How to Eliminate Shame and Build Self-Esteem

Shame is one of the most destructive and negative emotions for a person. We feel ashamed when we believe we fall short of the standards we set for ourselves or compare ourselves to societal norms. The feeling of shame can lead to dangerous and self-destructive behaviors, such as substance abuse, and can also result in long-term physical and emotional issues like pain, depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety. However, you can avoid this path by actively working to eliminate shame and instead embrace self-worth and your contributions to society. It's essential to remember that you are always capable of doing better than you did in the past, in what you said, or how you felt.

Let go of the pursuit of perfection. Striving for perfection in any aspect of life is an unrealistic expectation, which lowers our sense of self-worth and can even lead to feelings of shame when we don't measure up. The concept of perfection is a social construct created by the media and society, suggesting that we can achieve perfection if we look, act, and think a certain way. However, this does not reflect real life.

• We all have ideas shaped by society and the media about what we "should" do and who we "should" become. It's crucial to release these beliefs and avoid framing every decision with the word "should." Phrases that begin with "should" imply that there is a correct way to think or act, and if you don't follow it, you've done something wrong.
• Aiming for unrealistic and excessively high goals only creates a vicious cycle of shame and low self-esteem.

Avoid Dwelling on Negative Thoughts. Immersing yourself in negative emotions can spiral into feelings of shame and self-loathing. Research shows that indulging in shame can lead to depression, social anxiety, and even high blood pressure.

• Generally, people tend to ruminate over events in a social context, such as a presentation or performance, rather than personal experiences, like an argument with a spouse. This is partly due to our deep concern about others' opinions and especially our fear of being ashamed or self-criticizing based on their views. This traps us in a cycle of torment and negative thinking.
• But remember, while it's easy to fall into endless thinking, it doesn't actually resolve anything or improve the situation. In fact, it only makes things worse.

Practice Self-Compassion. If you feel yourself slipping into a cycle of overthinking, nurture self-compassion. Become your own best friend. Instead of self-blaming or negative thoughts like "I'm worthless and stupid," treat yourself as a friend or someone who loves you. This requires careful observation of your own behavior and the ability to step back and realize that you wouldn't let a friend fall into self-destructive thinking. Numerous studies have shown that self-compassion brings many benefits, including improved mental health, greater life satisfaction, and reduced self-criticism.

• Try journaling. When you feel the urge to ruminate, instead of dwelling on it, write a compassionate message to yourself, acknowledging your emotions and recognizing that you are just a regular person who deserves love and support. Even just ten minutes of self-compassion can spark a positive shift.
• Create a mantra or routine you can use when trouble is brewing. Try placing your hand on your heart and saying, "Will I be at peace and treat myself kindly?" "Can I have both mental and emotional peace?" This way, you're showing true care and concern for yourself.

Avoid Over-Focusing on the Past. For many, feelings of shame can paralyze their present selves. It makes them anxious, fearful, disheartened, and causes them to feel inferior. However, it's important to leave the past behind; you cannot change or undo it, but you can choose how it affects your present outlook and future. Leave the shame in the past and move forward toward a better life.

• Change and transformation are always possible. This is one of the beautiful aspects of being human. Don't hold on to the past forever.
• Remember that life is long, and you can always recover from a tough period.

Embrace Flexibility. Try not to respond to experiences with an all-or-nothing mindset. This type of thinking only creates tension between your desires and what is realistically possible. Much of life is neither black nor white, but rather gray. Understand that there is no "right rule" for life, and people have different ways of behaving and thinking. They live by their own versions of "rules."

• Be more open, generous, and flexible about the world around you, and try to restrain from overly judging others. Cultivate a more open attitude towards society and people. This will, in turn, affect how we often think about ourselves. Over time, you'll become ready to let go of rigid judgments that have lowered your self-esteem and created feelings of shame.

Let Go of External Influences. If you find yourself caught up in negative thinking, it's possible that these negative messages are coming from the people around you, even close friends and family members. To eliminate shame and move forward, you'll need to minimize "toxic" individuals—those who cause you to stumble rather than support you.

• Consider negative remarks from others as a weight of 5 kg. This weight will pull you down, making it harder to get back up. Free yourself from this burden and remember that others cannot define who you are. Only you can define who you are.

Practice mindfulness. Research shows that mindfulness-based therapies can foster self-acceptance and reduce feelings of shame. Mindfulness is a technique that helps you observe your emotions without triggering an extreme reaction. In other words, it involves embracing experiences in a non-reactive way, rather than avoiding them.

• The principle of mindfulness is recognizing and experiencing shame before you can release it. It's not easy, as it requires acknowledging the negative self-talk you have. It’s often tied to shame, such as self-judgment or comparing yourself to others. However, the goal is to understand and recognize the shame without allowing it to trigger negative emotions or motivations.
• Try to find a quiet space to practice mindfulness meditation. Sit comfortably and focus on your breath. Count the inhale and exhale rhythms. Inevitably, your mind will wander. When this happens, avoid self-blame, and simply notice what you're feeling. Don’t judge; just be aware. Bring your focus back to your breath, as that is the true task of mindfulness.
• By acknowledging but redirecting your thoughts and not allowing them to drift, you're learning to cope with negative emotions without forcing a change. In other words, you're transforming the relationship between your thoughts and emotions. Some people have found that over time, the content of thoughts and emotions can improve (for the better).

Learn to accept. Accept what you cannot change about yourself. You are who you are, and there is nothing wrong with that. Studies have shown that self-acceptance can help individuals break free from the cycle of shame, leading to progress and a better life.

