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Building a connection with someone is a gradual and thoughtful process, whether you’ve just met the person or have known them for a long time. If you wish to relate to someone, it's important to invest time in truly understanding them, listen attentively, show sincere interest, and remain open-minded. If you're finding it challenging to connect with someone who is dealing with a mental or physical illness, focusing on active listening and showing empathy is essential. Additionally, asking meaningful questions, offering support, and gaining knowledge about their condition can help bridge the gap in understanding.
Guidelines
Connecting with Anyone in General
Identify shared passions. Look for areas of similarity in personality, life experiences, or core values. Explore mutual hobbies or interests, and dedicate time to learning more about what they enjoy and why.
- If you're meeting someone new and want to form a connection, start with casual conversation to uncover common interests. For instance, discuss local sports teams' recent victories or new film releases.
- Pose open-ended questions to gain deeper insights into their hobbies and background. You could ask, “What do you enjoy doing in your free time?” or “How did you end up choosing that career path?”
Listen attentively. Take the time to not only hear the words but also understand the emotions behind what the other person is saying. Effective listening will allow you to connect with them on a deeper level.
- Give your full attention to the person. Avoid distractions like checking your phone or planning your response while they’re speaking.
- Don’t jump to conclusions or offer criticisms too quickly.
- Reflect on what the person has said to confirm your understanding. You might say, “It seems like you're feeling…” or “What I’m hearing is that you’re feeling... does that sound right?”
Enhance your empathy abilities. Empathy is the capacity to see the world from someone else’s perspective. By making an effort to understand where the other person is coming from, you'll be better equipped to connect with them. Recognizing that your experience is unique and that everyone is doing their best with the knowledge they have will foster your empathy and help you relate to others, even those who seem vastly different from you.
- Develop empathy by listening and validating the other person’s point of view. If possible, immerse yourself in their environment—spending time with their family, visiting their home, attending significant events, learning about their background, etc.
- For example, if you easily express your emotions but the other person is more reserved, you might not immediately understand why they’re reluctant to open up. However, once you understand their background—like growing up in a family where emotional expression wasn’t encouraged—you’ll gain insight into their behavior.
Be authentic. Show a sincere desire to know the other person better. If you come off as disingenuous or uninterested, they’ll sense it right away. Don’t force the conversation—let it flow naturally. Instead, try to:
- Ask questions about their life, but be cautious not to pry too deeply too soon.
- Foster connection by sharing things about yourself as well.
- Make plans to meet again or exchange contact details. Arrange a time to spend together and get to know each other better.
PRO TIP
John Keegan
Relationship Expert
Relationship Expert
Engage in positive social exchanges by adopting a curious attitude. When interacting with others, approach the conversation with an open mind. Shift your focus from the goal of connecting to simply enjoying the interaction itself. Relax and let the conversation flow naturally!
Embrace diversity. Recognize that you don’t need to agree with or like everyone you meet. Sometimes, differing opinions can enrich your life or open your eyes to new perspectives. Take time to understand where the other person is coming from.
- If someone really rubs you the wrong way or seems very different from you, try to identify what specifically bothers you about them.
- Concentrate on their positive qualities or what they bring to the table.
- Don’t try to change them to fit your view of the world.
PRO TIP
John Keegan
Relationship Specialist
Relationship Specialist
Engage in social interactions with an open heart and mind. Positive experiences in social settings begin when you approach conversations with curiosity. Let go of any pressure and simply enjoy connecting with others!
Give relationships time to develop. Building a connection with someone takes time, especially as it often requires a foundation of trust, which doesn’t form overnight. Allow your relationship to evolve naturally and don’t rush the process of building intimacy. Keep in mind that some people may open up quickly, while others may need more time to build trust.
- If someone expresses discomfort about sharing something personal, respect their boundaries. Respond with something like, "No worries. Just know I'm here if you ever want to talk about it."
- Over time, demonstrate that you can be trusted by consistently keeping your promises, respecting privacy, admitting mistakes, and showing empathy.
Connecting with Someone Experiencing Mental Health Challenges
Inquire about their experience. Show empathy and concern by offering a non-judgmental space for them to talk about their mental health. Encourage open discussion of their feelings while listening attentively and without criticism. Ask thoughtful questions and check in regularly, as individuals with mental health conditions may find it challenging to express emotions.
- You might ask, “How can I best support you right now? What would you like from me?”
