Buzz
Shifting your focus to appreciate qualities beyond just physical attraction
Being swept off your feet by someone you feel a powerful attraction to is undeniably thrilling. But it's also important not to disregard someone just because that spark isn't there immediately. Engaging with someone you don’t feel an instant pull toward can lead to a surprising and rewarding connection. You might end up in a meaningful relationship with someone you never expected to bond with.
Important Things to Consider
- Take time to understand the person at a deeper level. Pay more attention to how they make you feel than how they appear.
- Be open and have an honest conversation with your date about how you're feeling.
- Reflect on your expectations for a partner, and reconsider them if they seem unrealistic or overly demanding.
- Look past physical attributes and challenge yourself to grow beyond surface-level judgments.
Key Actions to Take
Giving Them an Opportunity
Take time to understand them. You may discover unique traits that make them an ideal match for you. Some people need time to open up and reveal their true selves, so be patient with them.
- Someone with an energetic personality will keep things lively and enjoyable.
- Someone who is dependable and caring will always stand by you in the relationship.
Identify shared interests. Spending time with someone who enjoys the same activities as you can be a lot of fun. They might even align with your personal beliefs. If you can find common interests, you'll enjoy engaging in stimulating conversations about topics that both of you are passionate about.
- Share your favorite music with them.
- See if your movie preferences match.
- Discuss the values that are important to you.
Notice how they make you feel. Take a moment to step back from how you perceive the person and focus on how you feel when you're with them. It might be worth overlooking some of their imperfections if their presence boosts your self-esteem.
- Do they always seem to say the right things to lift your spirits when you're feeling down?
- Do they make you feel heard and understood when you share your concerns?
- Do you feel comfortable being yourself around them?
Consider the long-term potential. Think about whether you can envision a future with this person. Remember, attraction can be fleeting, and your preferences may change over time. What's more important for a lasting relationship is whether you genuinely enjoy their company.
- Strong attraction is often strongest in the early stages of a relationship.
- Even if you're not attracted to them right now, can you see your feelings for them growing in the future?
- Are there any attractive qualities you may have missed initially?
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Be truthful with yourself. Take a moment to list everything you find unappealing about the person. Identify which of these traits are changeable. If the person has traits or behaviors that are permanent and you find them unappealing, then you must consider if it's worth pursuing a relationship.
- Aspects like someone's style, hygiene, and manners can be modified over time in a relationship.
- Physical appearance or ingrained personality traits are much harder to alter and are likely to stay the same throughout the relationship.
Reflect on whether it's fair to ask them to change. What you find unattractive might be something they enjoy. Even if they agree to change, there’s a risk they might resent you in the future. However, if they can grow or benefit from making changes, you should bring it up.
- If someone prefers casual clothing, but you're more attracted to formal wear, asking them to change their style might not be reasonable.
- If you dislike a habit like smoking, it’s fair to let them know. You could help them improve their health by offering support.
Have an open conversation. Ensure you’re both on the same page. Be clear about how you feel. They may not want to be with someone who isn’t initially attracted to them. Don’t assume they’re willing to wait for your attraction to grow. Ask them how they feel about the situation and listen closely to their response.
Say something like:
- “I love spending time with you, but I don’t feel attracted to you right now. I’d like us to take things slowly to see if my feelings change. Would you be open to that?”
- “We share a strong emotional bond. While I’m not physically attracted to you yet, I know it can take time for that to develop. I’d like to explore a relationship with you. What do you think?”
Be direct. Let them know if you don’t see the relationship progressing. The longer you wait to speak up, the more hurt feelings you risk. It's unfair to keep someone around if you're only waiting for someone better to come along.
- If one person expects intense passion while the other seeks a caretaker, the relationship could end in a painful breakup.
Reevaluating Your Expectations
Identify what truly matters to you in a relationship. Be honest with yourself about the qualities you need in a partner. You might realize that there are aspects in a relationship that are more important to you than just attraction. Does your date possess any of the traits you’re seeking? You may value a partner who is:
- supportive
- compassionate
- intelligent
- adventurous
- courteous
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Reflect on your past relationships. If you often find yourself in relationships that leave you unsatisfied, it might be a sign that you're overvaluing instant attraction. Strong feelings of attraction can sometimes mask the reality of compatibility.
- What drew you to your past partners?
- What worked well, and what didn’t, in your previous relationships?
