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Individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often come across as charming, sociable, and self-assured at first. However, this appealing persona fades, revealing a selfish character. These individuals are extremely difficult to deal with. Experts agree that NPD is one of the most challenging mental health disorders to treat. If someone with NPD is a family member, boss, or someone you care about deeply, you’re likely looking for ways to coexist peacefully with them. You may have to adjust your own behavior to live alongside someone with NPD, but it is certainly a difficult journey.
Steps
Dealing with Narcissistic Behavior
Is it necessary to handle a person like this? They rarely pay attention to your needs or listen to you. Narcissists believe they know more than others and, as a result, see their decisions as the most logical answers to every issue. They expect you to cater to their desires, often leading to power struggles or serious control issues in your relationship.
- This person likely won't invest emotionally in your relationship and will become angry if they feel criticized in any way. They may have a history of ruining relationships over trivial matters. If you want to maintain the relationship, how will you protect your emotions?
- Determine if it's true that you cannot or will not leave them in your life. If you're just acquaintances, it might be best to let this relationship go.
Avoid confrontation. You won't have the opportunity to convince a narcissist that they're wrong. Therefore, only engage when absolutely necessary. Don't waste energy on issues related to their behavior that are unlikely to change.
- If your spouse monopolized the conversation during the family gathering last night and embarrassed you with exaggerated stories, consider it a past event. Next time, take precautions by seating them next to a quieter family member who is willing to listen to their tales of glory.
- If the issue is related to a decision of yours, such as refusing to ride with them if they plan to drive after drinking at tonight’s dinner party, state your decision directly. Simply walk away without needing to explain yourself. This is the best way to deal with a narcissist—they need to understand your boundaries without your detailed reasoning.
Advice: Set clear boundaries using the "if you do X, then I will do Y" method and stick to it. For example, "If you insult me, I will leave."
Establish goal-oriented interactions. Narcissists love to boast about their achievements. Therefore, set goals that not only fulfill your own needs but also provide them with a sense of pride.
- If you're hesitant to ask your narcissistic husband to clean the backyard, suggest he host the upcoming outdoor party instead. Narcissists enjoy taking the lead in social events, and this gives them the audience they crave. Ask for his opinion on what needs to be done, then take care of the cleaning and preparing snacks. Show interest in his 'muscles' while cleaning the yard. It's funny, but you might end up with a cleaner yard, as compliments might encourage him to take on even more tasks (such as building a pond, raising the garden level, or setting up sprinklers). This is the key to making him boast at the party.
Recognize what matters to the narcissist. Remember, a narcissist often doesn't understand or respect your emotional expressions or actions. In fact, they may coldly dismiss or hurt you.
- Instead, study their preferences and identify what matters to them. Then, give them a practical gift with your time or money, and you’ll receive genuine words of affection from them.
Suggest talk therapy. The most effective treatment for this disorder is talk therapy. Psychotherapy can penetrate deep into the individual’s psyche to reshape their self-awareness and their view of their place in the world. This helps them form a more realistic understanding of their abilities, accept themselves, and consider other people's opinions during thought processes.
- However, since narcissists view themselves as nearly perfect, they often fail to recognize the need for psychological treatment or behavior change.
- Psychotherapy helps narcissists learn how to seek support from others to improve their personal and professional relationships.
- It’s challenging to persuade someone with NPD to see a therapist, engage in therapy, and stick with it until results are achieved. Narcissists usually seek mental health support only to address issues like depression or suicidal tendencies. They typically refuse to discuss topics related to personality change or behavior adjustment.
- There are no medications specifically for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although medication may be used to manage related symptoms like depression.
Recognizing the Characteristics of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Examine their childhood. NPD often develops in men, usually beginning in adolescence or early adulthood. While experts have not pinpointed an exact cause, it is believed that it could stem from certain parenting methods:
- Overly strict parenting: Harsh discipline may lead to the accumulation of a child's desire for constant attention over the years.
- Excessive pampering: On the other hand, an overindulgent and overly affectionate upbringing may cause the child to believe they are entitled and perfect.
- However, narcissism seems to be the product of a combination of extreme parenting styles, including both coldness and care.
Pay attention to whether the person believes they are always right. Initially, narcissistic traits appear as a person with high self-esteem and immense self-confidence. Over time, they develop an excessive belief in themselves, convinced that they are never wrong and that they are more valuable than others around them.
Notice if the person views themselves as the center of the universe. A narcissist often believes the world should revolve around them and will go to great lengths to maintain that status, such as dominating conversations.
Does the person get easily angry or resort to verbal abuse? When a narcissist feels they are not treated with the special attention they expect, they may become angry or speak aggressively to overpower others.
- Distinguish from Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) by observing if the person breaks the law. Some with NPD may speak very aggressively, but they typically do not engage in violent behavior or violate the law, and they often maintain control over their actions.
Is the person arrogant or boastful? Those with NPD are often perceived as arrogant, boastful, or excessively self-centered. They tend to look down on those beneath them (essentially anyone) and diminish others to elevate themselves. They manipulate others to get what they want.
Identify the lack of empathy. Perhaps the most challenging aspect of dealing with a narcissist is that they truly cannot empathize with others and are not interested in learning how to do so.
- Distinguish narcissism from autism by observing their compassion for others. A person with autism may struggle to understand others' feelings but genuinely cares, sometimes offering help and feeling upset when others are in a bad mood (they may occasionally avoid when overwhelmed). In contrast, a narcissist is typically indifferent to others' emotions.
