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There are various reasons why you might feel resentment toward someone. They could have hurt you in the past, taken advantage of you, or you might feel envious of what they have or the success they've achieved. However, holding onto those negative emotions like anger and resentment can start to wear you down. Fortunately, with some effort and self-reflection, you can start processing these feelings in a healthier way. Over time, you might even come to terms with the past and find it easier to forgive the other person.
Steps
Acknowledge and embrace your emotions.
Give yourself permission to feel instead of suppressing your emotions. When you're struggling with negative emotions such as anger, hurt, disappointment, jealousy, or resentment, allow yourself to fully experience them. Ignoring or repressing these feelings only causes them to fester inside, leading to deeper resentment over time. By letting yourself feel what you're experiencing, it becomes easier to release those emotions in the long run.
- Try to identify what you're feeling. For example, say aloud, “I’m really upset/angry/sad about what was said.”
- Don’t judge your emotions or worry about whether they are “right” or “wrong”—just acknowledge that they are part of your current experience.
- If you've been holding your emotions back for a long time, expect them to resurface as you confront your feelings of resentment. Be kind and patient with yourself during this process!
Examine the root cause of your resentment.
What triggered these feelings and why? Sometimes the reason for your resentment is clear, such as when someone has hurt you in a noticeable way. Other times, the root cause may be harder to pinpoint—resentment can build up over time, or you may feel envious of what someone else has. It's crucial to identify the true cause before you can begin addressing it. Here are some questions to help uncover the source of your resentment:
- When did these feelings first arise?
- Was there a particular event or a series of events that contributed to how you feel?
- Are you directing these emotions toward one person, such as a partner, or several, like family members?
- If you're feeling resentment toward your partner for not helping with chores, it might be rooted in feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated.
- Sometimes, the person you're resenting may have unintentionally triggered an insecurity or unresolved issue you already had. For example, you might resent a friend because of their perfect family, which may be bringing up struggles in your own family relationships.
Create a plan for how to handle things going forward.
How you respond to situations can also fuel your resentment. For example, you might feel regret for not standing up for yourself when someone disrespected you or failed to support you. Instead of dwelling on what you didn't do, take the opportunity to plan how you'll react in similar situations in the future. This proactive approach can not only prevent future resentment but also help you release some of the anger you're holding onto now.
- If you feel you should have spoken up, practice how you'll do so next time someone crosses a line.
- If envy is at the heart of your resentment, work on accepting what you feel is missing from your life, and try to shift towards being happy for others rather than harboring jealousy.
Interrupt negative thoughts immediately.
Interrupt negative thought patterns when past events replay in your mind. Since resentment often stems from past experiences, it's common to find yourself repeatedly reliving old wounds. When this happens, make an effort to redirect your attention—focus on the present moment or think about steps you can take to prevent similar situations in the future. Breaking these thought cycles can be challenging, especially in the heat of the moment, but with persistence, it becomes easier over time.
- When you notice these thoughts surfacing, try to distract yourself by engaging in an activity—whether it’s calling a friend, taking a walk, or tackling a tough puzzle.
Express your feelings in writing.
Write a letter or journal entry to process your resentment. Writing can help you organize your thoughts and uncover the underlying causes of your resentment. Don’t stress about perfect structure—just allow your feelings to flow onto the page. Reflect on why you're resentful, how it's affecting you now, and any past events that have made the situation particularly painful.
- As you write, consider viewing the situation from the other person’s perspective—did they intentionally hurt you, or were they unaware? Or perhaps, you may realize that they aren't responsible for your feelings, and your resentment is more about past experiences than their actions.
Share your feelings with someone you trust.
Talk to a close friend or family member. Open up about your feelings of resentment—express how it’s impacting you and why it continues to bother you. Getting these emotions out will not only make you feel better, but it might also offer you a new perspective on the situation. The person you're talking to might provide valuable insights to help you understand things differently.
- For example, in the conversation, you might realize that you need to be more assertive about your needs with your partner, or your friend could help you come up with ideas to improve your career and stop resenting your sister's success.
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Start QuizExplore More QuizzesDiscover healthy outlets for your emotions.
Engage in a hobby or activity that helps you release your emotions. While it's important to process your feelings, it's also essential to find ways to release them afterward. This prevents them from building up into long-lasting resentment. Fortunately, there are numerous methods to let go of pent-up emotions. Finding what works best for you might take some experimentation, so don’t worry if it takes time. Here are some options:
- Exercise: go for a walk, run, hike, or enjoy a sport you love
- Physical relaxation: deep breathing, yoga, or progressive muscle relaxation
- Prayer or meditation
- Social activism (particularly if your resentment relates to larger societal issues)
Have a conversation with the person if there's room for change.
Be direct and clear in your request. If the person’s behavior is bothering you—whether it’s something they’re doing or not doing—it might help to address it directly. Use "I" statements to express how you feel, and then be specific about what you'd like from them moving forward.
- If your partner is spending more time with friends than with you, say, "I feel lonely and would love to feel like a priority again. Can we set aside one night a week just for us?"
- You may also need to practice assertiveness when others aren’t respecting your boundaries, like when your boss is undermining you at work.
- If they start treating you better after the conversation, it could help ease some of your resentment. If not, it might indicate that distancing yourself is the better choice.
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How do you approach communication with someone you resent?
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Take the QuizExplore More QuizzesKeep your expectations of others realistic.
Avoid idealizing others and accept them for who they truly are. It's natural to have certain hopes or expectations for the people around us, but the reality is they often fall short. This can lead to feelings of resentment. If you find yourself feeling frustrated, it might help to reframe how you view the other person—ask yourself if you’re holding on to an image of who you want them to be, instead of appreciating them for their true self.
- Rather than feeling let down because your partner didn’t buy you an anniversary gift, focus on the other ways they express their love. Perhaps they always make sure your laundry is ready, or they’re a supportive presence when you need to talk.
- It can also be helpful to express your desires clearly, but remember, change takes time and patience.
Consider forgiving the person if they’ve hurt you.
It may be challenging, but it's possible. Holding onto anger and grudges only keeps you stuck in the past, causing your resentment to fester. On the other hand, forgiveness allows you to let go and move on, freeing you from the negativity you’ve been carrying. It’s not always easy, but allowing yourself to soften and release that anger is key to healing.
- Mark the act of forgiveness with something symbolic, like writing a letter to the person and then destroying it. Or, simply look at the person and say, "I forgive you."
- Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you need to keep them in your life. It’s okay to let go of toxic relationships if the other person is unwilling to change.
- Sometimes, forgiveness just means walking away from the person who has wronged you without guilt or carrying the weight of the past.
- Reader Poll: We surveyed 959 Mytour readers who’ve been hurt by a loved one, and 49% of them said they would respond by cutting that person off. [Take Poll] So, if this person has deeply hurt you and isn’t open to change, it may be time to forgive and move on.
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What might make it easier for you to forgive someone you're holding resentment towards?
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Start QuizExplore More QuizzesIf you feel like you need more support, consider seeing a mental health professional.
If you're struggling to let go and forgive, talking to a therapist can be helpful. There's a common saying in 12-step programs: "Holding on to a resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." If left unresolved, this negative emotion can make you more irritable, anxious, and depressed, and might even impact your other relationships. A qualified therapist can guide you through strategies to manage these feelings and help you begin the process of healing.
