How to Cope with Emotional Abuse from Parents

Emotional abuse isn't always visible through bruises or cuts. It can be inflicted through words, and it often occurs more frequently than physical abuse. The damage it causes can be just as severe, if not worse, than physical violence. The long-term effects of emotional abuse can negatively impact a child's social, emotional, and physical well-being. If you are facing emotional abuse from your parents, the most effective method we suggest is to set boundaries for yourself and maintain some distance, if possible. You may also find it helpful to open up to others about your difficult situation. Learning how to manage stress and boost your self-esteem can also support you both in the short and long term.

Share your experience with friends and family. You’ll feel comforted when you have someone to rely on during times of abuse. Talk to them and ask for help. They can provide you with comforting words, validate your feelings, or offer advice.

• For example, you might say: 'I know this might be shocking, but my family life is really bad. My mom constantly yells at me and tells me that I'll never amount to anything. Even though it’s just words, it makes me feel horrible about myself.'
• Remember that emotional abuse often involves manipulation, making you believe no one cares about you, trusts you, or values you. However, you may be surprised by the amount of support you'll receive once you share your struggles with others.

Confide in a trusted adult. If you're a young person facing any form of abuse at home, reach out to a relative, teacher, or any adult you trust. Don’t let your parents threaten or force you to keep secrets. An adult can intervene in situations where children may not have the power to fight back.

• You might feel embarrassed or awkward sharing everything, but it’s crucial that you tell someone about the abuse. You could start by saying something like, 'I’ve been having some problems at home. Can I talk to you about it?' Or if it feels more comfortable, you might write about your feelings.
• If you’ve already spoken to a teacher or coach and they haven't helped, arrange a meeting with a school counselor to talk about your situation.
• If you don’t want to tell anyone about the abuse, you can call the 1-800-4-A-CHILD hotline in the U.S. It’s free, confidential, and available 24/7. In Vietnam, call 111 to report cases of abuse and child exploitation (replacing the previous child abuse hotline 18001567).

Seek psychological care. Emotional abuse can cause significant harm. Without treatment, you’re at high risk of low self-esteem and may struggle to form healthy relationships. Breaking the negative beliefs and thought patterns caused by emotional abuse is difficult, but a counselor or therapist can make the process easier.

• Find a therapist who specializes in cases of abuse, whether for children or adults. As therapy progresses, you’ll begin to share your experiences and become more comfortable with your therapist. They will ask questions and provide guidance to steer the therapy sessions.
• If you're a child, remember that most schools offer free, confidential counseling services. Visit the school counselor and say, 'I’m having some problems at home. My dad doesn’t physically hurt me, but he calls me names and belittles me in front of others. Can you help me with that?'
• If you're an adult, check your health insurance to see what it covers.
• Many therapists will accept payment in cash, often with a sliding scale for fees.

Refuse to be present during verbal abuse. Don’t stick around when the abuse starts. You aren’t obligated to stay, call, visit, or put yourself in any situation where you’re being abused. Don’t let your parents make you feel responsible for enduring this mistreatment. It’s essential to set boundaries and enforce them.

• Stop visiting or calling if they verbally abuse you.
• If you live with them, retreat to your room or go to a friend's house if they start yelling or insulting you.
• Set boundaries if you must keep in touch. Say, 'I’ll call once a week, but I’ll hang up immediately if you insult me.'
• Remember, you don’t have to engage in arguments if you don’t want to. You don’t have to respond to their words or try to justify yourself in any way.

Work toward financial independence. Don’t continue living with your parents while they emotionally abuse you, and don’t give them control over you. Abusers often maintain control by creating dependency. Start earning your own money, develop your own friendships, and live independently. Don’t rely on your parents for anything.

• If possible, pursue education. You might be able to get a loan for school without your parents’ involvement. This often requires a letter from a mental health professional confirming the abuse.
• Move out as soon as you’re financially able.
• If you can’t afford to finish college and need to stay with or rely on your parents, make sure to take care of yourself and maintain boundaries.

