How to Build Trust

Trust is the most essential element in any relationship. People develop trust when they feel safe enough to reveal their vulnerabilities and are assured that everything will be alright. You can build trust in a relationship by being willing to put in the effort. Establishing trust requires a commitment to being reliable in your actions.

Do what you say. One of the most crucial steps in building a foundation of trust is following through on your promises. Even the smallest actions matter. Failing to do what you’ve promised, whether it's a minor task or something bigger, can erode the trust others have in you.

• Occasionally missing a commitment might be forgivable, but continuously breaking promises is unacceptable. Over time, people will begin to see you as untrustworthy.

Value your promises. Trust requires you to be someone who can be relied upon for the long term. Therefore, when you make a promise to someone, you must follow through on it.

• If you can't keep a promise, you should explain directly why you are unable to fulfill it.
• Especially when you make an important promise, a mere explanation may not suffice. You need to promise something else to help calm the other person. This time, you must keep your word no matter what happens!
• Don't take promises lightly. While you may dismiss small promises, others do not. Any breach of promise can lead to disappointment.

Be consistent. A key aspect of trustworthiness is consistency in your words and actions. A trustworthy person is someone you can rely on at all times.

• Remember, fulfilling your promises once or twice is not enough to build a solid foundation of trust in a relationship.

Always tell the truth when possible. While there are situations where honesty may not be the best option, most of the time, it remains the optimal choice.

• The most important time to tell the truth is when lying could benefit you. If you can be honest about your personal spending, it shows that the relationship matters to you. It demonstrates that they are more important to you than your own interests.
• For example, imagine borrowing a book from a friend and accidentally spilling coffee on it. You could tell your friend that you lost the book, or try to replace it with another one and act as if nothing happened. But you should really tell the truth. The damaged book is not the main issue, but if your friend finds out the truth later, the trust will be shaken.

Admit if you lie. Sometimes, you may not be able to tell the truth. Other times, you might lie without thinking. If you have lied to someone, the best course of action is to confess as soon as possible. Then, explain why you lied and offer a sincere apology.

• If you're caught, don't deny it, as this would only prolong the lie and further damage the trust.

Speak with honesty. When you feel the urge to lie, whether it's to protect someone's feelings or your own, redirect your attention to something else. Focus on the positive qualities of the person and emphasize those during your conversation.

• Concentrate on their good traits instead of highlighting the negative information you wish to convey.
• Present yourself as someone ready to listen. You can use phrases like "It seems to me" or "I believe this to be true" to emphasize your understanding of the situation. This shows that you can accept others’ views, which helps maintain trust in your relationship.
• For instance, if you need to tell a friend about a mistake they made, explain it neutrally, without judgment. Focus on their strengths, values, and how they can resolve the issue. Then, ask them questions and listen attentively. Avoid reassuring them that everything will be okay if it really isn't.
• A conversation could go like this: "Mai, I think you made a significant error in the report. I believe you’ve been under a lot of pressure with the new project. I know this mistake doesn't reflect your abilities, but I think we should notify the client immediately and send them an updated report."

Share your emotions. People who only communicate facts are often seen as distant and unapproachable, which does not promote trust.

• You may think that merely recounting the facts is easier. However, by withholding your emotions, others might perceive you as indifferent.

Freely share information. Whenever the chance arises, be open. Offering information on your own is a good practice as it shows you're not hiding anything. Here’s an example:

• In a new relationship, the other person might ask: "How was your day?" You could answer: "Everything is fine." However, that response won’t help build trust because you're not sharing anything substantial.
• Now, imagine the other person responds: “I went to the doctor. I feel okay, but the doctor suspects a heart murmur. They haven’t reached a conclusion yet, but they want me to come back for further tests next week. I’m unsure whether I should be worried." This shows openness and can build trust.
• In this situation, the other person might feel disappointed that they didn’t know you visited the doctor, even though you’re uncertain about the results. This omission might harm the intimacy in the relationship. You might have been anxious about the tests all week, but they don’t understand why you’re worried. They want to know if there’s anything they can do to help.

Don’t leave out important details. The reason you should never omit important details is that it becomes difficult to connect the dots in the information you share. People will notice inconsistencies in your story, and you risk losing credibility even if you leave out a small piece.

