Buzz
Feeling disappointed in a relationship is entirely normal. When expectations aren't met, it's natural to experience frustration. However, disappointment is common, and you can handle it constructively. Start by managing your emotions when disappointment arises. Once you've calmed down, communicate with the other person to collaboratively find a solution.
Steps
Facing Disappointment
Manage your emotions. When disappointment strikes, controlling your emotions is crucial. Whether positive or negative, identifying your feelings is key to addressing the situation.
- Take a day or so to reflect on your emotional response to the disappointment. You don't need to act on your feelings immediately. In fact, doing nothing might be the best approach. Simply give yourself a quiet day to process your emotions. Are you feeling angry? Confused? Afraid? Journal your thoughts, noting how and why the disappointment triggered these feelings.
- Recognizing your emotional reactions is vital. It can provide insight into what something truly means to you. If you're only slightly annoyed when your partner cancels plans last minute, you might not be too disappointed. However, if it ruins your entire day, it could indicate deeper issues that need attention.
Avoid taking things personally. While disappointment can feel deeply personal, it isn't always about you. Try not to internalize someone else's shortcomings, even though it might be challenging. Their actions don't necessarily reflect how they feel about you.
- Many people tend to personalize life's challenges. You might assume that if someone disappoints you, it's because of something you did. You might think you deserved it, invited it, or simply weren't good enough for a better outcome.
- Work on letting go of that negativity. It narrows your perspective and leads to inaccurate conclusions. Many factors can contribute to disappointment. The person who let you down likely didn't intend to hurt you. Before personalizing the disappointment, consider all possible angles.
- Remind yourself that you don't have all the information. If a close friend suddenly cancels lunch plans, it might feel frustrating. However, they could be having a bad day, dealing with their own disappointments at work or in their personal life, or simply needing some alone time. While it's okay to feel disappointed, remember that you don't know the full story.
Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Often, when disappointed, we tell ourselves things like, "I would never do that to someone else." But is that true? In reality, we all disappoint others at times, whether intentionally or unintentionally. When you understand the other person's situation, try to see things from their perspective. How would you act in their position?
- Consider a scenario where you feel disappointed because a friend went to a club without inviting you. You had plans to watch a movie at home, but a colleague they wanted to get closer to invited them out last minute. At first, you might feel hurt, thinking they behaved poorly and that you'd never do the same.
- However, try to see it from their perspective. For instance, they're new to the city, struggling to make friends, and feeling lonely. They might have feared upsetting their colleague and missing a chance to fit into a new environment. Also, consider how they see you. Are you interested in clubs? If not, they might have thought it best not to invite you, assuming you wouldn't enjoy it.
Be kind to yourself. If you're feeling deeply disappointed and hurt, self-care is essential. Anger, resentment, and sadness are common emotions when dealing with disappointment. Do something nice for yourself—watch a movie, take a warm bath, or treat yourself to a meal. Small acts of self-kindness can help you manage your emotions better.
Communicate Openly
Write down your thoughts. If you can't move past the disappointment, it's important to communicate clearly with the other person. Discussing how someone hurt or disappointed you can be difficult. Before having that conversation, write down your feelings to organize your thoughts and approach the discussion with clarity.
- Try to articulate your emotions on paper. Once you've poured out your thoughts, consider the best way to express them verbally. Structure your ideas so they're clear and understandable to the other person.
- Also, keep your goals in mind. Do you want an apology? An explanation of their actions? Do you want them to adjust their behavior in the future? Answering these questions will help guide your writing.
Show empathy. When planning a difficult conversation, approach it with empathy. This helps you avoid becoming confrontational during the discussion. Try to consider the other person's perspective as much as possible. Be open to listening to their viewpoint and genuinely consider it. Remember, the goal of the conversation is to resolve the issue, not to win an argument. Every story has two sides, and it's important to acknowledge the other person's perspective.
Let go of expectations before a conversation. You should eliminate any expectations you might have before entering a conversation. If you expect things to go a certain way, you might feel disappointed or frustrated when they unfold differently. Allow the discussion to be open and natural. Remember, you don't know how the other person feels. Making assumptions beforehand won't help.
Use "I" statements. "I" statements focus on expressing personal feelings rather than stating objective facts. When using "I" statements, you center your feelings as the main point. You avoid blaming or judging the other person for their actions. Instead, you simply express how those actions made you feel and why.