Consider cutting ties. You may feel obligated to show respect to your parents, but if they have abused you, caring for those who torment you emotionally can be extremely stressful, especially if the abuse continues. Think about distancing yourself from your parents if this relationship brings more pain than love.

• You are not obligated to care for those who have abused you.
• If others don’t understand why you need to cut ties with your parents, you’re not required to explain yourself to them.
• 'Moving on from the past' might not always be possible when dealing with your parents. If you don’t want any contact with them but fear missing the chance to reconcile, ask yourself: have they shown any willingness to listen? Have they paid attention to your feelings? If not, it’s best to avoid reaching out.
• If you choose to care for your parents to some extent, focus solely on that. If they start insulting or verbally abusing you, leave immediately to show that you won’t tolerate such behavior.

Protect your children. Don’t let your children go through what you experienced. If your parents are verbally attacking or being harsh with your kids, intervene immediately. Either end the conversation or stop visiting them altogether.

• You might end the conversation by saying: 'We don’t talk to Mai like that. If you have a problem with her eating habits, talk to me about it.' Even though adult conversations should usually happen in private, your kids need to witness you protecting them from abuse.
• Your children will have a happier childhood if they aren’t subjected to emotional abuse by their grandparents.

Avoid triggering factors for the abuser. You may have recognized certain 'triggering factors' (words or actions) that provoke your parents' anger. If you know what they are, avoiding these triggers or distancing yourself from your parents may become easier. You can talk to friends or jot down notes to identify these factors.

• For example, if your mom always scolds you when she drinks, leave the house as soon as you see her pouring a drink.
• If your dad dismisses your achievements, don’t share your successes with him anymore. Instead, talk about them with those who support you.

Find safe spaces in your home. Identify places, like your bedroom, where you can retreat to as a safe haven. Look for other spots to work or spend time, such as a library or a friend's house. You’ll not only receive support from your friends but also avoid your parents' accusations and insults.

• While it’s crucial to protect yourself from abuse, remember that none of this is your fault. No matter what you say or do, your parents have no right to emotionally torment you.

Plan for your safety. Even if it’s not physical abuse, the tension can still escalate. Create a plan to ensure your safety in case your parents become violent and you feel your life is at risk.

• A safety plan includes identifying a safe place to go, having someone to call for help, and knowing how to involve the authorities if needed. You can sit down with another trusted adult, like a school counselor, and work out a plan to be prepared for any emergencies.
• Your plan may also involve keeping your phone charged and within reach at all times, and carrying your car keys with you.

Spend time with those who make you feel good about yourself. A healthy sense of self-worth is one of the best defenses against emotional abuse. Unfortunately, those who are emotionally abused tend to have low self-esteem and often end up in relationships with emotional abusers. To combat low self-worth, surround yourself with kind people who lift you up rather than bring you down.

• You can also build your self-esteem by engaging in activities where you excel. Whether it’s a sports team or a community group, these activities not only help you feel better, but they also get you out of the house more often.

Set personal boundaries with your parents. You have the right to set boundaries in relationships. If it feels safe, sit down with your parents and explain what behaviors you will accept or reject.

• When explaining your boundaries, decide what the consequences will be if your parents ignore them. Some abusers may disregard personal boundaries, and if that happens, don’t feel guilty about following through on your warnings. It’s important to stick to what you’ve said, as empty threats will only diminish your credibility with the abuser.
• For example, you could say: 'Mom, if you come home drunk and yell at me again, I will go stay with Grandma. I want to stay with you, but your behavior scares me.'

Learn stress management skills. Emotional abuse certainly creates a lot of stress, and it can sometimes lead to long-term effects such as post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. You need to prepare yourself with effective stress management techniques.

• Healthy habits like stress management, meditation, deep breathing, and yoga can help you feel calmer and more focused each day. If you experience more severe stress symptoms, seeing a therapist might be a good way to manage stress and other emotions.

Recognize and focus on your good qualities. No matter what your parents say about you, you are a valuable person with good qualities. Don’t listen to their insults or criticisms. It may take time to fully believe this, but it’s important to build self-respect and learn to love yourself – especially if you don’t receive love from your parents.

