How to calm an individual with autism

Take a moment to calm yourself first. When you can maintain a calm demeanor, you help the autistic person feel more at ease.

• Keep a calm and understanding attitude. Show kindness as you would hope others would show you if you were going through a difficult time.
• Never yell, scold, or punish an autistic person for being distressed. They are not doing it intentionally, and being harsh will only worsen the situation. If you feel you cannot control yourself, it is better to step away than to escalate the situation further.

Ask what the issue is, if the person is willing to talk. Sometimes, they may be overwhelmed and need some quiet time. Other times, they might be dealing with difficult emotions related to something in their life (such as a bad grade or an argument with a friend).

• When emotionally overloaded, a person who would normally be able to speak may suddenly lose their ability to communicate. This is due to sensory overload, and it will pass when they have time to relax. If someone loses their ability to speak, you should only ask yes/no questions so they can respond by signaling with a hand gesture.

Guide them to a quiet place. Alternatively, encourage others to leave the room. You can explain that the sudden noise and movement are difficult for the individual with autism at that moment, and they will be happy to play outside at another time.

Ask if they want you to stay by their side. Sometimes, they may want you around to offer companionship and help them stay calm. At other times, they might prefer to be alone for a while. Regardless, don't take it personally.

• If they can't speak at the moment, let them answer with a hand gesture. Alternatively, you could ask "Do you want me to stay or leave?" and point to the floor and door, then let them point to where they'd like you to be.
• If a young child wants to be alone, you could sit quietly in a nearby room (e.g., playing on your phone or reading a book) to maintain the presence of an adult.

Assist them with difficult tasks. When stressed, they may not be able to think clearly and will struggle with simple tasks, like removing a tight sweater or getting a glass of water. Help them, but avoid invading their personal space.

• If they are pulling at their tight clothes, offer to help them remove it. (Don't attempt to remove their clothes without permission, as this may cause them to panic and become upset.)
• If they are trying to drink from a basin, get them a glass.

Ensure safety if they are throwing, flailing, or smashing objects. Remove any dangerous or fragile items from their sight. Place a pillow or folded jacket under their head for protection, or hold their head in your lap if it's safe.

• If they are throwing things, it might be helping them calm down. Try giving them something safe to throw (such as a pillow). Let them throw it, then reset it so they can throw it again. This may help soothe them.
• If you feel unsafe being near them, step away. Let them continue until they have calmed down and exhausted themselves.

Ask for help if you're unsure what to do. Parents, teachers, and caregivers are knowledgeable about how to assist. They will understand the specific needs of a person with autism.

• Generally, police officers are not trained to help individuals with autism during moments of distress and might unintentionally escalate the situation or harm your loved one. Instead, you should seek someone the autistic person knows and trusts.

Reduce sensory stimulation to help the person with autism under stress. People with autism often have sensory sensitivities; they hear, feel, and see everything more intensely than others. It's as if the intensity of everything is amplified.

• Turn off distracting devices like the TV or radio (unless the person with autism tells you they'd like them on).
• Try dimming the lights.
• Let them retreat to small spaces if they wish. For instance, if they want to hide in a closet or cupboard with their phone, let them. (Just make sure they can exit by themselves when they're ready.)

Only touch them if they agree. Keep them close, rub their shoulders, and show affection. You should make sure your touch is firm rather than gentle, as it helps them feel more secure. This can assist in calming them. If they express or show that they don't want to be touched, don't take it personally; it simply means they can't tolerate touch at the moment.

• You can open your arms for a hug and see if they come to you.
• If you hug them and they stiffen or pull away, let them go. They might not be able to handle the sensory input of a hug right now, or perhaps your clothing may be causing discomfort.

Try massaging the person with autism when they seek touch. Many individuals with autism have found massage therapy beneficial. Help them get into a comfortable position, gently press on their temples, massage their shoulders, back, or feet. Keep the movements light, gentle, and cautious.

• They may point to the exact areas they want you to touch, such as pointing to their back or asking for a facial massage.

Allow them to repeat an action safely, at their own level. Repetitive actions, which involve a series of repeated movements, are considered a self-soothing mechanism for people with autism. Examples of such actions include clapping, snapping fingers, and rocking. Repetitive behavior is an effective way for them to self-calm during emotional stress.

• If they engage in self-harm, consider redirecting them to a safer alternative (for example, tapping a cushion instead of hitting their head).
• Do not stop them, no matter what they're doing. Forcing a person with autism to stop when they don’t want to can be dangerous, especially if they’re in a fight-or-flight mode. Both of you may get hurt if the person tries to escape.

Offer to help soothe their body. If they are seated, stand behind them and wrap your arms around their chest. Tilt your head and place your chin on top of their head. You can hold them tightly and ask if they would like you to hold them tighter. This technique, known as “deep pressure,” can help them relax and feel better.

Ask if they would like you to guide them through a relaxation exercise. If their stress is emotional (not sensory), a relaxation exercise can help them calm enough to engage in conversation. If they agree, you can assist with one of the following exercises:

• Grounding exercise: Ask them to list 5 things they can see right now, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can hear, 2 things they can smell (or would like to smell), and 1 thing they like about themselves. Use your fingers to count these off.
• Breathing box: Ask them to breathe in for a count of 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, rest for 4, and repeat.

Listen and acknowledge their feelings if they wish to talk about their troubles. Sometimes, people simply want to vent and be heard. Let them speak if they want to discuss what's bothering them. Here are a few things you can say:

• “I’m here to listen if you want to talk.”
• “Take your time. I won’t go anywhere.”
• “I’m really sorry you're going through this.”
• “That sounds really tough.”
• “Of course you're upset. You're going through a really hard time. It's natural to feel stressed.”

Let them cry. Sometimes, people just need to “break down” and express their feelings.

• Try saying, “Crying is completely normal” or “Go ahead and cry. I’m always here for you.”

Provide the comfort they need. You can offer a comforting item, suggest playing their favorite song, show concern, or do something that will help the person with autism feel more at ease.

• What soothes them may vary depending on the situation. If they decline a hug and instead choose to listen to their favorite song and sway to it, don't take it personally. They know what they need at that moment.

• Even if they aren’t speaking, you can still talk to them. Offer reassurance and speak in a soothing voice. This can help them calm down.
• Verbal reassurance can help, but if it doesn’t, stop and sit in silence.
• Remove any demands or commands, as pressure often comes from overstimulation. That’s why a quiet room (when available) can be highly effective.
• Some children may want to be held or rocked when feeling down.
• If they are calm enough afterward, ask what caused their distress. Once you have that information, adjust the environment accordingly.

• Don’t reprimand someone for losing their composure. Even if the person generally knows that losing control in public is unacceptable, the anger will quickly escalate into stress and become uncontrollable.
• Loss of composure or a breakdown is never a tactic to seek attention. Don’t mistake it for simple anger. These moments are hard to manage and often leave the person with autism feeling ashamed or regretful.
• Never leave the person alone unless you’re in a safe and familiar environment.
• Never hit the person.
• Never shout at the person. Remember, they have autism, so this might be the only way they know how to express frustration.