How to Choose a Life Partner

Choosing a life partner – someone with whom you wish to spend the rest of your life – is one of the most significant decisions you’ll ever make. Living with the person you love for the majority of your life is a joyful and fulfilling experience for both parties, but finding and choosing the right person can be a monumental task. Fortunately, this is something that many people face, so you are not alone. In the United States, only 5% of the population has never married or doesn’t want to. It’s important to identify the type of person who suits you, be determined to find them, and commit to the relationship. You can certainly share your entire life with the person you love.

Decide whether you want children. This decision is extremely important – perhaps the most important decision you will make with your life partner. Surprisingly, many couples don’t discuss this issue thoroughly before trying to commit to a lifelong relationship. Raising a child can be one of the most joyful experiences, but it also comes with immense responsibility, a solid financial commitment, and at least 18 years (or more) of direct responsibility for the child. Therefore, this is not something to be taken lightly.

• In the U.S., most people do want to have children, but that doesn’t mean the entire world feels the same way, so never assume the decision of your partner until you’re certain.

Decide how important culture and religion are to you. For many people, culture and religion play an essential role in their lives, while others follow agnosticism, atheism, or belong to non-traditional cultural or religious backgrounds. Both lifestyles are equally valid, but for some people, being with someone who holds opposing views might not be a long-term viable choice. Before committing to someone, it's crucial to understand whether your partner values having shared cultural and religious beliefs.

• Clearly, individuals from different religious and cultural backgrounds can still have a happy relationship. For example, in the U.S., interracial couples are more common than ever.

Decide how you want to manage your finances. Money can be a sensitive topic, but it plays a significant role in any shared life. Finances can impact a couple’s lifestyle – determining how long each person works, their careers, lifestyle choices, and more. Honest discussions about saving and spending plans are crucial for anyone considering a long-term relationship.

• Consider the financial decisions couples will face: for example, one partner wants to travel and explore the world in their late 20s and early 30s, while the other wishes to focus on building a successful career and saving for a house. In this case, it would be challenging for both to achieve their individual goals.

Decide how you want your partner to integrate with your family (and vice versa). Our families shape the way we think and behave throughout our lives. Having a clear understanding of how you want your partner to integrate with your family is essential for anyone considering a lifelong commitment. You’ll want to know both your role and your partner’s role in your extended family (e.g., parents, siblings, relatives, etc.). Similarly, your partner should have a clear sense of your role within their family.

• For example, couples with children need one parent to stay home with the child all day, while other couples may find hiring help acceptable. Similarly, some people might want to live with their parents and visit often, while others prefer more independence.

Decide what kind of lifestyle you want to have. This is an important decision, but luckily, your partner will quickly define their lifestyle once you start spending significant time together. You and your partner should align on how to spend your free time, how to socialize with friends, and engage in activities that bring you comfort. You don’t need to like everything the same as your partner, but you should avoid major disagreements in areas that require consensus or commitment.

• For instance, a couple where one partner enjoys watching professional wrestling on Monday nights while the other prefers watching nature documentaries at the same time could find a solution (especially if they agree to buy a DVR). However, if one partner wants to buy a house and the other doesn’t, or one is more adventurous and the other is not, this could pose a significant obstacle to long-term happiness.

Decide where you want to live. Sometimes, location is key to a couple’s happiness. People often want to live near close friends or family or in places that allow them to engage in certain activities. If both partners are unhappy living in the same place, they may end up spending a lot of time commuting instead.

Understanding Yourself First. The journey of finding your life partner begins with understanding yourself! To determine who would be the best match, you need to know exactly who you are. What do you like and dislike? What are your strengths and weaknesses? What kind of life do you want to have, and what do you expect from your partner? Be realistic and honest with yourself. If you're having difficulty understanding who you are, consider asking close friends for insights.

• The most important thing: love yourself, your flaws and everything you are. You can't expect someone else to love you if you can't love yourself. If you're trying to build a lifelong relationship while viewing yourself negatively, you will only end up damaging yourself and hurting those close to you. This is something to prioritize before seeking out a partner.

