How to Build Relationships with People with Autism

You may know someone with autism and wish to connect with them to form a friendship. This can be challenging because autism (including high-functioning Asperger's syndrome and PDD-NOS) is classified by the differences in social skills and communication awareness. While individuals with autism experience the world differently, there are still ways to build a relationship with them.

Understand the psychological challenges faced by individuals with autism. To connect with someone, it's important to know where they’re coming from, so understanding the difficulties people with autism face can be very helpful. They may struggle to interpret your emotions, or even if they understand how you feel, they might not fully grasp why you feel that way. Additionally, they may consider sensory issues and introverted states as normal, so social interactions can be exhausting for them. Despite these challenges, the thought of forming a bond with you is still important to them.

Understand Social Challenges. You may notice your friend occasionally says or does something socially inappropriate, like mentioning things that most people would prefer to keep private, getting too close to others, or cutting in line. This is because individuals with autism often struggle to grasp social rules.

• Typically, you can explain a social rule to them or let them know that their actions are bothering you. For instance, you could say, 'This isn’t the end of the line, so we shouldn’t cut in here. The line actually starts over there.' People with autism usually have a strong sense of fairness, so when you explain a social rule tied to fairness, they may listen more attentively.
• Believe they mean well. Individuals with autism are rarely trying to offend anyone. They don’t want to hurt you or anyone else; they simply don’t always know how to respond appropriately.

Understand the Behavior of People with Autism. They often exhibit various atypical behaviors. For example, people with autism may:

• Repeat what others say. This is known as 'echolalia' (the involuntary repetition of another person’s words).
• Talk about one specific topic for an extended period without realizing the other person has lost interest.
• Speak bluntly and sometimes too honestly.
• Suddenly introduce comments that seem unrelated to the current conversation, such as pointing out a beautiful flower.
• Not respond when their name is called.

Understand the Importance of Routine. For individuals with autism, routine plays a crucial role in their daily life. You can foster a better relationship by always remembering how important routines are to them; by helping ensure their daily habits are maintained.

• If you've become part of someone's routine and then step away, it can deeply upset them.
• Try to consider their perspective when interacting. Even if you don’t personally care much about routines or don’t mind if they’re disrupted, for them, straying from their routine can be a big issue.

Recognize the Impact of Special Interests. For a typical person, a special interest might be seen as a passion. But for those with autism, these interests go beyond mere passion. People with autism often have intense special interests and may want to talk about them at length. See if you share any of these interests, and use them as a means to connect.

• Some individuals with autism might have more than one special interest at the same time.

Learn Their Strengths, Differences, and Challenges. Every individual with autism is unique, so it's essential to understand them as an independent person.

• Struggling to understand tone and body language is common among people with autism, so they may need extra explanations.
• They may use body language differently, such as avoiding eye contact during conversations or frequently engaging in self-soothing behaviors. You should become aware of what they consider 'normal' behaviors.
• Sensory issues (individuals with autism may have difficulties with loud noises or feel uncomfortable when someone touches them unexpectedly).

Eliminate Prejudices About Autism. One common misconception about autism stems from the movie Rain Man (even if unintentionally), where it's suggested that most people with autism have supernatural abilities (like being able to rapidly count how many toothpicks fall on the floor).

• In reality, such 'autistic geniuses' are extremely rare.

Accept Them and Their Imperfections. On one hand, not acknowledging them might lead you to view them as just 'an autistic friend,' reinforcing a stereotype or treating them like a child. On the other hand, refusing to acknowledge their challenges and not addressing their needs can harm your relationship. It's essential to find a balance by treating their differences as natural and not something to overly focus on.

• Don’t tell others that your friend is autistic unless they give you permission to do so.
• If they need help, offer it unconditionally. They will be surprised by your kindness and will appreciate your empathy.

Understand How You Feel and What You Want to Do. People with autism often don’t pick up on hints or subtle cues, so it’s best to be direct about your feelings. This eliminates any ambiguity between the two of you, and if the person with autism has upset you, this gives them a chance to make amends and learn from the experience.

