How to Cope When a Loved One Goes to Prison

When someone you care about is incarcerated, it can turn your world upside down. Beyond the deep sense of loss from their absence in your daily life, you are left to manage the hardships caused by the lack of their presence and support. On top of that, navigating the complicated process of visiting them in prison can feel like a maze. Although challenging, it is still possible to learn how to create a new life for yourself when your loved one is no longer by your side.

Live in the moment. Focusing on the many years ahead without the person you love can be overwhelming. Instead, try to live in the present and tackle things as they come day by day.

• If staying present is difficult, you might find mindfulness helpful. For instance, when you're in the shower, concentrate on the sensation of what you're doing rather than letting your mind wander to the day’s tasks. Focus on the feel of the soap on your skin, the warmth of the water soothing your muscles, and the fragrance of the body wash in the air. Engage your senses instead of the thoughts rushing through your mind.

Prepare for what lies ahead. This advice might seem to contradict the earlier step, but it’s possible to live in the present while acknowledging that tough times are ahead. For example, you might lose some relationships because your loved one is in prison. Some people may not be as understanding as you’d hope.

• This will understandably cause you pain, but remember, even if you lose some friends, you might gain new ones who are going through similar experiences. Moreover, you will discover who truly stands by you, both in your moments of joy and in times of hardship.

Plan and manage your finances. If your loved one contributed to the family’s income, you will need to create a new financial plan. You might need to take on one or more additional jobs. Carefully assess your financial situation to determine what essentials you need to get by.

• You will also need to account for costs related to the person in prison. Supporting someone behind bars can be a significant expense. Your loved one will require your assistance for things like phone calls and necessary items. These costs can add up quickly, as even depositing money into an account can come with fees. Therefore, you need to set up a financial plan that includes a reasonable monthly budget for your loved one in prison and stick to it. If you feel this isn't enough, consider whether anyone in the family might be willing to help.
• Additionally, you may need to take on more household responsibilities now that your loved one is no longer able to assist. Don't hesitate to ask for help from family members when necessary.

Take care of yourself. This can be a painful task. You’ve lost someone who was an important part of your life, and it’s completely normal to feel sorrow. However, despite your grief, don’t forget that you need to care for yourself. Try to maintain regular sleep patterns and eat well so that you have the strength to keep going.

Determine how often you can visit your loved one. Most prisons limit the number of visits family members can make. Furthermore, the location where your loved one is being held might not be as close as you’d like. Therefore, you must decide how many visits you can realistically make, so both you and your loved one can mentally prepare.

• You can also inform them of when you will be able to write letters or send messages.

Prepare what to say to others. Deciding how to share the news with others can be challenging. Perhaps it’s best to be honest, as some people may already know from police records or news reports. However, if you’re uncomfortable with this, you could say that you and the person have parted ways or that they had to go away. Just make sure you are consistent in your story.

• Additionally, you should decide who you want to tell. You might prefer to keep this within the family, or you may want to confide in close friends. It’s a good idea to plan in advance who will be informed about your situation.

Consider what you will tell your children. When your partner is in prison, it is important to be honest with your kids. If you hide the truth, they may feel betrayed when they eventually find out. Additionally, you should teach your children how to talk about the situation with outsiders. For example, they could say, "Dad is far away," or "Mom is in prison," depending on your choice.

• If you decide to let the children visit, it’s a good idea to go beforehand by yourself to scout the visit. This way, you can explain what will happen when they arrive and help ease their fears.

Research the prison's regulations ahead of time. If possible, contact the prison beforehand to understand what to expect. For example, you may be subjected to a search. Some prisons may only allow remote video calls, meaning you might not be able to hug your loved one. Most prisons limit physical contact, allowing for only a brief hug. You'll feel less anxious if you know what to expect.

• If you're in the U.S., you won't be allowed to give inmates anything, such as baked goods, so it's best not to bring such items when visiting a loved one in prison.

Use relaxation techniques. Visiting someone in prison can be stressful. If you feel anxious, try using some relaxation methods. For example, you could apply a few drops of calming essential oil to a handkerchief and bring it along. You might not be allowed to bring the handkerchief, but you can inhale the scent before and after the visit. Just be mindful that certain scents may remind you of the experience, so avoid using a fragrance you often wear.

• You could also try breathing exercises. When you feel anxious, take a moment to breathe deeply. Close your eyes, inhale for a count of four, and exhale for four. Focus on your breath until you feel calm again.

Don't be surprised if the person becomes angry. Going to prison is frightening for anyone, and your loved one may also be scared of losing their family. Moreover, they are adjusting to a new, stressful life. Try to be understanding, but don’t let them control or pressure you, especially when you’re also going through a tough time.

Seek support after a prison visit. Visiting a loved one in prison can be a challenging experience, and the time spent in the prison environment is rarely pleasant. Therefore, it's essential to find someone to talk to afterward. Going for a coffee and having a conversation with someone can help alleviate the tension and stress you may be feeling.

Join a support group. Many communities offer support groups for those with loved ones in prison. You can find a group through the court system, or perhaps by reaching out to mental health professionals who may be able to recommend a suitable group for you.

Consider seeking a grief counselor. If group therapy isn't a good fit for you, consider scheduling a few sessions with a grief counselor. You can look for low-cost or free counseling options to make this more accessible.

Overcome feelings of guilt. You might feel guilty that your loved one is in prison while you remain free. However, remember that you did not choose the actions that led them to incarceration, and what you can do now is offer your support.

• The first step to moving past guilt is recognizing that you haven’t done anything wrong. Your loved one’s imprisonment is not your fault, and you cannot change the choices they made.
• If, however, you feel that you might have contributed to their situation, taking responsibility by offering an apology is a good step forward.
• Once you’ve apologized, it’s important to move on. Stop dwelling on guilt and don’t get stuck in regret. You can’t change the past, but you can shape a better future.

Establish a new “normal”. Your life may feel as if it’s been put on pause for a while after a loved one is incarcerated. Losing someone who was part of your daily routine can leave a sense of emptiness. However, with time, you can adapt to life without them, and this adjustment is entirely natural.

• A key part of creating a new normal is continuing with your regular routines. Don’t hesitate to celebrate holidays and birthdays, even in their absence. Your life doesn’t have to come to a halt just because your loved one is in prison.
• Consider starting new traditions within your family, creating things to look forward to. Or, you could try picking up a new hobby to occupy your time from time to time.