• If you want to build trust, you must tell people what they need or want to know.

If there are things you’re not ready to share, don’t hesitate to be straightforward about it. You shouldn't sacrifice your emotions or personal secrets just to build trust. Remember, everyone has the right to control their own personal information. The key to being trusted while maintaining privacy is to set clear boundaries.

• For instance, you could say to someone: "I’m not ready to share my feelings right now, but I assure you, there’s nothing to worry about." This gives the listener a chance to show they are understanding and patient. More importantly, it reassures them. This is a better option than saying vague or dishonest things about your private matters.

Keep others' secrets. Never reveal someone else's private matters if they don't want you to. This is a breach of trust.

• People tend to open up when they are under pressure, exhausted, or not thinking clearly. If this happens, apologize immediately and try to fix the situation. This way, the person won’t find out the truth from others. It’s also a way to minimize the damage caused by your actions.

Show loyalty. Loyalty is about being there to protect and stand by someone, both when they are present and, even more importantly, when they are not.

• Trust strengthens when someone feels your loyalty. You can build trust by putting their interests or the relationship above your own personal gain.
• For example, you can build trust with a coworker by staying late to help with a project, even if you don’t benefit from it.

Control your emotions. You can earn respect and admiration from others if you can manage your emotions. It’s difficult to trust someone who is unpredictable or overly volatile.

• A study by Fortune magazine with 500 executives found that those who manage and express their emotions appropriately are trusted more than those who cannot control their feelings.
• For example, try not to lose your temper when someone makes a small mistake, as this could erode their trust in you.
• If you feel you’re losing control of your emotions, recognize the signs. Try to reduce those signs by relaxing your fists, easing your jaw, and releasing muscle tension.
• Focusing on your breath can help regulate your emotions. Try to focus on the sensation of breathing without thinking about it or trying to change it. If you get distracted, gently redirect your thoughts back to your breath.
• If you learn to control your emotions, people will think they can predict your actions. They will see you as emotionally trustworthy and will continue to build their trust in you.

Avoid abusive behavior. Certain actions can severely damage trust:

• Insulting or belittling others
• Isolating oneself
• Threatening or physically harming others
• Always steer clear of abusive actions. If you make a mistake or mistreat someone, apologize immediately. Promise to change and keep that promise with sincerity.

Practice assertive communication. Instead of engaging in abusive behaviors or reacting angrily, try adopting an assertive communication style. This means expressing yourself clearly and emphasizing your personal needs while respecting the needs and opinions of others.

• Assertive communication involves saying "no" when necessary, and it also requires managing your emotions.
• It means sharing your feelings and opinions openly, without being dismissive or aggressive.
• For example, imagine your neighbor is playing loud music. A confrontational response would be to go to their house and shout, "Turn the music off, or I’ll call the police!" An assertive approach would be calmly knocking on the door and saying, "It’s late, and I need to sleep. Could you turn down the music, please?" This approach lets your neighbor know they are causing a disturbance without threatening or insulting them.

Commit to changing behavior when appropriate. If you deceive someone or lose their trust, promise to change your behavior moving forward and commit to that change. Remember that you must honor your promises to rebuild trust.

• Simply making a promise won't restore trust quickly.
• Apologizing alone won't help you build lasting trust.

• Deceiving yourself is still lying. You may try to convince yourself that you have told the truth or done the right thing. But an objective observer might think otherwise. Seeing reality the way you want to doesn’t justify your actions or words. If others perceive your words or actions as untrustworthy, you will lose their trust.
• Stop lying. Once you lie, you must remember your story, which means you have to lie again. If you continue lying, people will start to notice.
• If you're trying to build trust in business or handling sensitive information, consider maintaining confidentiality.

• Covert actions will destroy trust. If you act this way for any reason, ask yourself what you truly want to achieve by behaving this way. Also, ask yourself whether this is really the action you want to take. Chances are, it’s not. If you convince yourself that this is the only way to connect with others, it's time to work on your communication skills.
• In some situations, losing others' trust can lead to mental health issues, an inability to control anger, and various other problems. At this point, you should seek professional help from a specialist to address these concerns.