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Professional tips on connecting with your son’s former partner
Breakups are emotionally taxing, not only for the couple involved but also for their families. If you’ve built a relationship with your son’s ex-girlfriend, her departure might feel like losing someone close. While it’s natural to want to reach out and share your feelings, it’s crucial to approach the conversation thoughtfully. We’ll guide you through the process with expert advice from Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Jacob Christenson.
Bidding Farewell to Your Son’s Former Girlfriend
When contacting your son’s ex, maintain a positive tone. Express that you’ll miss her, appreciate the time you spent together, and wish her well. Steer clear of discussing the breakup specifics or implying your son erred in ending the relationship, as these topics could cause her additional pain.
Guidelines
Check with your son before contacting his ex-girlfriend.
Explain that you valued his ex and wish to connect. If the breakup was peaceful, your son might be comfortable with it. However, “If it causes your child significant distress or the breakup was particularly harsh, it might not be appropriate [to reach out],” advises Christenson. Allow your son time to consider your request and honor his decision, even if he prefers you not to contact her.
- Refrain from pressuring your son to allow communication with his ex. You may not be aware of all the breakup details, and contact from his family could be challenging for her.
- Understand that your son may need time to recover. If he initially declines, wait a few months and gently revisit the topic once he’s had time to process.
Limit your communication to one concise message.
Avoid repeatedly contacting your son’s ex. Depending on the breakup circumstances, staying in touch might create discomfort for both your son and his ex, notes Christenson. It could also lead to over-involvement in their situation or even tempt you to push for reconciliation. While you may miss her, keep your interaction to a single, supportive message.
- Keep in mind that staying in contact with her won’t necessarily lead to a reunion. They need time and space to figure out their own paths.
- In some cases, maintaining a friendship with your son’s ex might be appropriate, especially if they parted on good terms and remain friends. Christenson suggests following your son’s lead in such situations.
Reach out with a casual text to keep things simple.
A text message is ideal if a card or phone call feels too formal. If you had a close relationship with your son’s ex and frequently exchanged texts, sending her a brief message to express your well-wishes is appropriate. If the breakup was amicable and your son is okay with it, you can even offer to be there for her if she needs someone to talk to. “If the separation was mutual and smooth, maintaining a friendship is likely fine,” says Christenson.
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How would you approach contacting your son's former girlfriend?
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Start QuizExplore More QuizzesCall her if you prefer a verbal conversation.
This is a suitable choice if you’d rather speak directly. Choose a time when both of you are free, and call her to express your care. While it might be challenging, try to stay composed and avoid suggesting you hope they reconcile—this could add to her distress. Instead, simply convey your well-wishes and appreciation for having known her.
- If she doesn’t answer after a few attempts, respect that she may not be ready to talk. Breakups affect everyone differently, and she might need time alone.
Opt for sending a card if you prefer a less direct approach.
Express your support through a handwritten card or letter. This method is both personal and considerate, allowing your son’s ex to absorb your message and respond at her own pace. Be sure to mail the card rather than delivering it in person to avoid potential discomfort. Even if she appreciates hearing from you, she may not be ready for a face-to-face encounter.
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What message would you like to convey to your son's former girlfriend?
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Start QuizExplore More QuizzesShare how much you valued getting to know her.
She’ll appreciate knowing she left a positive impression on you. Express that you truly admired her as an individual and saw her as someone special, as Christenson suggests. Since discussing the relationship might be difficult for her, especially if it’s recent, keep the tone upbeat and acknowledge any kindness she showed your family. For example:
- "Even though you and Jack are no longer together, I wanted to say how grateful I am to have known you. You always brought so much joy to our family outings. Thank you for everything over the years!"
- "Emily, I just wanted to share how much I’ve enjoyed our time together. You’re such a warm, thoughtful, and delightful person, and I’m so glad I got to know you."
- "I wanted to reach out and let you know how much you’ve meant to our family. Spending time with you over the years has been a true pleasure. Thank you for being the amazing person you are!"
Share a message of compassion and support.
Let her know you care about her well-being and hope she’s doing alright. Regardless of how she feels about the breakup, your son’s ex will likely appreciate your thoughtfulness. Avoid delving into breakup details, though. You can convey your good wishes without reopening old wounds.
- Share a kind sentiment like, "I hope you’ve been doing well. Wishing you nothing but the best!"
- While it might seem kind to suggest your son made a mistake, this could stir up pain or complicate the situation further.
Let her know you’ll miss her presence.
You might have developed a strong connection with your son’s ex-girlfriend. It’s natural to feel sad about not seeing her anymore, and it’s okay to express that. Keep your message concise to avoid making her uncomfortable, as she’s likely dealing with her own emotions. Consider saying something like:
- “I hope you realize how much we’ll miss your laughter and positivity at our family gatherings!”
- “Kayla, game nights were always so much fun with you around. Our family will really miss having you with us!”
- “Maddie, I just wanted to say how much I’ll miss you. You’re such a kind and authentic person, and I’m grateful for the time we spent together.”
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How would you handle it if your son’s ex-girlfriend doesn’t reply to your message?
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Start QuizExplore More QuizzesDon’t take it personally if she doesn’t respond.
Your son’s ex-girlfriend might be too emotionally overwhelmed to engage in conversation. The end of a relationship can be incredibly challenging, and often, time and distance are necessary to heal. If you reach out via call, text, or letter and receive no response, respect her need for space and refrain from further contact.
- She likely just needs time to process her emotions. After some time apart, she may reach out and share her well-wishes with you in the future!