- "I" statements have three parts. They start with "I feel" followed by your emotion. Then, you explain the action that led to that feeling. Finally, you clarify why you feel that way.
- The key benefit of "I" statements is that they minimize blame and judgment. You're not saying the other person is wrong. Instead, you're sharing how their actions affected you. For example, if you're upset, you might say to your partner: "I feel disappointed when we're late to appointments because it seems like you don't care about my time."
- Using "I" statements makes the other person less defensive and more willing to listen. For instance, instead of blaming, you could say: "I feel frustrated when we're late because it makes me think my plans aren't important to you."
Listen to the other person's perspective. Once you've shared your feelings, listen to the other person's viewpoint. Even if their actions disappointed you, there might be more to the story. Stay positive. The goal of the conversation is to heal and improve.
- For example, the issue might simply be a misunderstanding. Your partner might say: "I didn't realize 7 PM meant exactly 7 PM. With my friends, we usually have flexible timing."
- Focus the conversation on the issue, not on disrespect. Your partner might just have a different understanding of punctuality. In the future, be clearer about timing when it matters.
Moving Forward
Reevaluate your expectations. Sometimes, we hold unrealistic expectations in relationships. If you often feel disappointed by someone, take a moment to reassess your own expectations. Are there aspects that might not be entirely realistic?
- Often, our expectations are shaped by past relationships. For instance, a previous partner might have moved cities to be closer to you, relying heavily on your companionship. However, your current partner, who is new to the city, might be more independent and focused on building her own social circle. Expecting her to always include you in her plans might be an unrealistic carryover from your past relationship.
- You might also have impractical expectations in other ways. For example, if your partner says "maybe" to plans, you might interpret it as a "yes" or "probably." When she later declines, you feel disappointed. Recognize that "maybe" often means uncertainty, especially for busy individuals. Adjust your expectations to avoid unnecessary frustration.
Adjust your expectations when necessary. If your expectations seem unreasonable, work on modifying them. Sometimes, reducing future disappointment comes from accepting certain realities about others.
- Consider the earlier example. Your new partner is clearly more independent, with her own life, career, and social circle. She might not rely on you for fulfillment in the same way a previous partner did.
- In this case, adjust your expectations about the relationship. Understand that you won't spend all your free time together. She might meet friends a few times a week, and that's okay. Accepting this aspect of her personality can help you feel less disappointed when she prioritizes other commitments.
Try again with a fresh perspective. Once you've adjusted your expectations, approach the relationship differently. Compromise is essential in any relationship. If a friend, family member, or partner behaves differently than you'd like, respecting their individuality is crucial. Move forward with revised expectations, embracing their perspective while being clear about your own needs and desires.
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage and Family Therapist
Marriage and Family Therapist
Consider counseling if you need help moving forward. Marriage and family therapist Moshe Ratson advises: "I encourage people to seek marriage counseling because it teaches relationship skills you won't find elsewhere. It won't eliminate challenges, but it equips you with better tools to handle difficult situations."
Consider the bigger picture. After being overwhelmed by disappointment, it's easy to feel stuck and unable to move past an issue. However, take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Is this relationship important to you? Do the positive aspects outweigh the negatives? If so, is occasional disappointment worth the distress? Everyone disappoints others at times, often unintentionally. Try to let it go and move forward.
Accept changes in the relationship. Often, disappointment stems from the fact that relationships evolve over time. You might be holding onto past expectations that no longer fit. Allow the relationship to grow and recognize that change isn't necessarily a bad thing.
- For example, consider a romantic relationship. In the beginning, you might spend more time together, communicate constantly, and share more intimacy. As the relationship matures, things may become calmer. You might enjoy quiet moments together and experience less frequent passion.
- It's natural for the excitement of a new relationship to fade over time. The intensity of the early months often mellows, which isn't necessarily negative. While you might miss the initial spark, settling into a routine has its own benefits. You become more comfortable with each other and can truly be yourselves. View these changes as signs of stability rather than stagnation.
Warnings
- While understanding the other person's perspective is important, if someone repeatedly disappoints you and shows no remorse, ending the relationship might be the best choice. You deserve better than ongoing disrespect.
