How to Conquer Envy

Recognize the distinction between envy and jealousy. Envy and jealousy are often used interchangeably, but they are different emotions. It’s crucial to distinguish between the two to understand what you're feeling. Jealousy arises when you fear losing something you already have, while envy occurs when you desire something someone else possesses.

• For instance, jealousy is the feeling you get when you see your partner showing interest in someone else, whereas envy is what you feel when you spot a friend driving a shiny new car.

Reflect on the harm envy brings to your life. How has envy negatively affected your existence? Perhaps a close friendship is starting to deteriorate because you can no longer mask your discontent, so you begin avoiding her calls. Maybe you find yourself obsessively scrolling through your ex's Facebook page, fixated on pictures of him and his fiancée. Or perhaps you're secretly consumed with jealousy as you read your classmate's photography blog, wishing you could match his artistic skills. These are all signs of how envy drains your energy, energy that could be better spent elsewhere. Envy might be impacting your life in the following ways:

• Wasting your time
• Overtaking your thoughts
• Damaging your personal and professional relationships
• Distorting your character
• Fostering negativity

Identify the root cause of your envy. To address envy in a meaningful way, you need to uncover its source. If your envy arises from your friend's new sports car, take a moment to understand the underlying reasons. Ask yourself key questions to pinpoint what’s behind your feelings.

• For example, are you envious because you desire the same car? Or do you feel jealousy towards his ability to afford such a luxury?
• Consider what underlying fear might be fueling your envy. Is it connected to a lack of self-confidence or an inability to trust your own abilities?

Journal about your emotions. Writing down your feelings is a powerful way to process negative emotions and gain clarity. By journaling about your envy, you can begin to understand its source and find ways to manage it. Start by detailing the specific event that triggered your envy. Write about the situation in as much detail as you can. Explore why you feel envious of that particular person.

• For example, you might describe how your friend pulled up in his new sports car and how it made you feel. What were your emotions at the time? How did his arrival affect you? What did you feel compelled to do or say? What did you actually do or say? How did you feel afterward? Reflect on how you feel now, and imagine how you would like to feel in the future.

Talk to a trusted friend about your envious emotions. Sharing your feelings with a supportive friend or family member can be a helpful way to release some of the tension and gain perspective. Choose someone who isn’t closely connected to the person you're envious of, and make sure they are someone who will listen attentively and provide emotional support. Avoid confiding in someone who may dismiss your feelings or who lacks the ability to offer genuine help, as that could make you feel even worse.

Consider seeing a therapist if you struggle to move past your envy. For some individuals, envy can significantly disrupt daily life and overall happiness. If you find that you can’t manage your envy on your own, seeking the guidance of a licensed mental health professional can be incredibly helpful. A therapist can help you unravel the emotions behind your envy and guide you through ways to cope with and address these feelings in a healthier manner.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Envy often arises from feelings of personal inadequacy. When you're envious of others, it typically stems from the belief that someone else possesses what you lack—be it their career, partner, possessions, or intellect. This judgment of your own perceived shortcomings fuels the comparison. Instead of being so critical of yourself, try to ease up on the judgment. Doing so will reduce your urge to compare your life unfavorably with others'.

• For example, you might envy your friend's flourishing career while yours is still in its early stages. Give yourself some grace—your time will come if you keep working hard.
• Envy often grows from a mindset of judgment—believing that “this” is better than “that” and striving for what you don't have. Shift your mindset to be more open and accepting rather than labeling certain traits as superior and others as inferior. Be more open-minded to different paths and experiences.

Forgive both the person you envy and yourself. Forgiveness plays a crucial role in overcoming envy. Holding onto resentment towards someone else's success will only weigh you down. One helpful exercise is to silently forgive the person you envy (without their knowledge, of course) and forgive yourself as well. Take a moment to verbally declare your forgiveness when you are alone.

