How to Deal with a Difficult Person

Difficult people are everywhere. They could even be you at times. Many individuals go through phases when they're not acting at their best. If you want to maintain a relationship with a difficult person, you need to develop strategies for handling and negotiating with them.

Choose your strategy wisely. When dealing with a difficult person, you must decide when it's best to address the issue. Not every conflict is worth fighting. The sooner you realize this, the happier you’ll be. Ideally, you and the difficult person should overlook your differences and reach a compromise. However, this might not always be possible.

• Ask yourself if the situation you’re facing is troubling enough to warrant action.
• Consider your relationship with the person. If the difficult person is your boss or someone in power, you may need to accept things you don’t like (unless the behavior is abusive). If the person is a friend or family member, think about whether ignoring the situation will encourage bad behavior or if it will simply save you time and spare you from unnecessary frustration.

Pause for a moment. Take a deep breath before reacting to focus your thoughts and calm yourself. If the conflict occurs via email or text message, it’s better not to respond immediately when you’re upset. Take a little time to lower your stress levels. Once you do, you’ll be able to approach the situation more rationally.

• If possible, discuss the issue in a neutral setting or at a location tied to the specific activity. For example, you could have the conversation while walking. This method can help minimize negative face-to-face interactions.

Express your needs assertively. Don’t let the other person manipulate or twist your words. Try to use statements starting with 'I' instead of accusations beginning with 'you'. For example:

• 'I understand you're frustrated by my delay, and I would feel the same way. Unfortunately, this morning, the subway system was out of service, and everyone got stuck at the station. I’m sorry for making you wait.'
• Don’t say: 'You’re unreasonable for expecting me to be on time when the subway system broke down. If you really cared, you could’ve checked my train schedule.'

Maintain politeness. No matter how the other person reacts, stay calm. Avoid swearing. Take a breath before responding. The key is not to lower yourself to their level. The calmer you remain, the easier it is for them to recognize and reconsider their own behavior.

Stick to the facts. Keep your story short and clear, avoiding unnecessary details or emotions. The person may not understand your point, and you don’t need to try to convince them. Present the facts without feeling the need to justify yourself.

• Avoid triggering topics. For instance, if you often argue about vacations with your sister-in-law, it’s better not to bring it up! Let someone else mediate the conversation on that subject.
• Don’t be stubborn. You might feel the urge to argue your point, but with difficult people, it’s best to ignore these fights. Don’t waste time trying to prove you’re right. Instead, stay neutral in the situation.

Limit interactions. While ideally you should be able to manage a difficult person, if not, it’s best to limit the time spent with them. If you must interact, try to keep things brief by excusing yourself or involving a third party in the conversation. Keep the positive vibes as much as possible and remember to calm down afterward.

• Accept that this person may never be the friend, colleague, or family member you hoped for.

Talk to an ally. If things aren’t progressing and you need assistance resolving the issue, consider having a conversation with a potential mediator. Your boss might help improve the situation. If the conflict occurs within your family, seek someone known to everyone who has negotiation skills. Only share your frustrations with someone you trust.

Understand that difficult people are everywhere. No matter where you live or work, you’ll encounter people who seem as if they were born to make others’ lives difficult. The key is learning how to deal with them. Since it’s hard to avoid such individuals, identifying different types of difficult people can help you determine the best way to interact with them. These types include:

• The 'hostile' type, who tends to react aggressively. They enjoy criticism, love arguing, and have a hard time admitting they are wrong. These people often hold power or are internet bullies.
• The 'sensitive to rejection' type, who seeks insult. In other words, they are easily offended. They often express their dissatisfaction through written communication (emails, texts).
• The 'easily triggered' type is another kind. They may exhibit anxiety and pessimism, often criticizing others.
• The 'self-important' type, who prioritizes their own interests. They dislike compromise and are highly sensitive to personal insults.

Increase your tolerance for frustration. The other person’s behavior may be beyond your control, but you have the power to decide how you respond and whether or not you should care about them. One way to do this is by boosting your ability to endure frustration, which involves challenging any irrational beliefs that might make you tense, angry, or lose your composure.

• When interacting with difficult people, you might think 'I can’t stand this person anymore!' Before reacting based on this irrational thought, take a deep breath and question its validity.
• The truth is, you can tolerate this person. You won’t die or go crazy just because your mother-in-law is rushing to prepare for New Year's Eve, or because your boss is yelling at you. You are a strong individual, and you know you can handle it. The choice lies in how you perceive the situation: will you get stressed out to the point of raising your blood pressure, or will you take a deep breath and offer your mother-in-law a carrot to keep her busy with something else?
• When you catch yourself using words like 'must', 'can’t', 'should', 'have to', 'always', or 'never', take a moment to reassess your thoughts.

Check your own behavior. If people are constantly attacking you, it might be because you’re attracting the wrong type of attention. For example, if you are excessively negative, pessimists will surround you. Seek out friends with a more positive outlook.

• What role do you play in experiencing negativity in the past? How did you react to that behavior? For instance, if your friend Lan continuously bullies you, do you react? Do you stand up for yourself?
• Being aware of your strengths and weaknesses can be quite helpful. In this way, when facing difficult people in the future, you’ll be better equipped to handle them.

Be cautious in judging others. One of your friends may seem quite difficult, but perhaps she’s going through a tough time. Instead of quickly judging her behavior, show empathy by stepping back and considering how you would feel in her position. If you're sensitive to personality differences, you may find it easier to handle various conflicts.

• Practice an accepting attitude by taking a deep breath and looking at the person with as much compassion as possible. Tell yourself: 'I can see you're struggling. I accept that you're worried and fearful, even though I don’t fully understand why. I accept that you’re making me anxious as well.'
• When you accept the 'nature' of things, recognizing and acknowledging that the person is difficult, you can relieve the tension caused by resistance or the desire to fight back.
• Visualize the reasons for showing empathy for their actions. You might not understand why a customer is angry with you without any clear reason. Rather than getting upset with yourself, consider that the person might be dealing with severe chronic pain that makes them quick to anger. Whether this reasoning is true or not, it will help you stay calm and avoid being affected by negativity.

• Never resort to swearing. Cursing only escalates the anger of the other person and signals that you’ve lost control.
• Always remember to stay calm, and if you feel yourself getting angry, turn away and walk off.