• 'I had a really tough day at work, and I need some quiet right now. Let’s talk later.'
• 'Inviting Hung to hang out really threw me off, and I was so surprised when he agreed! I’m really excited about the meeting on Friday. Can you give me some advice on what to wear?'

Accept Their Quirks and Don’t Try to Change Them. People with autism often move, speak, and interact in ways that seem unconventional. If these quirks are part of your autistic friend’s behavior, remember they are simply part of who they are. If you want to be friends, you’ll need to accept these peculiarities.

• If something crosses a line for you (like they keep playing with your hair until it annoys you), or if they do something that bothers you, feel free to explain to them how it makes you feel.
• If they express a desire to seem less quirky than others, you can tactfully point out moments when they act in a way that might appear odd. You can explain this clearly and respectfully, without condescension, much like explaining to a new driver how to merge onto the highway.

Introduce Your Autistic Friend to Others. If your friend with autism wants to make new connections, they may be interested in group activities. Regardless of how clearly or subtly their autism traits manifest in social settings, you'll be amazed at how your other friends may accept them!

Pay Attention to Signs of Stress, and Step In to Prevent Overwhelm or Breakdown. If an autistic person feels too much pressure, they might start to yell, cry, or lose their ability to speak. They may not recognize the signs of stress themselves, so if you notice they are getting agitated, encourage them to take a break.

• Help them move to a peaceful, quiet place, away from noise and distractions.
• Avoid exposing them to crowds or unfamiliar faces.
• Always ask for permission before touching them. For example, 'I’d like to hold your hand and take you outside.' Don’t surprise or startle them.
• Avoid criticizing their behavior. They may not have full control over themselves at the moment, and adding pressure could make things worse. If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to step away.
• Ask if they would like a tight hug. Sometimes this can be very helpful.
• Let them rest afterward, whether they prefer your company or need some time alone.

Respect Their Autonomy and Personal Space, and Encourage Others to Do the Same. The general rule of respect applies to both neurotypical and autistic people: don’t grab their hands/arms/body without permission, don’t take things they’re playing with, and think carefully before speaking or acting. Some people, even adults, may feel that individuals with disabilities should not be treated like everyone else.

• If you see someone being rude or dismissive toward an autistic person, speak up.
• Encourage your autistic friend to recognize when they’re being mistreated and to stand up for themselves. This can be challenging, especially for those with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) from therapy or past traumatic experiences.

Ask How You Can Support Them. Understand how to build a relationship with an autistic person by discussing how they feel about living in a more secluded way. They may want to share valuable insights to help deepen your connection.

• Open-ended questions like 'What is autism?' can be too vague, and the autistic person might struggle to express such a complex idea. More specific questions like 'What does feeling overwhelmed feel like?' or 'How can I help when you're stressed?' tend to yield more practical answers.
• Make sure to ask these questions in a quiet, private place to avoid drawing unwanted attention. Be clear and sincere in your approach so they don’t misunderstand or think you're teasing them.

Avoid Adding Pressure When They Display 'Stimming' Behaviors. Stimming (self-stimulatory behavior) helps people with autism calm down and regulate their emotions. For example, if they start giggling and clapping when they see you, it’s likely a sign they really like you. Remember, stimming is often beneficial for the person with autism, so unless it's disruptive or invades your personal space, try to accept it. If you feel uncomfortable with their behavior, take a deep breath. Common stimming behaviors include:

• Fidgeting with objects.
• Swaying or rocking.
• Clapping or waving hands.
• Bouncing up and down.
• Head-banging.
• Screaming.
• Repetitively feeling the texture of objects, like their hair.

Show Clearly That You Accept Them. Autistic individuals often face criticism from family members, friends, medical professionals, bullies, and even strangers because of their unusual behaviors or appearance. This can make their lives challenging. Communicate your unconditional acceptance through both words and actions. Remind them that there’s no shame in being different, and that you appreciate them simply for being themselves.