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Conflict is a more serious issue than a simple disagreement. It represents a deeply rooted problem between two or more individuals, reflecting their attitudes toward each other. Whether you're trying to resolve a dispute between yourself and someone else or helping two colleagues address their discord, the resolution process shares many similarities. You must be determined to meet and speak openly. Next, listen sincerely to understand the other person's perspective. Finally, you need to reach a compromise that both parties can accept to some extent.
Steps
Assess the Level of Conflict
Look for inappropriate reactions. Disagreements are less severe than conflicts. However, if someone behaves in a way that is overly irritable or angry, pay close attention to their behavior. This could indicate they are experiencing internal conflict or stress. On the other hand, if their anger is directed at someone else, it might suggest unresolved issues between them. In any case, you must be cautious to avoid losing control or escalating the conflict further.
- For example, getting angry when a friend breaks a disposable plastic cup is an inappropriate reaction. Reflect on your relationship with that person to determine if a past behavior or action has caused you significant distress.
Consider external tensions beyond disagreements. If you have a conflict with someone, you'll often think poorly of them, regardless of whether you're currently disagreeing on something. If you feel uneasy when they enter the room, it's time to address the conflict. It's natural to hide conflicts to avoid confrontation, but even a minor grudge should be resolved through reconciliation.
Reflect on how others distort your perspective. People often judge the comments or actions of others. However, if you find yourself frequently dismissing someone's ideas or work without much thought, you might be in conflict with them. Before resolving the issue, try to separate your relationship from their contributions to evaluate their input fairly.
- For example, if a colleague returns a report and requests edits, take a closer look. If they can't sit down and review it carefully together, you might need to help them resolve their conflict. Their relationship is distorting their perception of each other's work.
Resolving Conflicts Between You and Others
Stay calm. Anger will hinder resolving differences between you and others. After all, the goal is reconciliation, not retaliation. Speak respectfully, possibly through a third party if necessary, and agree on a time and place to discuss and resolve the conflict.
- Stay calm by reminding yourself that the goal is conflict resolution, not proving your point.
- Another approach is to ask the other person for their solution. This reduces pressure and helps you feel less stressed.
- Attempting to resolve conflicts while angry is counterproductive. If either party is upset, suggest a pause to discuss the issue calmly later.
List your concerns. Before meeting, sit down and write out the specific issues you believe led to the conflict. Try to exclude past events and personal traits from the list as much as possible. Focus on the root cause of the problem and what specifically needs to change.
Let the other person speak. You can still present your points, but ensure the other person has the chance to express their concerns. Allow them to speak, even if you disagree, as interrupting only escalates the conflict. The key is to let each person explain why the conflict exists, not to determine which solution is 'correct.' Accepting differing perspectives is central to conflict resolution.
Ask questions. If you don't understand the other person's point, ask for clarification. Wait until they finish speaking to avoid appearing interruptive. Avoid sarcastic or hostile questions, as they can turn the discussion into an argument. If their response or reasoning seems odd, remember they have the right to their opinion, just as you do.
- For example, a constructive follow-up question could be: "When did you first notice I wasn't returning your calls?" This simply seeks to identify the moment the conflict began.
- A confrontational question might be: "Did you even try to contact me in any way?" This aims to make the other person feel foolish or wrong, which only leads to defensiveness and complicates resolution.
Be creative. Try to brainstorm as many solutions as possible. Both parties should think of ways to resolve the conflict before meeting and continue brainstorming during the discussion. Let the conversation explore multiple directions as long as it remains calm and productive.
- You might need to let go of certain desires. For example, the root of the conflict might be your friend borrowing your car without asking and nearly damaging it. They don't understand why you're upset, and this lack of understanding fuels anger. A solution could be allowing them to borrow the car if they ask first and drive responsibly.
Take a break. If either or both parties feel overwhelmed, don't hesitate to pause multiple times if needed. Stop when voices rise or before saying something hurtful. You also need time to consider solutions or plans proposed by the other person.
Avoid negative language. Focus on positive statements instead of using words like "can't," "isn't," or "no." Negative language makes conflict harder to resolve. Ultimately, you want the other person to accept what you're aiming for.
- For example, don't say: "I hate how you borrowed my car without asking." While this is an important aspect of the conflict, focusing on it during resolution shows you're stuck on what already happened.
- Instead, say: "We need to agree on some rules for using my car if you want to borrow it again." This offers a constructive solution rather than just reiterating the problem.
Find common ground. Some conflicts can't be resolved in a single conversation. Identify areas where both parties agree and decide to revisit the topic later. It might take multiple discussions to effectively resolve the conflict.