• Think about what you like about yourself – are you a good listener? Are you generous? Intelligent? Focus on what you appreciate about yourself and remind yourself that you deserve love, respect, and care.
• Make sure you participate in activities that you enjoy and are good at to boost your self-esteem and confidence.

Understand the risk factors for abuse. Emotional abuse can happen in any family, but certain factors increase the likelihood of children experiencing emotional or physical abuse. Children of parents who abuse alcohol or drugs, have untreated mental health conditions such as bipolar disorder or depression, or were abused as children themselves are at a higher risk of becoming victims of abuse.

• Many abusive parents don’t realize that their actions are harming their children. They may not know better ways to raise their children, or they may not recognize that lashing out at their kids is a form of abuse.
• Even parents with good intentions can still be abusers.

Recognize when you are being humiliated or disrespected by your parents. An abuser may claim they are just joking, but this kind of behavior is no laughing matter. If your parents frequently belittle you, make you the butt of their jokes, or ignore your ideas and concerns, you are truly experiencing emotional abuse.

• For example, if your father says, 'You’re a good-for-nothing. I swear, you’ll never amount to anything,' that’s verbal abuse.
• Parents may do this in private or in front of others, making you feel terrible about yourself.

Assess whether you often feel controlled by your parents. If your parents are constantly trying to control the smallest of your actions, get angry when you make your own decisions, or dismiss your abilities and opinions, their behavior is a form of abuse.

• These types of abusers often treat their victims as if they are incapable of making good choices or being responsible for themselves.
• Your parents may try to make decisions for you. For example, your mother might go to school and ask the career counselor about a university you have no interest in applying to.
• While parents may believe they are simply 'raising' you, their actions are abusive.

Ask yourself if you are often blamed or criticized for things going wrong. Some people place unrealistic expectations on their victims and never take responsibility for their own mistakes.

• Abusers like this will always find a way to blame you for everything, even things that no reasonable person would criticize you for. They might say you’re the cause of their problems, which allows them to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions and emotions. They will also make you feel responsible for their feelings.
• For example, if your mother blames you for her having to abandon her singing career, she is holding you accountable for something that’s not your fault.
• If your parents say that their marriage fell apart 'because of the kids,' they are blaming you for their inability to manage their own lives.
• Blaming others for things they didn’t cause is a form of abuse.

Observe if you are often punished with silence. Parents who distance themselves from their children and fail to meet their emotional needs are also considered to be committing child abuse.

• Do your parents ignore you when you do something that bothers them? Do they show little interest in your activities or emotions, or deliberately blame you for the emotional distance between you two?
• Love should never be something you have to fight for. This is abuse.

Reflect on whether your parents truly care about what’s best for you. Some parents, particularly those with narcissistic tendencies, might view you merely as an accessory to their lives. These individuals may not actually seek what is best for you, even if they believe they are always concerned for your well-being.

• Signs of this behavior include: disregarding your boundaries, manipulating you into doing what they believe is 'best,' and feeling upset when you don’t adhere to their rigid standards.
• They often feel uncomfortable when you gain attention and will attempt to shift the focus back onto themselves.
• For instance, a single parent might say, 'Well, you need to go hang out with your friends while I have to sit at home alone. You’re always neglecting me.' This is a form of abuse.

Recognize normal parenting behaviors. Children and teenagers will inevitably make mistakes; it’s a natural part of human development. At times when you need guidance, support, or discipline, parents are required to step in. What’s important is distinguishing between discipline and abuse.

• Generally, you can differentiate between abuse and discipline by observing the level of anger expressed. Parents typically get upset or frustrated when you break rules.
• However, if anger becomes the dominant force in behavior or punishment, parents may easily cross the line into abusive behavior. Abuse involves words or actions that are harsh, intentional, and meant to cause harm.
• Although you might not enjoy strict discipline, understand that parents enforce rules and issue warnings to protect you and guide you towards positive growth.
• You can look at your friends who have healthy relationships with their parents. What are the common traits of these relationships? How do their parents offer support and discipline?