• It's important to remember that forgiving the other person isn't about condoning wrongdoing—it's about understanding their journey and empathizing with their achievements. By viewing their success from their perspective, you can feel compassion for their pride and accomplishments.
• For instance, you might say to yourself, “I'm happy for Sharon’s success in her career, and I forgive myself for being behind her on my own path.”

Convert your envy into appreciation. Overcoming envy involves shifting your focus to gratitude for both what you have and what others have achieved. A great way to manage envy is by learning to appreciate the success or good fortune of others. Practice genuine happiness for someone else's accomplishments. For example, try to feel happy for a friend who has a new sports car and transform your envy into admiration.

• You might find it helpful to express your admiration directly. For instance, you could say, “Congratulations on the new car! I’m really happy for you and all your success!”

Channel your envy into a goal. Once you identify the root of your envy, you can turn it into something constructive, like setting a personal goal. Use your feelings of envy as motivation to work towards an achievable and positive goal. Doing so will redirect your energy away from negative thoughts and empower you to take action toward improving your life.

• For example, if you're envious of a friend’s sports car because you'd like the financial freedom to afford something similar, make it your goal to increase your income or savings.
• Break down your goal into smaller, actionable steps. For example, if your goal is to save more money, one smaller goal might be to search for a higher-paying job or seek advancement opportunities at your current job. Another small goal could be to set aside $20 every week.

Define success on your own terms. Are you measuring your worth or others' based on superficial standards of success? Success doesn't have to look like a big house, fancy cars, or a high-profile job, nor does it have to be about physical beauty or fame. True success is about discovering what life looks like for you and living it to the fullest. If you focus less on society's prescribed definitions of success and more on what makes you excited to wake up each day, you'll be less likely to compare yourself to others.

• Remember, it’s perfectly fine to be at a different point in life than someone else. For example, just because you don’t have the career or partner you desire yet, doesn’t make you any less valuable than the person you envy. Life isn’t a checklist of milestones we all need to hit to find happiness. Each of us has a unique path, and no one’s journey is inherently more meaningful than anyone else’s.

Understand that you don't have the full picture. It may seem like someone else has everything—an ideal partner, perfect hair, straight A's, you name it. But there’s always more beneath the surface because no life is perfect. If someone appears to have everything you want, remember that they might be envious of something you possess as well. Don’t elevate others to a pedestal or assume they have everything handed to them. Chances are, they’re hiding their own flaws and struggles.

• Consider that everyone has their own battles, needs, and desires. This reminder can help you realize that no one’s life is as flawless as it appears. There’s no need to dig for imperfections—just trust that there’s more than meets the eye. Set aside your envy and focus on your own journey.

Embrace your unique skills and strengths. Now that you're no longer comparing yourself to others, focus on your own strengths and what you bring to the table. Channel your energy into your skills and talents, so you can continue improving in everything you do. Whether you’re perfecting that cello piece or writing a captivating thesis, there's no room for envy when you're focused on honing your craft.

• Whenever you catch yourself thinking about what you don’t have, make a conscious choice to shift your thoughts toward what you do have. Practice this each time envy creeps in. By doing so, you’ll start to cultivate a more positive and appreciative mindset.
• Remember, not everyone possesses what you do—your talents may even be the very things others envy about you.

Appreciate the people who love you. Think about the friends and family who would drop anything for you and imagine what you would do for them. Focusing on the loved ones who fill your life with meaning can help diminish feelings of envy. Rather than focusing on what might be missing in your life, take time to be thankful for those who are always there for you. Gratitude, much like mindfulness, is about being present and shifting your focus to the good things you already have, instead of fixating on what you don't.

Know what to change and what to accept. It's vital to understand what aspects of your life are within your control and which ones aren’t. Direct your energy toward changing the things you can, and don’t waste time on what’s beyond your influence. Dwelling on things you can’t change will only lead to frustration and negativity. Life is too short to focus on the unchangeable.

