How to Discipline a Stubborn Child

Every parent will agree that stubbornness is as inherent in children as the bond between them and their toys. Kids tend to become quite headstrong during their toddler years and as they grow into teenagers, yet stubbornness can appear at any age. Sometimes, it’s a part of their personality that parents need to help them control; in many other cases, it’s simply a way for children to test boundaries and assert their freedom. Occasionally, children have difficulty expressing what’s going on with them. Teaching a stubborn child how to express themselves and manage stress in a healthy way is key to effective discipline. You can discipline a headstrong child by staying calm, listening to them, understanding them, and setting a good example of acceptable behavior.

Understanding Infants and Toddlers. The first three years are considered a "critical period" in a child’s development because their brains are rapidly growing, learning, and storing information that will guide them throughout life. Behaviors that may seem quite stubborn or even mischievous in infants are actually part of a natural process of learning cause and effect.

• For example, if you consistently say "no" or make an angry face whenever your child engages in unwanted behavior, they might repeat that action to see if you maintain your response. By changing your reaction, the child will learn that they can’t always get the reaction they want and will try different behavior.

Changing the Environment. If your child insists on touching the same broken item every day or refuses to stay away from the kitchen cabinet, instead of punishing or disciplining them, try rearranging your home to make it a safer place where they can explore. After all, this is their home, and children learn best when they can freely explore it.

• Infants learn by exploring, and they don’t mean to be mischievous by handling everything. It’s better to move fragile items to another place and 'child-proof' the house rather than trying to stop every usual learning behavior. You can also refer to other related articles on our site for more tips on this matter.
• As your child grows, you'll discover new areas of the house that need to be made safer for them. It’s part of the process of creating an environment that allows children to stay safe while having the best opportunity to learn and play without danger. Start childproofing your home before they become more active (typically around 9 or 10 months old).

Say "Yes" More Often. Most young children hear the word "no" so frequently throughout the day that they rarely act on their own choices. After you've made your environment safer, aim to say "yes" more often, as long as the action is safe and feasible. Saying "yes" will help your child take responsibility for the process of learning and exploring things they’re interested in.

• Allow your child to spend more time outdoors, create artwork, craft, or splash water in the bath as much as possible. Physical and creative activities help children use their energy, leading to better sleep and making them more likely to listen and be less stubborn.

Redirect the Child's Attention. If your child is about to do something they shouldn’t, call their name and redirect their focus to a toy or a distraction they enjoy. You should always have a strategy ready to distract them at the right moment.

• For example, you could keep a comic book, snacks, or a small toy they love in your bag whenever you leave the house. Hide them in the bag until needed. If you and your child are at a friend's house and they’re approaching an electric cord, call their name and ask if they'd like to play with their ball. This distraction will redirect their attention and shift their behavior.

Teach "Gentle Hands" Behavior. One of the common undesirable behaviors in infants and toddlers is hitting, kicking, or biting. They do this to observe the type of reaction they’ll receive, not to harm anyone. It’s important to teach your child how to interact with others in a safer way.

• When your child hits you, gently hold their hand, look them in the eye, and say, "We don’t hit. We use gentle hands." Then, gently guide their hand to touch your face or arm (where they hit you), and say, "See? This is gentle hands." You can also gently touch them with your hand to show the difference between a hit and a gentle touch. Use a similar approach to teach infants or toddlers safe ways to interact with pets and younger children.
• You could also read a simple comic book, such as "Hands Are Not for Hitting" by Martine Agassi and Marieka Heinlen, to teach your child appropriate behavior.

View discipline as a teaching process. Rather than simply imposing negative consequences for bad behavior (punishment), discipline should be seen as a method to transform mistakes into learning moments. When your child refuses to cooperate or repeats undesirable actions, your ultimate goal is to guide them on how to cooperate and avoid repeating the bad habit.

• The consequences you set for bad behavior should not be random or overly harsh. They must be directly linked to the action. This is why "putting the face to the wall" is ineffective for stubborn children; the punishment itself isn't related to the negative behavior and feels more like a general penalty than a consequence or disciplinary method. If you can't provide an immediate consequence, consider taking away a privilege, but ensure you teach the child the connection between their choice and the loss of that privilege. For example, if your child plays games longer than allowed, a reasonable consequence might be losing the chance to play with friends that evening, as they wouldn't have time to do so.

Follow through with the consequences you've set. If you specify a behavior that will lead to a consequence, you must follow through. Empty threats will make your child believe you are inconsistent or worse, a liar.

