How to Deal with an Angry Person

Dealing with someone who is angry at you is never easy. Anger can flare up in almost any situation: with a friend, a stranger, at home, or out in public. Heated encounters can also happen at the workplace, with colleagues, managers, or customers. This is especially common in professions that require public interaction, such as customer service or financial services. Although such situations may be frequent, they are still unpleasant and can be quite awkward. While you can't control how others react, there are strategies you can use to stay safe and maintain control over your own actions.

Leave potentially dangerous situations. You can't always escape tense moments immediately, such as when a customer is shouting at you while you're working. However, if you feel threatened, you should remove yourself from the situation, or try to distance yourself from the threat as much as possible.

• If you're facing an angry person at home or work, try to move to a safer location, preferably a public space. Avoid places with no exits, like bathrooms, or areas with objects that could be used as weapons, such as kitchens.
• If you're confronted with an angry customer while working, maintain a safe distance between you and the customer. Stay behind a counter or out of their reach.

Call for help. Your safety is important. Depending on the nature and severity of the threat, you might call a friend for assistance. If you sense immediate danger, dial 113 (emergency police) in Vietnam or 911 if you're in the United States, or contact emergency services.

• If you're at work, contact a supervisor or security personnel.

Take a "break". If the situation is tense but not yet critical, suggest a pause. Use statements that start with "I", such as "I need 15 minutes to calm down before we talk." During this break, engage in activities that help you relax, and allow the other person to cool off as well. Set a specific time and place to reconvene and discuss the issue.

• Always phrase your pause request using "I" statements, even if you feel the other person is entirely at fault. A phrase like "I need some time to think" can de-escalate the situation without putting the other person on the defensive.
• Avoid accusatory phrases like "Maybe you need a break" or "Calm down". Even if you believe it's true, such statements could provoke the other person and escalate their anger.
• Don't hesitate to suggest another break if the other person remains aggressive or angry. It's best if both of you engage in calming activities during the pause.
• If several breaks don't help calm the other person, consider asking for a third-party mediator, such as a therapist, HR manager, or spiritual guide, to join the conversation.

Take a deep breath. Stressful situations, like when someone is angry with you, can trigger the "fight or flight" response, causing your heart rate to increase, shallow breathing, and stress hormones flooding your body. Combat this response by breathing deeply to regain calm. Remember: two angry people make the situation much worse.

• Breathe in while counting to 4. You should feel your lungs and abdomen expand as you inhale.
• Hold for 2 seconds, then slowly exhale while counting to 4.
• As you exhale, focus on relaxing the muscles in your face, neck, and shoulders.

Manage your emotions. Responding calmly to an angry person helps defuse a tense situation. Reacting with anger will only escalate the conflict and usually make things worse. Walking, meditating, and counting down from 50 are methods that can help you stay calm.

Don't assume the other person is targeting you. It can be hard to separate personal feelings when dealing with someone who's angry. Keep in mind that anger is often a sign that the person hasn't figured out a healthy and assertive way to respond to a situation they perceive as threatening. Research has shown that when people believe the anger of others is not their responsibility, they are less likely to feel upset about it.

• Anger escalates due to factors like insecurity, limited options, disrespectful behavior, or aggressive or passive reactions to an issue.
• People feel insecure when something unpredictable reaches a tipping point. When basic feelings of order and safety are threatened, anger can be a natural response.
• People may become hostile when their choices are restricted. This stems from a sense of helplessness due to limited options.
• Feeling disrespected can trigger anger. For instance, if you speak to someone in an irritable tone or disrespect their time, they might react angrily.
• People may become angry to relieve their own discomfort. If someone is upset, consider the possibility that they are reacting to something in their personal life rather than to your actions.
• If you’ve done something wrong, take responsibility and apologize. You’re never to blame for the other person’s reaction; no one can “make” another person angry. However, acknowledging your mistakes may help the other person process their anger and hurt.

Stay calm. Speak in a calm, even tone. Don’t yell or shout back at someone who’s angry. Use steady, assertive body language.

• Avoid slumping or crossing your arms, as these gestures signal disinterest or a lack of willingness to communicate.
• Keep your body relaxed. Stand firmly with both feet on the ground, shoulders back, chest forward, and make eye contact. This kind of body language conveys calmness and self-control, while also signaling you won’t be easily intimidated.
• Avoid aggressive gestures like clenching your fists or grinding your teeth. Invading someone's personal space (usually around one meter) also signals that you're becoming aggressive.
• It’s better to stand at an angle to the person rather than directly facing them. This position feels less confrontational.

Be careful not to let communication break down. Staying calm when someone is angry with you isn’t easy, but it’s crucial to maintain calm and composed communication. If you notice any of the following behaviors creeping into your actions, it means the communication is deteriorating, and you need to adjust immediately:

• Yelling
• Threatening
• Swearing
• Using inflammatory or exaggerated statements
• Asking aggressive questions

Know when to hold off on conversation. Certain physical and emotional cues can signal when communication is falling apart. These signs are captured by the acronym H.A.L.T., which stands for Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. These factors escalate an already tense situation and make it more difficult to resolve. While the person may already be angry at you, if their anger persists (even after a pause) or if other factors are present, it's best to delay the discussion until their physical and emotional needs are met. Let’s break down each factor to understand why they hinder communication and problem-solving.

