Buzz
A difficult mother-in-law can truly be a challenge for many wives. She might intervene in your parenting, make you feel uncomfortable at home, and sometimes even strain your relationship with your spouse. Often, a strict mother-in-law is driven by anxiety and insecurity, so try not to take it personally or jump to conclusions. To handle a difficult mother-in-law, it's crucial to talk with your husband to find a solution together. Once you both agree on a strategy, present a unified front to show that you're both serious about addressing the issue and deserve respect.
Steps
Connect with Your Husband
Have a conversation with your husband to determine if your mother-in-law has always been difficult or if this behavior is something new, specifically directed towards you. If she’s naturally critical, strict, or enjoys arguments, it’s about finding ways to manage and cope with that. However, if her behavior has changed recently and seems to target you, there might be a deeper reason that needs addressing. You should discuss it with your husband to gain more understanding of your mother-in-law’s behavior.
If you feel uncomfortable discussing this, you could approach it like this: ‘I’d like to talk with you about how your mom treats me. I don’t want to argue, but I’d appreciate discussing if there’s a way we can resolve this together.’
Advice: You will have a better chance of success if you address this issue together with your husband. Your husband and mother-in-law likely share similar viewpoints, and if you don't behave respectfully towards your mother-in-law, it could harm your relationship with your husband.
Suggest that your husband stand by your side or speak to his mother if the issue seems to be directed at you alone. Having both of you speak up will help your mother-in-law realize that her behavior is unacceptable. If your husband takes the lead in addressing this, it shows that both of you recognize that things are not right. You could suggest that he have a private conversation with his mother to uncover the root cause of the issue. If he’s reluctant to get involved in the situation between you and his mother, ask him to at least support you when his mother behaves unfairly.
- Ask your husband about his private conversation with his mother, as this might reveal the underlying cause of the problem.
- You can tell him, 'I really think it would be easier if you talk to your mom. If you speak with her first to find out why she's treating me this way, it will be much easier for me to have a conversation with her afterwards.'
Work with your husband to agree on a solution. Don’t rush into discussing or debating with your mother-in-law without first consulting your husband. If you act or argue without aligning with your husband, it could cause tension. For the best chance of success, discuss with your husband how both of you should approach, address, or avoid the issue together.
- Even if you plan to resolve the matter by speaking with your mother-in-law alone, it’s important to talk to your husband first. He may offer advice or tips on how to handle the conversation, and you should inform him beforehand since your mother-in-law may talk to him after speaking with you.
Dealing with a Controlling Mother-in-Law
Avoid addressing the issue privately. Your mother-in-law's controlling behavior often stems from her desire to care for her child. If you bring up this issue without your husband present, she may feel that you are betraying her trust and not considering her feelings.
- She may also lack confidence in your decisions, so speaking to her alone could backfire and lead to an argument.
Explain why you're not following your mother-in-law's requests. If your mother-in-law tends to make many demands, calmly explain why you're not following them to avoid her feeling intentionally upset. Ignoring these requests may lead to more tension. By explaining, you not only show that you're willing to stand up for your own views but also point out things she might not have considered, helping her understand your perspective.
- For example, if your mother-in-law thinks you're not showing enough appreciation for your husband, calmly explain: 'I always express my love for him privately, not in front of you. I don't want to disrespect you by showing affection in front of you.'
- If your mother-in-law keeps asking when you're going to give her a grandchild, you could explain that you've thought about it and want to wait until you're financially prepared to give the child the best life possible: 'We’ll wait until we have saved enough to ensure our child will have the best possible future.'
Discuss important matters when your mother-in-law is not around. If your mother-in-law often interferes with significant decisions between you and your spouse, wait until she's out of the room or busy to discuss these matters. This way, she won't interrupt.
- 'We can talk about this later' is a simple way to shift conversations you prefer not to have in front of your mother-in-law.
Advice: Agree on a subtle signal with your husband so he knows when you need to speak privately. This could be a simple gesture, like a light tug on the ear, or a harmless phrase like 'We need to go pick up some more essentials.' This will allow you to talk without upsetting your mother-in-law, who will understand that you want a private conversation without her being present.
Show appreciation for your husband in front of your mother-in-law. If your mother-in-law frequently criticizes you, try showing your respect and affection for your husband when she’s around. This might help her feel more at ease, knowing that both of you share a common goal of making her son happy.
- Simple phrases like, 'Thank you for picking up the kids today. You're the most thoughtful husband!' can help you score points with your mother-in-law.
- This approach is especially useful if she’s dissatisfied with your loyalty and affection towards your husband. Demonstrating how much you care for her son will make her more comfortable and less likely to interfere in your relationship.
Dealing with a Mother-in-Law Who Likes to Argue or Criticize
Talk to your mother-in-law to identify the root of the problem. You could invite your mother-in-law for coffee or lunch and explain that you don’t want any emotional distance between you and truly respect her. Calmly express that it seems you two are arguing too much, and you’re unsure how to improve the situation. The answer may not meet your expectations, but you’ll gain a better understanding of what’s going on.
- If your mother-in-law completely denies any arguments with you, she may not be aware of her actions and might not be intentionally criticizing you. In that case, you don’t need to discuss it further but just observe if her behavior changes after addressing the issue.
- If she admits to disliking you and states that nothing will change, show that you are a worthy partner to her son by avoiding arguments and accepting the differences in your perspectives.
Advice: The issue might not be your fault at all; your mother-in-law could be venting her frustration due to a disagreement with your father-in-law or stress at work. If that’s the case, be willing to offer support when needed, and your mother-in-law may stop putting the blame on you.