- Does your current date offer something different from your past relationships?
Examine any contradictions in your expectations. Perhaps you’re looking for qualities in a partner that don't align. For instance: Do you want someone who's highly career-focused but also able to spend plenty of time with you? If your expectations conflict, you may need to prioritize which traits matter most to you.
- It may be difficult to find someone who is committed to fitness yet enjoys indulging at your favorite fast food joints.
- If you're seeking someone who is sociable, don’t expect them to also enjoy quiet weekends alone with you.
Be open-minded. Do you have a fixed image of your ideal partner that’s impossible for anyone to meet? If so, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Remember, even if someone doesn't meet every requirement you have, they could still possess many wonderful qualities. If you're unwilling to compromise, you might miss out on a truly amazing person.
- You may be limiting your attraction to people who don’t meet your high standards.
- Your expectations might be influenced by your own insecurities, making it easier to push someone away than to risk feeling rejected.
Understanding Beauty Standards
Be reasonable. Do you expect your dates to be as flawless as the celebrities featured on magazine covers? If so, you might be holding unrealistic beauty standards. Keep in mind that those celebrities have makeup artists and stylists working long hours to perfect their looks. Even with all that, their photos are often retouched to appear flawless.
- If you're holding others to these idealized beauty standards, you're being unfair to them.
- Think about how you’d feel if others compared your appearance to their impossible standards of physical beauty.
Adjust your mindset. Are you fixating on every tiny flaw when assessing someone’s appearance? If so, you might be training yourself to spot imperfections instead of appreciating the bigger picture. Focus on the features you like about someone's looks rather than the things you don't.
- If you’re overly critical, you may find it difficult to feel attracted to others.
- When you stop looking for flaws, you'll likely find that someone becomes more appealing.
Remember, appearances change. If you're searching for someone to build a long-term relationship with, it's wise to prioritize personality over physical looks. People’s appearances evolve over time. If you base your relationship decisions solely on appearance, you might find that you have less in common as time passes.
- Physical traits can reflect aspects of a person’s character. For instance, someone who is dedicated to staying fit may demonstrate that they care about their health and can offer similar care in a relationship.
Understand that beauty is only superficial. Look past their outward appearance and focus on their true character. A person’s looks don’t determine how they’ll treat you or if you'll be compatible in the long run.
- If you place too much value on someone’s physical appearance, you might miss important flaws in their personality.
EXPERT ADVICE
John Keegan
Relationship Coach
Relationship Coach
Attraction is about more than just looks. Look for someone with intelligence, confidence, and compassion. The most meaningful relationships are built on shared values and someone who lifts you up.
Personal Growth
Try new experiences. If you’ve always been attracted to the same type of person, chances are your dates have followed similar patterns. By stepping outside your usual preferences and dating someone different, you might find yourself exploring new activities and perspectives. For instance, your date might take you to:
- a sports game
- a ballet performance
- a unique restaurant
- a comedy show
Learn more about yourself. Dating someone who is different from your usual type can reveal new aspects of your personality. You might discover things about yourself that you didn't know before.
- If you're usually more introverted and your date enjoys socializing, you might find yourself enjoying social events more than expected.
- If your date invites you to volunteer, you might uncover a passion for giving back to the community.
- If politics comes up in conversation, you may find that you have strong views on the subject that you weren’t aware of.
Find new ways to be attracted. You might discover attraction in ways you never imagined. Whether it’s a deep emotional bond or the engaging nature of their conversation, sometimes attraction grows over time. At some point, you might reflect on why you weren’t initially drawn to them. You may find yourself captivated by:
- their sense of humor
- their kindness
- their optimistic outlook
- their charm
- their drive and ambition
Practice patience before making judgments. It’s rewarding to take the time to truly get to know someone. Often, you can’t see the full picture of a person right away. By postponing your judgment and allowing time for a deeper connection, you open yourself to new possibilities. You may find that someone you initially didn’t feel drawn to could become someone indispensable in your life.
- Being open-minded and patient can also expand your social circle. By holding off on judging people you initially don’t like, you might discover they become some of your closest friends.
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Take your time. Let attraction develop naturally.
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Avoid being overly critical. Focusing on someone’s flaws might cause you to miss the qualities that make them appealing.
Important Reminders
- Trust your instincts. Never date someone who makes you feel unsafe.
- Don’t lead anyone on. If the relationship isn’t progressing, it’s best to end it.