Define Your Life Goals. Partners who live together must go in the same direction when it comes to key life decisions (if not all of them). Disagreements on major issues or irreconcilable differences can derail a relationship, even if the two people seem perfectly in sync at the moment. Be open and genuine about your life goals — deceiving yourself could lead to long-term disappointment and is unfair to your partner. To dive deeper into this topic, refer to the section on Priorities below. Here are a few essential questions to consider before choosing a partner:

• Do I want to have children?
• Where do I want to live?
• Do I want to work or stay home (or both)?
• Do I want my relationship to be monogamous?
• What do I want to achieve before I die?
• What kind of lifestyle do I want?

Learn from Past Relationships. If you're unsure about what you're looking for in a life partner or what you want from life, reflect on your previous relationships. The choices you've made, whether consciously or subconsciously, can provide clues about the qualities you seek in a partner, and even highlight the qualities you need to work on to maintain a long-lasting relationship. Here are some important questions to consider about your past relationships:

• What did you like about your partner?
• What activities did you most enjoy doing together?
• What disagreements did you have?
• What did you criticize about your partner?
• What did your partner criticize about you?
• Why did the relationship end?

Ask Many Questions in the Early Stages of a Relationship. When you meet someone new and start dating, get to know them better. Ask them what they seek in a partner, their life goals, and long-term plans. Ethnicity, hobbies, spiritual views, and even dietary preferences can greatly impact long-term compatibility, so don’t hesitate to ask about any of these!

• You'll need to ask many questions about lifestyle choices. For instance, do they smoke, drink alcohol, or use drugs? Do they have any serious bad habits? Are they willing to support and understand you if you want to change careers or grow professionally?
• Be clear: these kinds of questions do not need to be asked right at the first date. Prying into private matters too soon could potentially harm the early stages of your relationship. However, questions about lifestyle choices should ideally be addressed within the first six months of dating.

Let go of all expectations. When you're trying to maintain a relationship, don't expect the other person to become someone they're not. While some individuals might make compromises in various key areas or even change themselves slightly for their partner, deep down, most people remain true to themselves. Avoid illusions about your partner or imposing qualities they don't possess. Similarly, don’t expect them to change inherent qualities that were likely part of what attracted you to them in the first place.

• For example, it might be ACCEPTABLE if you ask your partner (in a respectful manner) to take out the trash — this is an appropriate situation for compromise. However, it would NOT BE OK to expect your partner to suddenly decide to have children if they are not yet ready — this is a deeply personal decision that cannot be rushed or handled imprudently.

Be honest about your true self. Just as you shouldn't try to hide or alter any inherent qualities of your partner, you should treat yourself the same way. When dating, it's common to exaggerate aspects of your past or current situation to attract someone, but that only leads to guilt and could create significant obstacles. If the truth comes out later, the trust in the relationship could suffer greatly.

• For example, it might be ACCEPTABLE to dress better than usual for a few early dates, but pretending to be someone who adheres to a philosophy of not knowing when in reality you follow a particular religion just to please your date is misleading. Misrepresenting yourself — whether by lying or omitting crucial information — is an act of deception that many people find difficult to forgive.

Spend more time with your potential partner. This is the best way to assess whether you should continue spending time with someone. Try to experience it To determine whether a relationship can last long-term, you need to spend significant time together (preferably in various situations). If you can tolerate being with someone for days, weeks, or even months, you've likely found the right person to keep in your life.

• You may also want to observe whether your partner can get along with your loved ones (and vice versa). Take them to social gatherings and introduce them to your friends and family. If they can mesh well with your circle, you'll have one more reason not to worry.

Be patient and invest more time. You're looking for someone who will be by your side for the rest of your life, so there’s no need to rush. Allow your relationship the opportunity to mature naturally over time. Don't rely on rigid plans or milestones like quick progress, continuing to stay together, and marriage. Rushing to make decisions might lead you into a situation you aren't prepared for, especially when you're with someone who may or may not share your life priorities.