• When we’re hungry, rational thoughts and intentional decisions often fly out the window. Your body is running on empty, and you may say or do anything just to get some energy. Studies show that both humans and animals tend to take more risks when they’re hungry. Hunger affects decision-making skills and behavior — two things you definitely don't want to lose control of in a confrontation.
• Anger is an emotion that most people haven't learned to express constructively. Anger is often paired with insults, curses, mockery, and even physical violence. In reality, people typically get angry when they feel hurt, confused, jealous, or rebuffed. When internal emotions ignite anger, it becomes hard for people to look at a situation objectively, and they often don't try to find a solution. It’s best to give angry people space and time for their emotions to cool down before trying to communicate effectively.
• Loneliness refers to the feeling of being cut off from others. A person who feels isolated may struggle to remain objective when facing someone else in a confrontation.
• Tiredness during a heated debate can be a damaging factor. Lack of sleep leads to poor mood, impaired cognitive function, and poor performance. Fatigue also impacts decision-making abilities. A clear solution may appear when well-rested, but weariness could drag the argument on for hours without resolution.

Understand the other person's anger. When someone is yelling at you, it’s hard to want to understand their anger. However, anger is often a response to feeling misunderstood or ignored. Recognizing that the person is angry doesn't mean you believe their actions are justified.

• Try saying things like, 'I know you're angry. I want to understand what's going on. What’s making you upset?' This shows you’re trying to see the situation from their perspective, which can help them feel better.
• Avoid making judgmental comments. Don't ask things like, 'Why are you so mad?'
• Ask about specifics. Calmly ask about the specific issue the person is reacting to. For example, 'Did I say something that upset you?' This can encourage them to reflect on why they're angry — and they might realize it was all a misunderstanding.

Resist the urge to silence the other person. Telling someone to be quiet or stopping them from expressing their emotions doesn’t help the situation — it only makes them angrier.

• When you tell someone to be silent, it implies you don’t think their feelings are valid. Remember, even if you don't understand what they’re going through, their feelings are very real to them. Dismissing their emotions won’t help you de-escalate the situation.

Listen to the other person. Be an active listener. Show that you're engaged by making eye contact, nodding, and using expressions like 'uh-huh' or 'hmm.'

• Don’t let the other person catch you preparing to defend yourself while they’re speaking. Focus on what they are saying.
• Listen to why they’re angry. Try to imagine the situation from their perspective. If you were in their shoes, would you feel the same way?

Rephrase what the other person just said. One reason tension escalates in a situation is due to misunderstandings. When the other person shares their reasons for anger, it's important to restate what you've heard.

• Use sentences focused on 'I'. For example, 'I just heard you say that you're upset because this is the third phone you've bought from us and it’s not working, is that correct?'
• Using phrases like 'It seems like you're saying_______' or 'You mean_______?' will help ensure you understand the other person. This can also help them feel understood, potentially calming them down.
• Don’t exaggerate or reword what the person has said when you restate. For example, if they complain that you've been late to pick them up for the past six days, don't say, 'I hear you’re angry because I’m always late.' Instead, focus on what they actually said: 'I hear you’re upset because I’ve been late for the past six days.'

Use 'I' statements to express your desires. If the other person continues to yell or act aggressively, try using 'I' statements to communicate what you want. This will prevent your words from sounding like accusations.

• For example, if the other person is yelling, you can say, 'I want to help you, but I can't understand what you're saying because you're speaking so loudly. Could you please repeat that more quietly?'

Show empathy toward the other person. Try to see the situation from their perspective. This helps you manage your own emotional reactions and communicate more effectively with them.

• Say things like, 'That sounds really frustrating' or 'I can understand why you're upset.' This can help defuse the situation. Sometimes, people just want to express their frustration, and once they feel understood, they may calm down.
• You can also silently remind yourself that the person is upset and trying their best to express how they feel. This mental shift can help you manage the situation in your mind.
• Don't belittle their issue. Even if it seems trivial to you, it's clearly something that is bothering them.

Avoid bringing up your intentions. Instead, focus on the consequences. When someone is angry with you, they feel mistreated in some way. Your first instinct might be to defend yourself and explain your intentions. For example, don’t say, 'I was going to pick up your suit from the dry cleaner, but I was too late getting back from work.' Even though your intentions are good, the other person doesn’t care at this moment. They're thinking about the consequences of your actions, which is why they're upset.

