Buzz
Are you ready to take back control from the narcissist? Narcissists are often arrogant, self-centered, and use various manipulation tactics, making it impossible for them to understand your point of view. So how do you neutralize them? We’re here to help you beat a narcissist at their own game. This article will guide you on everything you need to do to win against the narcissist in your life.
Steps
Limit contact or cut ties entirely if possible
Narcissists rarely change, and they can damage your mental health. In some cases, the best course of action is to end the relationship. Unfortunately, sometimes a person has no choice. Consider your situation to decide what is best for you.
- If you’re in a romantic relationship with a narcissist, plan your escape in advance. Make sure you know where you’ll go and keep it to yourself until you’re ready to leave, so they can’t stop you.
- If the narcissist is a parent or a friend, consider stopping their calls or messages. Alternatively, you could choose to speak with them only once a week or once a month.
- If you work with a narcissist, try to limit interactions to work-related matters only.
Stay Calm When They Try to Agitate You
Narcissists often deliberately try to provoke you into anger. It’s all part of their game, and when you get upset, they’ve won. So, it’s important to ignore their criticisms and rude remarks. Take control of the situation by calming yourself down. Try counting to 10, taking deep breaths, or imagining yourself in a peaceful environment.
- You can also silently repeat positive affirmations like “I am calm,” “I am at peace,” or “The world is on my side.”
- Imagine the narcissist wearing a ridiculous outfit so you can laugh at the absurd things they say to you.
Use the Word “We” to Draw Them to Your Side
Narcissists care about only one person - themselves. In their mind, they are never wrong and have no interest in what you think. Fortunately, you can sway them to your side by using “we” instead of “I” or “you.” The pronoun “we” can actually help ease arguments and encourage them to do what you want.
- Win the argument by saying things like “It seems like we’ve gotten off track. Let’s change the subject,” or “We both care a lot about this issue. Maybe we should talk about something else.”
- Convince them to do something by saying, “We need to get this report done today,” or “We’ve got a mess to clean up.”
Neutralize Them with Compliments
Flattery is an effective strategy to persuade a narcissist to do what you want. They already see themselves as superior, so you don’t need to worry about boosting their ego. Simply smile and highlight their best qualities. If you can't think of something specific, use general compliments since narcissists don’t pay much attention to the exact words. You can say things like:
- “You’re so smart!”
- “You always know what to say.”
- “You did great today.”
Say something flattering before criticizing them
Narcissists will fly into a rage when you point out their flaws. Unfortunately, sometimes criticism is necessary, especially if you’re working with a narcissist. To ease the situation, start by complimenting them before pointing out what they did wrong. Choosing the most positive wording will be helpful.
- If at work, you might say something like “You’re the best analyst here. Your report’s factual part was excellent, but we need more details to improve it.”
- If the narcissist is your partner, you could say something like “I love the paintwork you did in the living room. I see you’ve worked hard in the bathroom too, but I think the trim needs one more coat of paint.”
- If the narcissist is a family member, you could say “You’re so kind to help me with the kids. Last time they loved watching movies with you, but this time, let’s avoid giving them the second candy bar!”
Give them a sense of achievement to reduce tension
Narcissists get frustrated when you brag about your achievements. They want to believe they are the best and will do anything to outshine you. You don’t need to humble yourself to please them, but also refrain from flaunting your success in front of them to avoid triggering their competitive nature.
- If your partner is a narcissist, emphasizing shared achievements will keep both of you satisfied. You might say “We did it,” or “I’m so happy we did so well.”
- If the narcissist is a relative, don’t brag about your achievements or good news. Let them find out through others.
- With a narcissistic colleague, avoid boasting about your promotion, new tasks, or accomplishments.
- If they start trying to outdo you, just say something like “Sounds great” or “Amazing.” They will usually feel recognized enough and move on to a different topic.
Believe in yourself and don’t fall for their lies
Don’t let a narcissist make you question what you know. Narcissists will try to deceive you into believing that you’ve misunderstood or forgotten something. They may even tell outright lies. Overcome them by trusting your own instincts and gut feeling.
- When they try to deceive you, respond with statements like “I understand your perspective” or “I respect your opinion.” Often, these responses will silence them.
Ignore them rather than exposing their behavior
Confronting or reporting a narcissist’s behavior won’t do any good. Unfortunately, this will only escalate the tension. They will accuse you of making things up while maintaining their cold, emotionless face. It’s frustrating to deal with a narcissist, but you can neutralize their toxic behavior by simply ignoring them. Narcissists can’t deceive everyone forever, so there’s no need to expose them.
- At work, you may want to report a narcissistic colleague who lied or insulted you, but they will turn the blame on you and drag out the drama. Don’t let them pull you into their act.
- Similarly, a narcissistic family member may spread rumors to cause discord between you and others. If you confront them, they will deny everything and create more conflict.
