Buzz
Understanding your role when a parent is dealing with depression can be challenging. Depending on your age, you might feel limited in how you can assist them, but there are several approaches to help you manage the situation. As a child, your responsibility isn't to become their caretaker. If you have the capacity, time, and energy, you can offer support, but it's crucial to maintain healthy boundaries and recognize your own limits.
Steps
Supporting Your Parent
Familiarize yourself with the symptoms of depression. You might notice that your parent withdraws from activities they once enjoyed. They may appear sad, hopeless, or act helpless. You might also observe changes in their weight (gain or loss) or sleep patterns (oversleeping or insomnia).
- Your parent may exhibit unusual behavior, such as irritability, aggression, or increased moodiness.
- They may also lack energy and frequently seem exhausted.
- Watch for signs of increased alcohol or drug use. Changes in drinking habits or medication usage (including prescriptions or sleep aids) could be linked to depression.
- Depression is not contagious, and you cannot catch it.
Talk to your parent. Discussing depression with someone, especially your parent, can be intimidating. If you're worried and feel things aren't improving, it's important to address the issue. Approach them with care and concern, reminding them of their importance to you and your desire to see them happy.
- You might say, "I'm worried about you and your health. Has something changed? Are you okay?"
- Alternatively, you could mention, "I've noticed things seem different, and you look sad. Are you doing alright?"
- If your parent mentions anything about not wanting to live anymore, seek immediate help.
Encourage your parent to seek therapy. After an honest conversation, gently urge them to see a therapist. Understand that you're not responsible for their thoughts, feelings, or actions, especially regarding depression. Encourage them to seek professional help, as therapy can reframe negative thinking, identify triggers, and develop strategies to reduce future depressive symptoms.
- Say something like, "I want you to be happy and healthy, and I think a therapist could help. Would you consider seeing one?"
Participate in family therapy. While individual therapy helps develop specific skills, family therapy can benefit everyone. When a parent is depressed, the entire family is affected. Family therapy improves communication and problem-solving among all members.
- If you feel overwhelmed by responsibilities at home, this is a great space to discuss and find compromises.
Spend quality time with your parent. They love you deeply, even if they struggle to show it. Demonstrate your love by spending time together. Your parent likely wants this too but may lack the energy. Take the initiative and invite them to join you in an activity you both enjoy.
- Cook a meal together.
- Paint or draw together.
- Take the dog for a walk together.
Take a walk with your parent. Nature, sunlight, and fresh air can help them relax and feel better. Outdoor walks reduce depression and stress. Observe the trees and wildlife, and enjoy the time immersed in nature.
- Walk in a park or nature reserve.
- Even a simple stroll around the neighborhood with the dog can be beneficial.
Show your love for your parent. Sometimes, individuals with depression feel unloved or unwanted, and a simple reminder can boost their spirits. Write a note, send a card, or create a drawing. Whatever you do, make it clear that you care deeply for them.
- If you don’t live with your parent, consider sending a card or email expressing that you’re thinking of them and love them.
Harness the power of physical touch. Give your parent a warm hug. Those deprived of affection often feel lonelier and struggle more with depression. People who receive affection tend to be happier and healthier.
- Hug your parent when you feel comfortable.
- Gently touch their shoulder or arm to show support.
Talk to your siblings about what’s happening. If you have younger siblings, they may have noticed changes in your parent’s behavior but might not fully understand. Try to explain the situation in a simple and positive way.
- You could say, "Dad is dealing with depression, and sometimes he acts irritable or stays in bed all day. It’s not your fault, and he still loves you very much."
Know what to do when your parent can no longer care for themselves. Sometimes, when someone is depressed, they stop taking care of themselves—they may not shower, go to work, or perform daily tasks like cooking, cleaning, or doing laundry. If your parent neglects themselves, your needs may also be overlooked.
- In such cases, seek help. If your father is depressed, talk to your mother or stepmother about the situation and explain that you think he needs assistance. You can help with small tasks, like keeping your room clean or taking out the trash, but it’s your parent’s responsibility to care for you.
- If you’re older, like a teenager, you can take on tasks your parent can’t handle while they recover. Help around the house, cook meals, drive siblings to activities, etc. However, you shouldn’t take on all household responsibilities or become their sole caregiver. Focus on high-priority tasks (like preparing meals) but remember you can’t do everything.