- Avoid making judgmental inquiries like, “Why do you feel that way?” or “What’s wrong with you?” or “Don’t you think you should be improving by now?”
- Gently ask about feelings or symptoms that you may not fully understand, such as asking someone with PTSD about the nature of their flashbacks or nightmares. You could say, "I’ve never experienced that. Would you be willing to share what it’s like for you?"
Educate yourself about the person's condition. Take time to thoroughly research and understand their diagnosis. The more you know about the symptoms, treatments, and what to expect from their condition, the better you'll be able to empathize with them and offer meaningful support.
- Look for online resources. The National Alliance on Mental Illness provides valuable information for those close to someone struggling with mental health issues.
- Visit your local library for books on their diagnosis. Seek reliable sources such as those authored by licensed professionals or medical experts. Ask the librarian for help or use the library’s digital resources if needed.
- Consult their doctor and offer to accompany them to appointments if appropriate.
- Join a support group. Whether online or local, find groups that cater to individuals in similar situations. For example, if a loved one is facing addiction, Al-Anon can provide meaningful support for you.
Set realistic expectations. Be patient and understand that even with treatment, the person may continue to struggle with their condition for some time. Healing doesn't happen overnight. Expect challenges and setbacks, and remind yourself that their mental illness is not a reflection of their character.
- Healthy expectations are important. Setting too low a bar can hinder recovery, while demanding too much can add unnecessary pressure.
- Encourage them to remain involved in their treatment or self-care activities.
- Don’t overburden yourself. Offer help with tasks you can manage, but avoid pushing yourself too hard. Overextending yourself can lead to burnout, resentment, and frustration.
Find creative ways to connect with them. When someone is dealing with a mental illness, connecting with them through typical methods may not always work. Keep their specific symptoms in mind when planning time together. Don't take it personally if they say hurtful things, seem irritable, or decline invitations.
- If a person with bipolar disorder is going through a manic episode, they might be full of energy and racing thoughts. In such cases, choose quiet, calming activities and let them rest when needed. Providing light snacks can also help if they have trouble remembering to eat or sitting down long enough to do so.
- If someone is dealing with depression, try encouraging them to get moving. Taking a walk or engaging in physical activity with you can help improve their mood and motivate them.
Connecting with Someone Who Is Ill or Terminally Ill
Pay them a visit. The best way to connect with someone who's struggling with physical health issues is by showing you care through spending quality time together. Help distract them from their illness and reduce feelings of isolation. Try the following:
- Make regular contact in person or through other means, such as phone calls or letters. Avoid withdrawing due to discomfort or awkwardness.
- Enjoy activities together, like watching a favorite movie, taking a walk, or reading to them.
- Try to bring joy by making them laugh—don’t let gloom dominate your visits.
- Revisit fun memories or shared experiences to bring light to their day.
Ask thoughtful questions. Don’t assume you know what the other person needs. Instead, check in regularly to understand how they are truly feeling.
- Ask about their emotions related to their condition, whether terminal or not. For example, you could ask, "Are you feeling anxious about the future?" or "Is there anything you're afraid of right now?"
- Inquire about any physical discomfort they may be experiencing. For instance, ask, "Are you comfortable? Would you like me to adjust your pillow or bring you something?"
- Find out what practical support they may need. Maybe they require assistance with tasks like paperwork, cooking, or errands.
- If they have a terminal diagnosis, gently ask about their preferences for end-of-life care, the treatment options they are considering, and how they feel about the progress of their care.
Show acceptance. You might not know exactly what to say to someone who is sick or nearing the end of their life, and that’s perfectly fine. What matters most is being accepting of their emotions. Be prepared to listen to difficult feelings, such as fear or frustration.
- Allow them to express negativity without forcing them to stay positive. Some people might need to voice their anger or sadness without being told to look on the bright side.
- Don’t try to “fix” things or offer unsolicited medical advice.
- Avoid empty phrases like, “You’re so strong.” While well-intended, such statements can sometimes make a person feel invalidated or exhausted, especially if they are struggling.
Offer comforting touch. Don’t hesitate to provide physical comfort to someone in need. Although it may feel awkward at first, physical touch can bring immense comfort, particularly when the person is unable to communicate verbally. Some simple gestures include:
- Give them a hug.
- Hold their hand gently.
- Offer a back rub to help them relax.
- Moisten their lips with a sponge if they're unable to drink on their own.
- Gently stroke their hair to provide soothing comfort.
