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Here are some comforting phrases to share in person, over the phone, or through text messages.
If someone you care about is feeling low, it can leave you unsure of how to help. You might feel like you need to say the perfect thing to lift their spirits, but what is it? With some guidance, comforting others can be easier than you think. That’s why we’ve put together a practical guide for offering support to someone who’s feeling down. Plus, we’ve consulted with psychologists Tracy Carver and Leslie Bosch for their expert advice on how to care for those around you, both during tough times and happier moments. Let’s dive in.
What’s the best way to comfort someone?
- Be there for them, offering to listen without pressure to speak.
- Let them know their feelings are valid and understood.
- Show them love, empathy, and care.
- Offer a hug if they seem to want one.
- Ask how you can be helpful or what they need.
- Reach out with a text to continue offering support.
How to Help: Steps to Comfort
Supporting Someone Who Is Feeling Down
Show sympathy and check in on their feelings. If you're aware of the situation, it might be tempting to avoid talking about it in an attempt to spare them further distress. However, they're likely already thinking about it, and addressing it directly can demonstrate that you care and are willing to face the issue with them. This straightforward approach can often bring comfort.
- Let them know you're sorry for what they’re going through, and ask how they’re doing. Just acknowledging their pain and expressing concern can show you genuinely want to help and offer support.
- For example, say something like, “I’m really sorry you're going through this. How are you holding up?”
- Or, if you know more about the situation, you might say, “I heard about your father’s passing. That must be incredibly difficult. Would you like to talk about it?”
Listen carefully and show understanding. People often experience a mix of emotions during tough times, and giving them the space to express those feelings can be incredibly comforting. It’s possible that their emotions are too complicated or overwhelming to discuss right away, so simply being there quietly can offer support.
- For example, if they lost a parent after a long illness, they may feel sadness, relief that the suffering is over, and guilt for feeling relieved.
- When they’re ready to share, be an attentive listener by staying focused and resisting the urge to compare their experience to your own.
- Reflect back what you hear to show understanding, such as, “It sounds like you’re upset because your friend wasn’t there when you needed them.”
- Keep your focus on them and avoid distractions. Absorb what they’re saying instead of thinking about your next response.
- Make eye contact, nod, or show empathy through a concerned expression. Keep your body language open by avoiding crossing your arms or legs.
Affirm their emotions. Let them know that you understand what they’re feeling and why. Going through difficult times, grieving, or dealing with depression is a personal journey, and there's no right or wrong way to handle it. Show them that they can talk to you without fear of judgment, and simply listen to help them work through their sadness.
- Avoid rushing to turn the conversation positive. While it may be tempting to encourage them to look at the brighter side, it might make them feel as if their emotions are being minimized.
- Try not to say things like, “Everything happens for a reason” or “Time heals all wounds,” as these may seem dismissive of their pain.
- Instead, say things like, “It’s okay to feel bad. You’re going through a really tough time,” or “I can't truly understand what you’re feeling, but I’m here for you.”
- Reader Poll: We asked 1688 Mytour readers, and 62% agreed that the best way to respond when someone confides in you is by showing empathy and offering support. [Take Poll]
Offer physical comfort, such as holding their hand or asking for a hug. Sometimes, a simple gesture like holding their hand or offering a hug can make a big difference. If you’re comfortable with it, offering physical contact can help reduce stress, anxiety, and depression. Physical touch is proven to promote emotional and physical well-being.
- Be sure to ask first if you’re unsure, to make sure it’s okay to offer a hug. Check if it’s alright.
- Remember, some people may not want physical contact, especially if they’ve experienced trauma.
- For example, you could say, “I’d like to give you a hug, if that’s okay,” or “Would you like me to hold your hand?”
Let them know you care about them and are worried for their well-being. Telling someone you love them and are concerned for them, especially if they’re feeling down, can provide much-needed comfort. Those experiencing depression often feel isolated, and expressing your affection reminds them they aren’t alone, that there’s someone who genuinely cares about them.
- If you’re unsure of what to say or do, it’s okay to admit it. Sometimes, simply acknowledging that you don’t have all the answers, but you're there for them, is more than enough.
- You might say, “I’m really sorry you're going through this. I don’t have the perfect words, but please know I’m here for you whenever you need me.”
Offer your assistance and inquire how you can be of help. Bosch suggests showing kindness through specific offers. Rather than a vague “How can I help?”, ask directly with something like, “Would you like me to come over and keep you company?” or “How about a walk tomorrow afternoon?” Giving them practical options makes it easier for them to accept your help without feeling pressured to come up with something on the spot.
- For instance, you could offer, “I’d love to assist you. I can drive you somewhere or bring you some food. Just let me know what would help most.”
- You can also offer assistance with challenging tasks, like helping them handle official matters, such as acquiring a death certificate.
- Sometimes simply planning out the next steps together can help lift their spirits. If they’re ready, encourage them to talk about what they want to do next.
- Be genuine in your offers of support and follow through. For example, if you say, “Call me anytime to talk,” ensure you’re actually available to take the call when they reach out.