• If you tell your child they must clean their room before going to a friend's house, don't back down when it’s time to go out if the task is unfinished. Consistency is key!
• Because consistency is crucial, avoid setting consequences you can't enforce. Typically, it’s better not to declare a consequence in the heat of the moment when you're feeling upset. For example, if you say, "If you do that again, I will...", you may be overreacting in the moment. Instead, try to set clear boundaries in advance. If you know your child will likely leave their seat during dinner, let them know beforehand that you expect them to stay seated, and outline the consequence if they don't (e.g., the meal will end or they won't get dessert).

Establish routines. Structure and predictability are vital for children and tweens, helping them understand what to expect and avoid disruptions to their day. Establish daily and weekly routines so your child knows what’s coming. Additionally, consistent routines will aid in behavior improvement and academic success.

• Set and stick to regular bedtimes and wake-up times each day. Ensure your child gets enough sleep, as sleep deprivation is linked to behavioral problems. Children aged 3 to 12 generally need 10 to 12 hours of sleep daily (including naps), but many resist going to bed early or napping even when they need rest. If your child seems irritable or misbehaves at bedtime, it may be a sign they are not getting enough sleep.
• Give your child plenty of warnings if a routine needs to be adjusted, but reassure them that the usual schedule will resume soon.

Observe your reactions. Many children, especially stubborn tweens, are sensitive to your gestures and tone of voice when you discipline them. They will mirror your reactions, such as rolling their eyes, sighing, shouting, or getting angry.

• When dealing with a stubborn child, parents often become frustrated or even angry. It's important to manage your emotions and not let them affect how you interact with your child.
• Pay attention to what triggers your anger when dealing with your child. Perhaps you get upset when they make a mess, argue with you, or don't obey. The things that anger you most are often aspects you have less control over. Addressing your own issues (at work, from your childhood, or within other relationships like your marriage) can help you respond more positively to your child.

Learn how to negotiate. In the past, parents were often advised never to give in to their children's demands, fearing that it would lead to a lack of respect and an erosion of authority. However, many psychologists today have found that children need to feel they have some control over their lives, and parents shouldn't make all the decisions for them. When the choice doesn't involve the child's health or safety, but is instead about their opinions or preferences, you should allow them to make their own decision.

• For example, you may prefer your child to wear neat and appropriate clothing when going out, but they might have a different perspective on what is fashionable and comfortable. As long as your child is dressed appropriately, you should overlook the less important aspects, which could give them the sense of control they might be missing.

Understand the pre-puberty stage. Around the age of 10 or 11, children begin to experience hormonal changes that trigger the onset of puberty. This can lead to emotional outbursts, sudden stubbornness, and sometimes withdrawal.

• At this stage, children often test the limits of their independence. This is a healthy and natural part of development, though it can be frustrating for parents who are used to being in control. It's important to let your child feel they have control over decisions that affect them. For example, you might let them help plan the weekly menu or choose a new hairstyle.
• Remember, your child is an independent individual. Stubbornness is just one aspect of their complex personality, and in fact, being headstrong can be a positive trait. When you teach them how to stand up for themselves and others, resist negative influences, and always do the right thing, their stubbornness will play a key role in developing into a healthy individual.

Understand the puberty stage. Adolescents undergo significant hormonal changes, experience personal turmoil due to emerging emotions, friendship conflicts, and bullying, and develop a strong desire for independence. Unfortunately, they still lack emotional maturity and their brains are still developing, meaning they don't fully understand the long-term consequences of their actions. These factors create an unstable environment for many parents struggling with daily displays of stubbornness and rebellious attitudes.

• Puberty is a lengthy process, not a one-time event, and it typically starts between the ages of 10-14 for girls and 12-16 for boys. During this time, behavioral changes are common for both genders.

Set clear boundaries and consequences. Just like toddlers and younger children, teenagers thrive in environments where expectations and boundaries are clear. While some adolescents will test these limits, they generally want consistency. You should establish and reinforce household rules and make sure the consequences are clear.

• Allow your child to express their thoughts on rules and consequences, and write them down. This approach will make them feel that their opinions are taken seriously and give them a sense of ownership in their behavior. For instance, if your child is wasting phone data by using too much, the consequence might be that they have to pay the bill themselves or won't be allowed to use the phone the following week.
• Be consistent, but also be willing to adjust when necessary. If rules and consequences aren’t working for your family, sit down with your child and reconsider your options. Additionally, be ready to relax the rules occasionally if your child shows responsibility and respect (e.g., allowing them to stay up late on special occasions).

Take a short break. Adolescence can be challenging for parents' emotions. Teenagers, who are often unstable and sensitive, may say or do things that hurt those they love and react strongly to others. However, arguing and letting emotions spiral out of control is the opposite of effective discipline methods.

