations for both you and your partner. It's unrealistic to expect that either of you will never make mistakes or always understand each other’s thoughts.
- Be open and honest in your communication. Share your needs with your partner, and encourage them to do the same with you.
Actionable Steps
Appreciate the differences between you and your partner.
Attempting to change your partner only drives them away. You and your partner are distinct individuals, so it’s natural that you won’t always share the same goals or values. Instead of imposing your desires on them, appreciate what makes them unique and the qualities you admire. When you accept your partner for who they are, they will be more likely to feel closer to you.
Establish realistic expectations for your partner.
Unrealistically high expectations can create distance in your relationship. If you expect too much from your partner and become upset when they fall short, it may lead to them pulling away. Be sure the expectations you set for both your partner and your relationship are practical and achievable.
- For instance, expecting your partner to instantly understand when you're upset without any communication is an unrealistic expectation. They can’t know what’s wrong unless you tell them!
- Thinking your partner should never forget anything or make mistakes is another example of an unrealistic expectation. Perfection doesn’t exist, and no one can live up to such a standard.
Allow your partner some personal space.
The more you chase your partner, the further they may retreat. Some people need personal space to recharge, and if they don't get that, they may start distancing themselves. Give your partner some space and reassure them that you’re there when they’re ready. They’ll appreciate that you respected their need for space, and it will bring them closer to you.
- You could say, “I understand you need some time for yourself, but I’m here when you’re ready to talk.”
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 2335 Mytour readers, and 51% of them said that the best way to reconnect when your partner pulls away is to give them space and wait for them to reach out. [Take Poll]
Practice positive communication.
Criticism can cause your partner to shut down. If you constantly use a negative tone or focus on your partner’s mistakes, they may become emotionally distant. Instead of highlighting their flaws, try to focus on their strengths and offer encouragement when they falter.
- If your partner only gets through part of the chores you assigned, instead of saying, “Why didn’t you finish everything I asked?” try saying, “Thank you for getting as much done as you could.”
- While it's important to express your feelings when something bothers you, ensure that your communication is supportive and empathetic. Use a gentle tone to talk about how their actions make you feel rather than blaming them.
Show compassion toward your partner.
Your partner will feel more comfortable opening up if you express your love for them. It can be tempting to blame your partner for acting distant, but this will only make them feel worse. Rather than harboring negative thoughts, let them go and understand that your partner may be going through a difficult time. Reaffirm your care for them and let them know you’re there for them in any way they need. They will appreciate that you are focused on supporting them in becoming their best self.
- Offer praise when your partner achieves something and let them know how proud you are of their efforts.
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Start QuizExplore More QuizzesInquire about your partner's stressors.
Understanding the problem can help you both find a solution together. Some individuals prefer to handle stress on their own, which can create emotional distance. Sit down with your partner and gently ask about what's going on in their life that might be causing them distress. If they need space, respect that, but if they decide to talk, give them your full attention and work together to find a resolution.
- Try saying, “I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit withdrawn lately. Is everything alright? I’m here to listen if something’s on your mind.”
Share your needs openly.
Open communication strengthens your bond and provides emotional satisfaction. Your partner may not realize that their distance is affecting you. Choose a calm moment to talk in person, which will help facilitate the conversation. Use 'I' statements to express your feelings, avoiding blame. This way, you can both explore solutions that meet each other’s needs.
- For example, you could say, “I feel uncertain when you’re distant because I’m not sure how to improve the situation. It would help if you could let me know how I can support you in those moments.”
- Alternatively, you might express, “When you’re distant, I worry that I’ve done something wrong and that it’s upsetting you. I need clearer communication so I can understand how to move forward.”
Support your partner in the way they truly need.
Your partner might require a different kind of support than what you anticipate. Instead of assuming you know what your partner needs, ask them directly how you can best assist them. Give them your undivided attention and really listen so you can understand how they prefer to be supported. Follow through on what they ask from you to build trust and show that you genuinely care about their emotional well-being.
- For instance, you could ask, “Is there anything I can do to help, or do you need some space to yourself?”
Consider your actions that might upset your partner.
Recognizing and changing negative patterns can improve your relationship. Your partner may distance themselves if they feel criticized or unsupported. Take time to reflect on instances when your partner withdrew and how you responded. If you reacted in a way that made them feel judged or overly dependent on them, it could have pushed them further away. When your partner starts pulling back, take a moment to understand your own emotions so you can address the situation more calmly.
- For example, you might have become upset when your partner chose to spend time with their friends. While it’s natural to want to be with them, reacting negatively to their need for space can create more distance.
Make time to bond and reconnect.
Schedule regular date nights to strengthen your emotional connection. No matter how long you've been together, it's crucial to keep the romance and emotional closeness alive. Set aside one or two nights each month to enjoy something fun together, whether it’s going out or staying in, as long as you’re spending quality time with each other.
Prioritize your personal goals and passions.
Being independent can actually make your relationship stronger. When your partner feels like you’re too focused on them or their aspirations, it may come across as though you’re neglecting your own. Pursue your interests and work towards your own dreams to show your partner that you're self-driven. They’ll admire your ability to put energy into your personal growth and not constantly rely on them.
Esther Perel, Psychotherapist
While spending quality time together is key, maintaining individuality is just as vital for a healthy relationship. "Love is built on two foundations: surrender and autonomy. We crave togetherness, but we also need our separateness."
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If you're struggling to address emotional distance, consider speaking to a therapist, either on your own or with your partner, to work through any challenges that may arise.