EXPERT TIP
Leslie Bosch, PhD
Developmental Psychologist
Developmental Psychologist
Simply being present can make a significant impact in supporting someone. In society, there’s often little understanding for those who are grieving. People are generally expected to move forward quickly, suppress their emotions, and be strong. However, showing that you share in their sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, or regret can offer comfort during such difficult times.
If they’ve lost a loved one, reminisce about the deceased with them. After someone experiences loss, others may avoid mentioning the person who passed away, but for those grieving, reflecting on their loved one can be healing. Sharing memories keeps the memory of the deceased alive, which can be very comforting.
- If you didn’t know the deceased, encourage your friend to recall memories with you. For instance, say, “I’m sorry I never had the chance to meet your grandmother. What was she like?” or “You’ve shared so many stories about your cousin. What was that one about the pie stealing?”
- Try to focus on lighter, more positive memories to help lift their spirits and remind them of the good times.
Only offer advice when they request it. Grieving and dealing with sadness is a deeply personal experience. Even the best-intentioned unsolicited advice can sometimes feel dismissive or unhelpful. The most valuable thing you can offer is simply your presence and your willingness to listen when they’re ready to talk.
- It’s fine to give advice if they directly ask for it, but ensure that you’re honest and empathetic in your response.
- If you’re asked for your perspective or help, take a moment to think carefully about the advice you give. Avoid offering a quick solution and instead provide a thoughtful and considerate response.
Keep checking in to show your continued care. Many people struggle to reach out when they’re in emotional distress. Therefore, it’s important to proactively check in with them, whether by visiting, texting, or sending a card. Being available can make a significant difference to someone who’s struggling.
- Grief can persist for months, even after the initial shock has passed. Reaching out on special occasions like holidays, birthdays, or anniversaries, can be particularly meaningful as they may bring up memories of the loss.
Recommend seeing a counselor if they need additional support. If your friend is facing significant emotional challenges, you might gently suggest the idea of seeking professional help. However, if they’re hesitant, don’t push the issue. As Carver explains, “If they’re resistant, it’s likely they’re not ready for therapy, and pushing the idea may be counterproductive.”
- While some may view counseling as a sign of weakness, it can provide them with tools to better understand and cope with their emotions, which friends may not be equipped to offer, as Carver notes.
How to Comfort Someone Who Is Feeling Down
Use affirming language and open-ended questions. It can be challenging to find the right words when a loved one is upset. The key is to use words and expressions that assure them you’re there for them without judgment, regardless of what they share. Open-ended questions can be a great tool to help them express themselves—questions that can’t be answered simply and encourage deeper reflection on their feelings.
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Supportive phrases:
- “I understand.”
- “I’m here if you need to talk.”
- “It’s okay to feel this way.”
- “I’ll be with you through this.”
- “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”
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Open-ended questions:
- “How are you holding up today?”
- “What’s on your mind right now?”
- “What do you feel would help you most right now?”
- “How would you like things to be different?”
- “How’s your rest been?”
Offer emotional support by phone if you can’t be there in person. While it may be difficult to comfort someone over the phone without being physically present, it’s important to remember that just hearing your voice can be a source of solace. A simple call can provide them with the reassurance they need. Here are some phrases to consider when offering support from a distance:
- “I can’t fully grasp how much pain you’re in, but I’m here for you—no matter what, even if that means sitting in silence with you on the phone.”
- “I don’t have the answers, but I’m always available to listen whenever you need me.”
- “I wish I could be there to hold you, but please know that I love you and will support you in any way I can.”
- “We don’t have to discuss what’s bothering you, but I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
Send messages to offer support while respecting their space. Reaching out can be challenging for someone who’s feeling sad or overwhelmed, so sending a text can provide a gentle way to show you care. A text message offers the opportunity for them to engage when they feel ready, while still feeling supported. Below are a few thoughtful messages you can send:
- “I’m always just a message away if you need me.”
- “I’m truly grateful to have someone like you in my life.”
- “I just want you to know that I care deeply about you.”
- “Would you like me to give you a call or stop by?”
Things to Avoid Saying to Someone Who Is Feeling Sad
Avoid offering well-intentioned but ineffective clichés or trite sayings. When comforting someone who is grieving, it can be tempting to say phrases like “You’ll feel better soon” or “Time heals everything” when you’re unsure of what else to say. These expressions may come from a place of kindness, but they often don’t provide genuine comfort as they overlook the depth of the person’s pain. In fact, such phrases can sometimes cause more harm. Here are a few expressions to steer clear of, along with alternatives to say instead:
- Instead of “Everything happens for a reason,” try saying, “I don’t have the answers, but I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- Instead of “They’re in a better place now,” say, “I hope the love they experienced in life offers you some comfort.”
- Instead of “You have so much to be grateful for,” offer, “I can’t imagine what you’re feeling. Would you like to go for a walk or just have someone sit with you?”
- Instead of “They wouldn’t want you to feel sad,” say, “There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Take the time you need to process your emotions.”
- Instead of “You’re so brave,” say, “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling, and I’m here for you if you need to cry, laugh, or even scream.”
Quick Guide for Difficult Conversations
How to Approach Someone Who’s Feeling Down
Things to Avoid Saying to Someone Who’s Grieving or Sad