• For example, if you're envious of your friend's musical talent and dream of being a singer-songwriter, pour your energy into pursuing your passion. Take voice lessons, perform at open mics, and go after your dreams with everything you've got. If music is your calling, don’t let anything stand in your way.
• However, some things can’t be changed by sheer will. If you’re in love with your friend's wife, but they are happily married, you must accept that you cannot change this situation. Acceptance is crucial to prevent envy from turning into bitterness.

Surround yourself with thankful individuals. If your friends are always comparing their lives—be it jobs, relationships, or children—and constantly complaining about what they lack, it might be time to seek out new company. Spending too much time with ungrateful people can make you feel ungrateful too. Instead, spend time with individuals who are content—not in a showy or boastful way, but in a manner that shows they are grateful for what they have. Choose friends who are generous, kind, and nonjudgmental, and you’ll naturally start to adopt those traits yourself.

Start a gratitude diary. If it’s been some time since you’ve reflected on the positive aspects of your life, take a moment to grab a pen and paper and begin writing. Keeping a gratitude journal is an excellent way to shift your mindset and appreciate what you have. If writing isn't your thing, perhaps consider creating a vlog or expressing your thoughts through sketches. Since envy often stems from feeling deprived, invest time and energy in reminding yourself of what you already possess. Here are some things to include in your journal:

• Your talents
• Your favorite physical features
• Your closest friends
• Your pets
• Your favorite foods
• Things that make you smile
• Happy memories
• Future experiences to look forward to
• Beloved possessions
• Achievements

Spend a whole day focusing on positivity. If you tend to keep your envy to yourself, this may not apply, but if envy has led you into a more negative mindset, try spending an entire day without making any complaints. This challenge isn't about being perfect, but about realizing how often you engage in negative thinking. A single day might help you recognize how much you complain and help you shift your mindset. If you decide to give it a shot, try to refrain from complaining about anything—whether it’s about yourself, others, or your situation.

• Even self-criticism is off-limits. Avoid comparing yourself negatively or wishing things were different.
• By removing complaints from your life, you may realize that your negative attitude affects those around you, too. Changing your approach could improve relationships and lift your mood.

Steer clear of negativity for one week. Negative input includes anything that feeds your envy and makes you long for what you don’t have. The more obsessive these influences are, the more they harm your mental well-being. Try eliminating them for a week to see if it positively affects your outlook. Some examples of negative input are:

• Advertisements. Constant exposure to ads for things you can’t afford, like expensive clothes, can make you feel envious of those who have them. To avoid this, you might want to take a break from watching TV or browsing fashion magazines for a week.
• Social media. If logging into Facebook or Instagram triggers envy, you’re not alone. Studies show that Facebook use often increases feelings of envy. Try taking a week-long break from social media to see how it impacts your mood.

Remind yourself that you’re in control. If you often feel envious of the possessions or achievements of others, remember that you could have those things too, but you’re choosing not to. For instance, if you desire a designer wardrobe, you could go into debt to afford it, but perhaps you value your financial stability more. If you’re making wise decisions, like prioritizing savings over instant gratification, give yourself credit for those choices. You’re in charge of your path, and your decisions reflect what’s most important to you.

Compliment five different people every day. Aim to give a genuine compliment to five different people each day, ensuring you don’t repeat the same individuals. Offer compliments that go beyond surface-level remarks—recognize something truly admirable about them. This practice helps you stay focused on the positive qualities of others rather than comparing yourself. Research suggests that complimenting someone you envy can actually help shift your perspective. Try expressing appreciation for the hard work and positive traits that you admire in others, including those you envy.

Volunteer your time. If you find it difficult to stop thinking about what you lack, try shifting your focus by helping those who are facing more serious challenges. Sometimes, we get stuck in negative thought patterns that make it hard to appreciate what we already have. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, hospital, or animal shelter can offer you a much-needed perspective shift. Afterward, take some time to reflect on how the experience made you feel. Giving your time and energy to others can help you realize just how fortunate you are and how much positivity you can bring into the world.