How to Date Someone Who Has Children

Ask yourself if you are ready to take on this responsibility. If you are seeking a serious relationship, the child must always be part of your considerations. Dating someone with children can be incredibly demanding. So, be honest with yourself: are you prepared for this commitment?

• Children, especially young ones, will always come first for their parents. Plans and dates might change last minute to accommodate the child’s schedule. You may need to compromise more than you’d like and accept less time with your partner than you desire.
• When children are involved from a previous relationship, the ex-partner may remain a part of their life. Unless they are completely out of the picture, your partner will likely maintain some level of contact with them. Are you comfortable with the boundaries between them? Do you suspect lingering romantic feelings? As the relationship progresses, you may need to interact with the ex. Consider this before pursuing a serious relationship with a single parent.
• Many parents are cautious about romantic relationships, especially in the beginning. Parenthood makes everything more significant. Emotional turmoil in a relationship can disrupt daily life, affecting their ability to care for their child. Things may move slower when dating someone with children because caution is essential for them.

Let them set the boundaries. You should ask about limits regarding the child before any issues arise. They might hesitate to bring it up themselves, so they’ll appreciate it if you politely inquire about their expectations for your relationship with the child.

• Boundaries can be simple, such as accepting how much time they dedicate to their children. They might want you to understand that weeknight outings are off-limits or that dates might only happen biweekly. Respect and empathize with these limits.
• There may also be boundaries around when you can meet the child. Your partner might not explicitly state this, and they may not provide a clear timeline. Avoid pushing or demanding an introduction too soon. It’s important to show them that you’re happy to meet the child whenever they feel ready.

Maintain a positive outlook. When dating someone with children, try not to see it as a burden or extra baggage. Focus on the positive aspects of the situation.

• Having children often gives them a unique perspective on life, one that might be entirely new to you. Dating them can be an exciting way to broaden your horizons and embrace different ways of thinking. The child’s presence may influence how they view work, life, and responsibilities. Treat this as an opportunity for personal growth.
• While you might not spend as much time together as you’d like, the time you do share will be more meaningful. You’ll value each moment and make an effort to ensure it’s special. You might find yourselves communicating more through phone calls and emails, which can lead to deeper conversations and a stronger emotional connection.
• You might also discover that activities for children can be enjoyable for adults too. As the relationship progresses, you could find yourself enjoying trips to fairs, amusement parks, or engaging children’s movies.

Observe how they interact with their child. Feeling comfortable with their parenting style is crucial. If you disagree with how they parent, for any reason, it’s not a good sign for a lasting relationship.

• Remember, when dating them, you’re becoming part of a family. You need to feel genuinely comfortable with their family dynamics. Pay close attention and ensure there are no red flags in how they behave and interact as a family.
• Discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a bad parent. However, disagreeing with their parenting approach is a serious concern. You might feel out of place in their family. They might prioritize different values than you do. They might raise their child with strong beliefs that don’t align with yours. They might focus heavily on goals and success, while you’re more laid-back and free-spirited.

Be a role model for kindness and empathy. If you’re unfamiliar with children, you might feel unsure about how to act around them. The good news is that you don’t need to be a perfect parent figure right away. Simply being a strong, positive adult role model is enough.

• In front of the child, always be on your best behavior. Say "please" and "thank you," and act respectfully. Listen when the child speaks. Offer to help with small tasks, like washing dishes after a meal or taking out the trash.
• Treat your partner with kindness and respect in the child’s presence. Show the child how to treat others by being polite and considerate to their parent.
• Kindness can be shown in small ways. Compliment the child. If they show you something they’ve done at school, respond positively and praise their efforts. If there’s a pet in the house, be kind to it—feed it and interact with it gently.

Be patient and authentic during initial interactions. Children can sense when you're pretending to be someone you're not. Many people try too hard to be overly friendly or cool, which can come off as insincere. Simply be yourself and give the child time to get comfortable with you.

