How to Discover Your True Desires

Create a list of things you'd pursue if fear were no longer a factor. Everyone has some form of intangible fear. Many people worry about being judged, running out of money, or feeling isolated. To uncover your true desires, temporarily let go of these fears. Fear often holds us back from achieving what we truly want.

• Write down what you would do if you weren't afraid of others' opinions, financial instability, or the potential for pain or failure.

Identify what brings dissatisfaction in your life. You probably already know where your dissatisfaction lies. Most people are quicker to complain than to take action. By identifying the areas of your life that cause unhappiness, you can begin to explore solutions. Make a list of what frustrates you and reflect on why. What are you longing for? What would improve your situation? Record your thoughts on these questions.

• For instance, think about your job. If you dislike it, perhaps it's not the job itself, but certain aspects of it. Pinpoint these elements. What would you change? How could those changes affect your perspective?
• Merely identifying the things that make you unhappy won't solve the problem. Once you've listed them, assess whether you have the power to change them. If your job is the issue, start considering ways to find a new one or discuss improving aspects of your current role with your boss.

Make a list of your core values. When you're unsure about what you want, it can help to clarify what's important to you. Start by writing down the values that matter most to you—this can include both abstract ideals like love and tangible needs like food.

• To discover your values, ask yourself these questions:
  • Which moments in your life have felt the most fulfilling? What was it about those moments that made them special?
  • If your home were on fire and you could save only 3 items (with your family and pets safe), what would you rescue? Why? What do these items symbolize?
  • Think of two individuals you admire. What qualities do you respect most in them? Why?
  • What topics excite you the most when discussed? Could you talk endlessly about politics, fashion, or animal rights?
• Review your answers and see if any common themes or beliefs emerge.
• Once you've identified your core values, aligning your decisions with them will likely lead to greater satisfaction and happiness.
• Though values might seem abstract or philosophical, they provide valuable guidance in identifying which choices will bring you the most fulfillment.

Select values that trigger an emotional reaction. Values encompass your goals, beliefs, and emotional responses, whether positive or negative. They are crucial for emotional well-being, as they can evoke strong feelings when your actions either align with or contradict them. When compiling your list, don't just focus on what seems expected. Reflect on the things that stir emotions within you.

• For instance, if family time is a top priority for you, but you choose to work 80-hour weeks, you may feel guilt or shame for neglecting something that holds significant value to you.
• If family time matters to you, prioritizing being home by 5 PM and not working during that time could bring a sense of pride and fulfillment, as your actions align with your core values.

Engage in self-reflection. Understanding your values is key to making decisions about what you want and don't want. If you’ve never reflected on your values, it may be challenging to identify them. Use these questions to guide you in clarifying your values:

• At the end of your life, what would you want people to remember about you? That you made contributions to science? That you were devoted to your family? That you were honest?
• If forced to choose between work and family, which would you prioritize?
• What causes you to feel passionate? Environmental issues? Women’s rights? Finance? Use your passions to help clarify your most important values.
• If you could only rescue a few items from a fire, what would they be? What do these items reveal about your core values?

Apply your values to initiate change. Write down your responses to these questions so you can see them clearly. These answers provide an outline of what you want from life and can be expanded as you continue to explore what's important to you. Once you identify your core values, you’ll have a clearer vision of what you want and can begin making choices that reflect these values.

• For example, if you strongly value sustainability but work for a company in the oil industry, you might feel frustration or dissatisfaction because your job conflicts with your values. Recognizing this can help you search for opportunities that align with your beliefs, like a role with a company that shares your commitment to green energy.

Concentrate on the present moment. Uncertainty about what you want or trouble making decisions can often result in stress or discomfort. Much of this anxiety stems from a fear of making the wrong choice. As you begin to make decisions, focus on the here and now. Worrying too much about the future can lead to unnecessary stress.