Advice: For someone with narcissistic personality disorder, empathy can be summed up as: "I know your feelings, but I don’t care." Some with NPD can recognize and understand others' emotions but do not share them. They use this information to manipulate others.
Notice if the person overreacts to criticism. They will not try to meet the requests of others. In fact, they react angrily to any such requests, seeing them as criticism.
- At one point, it was believed that the narcissist's exaggerated self-importance was a way to compensate for their lack of self-confidence. However, today, experts affirm that narcissists deceive themselves by genuinely believing they are great. They feel entitled to admiration, regardless of evidence of their achievements.
- As a result, narcissists may overreact, even becoming aggressive when faced with the smallest criticism.
- Distinguish NPD from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) by observing if the person deeply remembers others' criticism. Some with NPD may get angry, while those with BPD may panic and fall into a cycle that diminishes their self-esteem.
Does the person have unrealistic expectations? A narcissist has an inflated belief in their own importance, superiority, achievements, and abilities. They manipulate others and expect admiration, obedience, and power. Their mind is filled with thoughts of "fantasies of success, power, excellence, beauty, and the desire for the perfect partner."
- They demand others to create the highest quality products or the "best" in their image.
Pay attention to see if they are taking advantage of you. Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder often tend to manipulate situations and relationships to advance or achieve their goals. If they find a way to get what they want, they will typically distort things as necessary.
- For example, if you tend to lack decisiveness or confidence, and you and the narcissist argue about something they've done wrong, when you confront them days later, they may deny it by saying, "Don't be so stupid, that's not how it went," because they know that remark will make you doubt your own perspective.
Look at their romantic relationships. Living or working with someone with narcissistic personality disorder is incredibly challenging. Those with NPD often struggle with romantic relationships, as well as in work or school settings.
- Some may realize the flaws in their perfect self-image, leading to depression or anxiety. Thoughts of suicide may complicate the situation even further.
Do they abuse stimulants or alcohol? When life isn’t going smoothly, narcissists are more likely to misuse substances like stimulants or alcohol. Observe how much they drink or if they are using stimulants.
Distinguish between a malicious narcissist and one trying to improve. Although narcissism makes it difficult for individuals to be truly kind, some people with NPD are not necessarily bad. A narcissist might choose to act respectfully and kindly towards others, despite their distorted viewpoints making it challenging.
- This decision must come from them; you can't change them, and it’s not your responsibility. Don’t waste your time trying to "fix" someone who doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior.
- Observe if the individual is willing to reflect on their actions, apologize, show concern for others, and treat people kindly. They might learn to improve their behavior.
- Never tolerate verbal abuse. No one deserves to be insulted, so avoid such people if they exhibit this behavior.
Self-care and Caring for Others
Seek emotional support elsewhere. You must accept that your emotional needs will not be met by this person. Reach out to a close friend or someone you trust (such as a family member, counselor, or spiritual advisor) who is ready to listen and understand whenever you need to talk about your frustrations. It's important to build a network of friends to fill the emotional gaps in your life.
- If your spouse has NPD, they won’t share in your joy when you achieve something at work because it doesn't concern them. They may even react negatively to your success if they aren’t constantly praised at work. Be prepared for their disdain.
- Post a note of your excitement on social media or call your friends to share the moment with them.
Learn to improve your quality of life on your own. Every individual is unique, so you need to educate yourself about narcissistic personality disorder and try to understand how narcissists perceive their world. Gaining insight into this type of person will help you adjust your approach to them more effectively, allowing you to achieve desired results more frequently.
- Anticipate their reactions in specific situations and create a strategy to achieve your desired outcome. Consider how they view you in their world and try to fit yourself into their framework accordingly.
- Avoid excessive flattery that could backfire, but remain adaptable to ensure a positive outcome for both of you. Remember the advice your grandmother shared when you got married: He will do anything you want if you make him believe it's his idea.
- The more you understand the narcissist, the more the wall between you both fades, showing that you truly care about them and ultimately benefit both sides.
Don’t neglect affectionate gestures. You may feel that the narcissist responds positively to kind acts but doesn’t show affection in return, but that doesn’t mean you should stop expressing your feelings of love.
- In fact, he really enjoys bragging to colleagues about the loving note you left in his lunchbox. However, keep in mind that you might not receive a grateful response when he comes home later that evening.
- Your affectionate actions can fulfill the need for love without hurting you, as long as you don’t expect him to reciprocate those gestures.
Seek advice from others. You’re on the right track by researching narcissistic personality disorder. There are numerous support groups, books, and resources available to help you find useful advice for navigating this tumultuous relationship.
Share your thoughts with others. Remember, you’re not the only one living with a narcissist. You can share your opinions with their friends and colleagues, as they too are struggling to maintain a relationship with this person.
Monitor his children. If there are young children living with a narcissist, you must ensure their safety while around this person. Narcissistic parents often abuse both emotionally and verbally. You should observe whether your child is lacking any social skills due to the narcissist's behavior. Afterward, work to supplement or teach those skills to the child so they don't grow up to develop narcissistic tendencies themselves.
Advice
- Typically, men are more likely to develop narcissistic personality disorder, though women can also be affected.
Warning
- If someone with NPD expresses suicidal thoughts, take them to the emergency room immediately.
