Buzz
Falling for your best friend is a common occurrence. But how can you be sure that what you're feeling isn't genuine love? Sometimes, it's challenging to tell the difference between pure friendship and romantic love. If you're feeling uncertain, take some time to evaluate the relationship. Reflect on specific instances where you felt something akin to love. You might also consider your priorities. What do you expect from someone you're dating? Do you want to take the relationship to the next level? There are many ways to navigate this without losing the friendship.
Steps
Examine your friendship closely
Assess the intensity of your emotions. Take a moment to think about how strong your feelings are for that person. You might have similar emotions for both friends and romantic partners, but when it's love, those feelings are even more intense! Generally, the more overwhelming your emotions are, the more likely it's love.
- For example, you might feel a chemical reaction with a friend when you both laugh at a joke or have a comfortable conversation. But when you love someone, these feelings are much more intense. You might feel dizzy or exhilarated.
- One way to gauge the depth of your feelings is by considering how you feel when apart. When you're in love, it's hard to be separated from the other person for a long time.
- If it's love, you'll feel incredibly special when you're with that person.
Recognize physical reactions. Your body can genuinely help you understand your feelings. When you're with a potential romantic partner, your heart rate might increase, or you might feel butterflies in your stomach. You could even feel anxious and flustered. If you see them as just a friend, you won't suddenly giggle or break into a sweat.
- When meeting a friend, you might feel excited. However, you likely won't experience physical changes like a racing heart or sweaty palms when greeting them.
- With someone you love, your body's reactions are hard to control. Your palms might sweat, your voice might tremble, and your heart rate could spike.
Compare this relationship with others. You might have many friends, but only one person can be your true love. With this person, you might value your relationship more than any other in your life. You also feel a deeper connection with them.
- Perhaps you can't imagine a day going by without talking to them. With a friend, you might not mind going a week or even a month without meeting. But with someone you love, that time apart feels like an eternity.
Decide what you want
Decide if you want a romantic relationship. You can distinguish between love and friendship based on the level of care you feel for the person. If you love someone, you'll likely think about them often and want to stay in regular contact. You won't feel the same way about a friend, and you won't crave their presence throughout the day.
- You might think of a friend when something reminds you of them during the day—like a song you both enjoy or a story that brings back shared memories.
- When you love someone, they occupy your thoughts all day, even without reminders. You might even catch yourself daydreaming about them.
Cherlyn Chong
Dating Coach & Breakup Recovery Specialist
Dating Coach & Breakup Recovery Specialist
Handle personal matters before dating. You might feel overwhelmed by unresolved tasks or responsibilities in your life. Before pursuing a romantic relationship, it's essential to address these lingering issues. Otherwise, maintaining a healthy relationship could become challenging due to distractions.
Evaluate how much attention you need. Are you content with how they treat you? If they only give you a high-five when greeting you, you might desire something more intimate. Perhaps you wish they would text you more often. Going a whole day without hearing from a friend might not bother you as much as silence from someone you love.
- If you feel a surge of happiness when they initiate a conversation or get butterflies when their name pops up on your phone, it could be a sign you want to date them.
Discuss with a trusted friend or family member. It's hard to be objective about your own life, so try talking to someone you trust, like a close friend or sibling. They can provide an outside perspective on how the person treats you and whether they think you should stay friends or pursue a romantic relationship.
- For example, a friend might notice that your crush often looks your way when you're not paying attention. They might also point out that the person frequently mentions you when you're not around—a sign they think there's potential for more than friendship.
Reflect on your feelings. Analyzing your emotions can be challenging and requires deep introspection. To determine whether your feelings are platonic or romantic, be honest with yourself about how they make you feel.
- Keep a weekly emotion tracker. Write down how you feel each time you interact with them or think about them. For instance, you might note feeling excited when they call or anxious before hanging out with them.
- Ask yourself what attracts you to them. For example, they might fill a void in your life. If you don't see yourself as popular and they're a star athlete, you might like them because you enjoy being associated with someone you perceive as popular. In most cases, feelings based on external factors like these aren't true love.
Keep a journal. Spend a few minutes each day writing about your interactions with those around you. This can help you observe how you behave differently around the person you have feelings for compared to others. It can also reveal whether they treat you as a friend or a potential romantic partner.
- Try to reflect on specific situations. For example, think about how you felt when you saw them talking to someone else. Did you feel jealous? Or did it not affect you at all?
Progress the Relationship
Be confident. It's normal to feel nervous when trying to change the dynamics of a relationship. However, try to boost your confidence. Being confident can help you choose the right words and approach the situation effectively.
- Encourage yourself. Say things like, “I am an interesting and caring person. Phuong would be lucky to have me.”
Flirt subtly. You can test the waters by occasionally flirting with your friend. Start by holding eye contact a little longer than usual. You can also show more interest in them. If you're in a group, focus your attention on conversing with them.
- Casually touch them. For example, place your hand on theirs when you both laugh at a joke.
Change the way you talk. Friends often talk to each other in a casual, brotherly or sisterly manner. They might call each other “buddy,” “pal,” or “dude.” If you notice yourself using such terms, switch it up. Only friends use those nicknames—call them by their name instead.
- Romantic partners often use cute nicknames to create a deeper, more intimate connection. For example, they might call each other “sweetheart,” “darling,” or “hubby/wifey.”
Ask them out. Be straightforward and invite them on a date. You’ll never know if you two could be more than friends if you don’t try. Be sincere and open. Make it clear that you want to spend one-on-one time with them.
- You could say, “I’d like to spend some time with just you. Would you like to have dinner with me this Friday?”
Accept their response. If they don’t feel the same way about you, it can be painful. You might feel rejected and disappointed. However, try to understand that they didn’t intend to hurt you—they simply felt it was important to be honest. Don’t make them feel guilty for not reciprocating your feelings. If you’re unsure what to say, consider these responses:
- “Thank you for being honest with me. I wish you felt differently, but I understand I can’t change how you feel.”
- “I really appreciate your honesty. I still want us to be friends, but please understand I need some time to process my emotions.”
