How to Comfort Someone

When a friend is going through a tough time, being there for them without adding to their distress is essential. This guide will show you how to care, listen, keep them occupied, and help them overcome the sadness.

Give them space. Allow your friend time to heal and move past their pain. Depending on the situation, sometimes they may need someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean on, but other times they may prefer solitude to reflect. Don’t rush them if they need time alone.

• After a while, gently approach them. You don’t have to say things like: 'I’m really sorry about what happened, I’m shocked,' but simply saying: 'I truly feel for you and I’m here for you,' will suffice.
• Don’t pressure them. Just let them know you are always available to listen and support when needed.

Start with the little things. If your friend is not one to open up easily, begin with small gestures to help them feel comfortable. No need for grand displays; simple actions can help make someone feel better.

• Before attempting to discuss or delve into their issues, consider giving them a card, a bouquet of flowers, or small gifts like a six-pack of beer or a music CD. These small gestures show you are willing to listen and share in their sorrow.
• You could also offer them a soda, a handkerchief, or find them a comfortable seat to help lift their spirits.

Reach out to them. When someone is upset, they often won't seek help on their own, especially after a major shock. If it's something deeply painful, like breaking up with a partner or losing a loved one, reaching out can be very difficult for them. Be patient and creative in finding ways to initiate contact.

• Send a text if they aren't answering their phone. Replying to a brief message without having to pretend to be okay can feel easier.
• Even if the issue isn't serious—like a scraped knee or their favorite sports team losing—they may still isolate themselves and ignore others. Always be attentive to them during these times.

Be there for your friend. Sometimes, you don't need to say anything—just sitting next to them is enough. Simply being there can help them feel better. Enduring their pain alone only deepens their suffering. Let your friend know you're there, willing to talk if they want to, and that's all.

• A simple comforting gesture can be more powerful than a thousand words. Gently pat their back, give them a soft hug, or hold their hand to provide comfort.

Encourage them to talk. Ask short, open-ended questions to prompt your friend to open up. If you know what's troubling them, you can ask specific questions. If not, try asking: "Are you going through something?" or "Is something bothering you?"

• Don't force it. Sometimes, just being quietly present is enough to create space for them to share. If they don’t want to talk, don’t push.
• If they aren’t ready to talk, try again after a few days by inviting them out for lunch and asking, "How have you been lately?" They might be more open to sharing then.

Just listen. If the person begins to open up, remain silent and focus on listening. Don’t say anything or interrupt with your own story to show empathy. Sit still, look at them, and truly listen to their words. When someone is upset, this is the most valuable thing they need.

• Make eye contact. Show empathy through your eyes, put your phone away, turn off the TV, and ignore everything else in the room—just focus on them and listen.
• Listen attentively and nod to show you’re engaged, while also using gestures like sighing when something sad is shared or smiling when they mention something happy—most importantly, listen.

Summarize and acknowledge what they’ve said. If your friend starts slowing down, keep the conversation flowing by summarizing what they’ve shared in your own words. For many, hearing their story reflected back helps them feel better. If they’re upset about a breakup, you might say, "It sounds like from the start, they weren’t serious about you." Fill in the silences to help them keep talking and feel more at ease.

• This technique can also help if you’re not fully understanding what they’re saying. For instance, you could say, "So you’re mad at your sister for taking your astronomy book without asking, right?".
• Avoid belittling their issues, even if you think it’s trivial. They may be hurt more than you realize.
• Don’t pretend to understand what they’re going through if you’ve never experienced it yourself.

Don’t try to solve the problem. Many people, especially men, make the mistake of thinking that when someone shares their problems, it means they’re asking for help. Unless specifically asked, such as, "What do you think I should do?", don’t offer advice. Heartache isn’t something that can be easily fixed, so don’t expect to find a perfect solution. All you need to do is listen and be there for your friend.

• This is especially true if the person is at fault. You don’t need to point out that they wouldn’t be upset about failing the exam if they hadn’t spent so much time playing video games instead of studying.
• If you do feel the urge to offer advice, pause and ask them: "Do you want advice, or would you rather I just listen?" Respect their wishes.

Talk about something else. Once the conversation has gone on long enough, gently steer the discussion in a different direction, especially if you notice that your friend has shared everything or the conversation is starting to repeat itself. Help them shift to a more optimistic outlook or talk about other plans to help them move forward.

• Discuss what you plan to do next after the chat. Gradually shift the conversation to another topic. For example, if you’re sitting outside a classroom and your friend is talking about a breakup, you could say, "So, are you hungry? What do you feel like eating for lunch?"
• Every conversation eventually reaches a conclusion, so don’t let your friend dwell on a topic endlessly if it’s not helping them. Encourage them to focus on other things instead.

Engage in activities to distract them. Get your friend involved in something to keep them from sitting around, brooding. What you do doesn't matter as long as it keeps them busy and gives them something to focus on.

• If you're sitting somewhere, try standing up and taking a walk. Stroll around the shopping center, window-shop, or walk around the neighborhood to get some fresh air.
• Do something fun, but don't overindulge. Feeling down is not an excuse to turn to substances like drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes. Stay level-headed when helping your friend feel better.

Engage in physical activities. Exercise helps release endorphins in the brain, making you calmer and more positive. If you can get your friend to join in, it's a great and healthy way to lift their spirits.

• Try some gentle exercises, like stretching exercises or yoga.
• If you want something more fun, consider playing a sport, cycling, or just going for a walk.
• If your friend is really angry or frustrated, encourage more intense physical activity, like hitting the gym or lifting weights to release all that negative energy.

Engage in light and enjoyable activities. If your friend keeps dwelling on negative thoughts, steer them toward something more positive. You could go shopping together or take a swim and grab ice cream afterward. You could also pick out a favorite movie, make some popcorn, binge-watch, and chat about your crushes. Anything that is light-hearted and fun will help take their mind off the sadness.

• Watch a comedy or a play to distract them from their negative thinking.

Get them to eat something. Offer your friend something special when they're feeling down. Go out for ice cream or visit a favorite restaurant. Sometimes when we're feeling low, we lose our appetite, which can lower blood sugar and make everything feel worse. Eating something might just help them feel better.

• You can also cook for them when they're feeling down. Prepare a pot of soup to share, so at least they don't have to worry about what to eat today.

Encourage them to cancel unimportant plans. After going through something tough, pushing yourself to go to work or attend long, tiring classes might not be the best idea. Taking a day off to clear your head might be more beneficial than sticking to the usual routine.

• Sometimes, diving into work is a good distraction; familiar tasks might help them forget their worries. The decision is theirs, but remind your friend that they at least have the option to choose.

• If they are considering suicide or self-harm, encourage them to reach out to a suicide prevention hotline for assistance.