• Instead of explaining your good intentions, try putting yourself in their shoes and focus on how your actions have affected them. You might say, 'I know I made things harder for you by forgetting to pick up your suit for the meeting tomorrow.'
• This concept might make you feel like you're betraying your own principles. You may genuinely believe you did the right thing and feel uneasy about admitting you were wrong. If that's the case, try imagining that the other person isn't angry at you, but at someone or something else. Think about how you might solve the issue if you weren’t the one 'in the wrong.'

Approach the situation with an open mind. After listening to the other person's perspective, think about how you can handle the situation.

• If you believe their frustration is valid, accept it. Acknowledge your mistake and ask what you can do to make it right.
• Don't defend yourself or get defensive. This often only makes the other person angrier, as it seems like you are dismissing their needs.

Offer a solution. Think rationally and communicate clearly and calmly. Try to propose a solution that directly addresses what the other person has shared with you.

• For example, if they are angry because your child threw a ball that broke their window, you could say, 'My daughter threw a ball that broke your window. I can have someone come to repair it and replace the glass within two days, or you can arrange it yourself and send me the bill.'

Ask about other options. If the other person doesn’t like the solution you've suggested, ask them about a solution they would be happy with. For example, you might ask, 'What would you prefer in this situation?'

• Try suggesting a solution that focuses on 'we' to encourage collaboration. For example, 'Okay, you don’t agree with my suggestion, but I still want to know if we can find a way to resolve this. What can we do to fix this?'
• If the other person proposes something unreasonable, don’t lash out. Instead, offer an alternative. For example, 'I hear you want me to replace the window and pay for cleaning the carpets in your entire house. I think replacing the window and covering the cost of cleaning your living room carpet is fair. Would that work for you?'
• Trying to find common ground with an angry person can help steer the conversation in the right direction. For example, you might say, 'I understand that fairness is important to you. It is to me as well...' This shows you're working towards a shared goal.

Avoid using the word 'but'. 'But' is often perceived as a 'verbal cancellation', completely negating what was just said. When someone hears 'but', they tend to stop listening and only hear, 'You're wrong.'

• For example, avoid saying, 'I understand what you're saying BUT I need to ______.'
• Instead, use 'and' like, 'I understand what you're saying AND I believe that I need to ______.'

Thank the other person. Once you’ve found a solution, wrap up the conversation with a thank you. This shows your respect for the other person and helps them feel that their needs have been addressed.

• For instance, if you've reached an agreement with an angry customer, you could say, 'Thank you for helping us resolve this issue.'

Wait for a while. In some cases, the other person's anger may not subside immediately, even if you have done everything you can to resolve the situation. This is especially true for situations that cause deep hurt, such as feeling betrayed or exploited. You must accept that it may take some time for their anger to cool down, and not pressure them to let go of it quickly.

Consider involving a third party as a mediator if necessary. Not all conflicts can be resolved, and not all anger will dissipate even if you remain calm and respectful. If you've tried the above strategies and there's still no progress, it might be time to step away. A third party, such as a therapist, negotiator, or HR manager, can help mediate the situation.

Consider seeking professional help. In addition to using negotiation services, another useful option is to consult a therapist or counselor who is trained in conflict resolution or anger management. This is especially important when the angry person plays a significant role in your life, such as a spouse, parent, sibling, or child. If you and the person constantly argue or if they tend to explode over trivial matters, it might be time for a professional. Not only can they mediate the current situation, but they can also teach you effective communication and problem-solving skills.

• Therapists can guide your family member or friend in relaxation techniques, anger management strategies, emotional expression methods, and identifying negative thoughts that lead to anger.

Reflect on what you did that made the other person angry. If you were wrong, you need to address the situation by apologizing and making amends.

• Don't try to justify your actions. If you did something wrong, acknowledge your mistake.
• Consider when it would be the best time to apologize, whether during the interaction or after they have calmed down.
• Think about whether your apology will be sincere and meaningful in that situation. You should not apologize if you don’t truly feel it, as an insincere apology may escalate the tension.

Demonstrate empathy and remorse. You need to show the other person that you regret how your words or actions have affected them.

• Even if you didn’t intend to upset or hurt them, it's important to acknowledge that your actions negatively impacted them.
• Your apology should begin with a genuine expression of regret. For example, you might say, 'I'm sorry. I realize I made you upset.'

Take responsibility for your actions. An apology is far more effective and helps de-escalate the situation when you take ownership of your actions. In other words, you need to show that you understand how your behavior has hurt the other person or made them feel disappointed.

• A way to take responsibility could be, 'I’m sorry. I know my being late caused us to miss the event.'
• Alternatively, you could say, 'I’m sorry. I know your fall was because of my carelessness.'

Offer restitution. An apology doesn’t mean much unless you offer a way to fix things or prevent the issue from happening again.

• Your offer to make things right could involve helping the other person or suggesting a way to avoid repeating the same mistake.
• For example, 'I’m sorry. I know my being late caused us to miss the event. From now on, I’ll set my alarm an hour earlier to prepare.'
• Another example could be, 'I’m sorry. I know your fall was due to my carelessness. Next time, I’ll be more careful about where I put my things.'