• You definitely don't want to get too involved with someone who could potentially become your life partner until you truly understand them. While it's possible for a normal relationship to evolve into a serious one, physical intimacy shouldn't be the foundation for long-lasting happiness. Although attraction and sexual harmony are key to a successful long-term relationship, waiting gives you the time to better understand whether you and your partner are truly compatible.

Pay attention to your behavior when you're with your partner. If you notice that you're acting or pretending to show emotions that aren't authentic, or laughing at things that don't seem funny, it could be a sign that you're not truly comfortable around them. On the other hand, if you feel relaxed and completely natural in their presence, you've likely found the right person. Feeling like yourself when you're with your partner is crucial. In the end, everyone gets tired of pretending — you wouldn't want that to happen after five years of marriage.

Be ready to make sacrifices. No relationship is perfect. There will be times when you feel the need to put your partner’s needs before your own. It all depends on how willing you are to make sacrifices — most great relationships involve mutual give-and-take.

• When it's time to make a sacrifice for the sake of the relationship, small things like personal habits should be the first things you let go. However, you shouldn't sacrifice major life goals, because significant disagreements over one of these goals could indicate you're not truly compatible. For example, reducing the time you spend socializing with friends may be a reasonable sacrifice if you have a spouse and children. On the other hand, choosing not to have children when you desperately want them is not a sacrifice you should make.

Always be proactive. There is someone out there for you — all you need to do is go find them. If you don’t make an effort to meet new people, try new experiences, or even move to a new place, it's hard to create any opportunities to find the right person. So if you're looking for a partner, start by getting out there! Try to spend at least a portion of your free time attending interesting community events, meeting new people, and generally stepping out of your comfort zone.

• Most dating experts will recommend being proactive in dating. Some even rank it on par with your career, as it requires time and effort!

Meet people who enjoy the same activities you do. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to spend every Friday night in a noisy, expensive club to meet someone compatible, nor do you need to dress in a glamorous, Hollywood-style outfit with a free-spirited personality. These approaches might work for some people, but most can successfully meet a potential partner simply by engaging in activities they enjoy. When you participate in hobbies you love, you're likely to meet people who share your interests and perspectives, which naturally leads to compatibility.

• Even solitary hobbies can provide many opportunities to meet new people! Enjoy reading comics or gaming? Join a club! Love drawing? Host an art exhibition! Passionate about writing? Attend a writers’ workshop! There are countless fun activities for every interest, so start looking now!

Be yourself. You're looking for someone to share your life with, so it's completely reasonable that, if both of you see each other as potential life partners, you should be open and authentic with one another. In reality, many people aren't fully ready to be open until they've truly understood their partner. If you disagree with this, try being your true self at different stages of the relationship: invite them out, date, get to know each other better, make commitments, and go even further! This way, you give your partner the opportunity to love the real you, not just wait until you're comfortable being yourself.

Don't be afraid. The journey of finding a partner can often feel tough. There may be times when you feel like there's no hope of finding someone right for you, especially after experiencing difficulties in relationships. No matter what, never lose hope or fear that you won't meet anyone. Everyone in the world faces similar challenges in relationships, much like what you're going through. Everyone has their own moments of sadness. There's no perfect way to find your life partner, so never compare yourself to others or other couples. Don't let negative thoughts steer you off course in your quest to find someone special! Confidence, fearlessness, and persistence are the keys to finding the right person for you!

• Moreover, confidence is seen as an attractive trait! Being confident and unafraid is a standout quality that helps you attract potential partners: the more confident you are on dates, the more comfortable you'll feel around them, the more enjoyable the time spent together will be, and the more confident you’ll become for future dates ahead.

• Discover what you like, what you don’t, your priorities, and your core values. Your partner might not share all your views exactly, but they should at least respect and accept them.
• The key to a successful relationship is quite simple – humor and sincerity. Without these, you have nothing.
• Never allow anyone to mistreat you, whether through words or actions... that's unacceptable behavior, and you should distance yourself from it as quickly as possible.