- Your narcissistic partner may criticize your cooking to make you feel useless. If you argue with them, they will only drag you down further, but if you shrug and ignore them, they will lose interest.
End the argument with a noncommittal response
A narcissist will never admit they’re wrong, so arguing will only escalate the situation. They are arrogant and self-absorbed, so you won’t get them to admit fault. Simply put, they’ll never do it. Save your time and energy by avoiding the argument. This is the quickest way to shut them down.
- At work, you might say, “I hear you,” or “I understand your point.”
- When talking to a spouse or family member, you can say “Uh-huh,” “Is that so?” or “That’s interesting.”
Ask about their interests to change the topic
Narcissists love to hear themselves talk. They rarely criticize you while they’re in full monologue mode about a topic they adore. Use this tactic to neutralize a narcissistic family member, colleague, or acquaintance. Try picking a subject you enjoy as well to avoid getting bored. You could say something like:
- “You’re an expert on space programs. Can you explain the Mars mission and when humans might make it there?”
- “You seem to know a lot about history. Could you tell me about your favorite historical era?”
- “I heard you love writing. What do you typically write about?”
- “I was really impressed with your presentation. Can you tell me more about the topic?”
Focus on the future to avoid provoking them
Even if they hurt you, it’s best not to bring it up. Chances are, they don’t even remember what they did. In fact, narcissists have poor memory because they’re so focused on themselves. You’re better off venting to friends or a therapist than getting into an argument with them.
- For instance, if a colleague took credit for your work, focus on finding ways to ensure your efforts are recognized in the future.
- Your narcissistic partner may frequently criticize you, but if you point it out, they’ll just get angrier. It’s better to redirect them by using “we” language or a noncommittal response.
- You might have a family member who hurt you deeply. Keeping your distance and focusing on other relationships will make you much happier than trying to confront them.
- If you bring up the issue, they’ll find a way to convince you that it never happened. Alternatively, they might play the victim. It’s not worth revisiting old wounds.
Limit your conversations with narcissists to avoid giving them fuel for gossip.
Narcissists will use everything you say against you. They might seem to take an interest in you, but they are actually looking for weaknesses to exploit. Keep your conversations with them to a minimum so they don't gather too much information to use against you. Also, never share anything you consider private with them.
- A narcissist may use details from your past to tarnish your image. They might say, “Last year, Anh missed a deadline, so it’s probably going to happen again this year. I should be the project lead instead.”
- They could also spread rumors about you, sometimes twisting the truth. They might say, “Hai told me he hates the gift you gave him” or “Thảo’s family mentioned they won’t come over for Tet this year. Maybe they don’t like your cooking.”
Set boundaries with them to protect yourself.
Let them know what behaviors are acceptable to you and which ones are not, and explain the consequences if they cross those boundaries. If they violate your limits, make sure they face the consequences you’ve already outlined. Establishing boundaries will allow you to regain control in the relationship. Here are some boundaries you can set:
- “If you shout or insult me, I’ll leave and won’t engage with you.”
- “Don’t share my personal information with anyone. If you do, I’ll stop sharing anything with you.”
- “You’re not going to explain anything. If you push, I’ll leave.”
- “I’ll only comfort and offer advice on this once.”
- “I won’t engage in any gossip.”
Take care of your own needs because you can’t rely on them.
Unfortunately, narcissists lack the ability to support you when you need them most. Take care of your physical health by eating nutritious foods, exercising regularly, and getting enough sleep. For your mental well-being, try meditation, journaling, yoga, or deep breathing exercises to relax.
- If your parent is a narcissist, it might be hard for you to focus on your own needs, as you're accustomed to fulfilling theirs. Fortunately, you can learn to prioritize yourself, and therapy can be helpful.
Create a support system to strengthen yourself.
Being around a narcissist can drain your energy. Reach out to people who can recharge you, whether they are family or friends. Identify the people you can call during tough times, and plan enjoyable activities with those you care about. You deserve to be loved and comforted.
- If a family member is a narcissist, spend more time with other family members or those you consider your chosen family.
- If you work alongside a narcissistic colleague, reach out to a friend when that colleague is particularly difficult.
- If you have a narcissistic friend, make sure you have other friends who can support you when needed.
Resist their attempts to lure you back into a close relationship with them.
When they sense you pulling away, a narcissist will use manipulation tactics. They will shower you with compliments and make you feel special to them. All these “love bombs” can make you question yourself and the boundaries you've just set, but they are simply psychological manipulation. Maintain emotional distance from the narcissist and stand firm in your boundaries.
- Make a list of how their narcissistic behavior has hurt you. When they begin love bombing you, refer to this list to remind yourself why you need to stay away from this person.
Advice
- When dealing with a narcissist, don't take anything they say or do personally. It has nothing to do with you – it’s simply their nature.
