Buzz
When your spouse refuses to clean up after themselves, it’s easy to feel more like a housekeeper than a partner. You’re not alone in facing this situation! This is a common complaint, but there are plenty of ways to encourage your significant other to pitch in with household tasks. Check out our practical tips below to get the help you need without resorting to nagging.
Steps
Discuss household responsibilities with your partner.
Set aside time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Calmly express what’s bothering you and what changes you’d like to see. You might say something like, “I feel really stressed because the house is always messy. It seems like I’m the only one cleaning, and I’m exhausted.”
- Be specific, especially if something is particularly frustrating. For example, you could say, “The bathroom is always a mess—towels are everywhere, dirty clothes are on the floor, and toothpaste is smeared all over the sink.”
Avoid blaming your partner.
Focus on what you want to see rather than passing judgment. Steer clear of phrases like “You always” or “You never,” as they can make your partner defensive. Instead, try saying something like, “I wish you’d remember to put dirty clothes in the laundry basket,” rather than, “You never put dirty clothes in the laundry basket.”
- Your spouse will be much more receptive if you avoid turning the issue into a personal attack. If you’re feeling angry, take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation.
- This conversation is also a good opportunity to acknowledge what your partner is already doing. You might not realize they regularly dust the furniture until they mention it.
Create a household chore list with your partner.
Write down all the household tasks you find important. Sit down with your partner and make a comprehensive list of cleaning duties. Don’t forget to include tasks that only need to be done weekly. Your list might look like this:
- Bedroom: wash bedsheets, tidy clutter, vacuum, dust furniture
- Bathroom: scrub the bathtub, sink, and toilet, mop the floor, replace towels, clean the mirror
- Living room: vacuum or mop the floor, organize clutter, dust furniture
- Kitchen: clean the fridge, wipe countertops, scrub the sink, load and unload the dishwasher, take out the trash
Divide household chores.
Identify the chores your partner enjoys doing. Discuss together who will handle which tasks from the list you’ve created. This might be challenging, but both of you should aim to divide the work fairly or agree if one person will take on more tasks. Open communication is key to understanding each other’s feelings. If either of you feels dissatisfied, adjust the list accordingly.
- For example, if you don’t work outside the home but your spouse works 40 hours a week, they may have less time for chores. In this case, choose specific tasks you’d like them to handle, such as putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket, running the dishwasher, or keeping their workspace tidy. The goal is to reach a mutual agreement that satisfies both of you.
- For instance, if your partner hates mopping, try finding another task they might prefer, like vacuuming or organizing.
Set realistic expectations.
Don’t expect your partner to improve overnight. It’s more practical to start with small tasks and gradually assign more as they get comfortable. For example, if your partner never cleans up after themselves, tasks like putting their dirty clothes in the laundry basket or tidying their side of the bedroom are great starting points.
- You can adjust your standards over time. If you feel your initial expectations were too high, consider scaling back. If your partner handles tasks enthusiastically, you can discuss adding more responsibilities.
Work together as a team.
Try turning cleaning into a fun activity for both of you. Let’s face it—neither of you enjoys cleaning, but you can make it more enjoyable. If the house needs a deep clean, play music or listen to a podcast while you work.
- Celebrate your accomplishments together. You could go out for coffee or reward yourselves with a movie night.
Ask your spouse for additional support when needed.
Talk to your spouse if you need more help. Whether you’re feeling unwell, overwhelmed, or simply think your partner could contribute more, don’t hesitate to ask for specific assistance. This approach is better than hoping they’ll read your mind and then feeling frustrated when they don’t.
- For example, you could say, “I have a lot of meetings this week. Could you run the laundry tomorrow?”
Avoid redoing the tasks your partner has completed.
Redoing your spouse’s work sends the message that they didn’t do it well enough. If they keep seeing you do this, they’ll eventually stop helping altogether. After all, why should they fold the laundry if you’re just going to redo it?
- If you’re not happy with how your partner does something, don’t wait until they’re done to fix it. Instead, say something like, “Hey, I usually separate the laundry into three loads: whites, darks, and towels.”
Acknowledge the efforts your spouse makes.
Thank your partner for their efforts to make them feel appreciated. By doing so, you’re setting an example for the kind of gestures you’d like to see in return. Let your partner know you’ve noticed when they’ve cleaned up or helped with household tasks without being asked. Everyone feels good when their efforts are acknowledged, and this reinforces their positive behavior.
- For example, you could say, “Did you clean up after breakfast? Thanks, love!” It’s as simple as that.
Reassign tasks when necessary.
Talk to your partner if you want to switch responsibilities. Just because you’ve created a chore list together doesn’t mean it’s set in stone! You can always revisit and adjust it to suit your current situation.
- For instance, if you’re pregnant, you shouldn’t be cleaning the litter box, so your partner can take over that task. In exchange, you could handle washing the dishes after meals, which they’ve been doing.
Tips
- If you’ve tried everything and your partner still doesn’t change, consider hiring a cleaning service occasionally. This will ease your burden and also signal to your partner that you need more support.