• Studies indicate that our ability to predict future wants is often flawed. Therefore, it’s essential to make decisions based on what’s best for you in the present, using the information you have at hand. Avoid stressing over trying to make the perfect decision for your future self.

Begin with small decisions. Making choices can feel overwhelming or even intimidating. Whether you’re deciding what you want out of life or how to achieve it once you have clarity, the process can be tough. If you’re unsure about what you want, making decisions can feel especially challenging. However, learning how to make decisions is a skill that can help you navigate life more confidently. Start small so you can grow comfortable with the process and gradually build your decision-making confidence.

• Remember, not deciding at all is also a choice. Often, the regret from avoiding decisions is greater than making the wrong one.

Clearly define the decision you need to make. The ability to make informed decisions is vital, as poor choices or indecision can lead to regret or frustration. To begin, clarify the specific decision you need to make.

• Writing it down or stating it out loud helps you focus. By identifying the decision, you can start taking the steps to achieve the desired outcome.
• For instance, if you're choosing between college majors, write down, “Decide between engineering and nursing.” If dealing with a difficult friendship, you might note, “Decide how to handle my friend who makes me feel bad sometimes.”

Collect as much information as possible. The next step is gathering relevant information on all your options. Making an informed decision is crucial because it helps you feel confident that you made the best choice. Make sure to include details that align with your values. You can create a pro and con list, document details about each option, and reflect on how each choice will impact your life and the lives of others.

• For example, when deciding on a career, you might research salaries, job availability, and required schooling. Consider the differences between nursing, where you’ll interact with people, and engineering, which often involves working with numbers and designs.
• Write down all the relevant details that matter to you.

Explore alternative options. At this stage, it’s important to question whether you’ve considered every possible option. This step might take a few days as you think it over, do more research, or consult others. Consider if there are other possibilities you haven’t thought of or written down yet. Have you been too narrow in your choices? Make sure all potential options are explored before finalizing your decision.

• For example, if you’ve limited yourself to just engineering and nursing, consider other alternatives like a business degree, an art major, a career in contracting, or even medical school.

Assess your choices. After gathering all your information and exploring options, reflect on each possibility. Imagine the outcomes of each choice and how they make you feel. Does the future picture of each decision satisfy you? Does it align with your values? These emotional responses will help guide you toward the right choice.

• For instance, envision yourself studying engineering, working with numbers and computers, then landing your first job in the field. Consider how this daily routine makes you feel and if it reflects your values. Then, repeat the process for nursing and compare the results.

Take action on your choice. After carefully considering all your options, it’s time to select the best choice that aligns with your values and career aspirations. Once you’ve made your decision, put it into motion. This is where you actively pursue your goal and start working toward achieving it.

• For instance, you can meet with your academic advisor or department head to formally change your major, then enroll in the relevant courses.

Be open to making mistakes. Sometimes, you won’t know what you truly want until you try it. By taking action, you can determine whether something is the right fit or if it’s not what you expected. Trying things out and making mistakes is an essential part of the process of figuring out what you want.

• Studies suggest that uncertainty about an outcome creates more anxiety than knowing the outcome, even if it’s unfavorable.
• For example, if you’re torn between nursing and engineering, try hands-on experiences to help make a decision. Look for internships at an engineering firm to get a sense of the work environment. Ask an engineer about their day-to-day tasks. You can also shadow a nurse during their shift to better understand what the role involves.
• You could also take an engineering class while volunteering at a hospital. By the end of the semester, you might realize that you don’t enjoy working with computers all day and that you have a natural aptitude for comforting patients. Even if you don’t pursue engineering, the class wasn’t wasted — it helped you make a more informed choice, and you gained valuable knowledge.

Reassess your decision periodically. Just because a particular goal feels right at one point in your life doesn’t mean it will remain the same in the future. Regularly revisit your decisions to see if they still align with your values and long-term goals.

• If the decision still fits with your objectives, continue on your current path. If not, don’t hesitate to reevaluate and go through the decision-making process once more — and remember, that’s perfectly okay.