Suggest your husband talk to your mother-in-law if she’s not open to discussion. If addressing the issue without conflict is difficult, ask your husband to speak to her. Request that he help her feel calmer and more open, as she may not be comfortable discussing her concerns with you directly.
- If your mother-in-law’s communication isn’t constructive, avoid engaging in an argument. She might be trying to provoke a conflict, and letting her win this way could set a negative precedent.
Stand up for yourself when your mother-in-law criticizes you publicly. If your mother-in-law criticizes you in front of your husband or children, confidently show that you will not allow her to treat you unfairly. With a firm yet respectful tone, point out that her behavior is inappropriate, focusing on her actions rather than the issue she is criticizing.
- For example, if she criticizes you by saying: 'You really don’t know how to tidy up! How can you be so messy?' you could reply: 'Mom, I don’t know why you think it’s okay to embarrass me in front of my husband, but this is not acceptable. Please stop.'
- Tell her that you’d prefer to discuss the matter at another time in private. You could say: 'We can have a serious conversation about this later, but right now I don’t want to argue with you in front of guests.'
Know when to stay calm and demonstrate that your mother-in-law is causing the problem. If your mother-in-law argues with you in front of guests over trivial matters, let her speak and respond briefly. She will reveal herself as the one who is angry, while you maintain your calm and composure. This might also help her calm down when she sees you not reacting.
- This approach is particularly useful if your husband doesn’t believe that your mother enjoys causing trouble.
- If your mother-in-law says something like: 'I can’t believe you didn’t sign the kids up for summer camp. How could you be so thoughtless?' you can respond: 'You say I’m thoughtless with the kids, could you explain that further?' and let her continue talking. Others will see you as someone who listens and respects others’ opinions, while your mother-in-law will come across as someone who likes to argue.
Dealing with a Traditional Mother-in-Law
Have a private conversation to identify the root cause of the issue. You could invite your mother-in-law for coffee or lunch and address the matter when it’s just the two of you. Begin by explaining that you’re not upset or sad, but you’re curious why she tends to be so critical. Perhaps there is a reason behind it, and discussing it collaboratively could help you find a solution more easily.
- Start the conversation by focusing on yourself. You might say: 'I’d like to sit down with you and talk about something that’s been bothering me lately.' This shows that you are the one experiencing the issue, not her, and it can prevent the conversation from escalating into an argument.
Advice: If your mother-in-law holds prejudices against your culture or religion, try to remain calm. Say something like, 'I deeply respect your beliefs and thoughts, and I believe it’s important for you to respect mine in return.'
Take criticism as advice and respond gently. If your mother-in-law criticizes your style or beliefs, consider it as a suggestion rather than a purposeful critique. By viewing it as a matter of differing perspectives, the level of criticism will often lessen, and the conversation will be less tense.
- Some responses you can offer include: 'I’ll need to think about that more,' 'Your perspective is certainly worth considering,' or 'I understand why you feel that way, I’ll take some time to reflect on it.'
Express your views and set boundaries when your mother-in-law’s behavior goes too far. If your mother-in-law comments on topics like religion, culture, politics, or class, it’s important to set clear boundaries and assert your opinions. By standing firm in your position, she will be forced to confront her own beliefs. If she doesn’t want to do so—usually the case—she will likely refrain from bringing up sensitive topics in the future.
- Maintain a firm yet respectful attitude. For example, if your mother-in-law insists that you visit a temple, you could say: 'I have no objection to your religious beliefs, but you don’t have the right to criticize mine. I won’t accept being pressured in this way, so please don’t bring it up again.'
Handling Parenting Issues
Seek advice on parenting even if you don't intend to follow it. Your mother-in-law likely has some experience in child-rearing, so she might feel disrespected if you ignore or reject her advice. Consider asking her opinion on how to teach children to swim or how to prepare them for school. Even if you don’t follow her suggestions, it will make her feel valued knowing that her input is considered important.
Advice: Sometimes, it’s best to give in on small matters! If she insists that ginger beer is better for a cold than tea, just let it go and allow the kids to have a little ginger beer. This small concession will make it easier for you to stand your ground on bigger decisions later on.
Find ways to agree with your mother-in-law's opinions, even if she’s difficult. For statements like, 'The children should go to an international school,' you can quickly neutralize potential conflict by replying with something like: 'We’ll think about it, thank you!' or 'Education is very important, we’ll discuss it further.' By making her opinions seem less critical, you reduce the risk of a confrontation.
- If your mother-in-law says something you agree with, emphasize it. For instance, if she remarks, 'The kids are growing up so fast,' you can simply respond, 'Yes, they really are growing up so quickly!'
Minimize your requests when asking her to look after the kids. Your mother-in-law might feel overwhelmed if you hand her an extensive list of instructions and guidelines for babysitting. She has successfully raised your husband, so trust her to do the same with your children. While it's natural to worry about leaving your child with someone else, overloading her with demands may make her feel disrespected.
Advice
- If none of the above solutions work and your mother-in-law and daughter-in-law situation spirals out of control, you might consider moving out to reduce her interference in your life.
- If your husband doesn't support you and sides with his mother, that’s a bigger issue you two need to address. Consider seeking help from a marriage or family therapist to resolve the matter.
- If you’ve been pretending to get along with your mother-in-law while harboring resentment, stop immediately. She may not realize it and might assume that it’s acceptable to be critical or rude if you’re close enough.
