Buzz
If you're dating a lawyer or considering it, be ready to make some life adjustments. Their unique professional demands mean things won't always go according to plan. But with a flexible mindset, openness to thoughtful debates, and a commitment to preserving your own space, you can build a long-lasting and fulfilling relationship.
Steps
Adapting to Their Schedule
Offer understanding when they need to cancel plans. Lawyers frequently find themselves working late unexpectedly. If they have to cancel a date night, show empathy and acknowledge their challenging situation. Rather than feeling upset, express your understanding.
- For example, you might say, “I know this is beyond your control. Let’s make plans for this weekend!”
Have a backup plan for when dates are canceled. You'll be less likely to feel frustrated if your lawyer has to cancel a date if you already have an alternate plan in mind. Reach out to a friend for an impromptu drink or suggest staying in with pizza.
- If no one is free, treat yourself to something enjoyable, like new shoes or a book you’ve been wanting to read.
Surprise them at their office. If your dinner plans are canceled because they need to work late, grab takeout from their favorite restaurant and bring it to their office. Just be sure their boss is fine with you sticking around to share the meal. This way, you’ll get extra time together while they can still keep up with their work.
Organize exciting weekend outings. Lawyers often work long hours during the week, so they look forward to relaxing on weekends. Instead of staying in and watching TV, plan activities like visiting street festivals, going to museums, enjoying picnics, watching movies, or trying new restaurants.
- Be aware that if they have a heavy workload, weekend dates may be canceled as well. Avoid making non-refundable commitments for these plans.
Attend their formal events. Lawyers frequently attend formal work events and parties that require dressy attire. Show your support for their career by attending as many of these events as possible. Don’t pressure them to leave early, as they may be trying to impress their boss.
- Update your wardrobe to include more formal options so you don’t have to wear the same outfit repeatedly. If buying new clothes isn’t an option, look into renting through services like Rent the Runway.
Having Healthy Conversations
Engage in debates with them. Lawyers are skilled debaters, and this trait extends beyond the workplace. They enjoy engaging in lively discussions, so if they challenge your point of view, don't take it to heart. Stand your ground and present your argument clearly.
- Support your argument with credible sources, data, and maintain an objective tone instead of letting emotions cloud your reasoning.
- Don't let their law degree intimidate you. Be confident in your own knowledge, and don't shy away from discussing a variety of topics.
Set boundaries on sensitive subjects. Identify topics you want to avoid, such as politics, religion, or family matters. If you're open to discussing anything, great! But if you'd prefer to steer clear of certain topics, be honest about it. Your date should respect these boundaries if something makes you uncomfortable.
Establish a rule about discussing work during dates. Decide together whether work-related topics will be part of your dates or if you'll keep work out of the relationship. Some couples find it better to leave work behind, while others enjoy talking about their professional lives. Have this discussion early on, ideally by the second date.
- For instance, you could say, "Work is stressful for me. Can we avoid talking about it when we're out?"
Learn some legal jargon. Lawyers often use 'legalese'—their specialized language—which can include unfamiliar terms when they discuss their work. To avoid constantly asking what terms mean, familiarize yourself with common legal vocabulary and even basic Latin.
- Check out books like Merriam Webster's Dictionary of Law or a beginner's guide to Latin.
- Some common legal terms include affidavit, de facto, habeas corpus, fiduciary, corpus juris, and ex parte.
Clarify the relationship. Lawyers appreciate clear communication, so avoid playing games. Be upfront about your feelings and where you see the relationship heading. They might not express themselves in overly romantic terms, but they'll value your honesty and likely respond in kind.
- For example, after a great first date, you could say, "I had a great time. When can we meet again?"
- After several dates, try saying, "I'm really enjoying this and I’m not interested in seeing anyone else."
Speak up when you're hurt. It's important to let go of frustration as much as possible—missed dates, long hours, and stress come with the territory. But if something truly bothers you, don’t hold it in. Clearly communicate the behavior or situation that upset you, avoiding generalizations like 'You always...' or 'You never...'.
- For instance, you could say, "That comment really hurt me," or "That was an important date for me, and I’m disappointed it was missed."
EXPERT ADVICE
Sarah Schewitz, PsyD
Licensed Psychologist
Licensed Psychologist
Express your feelings if you feel your partner is overworking, but be understanding. Relationship expert Dr. Sarah Schewitz suggests: "If your partner is dedicating a lot of time to their job, ask them about their long-term goals and when they hope to achieve them. You might discover they're working hard to secure a future for both of you. Supporting their career can lead to rewards later, but if you make it difficult, you might jeopardize that future."
Maintaining Your Autonomy
Prioritize your own career or hobbies. A lawyer is more likely to enjoy being with someone who shares the same passion for their career or personal interests. Instead of waiting by the phone, discover what you love and dedicate more time to it. Whether it’s staying late at work if you’re passionate about your job, or taking extra time to paint or run after hours, make sure you’re pursuing what makes you happy.
Don’t be afraid to make them wait for you. Just as your partner doesn’t drop everything when you ask, don’t feel the need to do the same when they become free. Avoid dropping your plans just because they have a sudden opening in their schedule. And you don’t need to have your phone on you constantly in case they call.
Invite them to your events. They might not always be able to join your work functions or family gatherings, but extend the invitation whenever you can to show that you have an active life of your own. Whether it’s birthday parties, art exhibitions, work dinners, or volunteer activities, invite them along to share in what matters to you.
Hang out with friends outside of their circle. Avoid the trap of spending all your time with your partner and their lawyer friends. If you don’t nurture your own friendships, you’ll end up feeling isolated. Stay connected with your old friends by catching up with them regularly and making time to meet for dinner once or twice a month.
Things to Watch Out For
- Make sure you're comfortable with spending significant time apart. If you frequently feel lonely or disconnected in the relationship, a lawyer may not be the right match for you.
