How to Build a Harmonious Relationship with Your In-Laws

Listen to your in-laws. They often have many stories to share, whether about their current life or the years gone by. Let them tell their stories, and be an attentive listener. You may learn something interesting and make them feel good just by listening. Many of their stories will likely revolve around your spouse, giving you deeper insights into your partner's past.

• Encourage them to open up to you. For instance, you can ask, 'Tell me about your life when you were growing up.'

Avoid unnecessary arguments. Family members often argue about topics like politics, religion, or current events. It's important not to try to change someone's lifestyle. Similarly, don't attempt to correct their social habits. If they engage in public behaviors like spitting, swearing, or picking their nose, try to avoid lecturing them.

• Your in-laws are likely older than you, and as people age, they tend to resist new ideas and changes. Respect their decisions and views, even if you disagree with them.
• Don’t look for faults in them. Avoid compiling long lists of grievances when talking to others about your in-laws. If things are getting out of hand, consider discussing it with your partner first and then, if necessary, address it directly with your in-laws.

Treat your in-laws as you would your own parents. See your spouse's siblings as your own. Be friendly, sincere, and natural around them. You should also be honest and open in your conversations. Relax when you're with them—don’t feel like you're being tested or studied. Share your deepest feelings and thoughts with them when appropriate. After all, your in-laws are your family too. Viewing them this way will significantly help you bond with them.

Don’t share marital issues with them. Your in-laws will always side with their children or siblings, and sharing your problems with them will only make them worry. No one likes to hear negative things about their children; doing so will only put them on the defensive. It's best to solve any issues privately with your spouse. Avoid involving your in-laws or making them pick sides.

Remember to set boundaries early on. Many sons- and daughters-in-law become overly accommodating at first in an effort to gain approval and make a good impression. While this is natural when you're new to a family, it’s important to establish boundaries early. This will make the relationship easier in the long run.

• For instance, if your mother-in-law frequently drops by your house without notice, you should let her know that it’s best if she gives you a heads-up before visiting. It’s better to have your spouse communicate this to her, as it’s easier to hear from their child than from you.
• Using the example above, you could ask your spouse to say: “Mom, could you do us a favor? We love having you visit, but we'd appreciate some notice so we can be fully prepared to spend time with you. Would it be possible for you to let us know in advance when you want to come over? Thanks, Mom!”
• If your in-laws offer advice on raising children, patiently listen and consider their suggestions. They’re sharing their wisdom from their own experiences, and it could be valuable for you. Thank them and let them know you’ll discuss the advice with your spouse. Later, in private, you and your spouse can decide whether to follow it. If you choose not to, simply don’t act on it, and they’ll likely let it go without further comment.

Adjust your expectations. Meeting your spouse's family may require you to step outside your comfort zone. Don’t assume that their family is like your own. Your family might be more reserved and not as physically affectionate, while your in-laws might be very expressive and prone to hugging and kissing each other with enthusiasm. Try to adapt to their way of doing things when you enter their “territory.” Remember the movie *When In Rome*.

Make holidays and special events a collaborative effort. For example, on your spouse’s birthday, you could call your in-laws beforehand and ask for their help in planning the meal, organizing games, and hosting the party. They might bring cutlery and napkins, while you provide the cake and snacks. You might be the one to find a venue, while they handle roasting the chicken. Sharing responsibilities in this way will show them that you trust them and want them involved, helping you grow closer over time.

• When you change or adjust plans, make sure to do so with your in-laws' agreement. Don’t cancel plans unilaterally.
• Don’t let your in-laws dictate your family’s actions. For example, if you’ve agreed to have dinner with them on Christmas Eve, but you and your immediate family want to spend Christmas Day alone (assuming that’s your wish), you should tell your in-laws, “We had a wonderful dinner last night, but today we’d like to spend time at home with the kids and let them enjoy their new toys.” If they insist on a visit, try to find a compromise, like inviting them to your place.

Understand their fears. When parents see their children grow up, they often worry about becoming more distant from them. Parents always want to remain actively involved in their children's lives, no matter their age. When their children marry, they may feel like they are losing their child. This fear is part of a larger anxiety about losing control as they age and become more physically frail.

• Address their fears directly. They may not come right out and tell you that they’re afraid of losing contact or affection from their child. However, you should reassure your in-laws that they are still an important part of your spouse’s life. You might encourage your spouse to reinforce this message to them.
• Keep your promises. Regularly visit your in-laws with your spouse and invite them to family gatherings, holidays, anniversaries, and other special occasions.

Spend time with your in-laws. Spending time with someone or something over an extended period can help build a connection. You shouldn’t avoid your in-laws. When your spouse suggests visiting them, make the effort to do so and remember to communicate with them. Over time, your in-laws will feel more comfortable with you as they get to know you better.

• Regularly visit your in-laws with your spouse and invite them to family gatherings, holidays, anniversaries, and other special occasions.

Assist your spouse's parents. As people grow older, they often need help maintaining their homes, such as raking leaves, mowing the lawn, or installing and removing window air conditioners as the weather changes. You should offer help when they need it. Don’t wait for them to ask you; be proactive and say, “I’d like to come over and help mom/dad with the oil change. Would next weekend be good for you?” This approach will make them appreciate you more and show them that you are capable of caring for their child.

Give them meaningful gifts. Don’t limit gift-giving to just Christmas and birthdays. Unless you visit them frequently, try to find something thoughtful that your parents-in-law would enjoy. Knowing their collecting habits can be quite helpful. For instance, if your father-in-law is into golf, you could buy him a new golf cap or a set of golf balls while you're on a business trip. If your mother-in-law enjoys baking or cooking, you could buy her a cookbook that features high-end ingredients for her to create a delicious dish.

• Gifting them on anniversaries or other special occasions is a nice gesture.

Find common interests – hobbies, habits, or passions – and share them with your in-laws. For example, you could pick up a book from their shelf the next time you visit. This will not only help alleviate the boredom during family gatherings but also show that you care about and respect the things your in-laws love.

• If your father-in-law enjoys golfing, invite him to a round at a 9-hole course. If he likes baseball, buy a couple of tickets and invite him to a game, or take your mother-in-law and spouse on a family outing.
• If your mother-in-law loves gardening, go to her house and help her weed the garden and plant seeds. When it’s time to harvest, offer to help her pick the vegetables.

Maintain harmony with your spouse. You need to make sure that your partner is happy enough to display positive traits. While expecting your relationship to always be perfect is unrealistic, keeping balance in the relationship is a great way to build trust with your in-laws. Keep communication open, show love to one another, and approach everything as a team.

• Greet them with a smile when you see them.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for their help when you need it.

• Don’t agree to get involved in resolving family issues on your spouse's side. This will only add to the stress.
• It’s best to avoid engaging in any financial transactions with them. Money can ruin relationships.