How to cope when your parents manipulate your mind (knowing exactly what to do and say)

When parents manipulate your perception by denying, overpowering, and controlling your reality, you may feel lost. Whether you’re an adult or not, this mental manipulation (also known as gaslighting), especially from parents, can leave you frustrated and helpless. Fortunately, you can take steps to protect your emotions, set boundaries with the manipulator, work towards a healthier family dynamic, and empower yourself.

Trust your intuition and believe in your memory of what actually happened. You may feel utterly frustrated and confused when the manipulator says, "I didn’t say/do that" or "That’s not what happened" to deny their negative actions. They might even try to change the rules or expectations after something has happened. For example, if your parents told you that you could stay out until 10 PM, but when you return on time, they insist that you should have been home by 9 PM.

• If you feel safe facing the manipulator, respond with: "No. I remember what you said. You told me..."
• If you don’t want to argue, you can say: "I’m not getting involved in this" and walk away. If you can’t leave, try to tune out their words.
• Even if your parents want you to feel guilty or apologize for their lies, stand firm. Don’t apologize or blame yourself. Your perception and the truth are more important!

If you feel safe doing so, protect yourself by setting clear boundaries. When someone uses hurtful language that crosses your emotional limits, you may feel genuinely wounded, angry, or sad. Pay attention to your body's response and acknowledge that you're allowed to feel this way. Then, resist by telling the manipulator how you feel, and let them know you don't want to continue the conversation if this persists. If your parents ignore your emotional boundaries, try to leave the room or exit the situation.

• You might say, "I’d prefer you speak to me more gently."
• Respond to the manipulative parent’s hurtful tone by saying, "I find it difficult to talk to you when you keep calling me 'stupid.'"
• If they accuse you of being "too sensitive" or saying, "If you hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have punished you," you could reply, "I understand why you think that, but I see things differently, and I believe that’s unfair."

Take time away from home, leave the house, or lock your room door. If you're living at home and still in school, join clubs or extracurricular activities after school to minimize your time spent at home. If you live away from home, establish rules for how often you'll communicate with your parents. If you feel safe discussing these boundaries, you should talk to your parents about it.

• "I’d prefer Mom to visit my apartment in the evenings rather than all weekend."
• "I’ll go to a friend’s house to study every day and come home after dinner."
• "I’ll call Dad every Saturday, and if there’s an urgent matter, he can text me since I’m busy with school and work."

Try this approach if you feel unable to face the emotional manipulator directly. While you are an incredible person with so much to offer, communicating clearly becomes very challenging when dealing with a manipulator. Reject the negative words your parents say and remind yourself of your worth by repeating positive affirmations (either aloud or in a private journal).

• "My feelings matter more than anything."
• "I deserve care and love."
• "I am responsible for myself when expressing my legitimate needs to my parents, this is not selfish."
• Encourage yourself through activities you enjoy, such as: "I truly did great in today’s school soccer match."

Engage in activities and spend time with those who uplift you. You deserve love and recognition from those around you, so rely on relationships that bring joy to your life. You can sign up for activities on your own or invite friends to join you in volunteering, hobbies, or new physical exercises to demonstrate what you're capable of. If you're struggling to define who you are, consider reaching out to a counselor who is willing to help you build a strong sense of confidence.

• Record this: "I love myself. I am valuable. I am worthy." Listen to this recording or repeat it several times a day.
• Practice relaxation exercises like meditation or yoga.

Use digital tools to record or find witnesses for the manipulator's actions. Having proof that their lies contradict reality allows you to affirm what you know to be true. Additionally, if the abuse escalates, you can present this evidence to authorities.

• You can use your phone to record or videotape verbal abuse or lies from the manipulator.
• If you have trustworthy friends or know a mental health professional, call them and keep the line open while you are in conflict with your parents to have witnesses for the event.
• Be careful when storing evidence as the manipulator might find it. Upload recordings, pictures, or videos to cloud storage for backup.

Release emotional energy by letting go of the relationship. While it may be incredibly difficult to let go of someone, this is a crucial step towards a new life filled with positive relationships. Emotional manipulators often have borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder – they will never admit, regret, or genuinely apologize for their behavior towards you. You deserve much more than that! By choosing to leave instead of waiting for an apology, you open the door to pursue more meaningful and constructive relationships with others in your life.

• Build your support network by spending more time with friends or other family members who acknowledge your feelings and perceptions.

Decide when to call, text, or visit your parents. Manipulative parents may provoke you with your explanations and argue about your desire to cut off communication. Be clear and firm by letting them know how much you are willing to communicate. By choosing to cut off communication, you can prioritize your happiness over a toxic relationship.

• "I’m happy to visit for the holidays, but I don't want to come over during the rest of the year."
• "I feel comfortable talking to my stepdad only when someone else is here, like my mom or my sister."
• If the manipulative parent continues to send messages through friends or other family members, say: "This is a personal issue between me and my father/mother/aunt/uncle, so let's enjoy our coffee and not bring them up."
• Join support groups for those overcoming emotional manipulation or self-esteem abuse.

Work towards healing and reconciliation with the emotional manipulator. During family therapy sessions, the whole family can engage in conversation with a psychologist to identify issues and find ways to address them. If you feel unheard at home, you can express your feelings to the therapist. However, remember that it will be difficult for the emotional manipulator to agree to therapy, as they often deny being the source of the problem.

• To find a therapist, ask your family doctor or search online. You can also turn to local churches, mental health organizations, or union employee assistance programs for referrals.

Strengthen your confidence and address this difficult situation through psychological therapy. During or after enduring emotional manipulation, it's normal to question your beliefs and perceptions, and even feel hopeless or depressed. You can turn to a counselor or therapist to help with your recovery process through mental health resources available at school, work, your family doctor, or local organizations in this field. To ensure you meet a qualified therapist, look for a licensed mental health professional in your area.

• If you don't have a driver's license, you can have therapy sessions online with a counselor.
• If you can't afford therapy, consider joining a local support group for those facing emotional abuse.
• Additionally, you can search online for local training clinics (where you can meet students or clinical therapists) and community mental health organizations that offer free counseling services.

Verbal abuse, dismissal, and harsh criticism are signs of emotional abuse. If your parents don't respect your boundaries, frequently manipulate you emotionally, and make you feel unsafe at home, seek help. No one has the right to treat you this way, even if they are your parents. You can report emotional abuse by confiding in a trusted adult such as a doctor, coach, caregiver, or teacher.

• Teachers, caregivers, or coaches at school are responsible adults who can help you provide evidence to authorities about suspected emotional abuse and defamation by your parents.
• For more information about child abuse and to be directed to the appropriate agencies, you can call the national child protection hotline 111 in Vietnam.