• Stay true to yourself during the first meeting. You want the child to know the real you, not a fabricated version. While it's important to use appropriate language and topics, there's no need to completely alter your personality.
• Ask the child about their school, hobbies, and friends. While it's common to want to learn about their interests, the simplest and most effective way to connect is through genuine conversation.
• Understand that the child might feel stressed meeting you. This is completely normal. Initially, they might even act rudely. Respond to any hostility with kindness and patience, recognizing it as a natural part of the adjustment period.

Be flexible. Children are full of surprises and unpredictability. If you're not naturally adaptable, practice tolerance. Plans might change due to sports events, parent-teacher meetings, or sudden illnesses. Show empathy towards your partner in these situations and be willing to adjust plans to meet the child's needs.

Involve the child in some activities. Once your partner seems comfortable with your relationship with their child, start including the child in certain activities. Planning dates around child-friendly events or outings can help your partner feel less torn between you and their child.

• Consider activities like bowling, skating, or other sports. These are great ways to have fun together. If there's a local fair or festival, suggest going together.
• If you enjoy movies, pick a family-friendly film that appeals to both you and your partner. Many films aimed at children are also enjoyable for adults.
• Plan home-based activities, especially on weekends. If going out on a Wednesday night is difficult, suggest a family night at home with dinner or pizza and board games.

Let the relationship with the child develop naturally. Many people want to quickly become close with their partner's child, especially as the relationship becomes more serious. While this is important, genuine affection can't be forced. Allow the relationship to grow at its own pace.

• Let your partner set the pace. If they're only comfortable with you meeting their child once or twice a month initially, respect that.
• Let your partner decide how to introduce you. They might refer to you as just a friend. Be understanding and don't push for titles like 'boyfriend' or 'girlfriend' if your partner isn't ready.

Never criticize your partner's parenting. Remember, you're not the parent yet—you're just the boyfriend or girlfriend. Even if you disagree with certain decisions, it's not your place to criticize or interfere. Support your partner in their parenting role without judgment.

Have an open discussion about moving forward. After some time, perhaps a month, you might want to take the next step. This can be more complicated when a child is involved, making it essential to have an honest conversation about the future of the relationship.

• Define the terms and conditions of the relationship. Over time, expectations naturally form in any relationship. However, there comes a point where you should openly discuss what each person is hoping for. How serious are you about each other? Can you envision a future together? If so, how should you proceed? If not, is it worth continuing to date?
• Physical intimacy can become more complicated with a child in the picture. You may need to wait until the child is not at home, and overnight stays might be off the table. Your partner may not feel comfortable allowing you to stay overnight until you’ve been together for a while. Respect their boundaries and wishes.

Have a serious conversation about the future. If you’re in a committed relationship with someone who has a child, a discussion about the future is crucial. You need to understand where you stand in their family dynamic.

• Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? Do you share similar goals regarding family and career? Are you aligned on parenting styles? Can any significant differences between you be resolved harmoniously?
• In the case of engagement or marriage, what role will you play in the child’s life? Will you have legal guardianship? Will the child call you "Dad," "Mom," or simply by your first name?
• Meeting your partner’s ex. At this point, the child’s other parent will likely want to meet you. They’ll want to know who you are, as their child will be spending a lot of time with you. Discuss with your partner how to approach this meeting and how you should behave.

Consider the role of a step-parent. In the event of marriage or engagement, you’ll become a step-parent to the child. Ensure you’re ready to take on this responsibility.

• Remember, needs come before wants. As a step-parent, you’re no longer just a friend to the child. You’ll need to set rules, encourage them to complete chores and homework, and ensure they go to bed on time.
• You and your partner will need to establish new family traditions. Becoming a step-parent means creating a brand-new family unit. To help the child feel like part of the family, introduce activities like game nights, family dinners, and special holiday events.
• Maintain open communication with your partner. It’s unlikely you’ll always agree on parenting decisions. Keep the lines of communication open throughout your relationship to resolve any disagreements smoothly.

• If you're uncomfortable with your partner's parenting style due to suspicions of child abuse, you should contact Child Protective Services.