How to Discover Your True Self

Reflect on the moments in your life that made you feel most proud. Finding meaning in your life is a complex process, and it should be. However, valuable insights often emerge from your personal history. Recall the moments that made you proud, as these are frequently when you discovered your greatest sense of meaning and purpose, whether through work, travel, or education.

• What made these moments so memorable?
• What aspects of the work challenged or inspired you? What drove you to achieve success?

Clarify your values. Understanding your values is a crucial step in connecting with your inner self. As you reflect on moments that made you feel proud, consider how these experiences reveal your core values. Ask yourself, what values are linked to the things that make me feel proud?

• For instance, if you felt proud during your high school graduation, it might indicate that you value education. If you felt proud after receiving a promotion at work, it could signify a value for professional achievement. If you felt proud when organizing a surprise party for your mother, it may reflect a value for family and kindness towards others.
• Begin compiling a list of your values. You may even want to rank them based on their importance to you.
• Once you're clear on your values, you can explore ways to integrate them into your life. For example, if integrity is a value of yours, you'll aim to be honest and genuine in all that you do.

Identify your desires in life. Uncovering your inner self is just as much about looking ahead as it is about reflecting on the past. Whether it’s a career, a house in your dream location, a loving partner, or cozy Sundays with a good book, your desires hold deep insights into who you are. Write down the things you desire in life. Don't hold back or judge your list. Which ones are you actively pursuing? Which ones have been forgotten? Which ones are the most significant?

• What does your list of wants and priorities say about the person you envision yourself to be?

Imagine how you'd spend your time with total freedom. Would you write the novel you've always dreamed of, or would you start building a patio? Would you travel the world or enjoy a relaxing day indoors watching your favorite movie? If money weren't an issue, would you take the non-profit job you've been eyeing or reconnect with an old hobby? These aren't just daydreams; they represent a version of you unburdened by stress and constraints. Discovering that version of yourself is the first step toward making it a reality.

• Be specific in your imagination, picturing an entire day in the life of your dreams.
• These dreams may not be easy to realize, but that's okay. The key is to recognize your aspirations and values, as they offer valuable insight into what truly matters to you.

Reevaluate the beliefs, ideas, and assumptions you've held since childhood. A simple example could be your feelings about food: perhaps you disliked pickles growing up, only to discover years later that you don't mind them after all. Often, we convince ourselves of things like, "I hate pickles," "I’m a morning person," or "I’m good at math but bad at English," when these beliefs are just thoughts, not facts. Whenever you're certain about an aspect of yourself, challenge that thought before accepting it as true. Do you believe it because of habit, or because it's genuinely accurate?

• People evolve, and by firmly stating "I am _______,” you risk limiting your growth.
• More often than not, these beliefs are self-fulfilling. If you consistently tell yourself that you're awkward on dates, then every date will likely make you anxious and self-conscious, reinforcing the awkwardness.

Look beyond the simple labels others have assigned to you. At any given moment, you may be seen as a daughter, a girlfriend, an employee, or a tennis player. These labels are essential for defining your roles and responsibilities in life, but they do not define you. You are far more intricate and multifaceted than a collection of titles. Instead, look past these labels and consider the deeper meaning behind them.

• If you identify as a daughter, ask yourself why that role holds such significance for you. Is family a central support in your life? When facing challenges, do you often turn to your parents or relatives for help?
• If you identify as a girlfriend, consider what qualities your partner brings out in you. Remember, you are not defined by romance, but intimacy can reveal valuable insights about who you are.
• If you identify as an employee, ask yourself where your personal goals and values align with your company's. These goals may never align perfectly, and that's perfectly fine -- you are not just an employee.
• If you identify as a tennis player, reflect on the goals or aspirations you have on the court. What draws you to the sport?

Consider using a personality test as a starting point. Personality tests, such as the well-known Meyers-Briggs test, offer valuable questions that can prompt deeper self-reflection. They can provide general yet insightful perspectives on how you handle stress, relationships, creativity, and emotions. However, remember that these tests are not perfect depictions of your personality. Their main value lies in serving as a starting point for understanding yourself, rather than a final answer.

• After receiving your results, reflect on which aspects feel accurate, which are unexpected, and, most importantly, which don't resonate with you and why.
• You can easily find many free tests online. If you do, look for ones with more than thirty questions, and consider comparing results from two or three different tests to get a more balanced view.

Take 10 minutes a day for meditation or quiet reflection. You won't find your inner self if you're not actively searching for it. Meditation is simpler than many make it seem—just sitting in a calm space for a few minutes can help you reconnect with yourself. Remember, meditation is not a final destination, but rather a tool to reflect on the tough questions you often ignore.

• If you're having trouble relaxing, focus on your breathing. How does it feel as you inhale and exhale? Where does the breath originate from, and what rhythm do you naturally fall into?
• If your mind wanders or you feel bored, don't stress! Instead of thinking you failed, ask yourself why these thoughts are happening. What in your life is consuming so much mental energy?