- For example, you might disagree on whether borrowing your roommate's car without asking is justified. However, start by agreeing that the traffic issues they caused with your car are inconvenient for both of you.
Consider compromise. In many conflicts, neither party is entirely wrong, so aim for a solution that satisfies both. Strive to be the 'more accommodating person' by finding a middle ground, but avoid turning it into a competition over who is 'more reasonable.'
- A compromise could involve letting your roommate use the laundry room on weekend evenings and weekdays, while you use it on weekday evenings and weekends. By rotating usage, you prevent future conflicts over simultaneous laundry needs.
Mediating Conflicts Between Two Others
Assess if you're the ideal mediator. You might see yourself as a skilled counselor or a good listener, but that doesn't always make you the best mediator for every conflict. Ensure you have a close but unbiased relationship with both parties.
- Family members often make the best mediators for conflicts between relatives. Parents, older relatives, or neighbors can help resolve disputes.
- Workplace conflicts are more sensitive due to company policies. Managers or HR personnel are usually the best mediators. Review the company handbook before stepping into a formal or informal mediation role.
Suggest a meeting between the two parties. Let them know you want to help resolve their disagreement. Set a time for them to discuss the conflict together. They won't be able to openly share their feelings without a shared purpose. They can decide on a time themselves, or you can propose one.
- For example, workplace conflicts are easier to address. A manager can point out how the conflict affects work and ask them to discuss it.
- Getting two people in an argument to sit down and resolve their conflict can be harder. The most straightforward approach is to tell each person you want to help them discuss the issue with the other. For highly sensitive matters, you might invite them to a neutral location without informing the other party, though this carries risks.
Gene Linetsky, MS
Startup Founder and Technical Director
Startup Founder and Technical Director
Look for the positive side. Gene Linetsky, a startup founder and software engineer, believes that conflict can sometimes be beneficial. He says, "Often, people will pair two equally skilled individuals to work on the same task so they can review each other's work. Due to this rivalry (hopefully friendly competition), you end up with much better solutions than if only one person were working on the project."
Guide the discussion. You don't need to control the conversation, as it might hinder genuine conflict resolution. Consider starting the discussion with a few opening remarks. Ultimately, they need to know that their conflict is evident to an impartial observer and that it carries potential risks. The underlying truth can help you understand the nature of the dispute.
- For example, you might need to explain further to your children. Talk to each child individually to help them understand why their conflict is harmful and unproductive. Remind them of the good times they've shared.
- If resolving a dispute between close friends, you can be more concise and informal. Let them know their conflict is causing discomfort for those around them. They need to talk it out.
- For workplace conflicts, list the key issues to address. Alternatively, inform the parties that their dispute is affecting work efficiency. Review company policies to determine your role.
Give each party a chance to speak. The most crucial part of conflict resolution is allowing each side to express themselves. Avoid interrupting unless they become overly angry or hostile. Emotional outbursts are natural as they release long-held tension.
Listen to both sides. Keep an open mind. Even if you know who is right, limiting one side's speaking time won't solve the problem. You can't mediate effectively without hearing both perspectives.
Let the parties communicate. After stating the purpose of the meeting, act as an impartial observer. Intervene only if the discussion becomes heated or stalls completely. Remember, this is their opportunity to speak, not yours.
Support a side if justified. One party might clearly be in the wrong. It wouldn't be fair to the other side if you didn't acknowledge their correctness. This doesn't mean both parties aren't at fault for letting the conflict persist. However, there are situations where it's necessary to admit that the root of the conflict lies with one party.
- For example, you might point out to your friend that he was wrong to borrow his brother's car without asking.
Suggest possible compromises. After hearing both sides, propose solutions for them to choose the best course of action. The solutions should be logical, not based on your personal opinions.
- For example, you could suggest the following solutions for the car-borrowing conflict:
- You could stop lending your car to avoid future issues.
- You could continue lending but establish clear rules.
- Remember, you can't solve the problem for them. You don't need to have a solution if the issue is complex. For instance, if someone's spouse leaves them for another person, there's no simple solution. However, helping them express their emotions might be a step forward.
Encourage reconciliation. Aim to help them end the conflict positively. Encourage them to express that they're no longer angry. However, be mindful of their emotions. Don't force them to shake hands or 'make up' if they're not ready. This could reignite their anger instead of fostering acceptance.
- Avoid pushing for apologies. Simply encouraging them to reconcile is often enough to lead to a natural apology. For many, saying 'I'm sorry' is a mental struggle, and they'll do it when ready.
