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There may have been times when you've seen friends or colleagues crying or feeling down. Perhaps you want to help but don't know where to start. When comforting someone who is crying, the most important thing is to show that you care about them. Offer help within your abilities and try to meet their needs. Ask questions to ensure that they feel safe or if they need anything. In general, spend time with them, allowing them to express their emotions. However, don't force them to talk if they are not ready.
Steps to Take
Willingness to Help
Be There for Them. Often, there is very little you can say or do that will truly make a difference to someone who is crying. Words can be clumsy forms of comfort. In many cases, what matters most is your presence. Your being there for them during a difficult time is the greatest gift. Make an effort to spend time with them.
- Stay with the person who is crying and let them know that you are there for them and supporting them. You don't need to say much, just being present is enough, especially when they feel like no one is there for them.
Ensure They Feel Safe. People are often hesitant to cry in front of others because society tends to view crying as a sign of weakness. If the person starts crying in a public place, you should move them to a more private location. This will help them feel less embarrassed. You can take them to a restroom, car, or an empty room. When in private, they will feel safer and more able to process their emotions.
- If the person seems uncomfortable, you can ask, "Would you like to go somewhere more private?" You can take them to the restroom, car, private room—anywhere that isn’t crowded with people.
- If you are younger (in high school or college), don’t take them to places where you might not be allowed, like an empty classroom when there are no classes. Make sure there’s a way out. Don’t get into trouble!
Offer Tissues to the Person Who is Crying. If you have tissues or know where to get them, offer them to the person. When someone cries, tears and mucus can flow freely, and giving them tissues shows that you are ready to assist. If tissues are not nearby, you can offer to find some for them.
- You might say, "Would you like me to go get some tissues for you?"
- Sometimes offering tissues might be perceived as trying to stop them from crying immediately. Be cautious in your actions, especially when the person is emotionally overwhelmed or grieving a loss or breakup.
Address Their Needs
Let Them Cry. You won’t be helping by telling someone to stop crying or saying that their tears are unworthy. Crying helps people feel better. Releasing emotions is healthier than bottling them up, as suppressed emotions can lead to mental health issues like depression. If you see someone crying, let them cry. Never say things like, "Don’t cry" or "It’s no big deal, why are you crying?" They are sharing a vulnerable moment with you, so let them express what they need to express without telling them how to feel.
- You may feel awkward when you’re with someone who is crying. Remember, your role is to offer support in a way that works for them, and the focus should be on their needs, not yours.
Ask What They Need. They may want you to stay and listen, or they might want to be left alone. Don’t assume you know what they want because, in reality, you don’t. Asking them what they need gives them control, and it gives you the opportunity to listen and respond. If they ask for something or make a request, respect their wishes.
- You can ask, "Is there anything I can do to help?" or "Do you need me to do anything?"
- If they ask you to leave, respect their wishes. Don’t insist by saying, "But you need me to help!" Simply say, "Alright, but let me know if you need anything, just text or call me!" Sometimes people just need space.
Give Them Time. Don’t feel like you need to immediately do something. Simply being present and spending time with them is already a way to help. If you want to make someone feel better, give them the time they need. Your presence alone can be comforting, so try to stay close by and ensure that they get through this moment or receive support when it’s most needed.
- Don’t just stop for a few seconds and then continue on with your tasks. Stay with them and let them know that you’ll be there if they need you. Even if you have other things to do, spending a few extra minutes won’t hurt.
Comfort Them. If your friend enjoys hugging, give them a hug. But if they are more reserved about physical contact, you can gently pat their back or avoid touching them. If you're helping a stranger, it’s best to ask first. If in doubt, ask if they would like a hug or if you can hold their hand. If they prefer not to have physical contact, don’t touch them.
- You can ask, "Is it okay if I hug you?" Close friends or family may be more open to physical contact than strangers, so make sure you don’t make them uncomfortable.
Talk About Their Experience
Don’t Make Them Feel Pressured to Speak. The person may be in shock or simply not want to talk. If they seem reluctant to open up, don’t push them. They may not be ready to share their troubles, especially with someone they’re not close to. If you’re unsure of what comforting words to say, don’t feel the need to say something profound. Simply being there and expressing (or implying) that "I’m here to help you" is enough.
- You might be comforting someone who has never told you what’s bothering them. That’s okay.
- You might only need to say, "You may feel better if you talk about what happened. I’m here if you want to talk."
- Don’t judge or act in a way that could make them more hesitant to open up to you.
Listen Compassionately. Use active listening skills and be ready to give them your full attention. If you ask them what’s wrong and they don’t respond, don’t keep asking. Accept whatever they say and focus on listening to help them. Give them your undivided attention, focusing on both the content of what they say and the way they say it.
- Enhance your listening effectiveness through eye contact and non-judgmental responses.
Focus on the other person. You might think saying, “I’ve been through something similar” would help create a connection, but in reality, it shifts the focus to you instead of them. Even worse, it can seem like you’re invalidating their feelings. Keep the conversation centered on them. If they want to share what made them cry, let them speak without interrupting.
- While you may genuinely want to connect or share your own experience, try to resist the urge to do so unless they ask. Your role is to offer support and comfort, not to make it about your own story.
Don’t rush to offer solutions. If the person is crying and upset about something, avoid trying to fix the problem for them. At this moment, what matters more is speaking less and listening more. They may not even share what happened, and that’s okay. Your role isn’t to solve the issue.
- Crying isn’t about problem-solving but rather an emotional release. Let them express themselves without interruption.
- Even you might find it hard to hold back tears. Remember, crying isn’t a sign of weakness.
Encourage them to seek help from a therapist if they need further assistance. If the person is struggling emotionally over a prolonged period, they may need a therapist. Their issues may be too large for you to handle, or you may simply feel that a professional could help more effectively. Approach this suggestion gently, but let them know that it's a good idea.
- For example, you might say, “It sounds like you’re going through a tough time. Have you considered talking to a therapist?”