Remember, this is an ongoing journey, not a goal to reach quickly. Discovering your inner self is a continual process because you are always evolving. Instead of treating your inner self as something fixed that you will discover once and for all, think of it as something you need to continually explore as you change with life’s circumstances. Don’t close yourself off from new insights just because you feel like you have already figured yourself out.

• Looking back, think about how often you’ve been mistaken about yourself. How frequently did your likes, goals, or desires shift as you got older? Even if you feel confident in your self-awareness now, change is inevitable as you move through life.

Make it a habit to check in with yourself regularly. Taking a moment each day to check in with how you're feeling can help you stay connected to your thoughts and emotions. One way to do this is by asking yourself simple, direct questions.

• What's bothering me? For example, you might say, “I’m stressed about my finances this month because I had to pay for an unexpected car repair.”
• How can I improve my mood or situation? A response could be, “I can use my emergency credit card if needed, but I’ll likely manage without it by cutting back on some expenses. The repair was necessary, so I don't mind spending the money.”
• What’s going well in my life? You could answer this by saying something like, “I have a stable home, supportive friends, and a job I enjoy.”

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What do you think is the greatest difficulty in staying authentic to your inner self?

Regularly track your goal progress and reassess your objectives. Successful individuals don't just set a course and follow it mindlessly. Just as your inner self evolves, your goals must also be nurtured and adjusted as you grow. Take a moment each month to ask yourself these key questions:

• Are my goals and priorities still aligned with who I am, or have new ones emerged?
• What steps have I taken towards my goals, and how can I replicate this success?
• What actions can I take in the next two weeks to actively pursue my goals?

Stop giving too much weight to your inner critic. Many people face daily self-doubts, criticisms, and worries. While these are natural, they don't always reflect the truth. When your mind tells you that something is too difficult, or that you'll fail, or even that you're unlikable—remember, this is not your true self. These are simply anxieties and concerns that need addressing.

• Identify the underlying emotion, often anger or fear, fueling these negative thoughts. Confront those emotions directly rather than letting the thoughts take control.
• If you find it hard to shake off these voices, set a timer for 5 minutes to let yourself experience these emotions fully. Once the time is up, move forward.

Surround yourself with people who are equally self-aware. Great friends make life easier, and being around others who are committed to self-improvement will encourage you to do the same. Try to distance yourself from consistently negative people or those who avoid self-reflection. Instead, seek out those who:

• Are actively working on their personal goals.
• Engage in honest conversations about themselves and their emotions.
• Focus on finding solutions, not excuses, in any given situation.

Learn the power of saying no. Saying no can be challenging, particularly to friends, family, or colleagues, but it's crucial for connecting with your true self. This doesn't mean you should be selfish, but it does mean standing firm in your beliefs and decisions. If something doesn't align with your personal values, trust yourself to decline the offer.

• Chasing a goal, whether personal or professional, often requires sacrifice. You can only determine what's truly important once you've begun understanding your inner self.
• Peer pressure may not always be overt or harsh. For example, it may seem enjoyable to go out with friends rather than finishing work or resting. However, it's perfectly okay to turn down such invitations in order to take care of your own needs.

Embrace and accept occasional contradictions. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds." What he meant was that truly self-aware people understand that their opinions and beliefs can change, and that’s perfectly fine. Don’t be concerned with appearing inconsistent—your goal should be to remain truthful to yourself in the present, rather than holding onto who you were in the past or what you once believed.

Push yourself every day. Staying connected to your true self isn't meant to be easy. By challenging yourself to pursue tough goals, finish projects, or explore new activities, you can break free from stagnation and expand your capabilities. Even better, the moments you challenge yourself are often the most fulfilling because they push you to learn and uncover new aspects of yourself.

• This doesn’t mean you need to make life difficult to understand yourself. It simply means not avoiding things you love or desire just because they seem hard.

Research thoroughly, but trust your intuition. Some people prefer to analyze every possible outcome before taking action. Others dive into risks without any prior research. However, a balanced approach lies between these two extremes. Once you’ve done enough research and feel it’s no longer helping, it's time to listen to your instincts and make the decision.

Expose yourself to fresh ideas, people, and experiences. When you find yourself in unfamiliar situations, whether it’s traveling to a new country or attending a gathering of strangers, you shed the labels and contexts that previously defined you. This opens up the opportunity to just be yourself, and these novel experiences reveal parts of yourself that you may never have encountered before.

• Learn something new every day, no matter how small. Expanding your understanding of the world around you adds greater depth to your self-reflection.

Seek guidance and advice from trusted mentors or role models. Discovering your inner self isn’t solely a personal endeavor. Others can provide insights into parts of yourself that may be difficult to see on your own, helping you better understand who you are. A good mentor won’t tell you what to do or who you should be; instead, they’ll guide you to find your own answers.

• A mentor is simply someone whose opinion you respect, and with whom you can speak openly and honestly.
• A mentor isn’t always right. Remember, it’s up to you whether you choose to follow their advice or not.

• Don't overexert yourself.
• Avoid becoming too absorbed in your own thoughts; focusing solely on yourself can come across as vanity.