Buzz
Hurtful words can leave a lasting impact, especially when they come from someone close to your heart. If you're struggling to move past something painful your husband said, take heart. There are strategies you can use to process your emotions and begin to heal. In this article, we’ll guide you through effective ways to overcome the hurt.
Actionable Steps
Embrace your emotions.
Suppressing your feelings won’t make them go away. To truly move forward, you need to recognize and validate your emotions. Take time to reflect on how your husband’s words made you feel.
- You could say to yourself, “I feel deeply hurt right now. There’s a mix of embarrassment and anger in my heart.”
- Show yourself compassion. Harsh words can cut deeply, and it’s entirely okay to feel upset when someone you care about says something unkind.
Share your feelings with him.
Don’t let your emotions build up. You’ll feel much lighter once you express your feelings—and it will help prevent you from exploding later on. Choose a moment when both of you are calm, and gently communicate how you feel without blaming him.
- Use “I” statements to avoid putting him on the defensive. For example, say, “I felt really hurt when you called me immature during our argument earlier.”
- Avoid attacking his character or using accusatory language like, “You’re such a jerk!” or “You always make me feel crazy.”
- If speaking to him face-to-face is too difficult, consider writing a letter to convey your feelings instead.
Hear his side of the story.
Once you’ve expressed yourself, give him space to share his thoughts. Resist interrupting or walking away if you’re not happy with what he’s saying. Instead, focus on truly understanding his point of view. By listening carefully, he may be more open to listening to you, and it could offer insight into why he said those hurtful words in the first place.
- To show you’re engaged, try paraphrasing his words. For instance, “I hear you saying that you felt insecure because you thought I was talking down to you, and that led you to say those things.”
- While asking open-ended questions is important for active listening, make sure to focus on what he’s saying first, rather than thinking about your next response.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 417 Mytour readers about how they show they’re actively listening, and only 11% of them said they like to ask thoughtful questions. [Take Poll]
Let him know what you need for healing.
Phrase your request gently, not as a demand. This approach encourages positive communication and can help avoid a repeat of the same issue in the future. Express to your husband what you need, whether it’s an apology, a promise not to use hurtful words again, or simply acknowledging your feelings.
- You might say, “It would really mean a lot to me if you could promise not to call me names during an argument. Next time, just tell me how you’re feeling instead.”
Make an effort to see things from his perspective.
Consider both sides of the situation to gain a clearer view. While you’re not responsible for someone else’s hurtful words, trying to empathize can provide valuable insights. Think about what your husband might have been experiencing when he said what he did, and how you may have contributed to the situation.
- Understanding his perspective and recognizing your own role in the argument doesn’t mean excusing his words or blaming yourself. It simply gives you a better understanding of how to approach similar situations in the future.
- For example, you might realize that your husband reacts strongly when criticized, perhaps because of his past experiences with overly critical parents. Keeping that in mind, you could approach criticism more gently next time.
Remind yourself that your emotions are within your control.
Your feelings are yours to own. While others' actions can influence how you feel, your emotions ultimately come from within you, not from anyone else. That doesn’t mean your husband’s words are excusable, but accepting responsibility for your own feelings can empower you to manage how you react to them.
- For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “He made me feel terrible,” try shifting your thought to, “I felt terrible when he said that.” This small change in mindset can reduce the emotional weight of the situation.
- Similarly, remember that his words, thoughts, and feelings are his alone. You cannot control what he says or feels, which means you are not at fault for the hurtful things he said to you.
- Don’t internalize his words. They reflect more about him than they do about you. If you think, “He’s right. I always mess things up,” change it to, “I make mistakes sometimes, like everyone, but I work hard and try my best. I also get things right often.”
Practice compassion through meditation.
Focusing on compassion for your husband can help ease your hurt. Often, hurtful words stem from personal pain or fear. Instead of dwelling on your anger, try reflecting on the emotions that might have driven your husband’s actions. Spend some time meditating on this and send him thoughts of love and healing.
- For example, during meditation, visualize your husband and think, “May you find happiness. May you experience peace. May your suffering be relieved.”
- You can also focus on self-compassion meditation to relax and cultivate positivity when his hurtful words weigh on you.
Breathe deeply and slowly when his words come to mind.
Use your body to manage stress when his words resurface. If you notice tension in areas like your shoulders or neck, consciously relax those muscles. Breathe deeply, imagining the tension leaving your body with every exhale.
- Work progressively, starting with one area, such as your shoulders, and then moving on to your hands or arms.
- Repeat this breathing and relaxation exercise as often as necessary. Over time, it will help you feel calmer when you think about his words.
Compose a letter of forgiveness.
Writing down your thoughts can amplify their power. If you're committed to forgiving your husband and moving forward, consider writing him a letter expressing your decision. You don’t have to give it to him—sometimes just the act of writing it can provide the closure you need.
- For instance, you might write, “What you said really hurt, but I understand that you were speaking in the heat of the moment and didn’t truly mean it. I’ve made the choice to forgive you for those words.”
Start a gratitude journal.
Write down the positive actions he takes. Our brains often gravitate toward the negative, but you can counterbalance this tendency by focusing on the good. To help manage your hurt, take a moment to acknowledge and jot down a few kind things your husband has done or said recently.
- For example, you could note, “I appreciate that my husband complimented how I looked this morning, made me coffee, and fixed the bathroom sink.”
Seek support from a therapist if you’re feeling overwhelmed.
If you find it hard to move past his words, therapy can offer guidance. If possible, ask your husband to attend therapy with you. A therapist can help both of you address the deeper issues in your relationship and improve your communication.
- If your husband isn’t open to attending, you can still benefit from individual therapy. A therapist can help you develop stronger coping strategies.
- Seek a therapist with experience in relationship counseling. Your doctor may be able to offer recommendations.
Important Caution
- If your husband consistently uses words to hurt, demean, or threaten you, this could indicate a pattern of emotional abuse. If you believe you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, seek guidance from a therapist, doctor, or a trusted person who can offer support and advice.