• You must accept that you cannot change the past or turn back time. You need to embrace the person you are today, in this very moment.
• Acceptance also means recognizing difficulties and acknowledging that you can endure the pain of the present moment. For example, saying, "I know I feel off right now, but I accept it because I know this feeling will pass, and I can work through my emotions."

Focus on the positives. Instead of dwelling on feelings of shame for not meeting standards set by yourself or others, concentrate on your accomplishments and achievements. You'll see that you have much to be proud of and have made meaningful contributions to society and yourself.

• Consider writing down your accomplishments, positive traits, or how you've helped others. You can jot it down freely or create a list of various items. Treat it as an ongoing exercise. Keep updating the list as you achieve new things, such as graduating high school, rescuing a puppy, or winning an award. Also, focus on the things that make you happy just being yourself. Maybe you enjoy your smile or appreciate your goal-oriented personality.
• Return to your list whenever doubts arise or when you feel you are falling short of expectations. Reminding yourself of everything you've done will help foster a more positive self-image.

Extend a helping hand to others. Numerous studies have shown that people who help others or volunteer have higher self-esteem. It might seem counterintuitive because helping others also boosts how you feel about yourself, but research indicates that connecting with others increases positive feelings within ourselves.

• Furthermore, helping others makes us happier! Plus, you're creating change in someone else's life. Not only will you feel happier, but the person you’re helping will also experience that joy.
• There are plenty of opportunities to get involved and make a difference. Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Coach a children’s sports team during the summer. Lend a hand when a friend needs help, prepare meals, and store them in the freezer to support someone. You could even volunteer at a local animal care facility.

Create a daily affirmation. An affirmation is a positive statement that helps build confidence and motivates you. Make it a habit to come up with a positive affirmation every day for yourself, just as you would for a specific task, to restore your sense of self-worth and increase your self-compassion. After all, you wouldn't treat a friend the way you treat yourself. Instead, you'd show compassion when someone else feels guilty or embarrassed. Do the same for yourself. Be kind to yourself. Dedicate time each day to speak, write, or think positive affirmations. Some examples are:

• "I am a good person. I deserve the best, even if I’ve done some controversial things in the past."
• "I make mistakes, and I learn from them."
• "I have so much to offer this world. I am valuable to myself and others."

Understand the difference between opinion and fact. Many people struggle to distinguish between the two. A fact is an indisputable truth, while an opinion is something you think, which may be based on some facts but is not itself a truth.

• For instance, "I am 17 years old" is a fact. You were born 17 years ago, and you have a birth certificate to prove it. There’s no doubt about this truth. However, "I am dumb for my age" is an opinion. Even if you could provide evidence to support this, such as not being able to drive or not having a job, if you think about it more carefully, you might reconsider. Perhaps you can’t drive because your parents are too busy to teach you, or maybe you can’t afford driving lessons. Perhaps you don’t have a job because you spend a lot of time after school taking care of your siblings.
• Thinking more deeply about an opinion helps you realize that negative opinions can often be re-evaluated with a more thoughtful perspective.

Appreciate your uniqueness. When you compare yourself to others, you deceive yourself by measuring your individuality. Remember, you are one of a kind, and you have so much to contribute to the world. Leave behind the feelings of shame and shine by being yourself.

• Focus on highlighting your personality and the things that truly make you, you, rather than hiding behind a social mask to conform. Maybe you enjoy mixing quirky outfits and patterns in your own way. Perhaps you have a passion for Europop. Maybe you’re particularly skilled at building or fixing things with your hands. Focus on your strengths and never hide them. You might be surprised (and impressed!) by the ideas that emerge when you develop certain skills and perspectives. Alan Turing, Steve Jobs, and Thomas Edison are examples of individuals whose unique qualities helped them cultivate many inventions and extraordinary contributions.
• There’s no book that says you MUST be like everyone else, have the same hobbies, or follow the same life path. For example, not everyone needs to follow current fashion trends, listen to the same music, or settle down and have children by the age of 30. These are simply things the media and society promote, not universal life truths. Do what’s best for you and what brings you joy and happiness. Remember, only you need to recognize how wonderful you are. Live for yourself, not for anyone else. So, follow your own rhythm and not anyone else’s.

Engage in positive social support. Almost everyone benefits from social and emotional support, whether it's from family, friends, colleagues, or others in their social network. It's incredibly helpful to talk things through and strategize with others about issues. Interestingly, social support enhances our ability to handle personal problems as it boosts our self-esteem.

• Research consistently shows a correlation between social support and self-esteem, so when people believe they have social support, their self-esteem and sense of self-worth rise. As a result, if you feel supported by those around you, you'll feel better about yourself and be able to manage negative emotions and stress more effectively.
• When it comes to social support, it's important to recognize that there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach for everyone. Some people prefer to have a few close friends they can turn to, while others expand their network and seek support from neighbors, church members, or religious communities.
• Find trustworthy friends who can maintain confidentiality. Remember, avoid relying on people who make you feel bad about yourself, even if they don't mean to do so.
• Social support can also take many modern forms. If you're anxious about having face-to-face conversations, you can still connect with family and friends or meet new people through social media, video chats, or email.

Consult with a mental health professional. If you're struggling to improve your self-esteem and/or feel that shame is negatively impacting your mental and physical daily functioning, you should consider making an appointment with a counselor, psychologist, or psychiatrist.

• In many cases, specialists can help you develop effective strategies to enhance your self-image. Keep in mind that sometimes people can't solve everything on their own. Moreover, therapy has been shown to have a significant impact on improving self-esteem and quality of life.
• Additionally, a professional can help you address any other mental health concerns stemming from feelings of shame and low self-esteem, such as depression and anxiety.
• It's important to understand that seeking help is a sign of strength, not a sign of failure or weakness.