Buzz
When children become disobedient, parents and caregivers may experience stress, while the children may show signs of sadness, fear, or confusion. Dealing with stubborn children requires skills and strategies, but you can guide them towards better self-control, helping both you and the child stay calmer. Remember that the issue lies with the child’s behavior, not the child themselves. Ensure the child understands that you love them and see them positively, even when they misbehave. Avoid hitting or spanking the child, and never shake or strike a young child.
Steps
Establish Rules for Handling Misbehavior
Create Family Guidelines. The top priority is to set rules for behaviors that are disruptive or potentially dangerous. If you are the primary caregiver, you can set the rules yourself. If the child spends a lot of time with other caregivers (such as their father, mother, grandparents, or a nanny), work together with them to set the rules.
- Make sure the rules you set are clear and simple. For example, for a child with aggressive tendencies, a simple rule might be “no fighting.”
Offer children alternative behaviors to replace bad habits. Children need help replacing undesirable behaviors with something new so they can learn self-control. Depending on the behavior you are addressing, you can try one or more alternative approaches.
- Stop, think, choose. Interrupt the child’s behavior, assess the issue you are considering, and weigh the consequences for you and others before deciding what to do next.
- Time-out. Leave the room and allow the child to calm down for a few minutes before you return.
- Share your thoughts. Talk to someone you trust about what you're thinking by naming your emotions and explaining their impact on you.
- Deep breathing. This exercise is effective if you’re feeling too emotional.
Establish meaningful rewards and consequences. Reward the child promptly and meaningfully when they follow the rules. Any punishment you use should be gentle—avoid hitting or spanking the child. Punishments should also be age-appropriate.
- Positive reinforcement of good behavior is very effective. Meaningful rewards do not need to be expensive toys or trips. Spending time playing activities that the child enjoys can be a fun reward. A compliment from you is also a meaningful reward.
- When punishment is necessary, keep it mild. For older children, reducing allowance or assigning extra chores might be effective. For younger children, a brief time-out (no more than one minute for each year of their age) may be more suitable.
Spend time discussing the rules with your child. You don’t want your child to be confused about what the rules mean or when they are considered to have broken them. Focus on what you want your child to do instead of the bad behavior.
- For example, tell your child that instead of hitting someone, you would like them to come to you and share how they feel angry.
- Role-play with your child using real-life scenarios where they become upset and act out.
Model the behaviors you want the child to display. One effective way for children to understand how to behave is for you to set the example. If you and your child agree that the best way to avoid hitting others is to take a few minutes alone to calm down, try doing that in front of them.
Apply the rules consistently and immediately. If the child breaks the rules, always enforce the consequence right away. If you delay or only sometimes apply the rules, it will be harder to see behavioral changes in the child. Similarly, when the child follows the rules and behaves as agreed, reward them immediately.
- Parents who do not apply rules consistently and quickly will not see significant changes in their child’s behavior.
Discuss the rules with the child's caregivers. If the child spends weekends with their father or mother or stays with a nanny after school hours, make sure to communicate with them about the rules in place for the child. Consistency among all caregivers will help the child succeed.
Managing a Child's Temper Tantrums
Understand the issue. Temper tantrums are a normal occurrence, especially in young children. This behavior can last from a few minutes to several hours, causing stress for both the child and their caregiver. When a child has a tantrum, they might scream, cry, throw themselves on the floor, run around the house, or punch the walls.
- A tantrum can be triggered by anything from fatigue or hunger to frustration or having to do something difficult.
Stay calm when the tantrum starts. When a child throws a tantrum, it’s essential to remain calm. If you get frustrated, it will only make things worse for both you and the child. Keep in mind that tantrums are normal for children and will eventually pass.
Do not give in, and avoid arguing or yelling. Don’t give in to what the child wants. Doing so will teach the child that tantrums are effective, whereas what they need to learn is how to recognize and express their emotions. Arguing or yelling won’t solve the issue. While it can be incredibly frustrating when a child throws a tantrum, arguing and shouting only result in a power struggle. Staying calm is the most effective approach.
Ensure Your Child is Safe from Harm. When children, especially younger ones, throw tantrums, they can put themselves in danger. Make sure your child doesn’t harm themselves in moments like these. Watch the child closely.
- Make sure no one else gets hurt by the outburst, for example, another nearby child.
Try to Calmly Talk to the Child. If the child is old enough to understand, approach them and calmly explain that you don’t want them to continue this behavior and suggest an alternative to replace the negative behavior.
Take the Child to a Quiet and Safe Space. If the child cannot calm down, you may take them to a quiet area and ask them to remain silent for a minute. Once the child complies, end the timeout.
