How to Build Assertiveness

Are you feeling upset because your friends have treated you harshly? Do your parents often make you feel guilty on purpose? Or do you frequently find yourself broke because you lend money to others? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, it may be time for you to learn how to assert yourself. Developing assertiveness can be a process that requires patience and perseverance, but in the long run, mastering this skill will help you communicate more effectively.

Start using "I" statements. Statements with the subject "I" show that you are taking responsibility for your own feelings and viewpoints without blaming or attacking others. These assertive statements reflect your personal experience with a specific topic and don’t focus on someone else’s experience. By using "I" messages, you let the listener know that "this is how I perceive the situation." For example:

• "I feel scared and frustrated when I hear shouting or swearing during an argument" instead of "You yelling and swearing scares me. You need to stop it."
• "I worry that my abilities don't match the current role" instead of "You put me in a position that prevents me from growing."

Get comfortable saying “no”. Turning down projects or late-night hangouts with friends may seem unfriendly at first, but sometimes you need to say “no” to make space for opportunities that foster your growth. Ultimately, you have the right to use your time as you see fit. Being decisive means knowing when to decline situations that don’t align with your goals.

• Initially, saying “no” might feel difficult, but with practice, you'll realize that doing so will push you forward. You'll learn to set boundaries with others and assert yourself, which are two of the most important skills for personal and professional growth.

Avoid making judgments. Many people hesitate to be assertive in social situations because they confuse assertiveness with judgment. Being assertive means standing up for yourself, but doing so with compromise, considering others’ needs, and maintaining a respectful attitude. Judgment and criticism, however, don’t share the same principles.

Control your emotions. Assertive individuals excel at communication. They don’t allow their emotions to dominate interactions. They manage their feelings because letting emotions take over can lead to unpredictable consequences.

• For example, when you disagree with something someone says, getting angry won’t be productive. Outbursts of anger can damage relationships because you’re reacting emotionally instead of remaining objective.
• The first step to mastering your emotions is to become aware of them. Start tracking your emotions over several days. Note the times and situations that trigger strong feelings in you. Create an emotional chart and make notes about how you feel.
• Next, explore the triggers behind those feelings. In other words, why do you react that way? Then, ask yourself whether those emotions are accurately reflecting how you want to behave and interact with others. If not, you’ll need to adjust your thinking by correcting negative or unhelpful thoughts.

Eliminate qualifying statements. In English, “qualifying statements” are phrases added to lessen the impact of a statement. In written debates, leaving room for uncertainty is often necessary. However, in situations that call for assertiveness, you should express your views with absolute affirmations—statements you fully stand behind. These definitive statements leave no room for doubt, reflecting confidence and decisiveness.

• A qualifying statement might be: “This is just my opinion, but…” or “You don’t need to pay attention to this, but…”
• A stronger, absolute statement would be: “In my view…” (without the word “but” or any mitigating words) or “I believe the best course of action is…”

Be assertive with your body language. Non-verbal communication can have an equal, if not stronger, impact than verbal communication. Assertive individuals pay attention to their body language to convey a non-threatening, open, and respectful attitude.

• An assertive speaker respects personal space by maintaining about a 1-meter distance between themselves and others. They make eye contact (but not staring) and speak at an appropriate volume—not too quiet or too loud—with a tone that suits the situation and setting.
• They may stand or sit up straight, adopting a relaxed posture with open arms and legs facing the person they’re talking to. They use calm gestures to emphasize their words.

Learn to choose your tactics. The approach of always choosing peace may not be the best strategy in every area of life. However, harshly criticizing someone for a small mistake during an argument is unlikely to win support. Staying assertive means maintaining a balance between being firm and flexible.

• Choose your battles wisely. Not every issue requires a heated debate or long-winded speech. Focus on the issues that align with your values and express your opinions on those matters.

Know what you want. Assertiveness can enhance self-esteem, but, on the other hand, you need some self-esteem to be assertive in social situations. Both assertiveness and self-esteem stem from understanding what you want. How do you want to be treated by others? What are you passionate about? What kinds of people do you want to be around? What qualities do you value in yourself and in others? These questions will give you a clear sense of your desires.

• Grab a pen and paper to start. List the values you admire in both yourself and others. These values may include qualities such as ambition, tolerance, passion, honesty, kindness, etc. Rank them based on which ones you consider most important. How you rank these values will help you answer many other questions.

Clarify your expectations – for yourself and for others. Once you understand what you want from life, it’s time to act on it. Stop accepting behavior from others that doesn’t meet your standards. Speak up for what you want by standing your ground when your basic needs aren’t being met.

• For example, if your partner lies to you, going against your fundamental desire for an honest and straightforward relationship, you must assert yourself (i.e., communicate) about your needs. If the person disrespects your boundaries, you might need to reconsider whether this relationship is worth continuing.
• Avoid beating around the bush or waiting for others to figure it out. Clearly and directly express your needs and desires, showing that your standards and values are non-negotiable. “I want a boyfriend I can trust” or “I need you to always be honest with me.”

Know what you already have. A crucial factor in building self-esteem is acknowledging your strengths. Create two lists: one outlining your achievements, and another listing everything you’re proud of. If you struggle to identify your valuable traits, consider involving a close friend or family member to help you recognize your qualities.

Edit your thoughts. Not many people realize that one of the most effective tools for controlling our emotions and behavior lies within our own minds. The things you say to yourself daily can make you feel amazing or terrible on any given day. Learn to control your inner dialogue by paying attention to the negative and unhelpful things you tell yourself. Challenge those negative thoughts by seeking out evidence – or lack of evidence – to support or disprove those unproductive beliefs.

• For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I will never get a raise. No one notices my performance,” reconsider that thought. Can you really predict the future (that you’ll never get a raise)? How do you know that no one is aware of your performance?
• By asking these questions, you can demonstrate how that thought is clearly irrational, since no one can predict the future. By bringing awareness to these negative thoughts, you can reduce the self-criticism that undermines your self-esteem.

Show respect for everyone. It’s essential to recognize that “assertiveness” is very different from “aggression.” Traits like being “go-getting” or “high-energy” are often praised in the business world as positive attributes. Aggressive marketing or enthusiastic salesmanship—these are great qualities in many fields. However, someone who is aggressive or overly assertive in communication tends to attack, belittle, disrespect, and violate the rights of others.

• Being assertive means respecting others' opinions, time, and efforts. Stand up for yourself while also maintaining a positive attitude towards others. When you show respect for others, you naturally become a more respected person in their eyes as well.

• Remember, assertiveness is a combination of several factors, including how you sit, speak, and present yourself to others. You need to practice and incorporate all of these elements to become an effective communicator.

• Assertiveness is often mistaken for aggression. As mentioned earlier, these are two very different interaction styles. Assertiveness involves fairness and standing up for oneself in a respectful manner, without being threatening.