How to Deal with Envy

Understanding Envious Feelings. Envy is a complex emotion encompassing a range of feelings such as fear, loss, anger, jealousy, sadness, betrayal, dissatisfaction, and humiliation. If you are feeling envious, understand that there are many emotions tied to it, but envy is the emotion that you identify first. Take time to reflect on your emotions.

• Write about your feelings. If you're a visual person, create a chart or draw a picture that represents all the different emotions you're feeling and how they relate to envy.
• Pay attention to how your body expresses your emotions. Fear can sometimes make you feel like your chest and stomach are tightening and sagging. Meanwhile, anger often manifests through intense tension in your head and arms.

Master Your Emotions. Learn to question envy whenever it arises. For instance, ask yourself: "Am I feeling envious because I'm scared or angry? Why do I feel scared or angry right now?" By questioning what triggers your envy in the moment, you take positive steps toward adjusting your emotions in a constructive way, rather than being overwhelmed by the negative emotions that often accompany envy.

Identify the Root Causes of Envy. It can be hard to admit that you're feeling negative emotions, and this often leads to blaming others. Avoid this by approaching your envy with a compassionate mindset. Reflect on all the emotions tied to your envy and pinpoint each cause. For example, if you're envious of your partner's friendship with someone, think about what triggers this feeling in just one sentence. Maybe you fear losing your partner (or perhaps you've lost someone close before), the pain of loss, the sense of betrayal because you believe your partner should give you all their attention, or insecurity because you're unsure if you deserve love.

• Rewrite the memories that intensify this feeling. For instance, you might fear losing your partner because a past breakup was so painful, and you're afraid of experiencing something similar again. Or you might feel unworthy of love because you were neglected by your parents.

Choose to Trust. Trust the people you love. Choose trust over doubt. If you don’t have convincing evidence that someone is deceiving you, decide to trust them. Don’t secretly search for proof; instead, recognize trust in the words of your loved ones. Envy can only destroy relationships if you hide your feelings and blame others.

Apologize and Explain. Say: "I'm sorry for causing trouble by doubting your friendship with Hoa. It's not that I don't trust you—I'm just feeling insecure. Thank you for listening." This will usually give both of you the space to discuss what happened—recognizing that you're feeling uneasy and both of you need to be more open with each other about what you're going through.

Be Open About Your Envy. Sharing your true feelings with friends and family can help you build stronger, more genuine relationships. It also encourages others to be honest with you and point out moments when you’re being unreasonably envious. Although it might hurt to admit your envy, a relationship built on honesty will be stronger than one based on pretense.

• Avoid blaming others. No one else creates your negative feelings—you are responsible for your own actions.
• Use "I" statements rather than blaming phrases like "You make me feel…" Instead of saying: "You shouldn't do that," say: "I feel terrible when we're in public and I don't know how to talk about you anymore."
• Understand that the way you perceive situations might be completely different from how others see them. Be willing to listen to the other person, even when you don't agree.

Seek Help. If you find yourself hurting your body, yelling, insulting, or secretly following your partner, immediately separate yourself from them and seek professional help. You should see a doctor who can refer you to a therapist or enroll in an anger management class.

Understand the Difference Between Love and Jealousy. Jealousy is not love, and feeling jealous doesn't mean you are in love. Some people mistakenly believe jealousy is a sign of love, when in reality, it's an insecure or uncontrollable behavior. People who exhibit jealous behavior often feel insecure and ashamed.

Set Boundaries with Jealous Partners or Friends. If your partner is exhibiting jealous behavior, set clear boundaries. Don’t answer questions that make you uncomfortable. Don’t cancel plans with your friends or cut ties with the people important to you.

• Politely but firmly explain: "I will answer your question, but only once. I won’t answer this question again."
• "I will listen to your feelings, but I won’t isolate myself from the people I care about."
• "If you throw things or yell, I will leave the house and stay at my parents' house."
• "If I don't share my feelings with you but become distant or silent, I will tell you how I feel, and then I’ll leave until you call me."

Don’t Tolerate Abuse. Don’t take responsibility for things you haven’t done. It’s easy to apologize and blame yourself when someone accuses you of their actions. However, you must understand your own motivations. Don’t let anyone convince you that you’re flirting with them when you’re not, or that you "provoked" their jealousy leading to harmful behavior.

• Listen calmly when they start with "I feel" statements, but don’t give in to a barrage of accusations.
• If your partner locks you in, hurts you, or destroys property, leave immediately.

Seek Help. If you ever feel threatened by your partner or anyone else who harbors jealousy towards you, try to distance yourself from them if possible. Jealousy and envy are major contributors to relationship-related homicides and are often central to cases of domestic abuse.

• If your partner or spouse attacks you, leave your home and immediately call 113. If you are in the United States, dial 911 or the domestic violence helpline at 1-800-522-3304.

Encourage the Individuality of Children. Sibling rivalry is inevitable, as children naturally develop opposing needs and often feel distressed when they perceive unfair treatment. Explain that each child has different needs, and it's impossible for everything to always be 'equal,' because their essential needs will vary at different times and will be addressed in different ways.

• Give each child personal space and time. If possible, provide them with their own room. Allow them to engage in activities they love. Older children should have their own time or go out with friends without needing to always have their younger siblings with them.
• Emphasize that each child's personality is important. Spend family time doing what each child loves, even if others are not interested. Make sure to carve out private moments for each child when possible.
• For example, if one of your children loves riding a bicycle while the others don't, dedicate time to take your 'bike rider' for a bike ride around the park. If you have two children to care for all day, consider hiring a babysitter or sharing the responsibility with your partner or a close family friend.

Create a Schedule. If children tend to fight over shared household items like laptops or gaming consoles, establish a schedule that clearly outlines who gets to use what and when. Likewise, if children become envious of the attention you give, ensure you spend individual time with each child, engaging in their favorite activities.

Teach Children to Be Assertive. Teach your children to express their feelings openly and assertively rather than responding negatively or blaming others for their emotions. Explain that using a sentence starting with 'you' will escalate the issue. Instead, encourage them to start with 'I' and share how they feel. If a child admits to feeling jealous, take the time to understand the deeper cause.

• For instance, if a child expresses jealousy towards their sibling, you could ask: 'Why do you feel jealous?' This could reveal that they feel their sibling is loved more or more talented. This gives you the opportunity to comfort and encourage them.
• If a child is envious of a sibling's talent, help them focus on their own abilities rather than comparing with others. If the child feels they have no talents, encourage them to explore a new hobby to regain self-confidence.