Show Your Love After the Tantrum Passes. It’s important that the child feels loved after their outburst. Stay calm and express your love for the child, while praising them for calming down.
- Remove the object that triggered the tantrum and give the child something else that is easier to manage. For example, if the child is upset about coloring a complex picture, set that aside and offer a simpler picture to color.
Prevent Tantrums at Home. Understand the situations that trigger tantrums and spend time talking with your child about how to recognize their emotions. Make sure the child has age-appropriate toys and maintains a regular routine for meals and sleep.
- You can also discuss with the child how to express their feelings with words or how to release anger in a more positive way.
Prevent Tantrums When Away from Home. If your child tends to throw tantrums while out and about, avoid taking them out when they’re tired. Be sure to pack snacks and involve them in what you’re doing by explaining what’s happening. Help them feel included in whatever activity you're doing, even if it’s something as simple as standing in line at the bank.
Dealing with a Mischievous Child Who Isn't Your Own
Be Prepared to Discuss with the Child’s Primary Caregiver. Young children, especially those under 5, often struggle to control their emotions and behaviors. Be prepared for mischief and loss of control, and have a conversation with the primary caregiver (e.g., the child’s mother or father) about what should be avoided, which rules the child is familiar with, and how you’ll enforce those rules when they’re not around.
- It's crucial that all caregivers, including yourself, are consistent in enforcing the rules with the child. Learn what rules the child must follow and how their parents would like you to handle rule violations.
Don’t Try to Be the ‘Parent’ of the Child. Even if you want to approach things differently than the child’s parents do, you should still follow their rules. Children need to hear consistent messages about what’s expected of them and see consistent consequences for violating rules. Otherwise, they may become confused and act out more.
- Giving in to the child’s demands, like allowing them to eat too much candy or skip bedtime, might initially make you feel like a “fun” caregiver, but it can quickly lead to behavioral problems if you don’t set appropriate boundaries based on the parents’ guidance.
Encourage the Child to Engage in Various Activities. Boredom is a common trigger for misbehavior, so if you're looking after a child, make time to engage in fun and enjoyable activities. Keeping the child busy will reduce their chances of mischief.
- If possible, learn in advance what activities the child enjoys. Arts and crafts, games, or their favorite toys can be great ways to keep them engaged.
Tránh để trẻ bị đói hoặc mệt mỏi. Đói bụng và mệt mỏi cũng có thể là nguyên nhân dẫn đến hành vi khó bảo. Đảm bảo bạn có đồ ăn vặt và thức ăn sẵn phù hợp, và bạn biết giờ ăn của trẻ nhỏ. Trẻ cư xử tốt hơn khi chúng được ăn đủ và đi ngủ đúng giờ.
Bình tĩnh và áp dụng kỷ luật một cách tích cực. Nếu trẻ cư xử không đúng, điều quan trọng là bạn giữ được bình tĩnh, rồi ngồi xuống ngang với chiều cao của trẻ. Bình tĩnh nói cho trẻ biết trẻ đã làm gì sai. Sau đó, nói với trẻ rằng bạn muốn chúng làm điều gì khác để thay thế. Nhớ sử dụng nguyên tắc và hình phạt mà bạn đã trao đổi với cha mẹ của trẻ.
- Không bao giờ được lên giọng hoặc đánh trẻ. Bạn cũng không được rung lắc hay đánh trẻ nhỏ.
Làm cho đứa trẻ đang tức giận bị sao nhãng và cảm thấy dễ chịu. Nếu trẻ cư xử vượt quá mức chịu đựng, hãy làm chúng bị sao nhãng và được an ủi là lựa chọn tiếp theo của bạn. Ôm hôn, đồ chơi yêu thích, gấu bông, đồ ăn vặt hay trò mới là những thứ bạn có thể thử để giúp trẻ cảm thấy dễ chịu hơn.
Cảnh báo
- Đừng bao giờ phạt trẻ nhỏ. Không được rung lắc hoặc đánh trẻ nhỏ. Khi trẻ khóc, đó là dấu hiệu trẻ cần sự chú ý của bạn, vì vậy, hãy đến gần và xem bạn có thể làm gì để dỗ trẻ.
- Nếu bạn là người trông trẻ, đừng đánh hoặc phát mông trẻ. Hãy hỏi người chăm sóc chính của trẻ (bố mẹ hoặc người giám hộ) liệu họ có thể hướng dẫn bạn cách áp dụng kỷ luật với chúng.
- Có nhiều bằng chứng cho thấy phương pháp kỷ luật bằng roi vọt có ảnh hưởng tiêu cực và không có tác dụng. Đánh hoặc phát mông trẻ có thể gây ra những tổn thương về thể chất và tâm lý.
