How to Deal with a Disrespectful Spouse

Choose the right time to talk to your spouse. A tense moment is not ideal for a conversation, as anger might lead to saying something you’ll regret.

• Address the issue soon after the disrespectful behavior occurs. Waiting too long may cause you to forget details, making the conversation less effective. Sit down with your spouse a few days after the incident to discuss the matter clearly.
• Find a quiet place where you can talk privately. Bringing up the issue in front of friends may make you appear vulnerable and your spouse look foolish.
• Initiate the conversation when your partner has had time to relax after work. Wait until the kids are asleep and both of you are well-rested.

Address the issue calmly and respectfully. Avoid taking responsibility for your partner's behavior; instead, express your feelings in a composed manner. Let them know you feel sad, angry, or hurt when they don’t value you.

• For example, you could say, "I feel upset when you speak to me in that tone." Or, "I’m really hurt when you underestimate my understanding."
• Avoid phrasing it as if they made you feel a certain way, as this might put them on the defensive.

Use specific examples to clarify your point. When discussing your spouse’s behavior, provide concrete instances. Choose a recent example and highlight exactly what they said or did.

• For instance, you might say, "Last night during dinner, you made a dismissive comment. You said it was a waste of time to explain your new project to me because I wouldn’t understand."
• Avoid using examples from situations where either of you was intoxicated, as the details might be unclear.

Ask your spouse why they disrespect you. Their behavior might stem from insecurity or feelings of inadequacy. Understanding the root cause can help you empathize and encourage them to act more respectfully.

• Try asking, "I feel like you’re upset about something unrelated to me. What’s going on?"
• For example, if they react dismissively when you ask about their work, they might feel insecure about their performance. While their behavior is unacceptable, knowing the real reason can help you find a better solution to move forward together.

Set clear consequences. Make it known that you won’t tolerate or forgive disrespectful behavior. Stand firm and don’t change your stance if they continue to belittle you or ignore the situation.

• For example, you could say, "If you speak to me in that tone again, I’ll leave the room. If you keep disrespecting me in front of others, I’ll end our relationship."

Use humor to diffuse the situation. Don’t let your spouse’s disrespect affect you deeply. The next time they belittle you, think of something humorous. Make a lighthearted joke or pretend they’re joking. Humor can reduce the impact of their attempts to demean you.

• Use humor that fits the situation, but avoid self-deprecating jokes, as your partner is already undermining you.

Redirect the focus. Shift the issue back to the person making the disrespectful comment to bring it to an end.

• To do this, ask questions related to the situation. For example, if your spouse is belittling your parenting style, you could ask, "Do you have a better way?" or "Do you have any evidence to support why I should do it your way?"

Determine when your spouse started disrespecting you. Reflect on whether this behavior began recently or if they’ve always lacked respect for you. Ask yourself questions like: Did you marry someone who disrespected you from the start, or did this behavior emerge after marriage? Identifying whether this is new behavior or a long-standing attitude will help you find the best way to address it.

• Did your spouse change completely after marriage? Did you misunderstand their true nature, or did they pretend to be someone else before tying the knot?
• Could a new job be influencing their behavior? Work pressure and the stress of seeking promotions can affect even the most composed individuals.
• While this information can help you understand the root cause, focus on the present issue when confronting them.

Determine if their behavior is context-specific. Analyzing when your spouse makes disrespectful comments can help you understand if their behavior is triggered by something you’ve done. Do they only make such remarks in specific situations, like during parenting discussions? Or does it happen across various scenarios? Narrowing down the timing and context can help identify triggers. However, remember that people may not always understand their own motivations, so if this approach isn’t helpful, move on.

• If your spouse belittles you in front of their colleagues, does this happen in front of their boss, peers, or subordinates (or everyone at work)? How do they comment? Do they undermine you when you try to share your opinion about work matters?
• Perhaps your spouse feels anxious or even embarrassed by your actions and masks their true feelings with harsh, disrespectful remarks. If so, focus on addressing their offensive behavior in that specific context.
• Do you always feel on edge when you’re around your family and friends? Are you constantly belittled by your spouse in front of their family and friends?

Find out if your spouse is aware of their behavior. In some cases, your partner may have developed a habit of disrespecting you, making it part of their personality. However, people aren’t always conscious of their actions. Your spouse might not realize they’re being disrespectful. Additionally, if they’re trying to overcome insecurities, they might be asserting their confidence to the point of not recognizing how their behavior hurts you.

• Does your spouse continue talking to you after making a disrespectful remark, acting as if nothing happened? If so, they might not realize their comment was rude or inappropriate.
• Does your spouse speak similarly to others, or is it just you? Some sarcastic individuals believe that belittling others is part of their charm. They may not realize their comments are hurtful and offensive rather than witty.

Be cautious of signs of psychological abuse. Abuse can manifest in various forms, and it’s not always easy to recognize an abuser. Here are some subtle signs of emotional or psychological abuse:

• Making you feel guilty
• Deliberately humiliating you
• Frequently criticizing you
• Ignoring you
• Engaging in infidelity or openly flirting with others
• Speaking to you sarcastically or making you the butt of jokes
• Saying "I love you, but..."
• Attempting to control you through isolation, financial means, or threats
• Constantly texting or calling you when you’re apart

Protect your children. If your spouse is also emotionally abusive and disrespectful toward your children, you should take proactive steps to protect them during this sensitive developmental stage. Consider the following suggestions:

• Show genuine love to your children to counteract the abuse they endure. Tell them how much you love them and provide proper care.
• Explain to them that when people are angry, they may say things they don’t truly mean.
• Help them understand that what others say about them isn’t always true, even if it’s their parents. What matters most is how they feel about themselves.
• Reach out to social services for assistance if you’re experiencing severe or prolonged emotional abuse.
• Inform your spouse that their emotional abuse of the children is wrong, and if it doesn’t stop, you’ll end the relationship to focus on caring for your children.

Talk to friends and family. Friends and family can offer support and advice when your relationship is in crisis. Consider confiding in them about what’s happening. Ask for their guidance on what steps to take and where to seek help.

• You might even stay with a friend or family member until you find a solution and secure your own place. This could be the best course of action. If you have children, ensure they are kept away from the abusive spouse.

Seek professional counseling. Let your spouse know you want to pursue couples therapy. This approach can help foster positive changes in your troubled relationship. In a safe environment, you can openly address how their disrespectful behavior is wrong and needs to change.

• Make it clear that attending counseling is crucial for you, and if they refuse, you’ll consider ending the relationship.
• To find a mental health professional in your area, visit this page: http://locator.apa.org/

Speak privately with a counselor. Consulting a professional can help you become more assertive and decide whether you want to continue the relationship or move on. If your spouse refuses to join you in couples therapy, you should still seek individual counseling.

• Try to find a counselor experienced in handling situations similar to yours.