• Prepare for responses. If your child tends to say hurtful things during arguments, it’s helpful to prepare your own response in advance to avoid doing the same. For instance, you might say, "That hurts. Let's take a break and revisit the issue when we're both calmer."
• Pause the conversation if necessary. If you feel overwhelmed, tell your child that you need a moment to collect yourself and will continue the discussion later. Remember to follow through and rejoin the conversation with your child once you're calm, showing them that you're not dismissing the issue.

Seek help for negative behaviors. If your child’s behavior goes beyond stubbornness and starts to harm themselves or others, it's time to seek professional assistance.

• A psychologist can help you determine the best course of action for self-destructive behavior or for a teenager who may be experiencing mental health issues or depression.

Distinguish between punishment and discipline. It’s a parent's responsibility to raise a successful, kind, and healthy adult, not just to control a child's behavior daily. Discipline should be viewed as a way to guide a child in managing their behavior, so they can eventually self-regulate.

• Punishment involves using painful words or experiences to stop unwanted behavior. It can include physical punishment like spanking, or verbal or emotional punishment like calling your child names or threatening them with withdrawal of love. Physical and emotional punishment are abusive and teach children that you are untrustworthy or that they are worthless. Typically, physical and emotional punishment is child abuse and illegal. NEVER use this kind of punishment with your child.
• Punishing your child for not following rules is not an effective way to teach life lessons. Instead, it creates suffering for both of you, as you'll be seen as the enforcer of your will, and it may backfire, making the child more rebellious.
• In contrast, discipline teaches life lessons by guiding children to resolve problems, cooperate with others, and ultimately achieve their goals through the right means.

Understand the role of family circumstances. A stressful and unstable family environment contributes to behavioral issues in children, who often mimic the actions of their siblings and parents and struggle to control themselves when family life becomes difficult.

• A noisy, crowded, disorganized, and chaotic home often results in children displaying negative, hyperactive behaviors and difficulty focusing.
• Similarly, children who experience stressful events in their lives (such as moving to a new home, the birth of a new sibling, or parental separation or divorce) may struggle academically and socially. They often "act out" in defiant and stubborn ways.
• Addressing environmental factors that contribute to your child’s behavior is crucial if you want your discipline methods to be effective. After all, even if you're successful in disciplining your child today, if external factors influencing their behavior remain present tomorrow, the problem will persist.

Separate personality from bad behavior. Some children are naturally more determined than others, and their personalities drive them to seek greater control over their daily lives. On the other hand, some children may be quite obedient but act out to gain attention from you or because they are dealing with other struggles in life. Identifying the root cause of a child's defiance will help you address the issue more effectively.

• Inherently stubborn children often respond best to consistency and are less influenced by lengthy explanations of why their behavior is wrong. They may act out just to provoke a reaction, so it’s important to stay calm and not give them the reaction they expect.
• Severe cases of stubbornness, anger, or mood swings can be signs of an underlying mental health condition like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD). Treatment for ODD involves therapy and appropriate medications to address the chemical changes causing the condition to flare up.

Learn to ask "Why?". Stubborn behavior can appear at any age if a child is facing physical or emotional challenges, or dealing with external difficulties. Your child may just be feeling helpless, sad, exhausted, hungry, or frustrated. If your child becomes defiant, ask them: "What’s wrong?" and listen to what they have to say. Some factors to consider:

• Physical development can be an extremely uncomfortable experience at any age. Toddlers cutting teeth experience significant pain, and older children may have leg aches, headaches, or stomach pains.
• Children often suffer from sleep deprivation. Studies have shown that our children are like "zombies", and research confirms that emotional changes can be triggered after just one night of poor sleep.
• Physical needs, such as thirst or hunger, can make children difficult and stubborn, but in reality, it's because their bodies and minds need energy to cope with the situation.
• At times, children may appear defiant when their emotional needs aren't being met. They may also become stubborn if they feel frustrated because they don’t know how to express their feelings.

• Know when to step back. If a stubborn child refuses to wear a coat and the outside temperature is 4°C, you should ignore the issue. The child will eventually feel cold and learn the lesson that wearing a coat is necessary in cold weather. Just remember to have a coat with you in case your child wants to wear it after learning from their own experience.
• If the child’s defiance seems unusual, you should have a conversation with them to see if they are experiencing any stress at school or at home that could be influencing their behavior.

• If your child exhibits behavior beyond normal stubbornness and shows signs of a mental health condition, such as difficulty controlling emotional responses or tendencies toward violence, you should seek professional help. If your child is struggling with anger management or displaying emotions in harmful or threatening ways, it’s essential to consult a therapist or speak with a pediatrician immediately.