- If you’re an adult, discuss seeking help with your parent. If they’re unwilling to see a therapist, encourage them to visit their doctor for a general check-up. Set boundaries on what you’re willing and able to do for them, and remember they must accept help before they can feel better. You can’t force them.
Recognize suicidal behavior. While it’s frightening to think about, understanding the signs of suicide is crucial if your parent is depressed. Those contemplating suicide often exhibit certain behaviors, and recognizing them early can help you act when needed. Signs that someone may be at risk include:
- Giving away their belongings.
- Talking about going away or settling personal matters.
- Mentioning death or suicide, including self-harm.
- Expressing feelings of hopelessness.
- Sudden changes in behavior, like calmness after a period of anxiety.
- Engaging in self-destructive behaviors, such as increased alcohol or drug use.
- Saying things like, "You’d be better off without me," "I don’t want to be here anymore," or "It’ll all be over soon."
Be prepared to act if you believe your parent is in danger. If you suspect they are considering suicide, call 1900599830, the Youth Counseling Hotline of the Vietnam Psychological Crisis Prevention Center, or 112. If your parent threatens self-harm or suicide, possesses weapons or lethal means (such as medication), frequently talks about ending their life, or is agitated or anxious, or if they are actively attempting suicide, contact emergency services (like 112) immediately.
Taking Care of Yourself
Avoid blaming yourself. You might feel guilty or as though you’ve done something "wrong" to make your parent unhappy, but this isn’t true. Depression arises from complex causes, often involving multiple factors rather than just one or two. Many people develop depression due to circumstances that make them more susceptible to the condition.
- You haven’t done anything wrong, and your parent’s depression isn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself and let go of guilt, as it will only lead to self-torment, which isn’t healthy.
Avoid taking things personally. Often, women may become emotional or sad, while men might act irritable or angry. Regardless, a depressed parent may unintentionally say things they don’t mean. You might feel like you’re the cause of their stress, but understanding that their mood is abnormal—and may lead to behavioral changes—can help you realize these actions aren’t about you.
- If your parent hurts your feelings, try to view their words more optimistically. Forgive them and accept that their mental state is unstable. While this won’t make their words less painful, it can help you understand that you’re not at fault.
Spend time with people who make you happy. Go out with friends, surround yourself with positive individuals, and enjoy life. Don’t hesitate to step out of the house and engage in activities. Having fun provides the mental balance you need to maintain comfort at home.
- Don’t let caregiving responsibilities or household duties consume your life. You’re not obligated to be the sole caretaker. Help where you can, but don’t let it control your life.
- Set boundaries with your parent. If they rely on you to make them feel better or complete them, this is unhealthy and can significantly impact your mental health.
- Start by establishing small boundaries without anger or judgment. For example, if your parent overshares or discusses their problems excessively, you might say, "Dad, I love talking to you, but this issue is beyond me. I think Aunt Six might be able to help."
Talk about your feelings. Your emotions matter, and suppressing them isn’t healthy. Find someone who listens well and share your thoughts with them.
- Your parent may not be in a position to fulfill their parental role, so seek another trusted adult who can mentor you. Consider turning to siblings, grandparents, aunts/uncles, religious leaders, or family friends.
Find ways to express your emotions. It’s natural to feel stressed, anxious, or sad when your parent is dealing with depression. Manage your feelings by finding healthy outlets to release tension and recharge. Try journaling, painting, listening to music, or writing.
- Look for activities that help you relax or feel great, such as playing sports, running, or spending time with a family pet.
It’s okay to cry. Living with a depressed parent can be incredibly challenging. Your feelings are valid and real. Crying is a healthy way to release emotions and can make you feel better, as tears help eliminate stress hormones and toxins.
- Don’t feel ashamed to cry. Expressing your emotions, whether alone or in public, is not wrong.
- Give yourself the time you need to cry. If it helps, excuse yourself to a private space, like the bathroom or your bedroom.
Remember that your parent still loves you. Depression can alter your parent’s thoughts and behaviors—making them exhausted, moody, or saying things they don’t mean. They’re going through a tough time, but they still love you deeply.
Warnings
- If you don’t feel safe, prepare a nearby "safe place" you can go to or call a trusted adult for help.
