Buzz
It can be quite challenging to witness a friend struggling with pain. The cause might range from the loss of a loved one or someone they cherish, an illness, a breakup, or even poor academic performance. While you may not always be able to offer constant encouragement, there are numerous ways to ensure they know you’re there to support them and help them move past their pain.
Steps
Be There for Them
Listen. Listening is one of the most crucial actions you can take for someone in distress. Active listening demonstrates your care and shows them that you are fully present. Often, intentional listening is more valuable than any other gesture.
- When you truly listen, eliminate all distractions. This means avoiding phone use or conversations with others.
- Try to maintain eye contact while they speak. You don’t need to stare, but eye contact shows you’re focused. It’s also a great way to avoid distractions.
- Let your friend know they can call you anytime. Sometimes, friends rely on each other, and being a good friend means being available, even during inconvenient times.
Ask open-ended questions. Instead of immediately sharing your own feelings, opinions, and experiences, inquire about your friend’s experiences. For example, if they share about a breakup, ask how they’re feeling and what they need from you.
- Instead of asking, "Are you sad?" try saying, "How are you feeling?" or "What can I do to help you?"
Spend time with them. When people are sad, they may want to withdraw and be alone. However, individuals tend to function better when their social needs are met. Excessive isolation can lead to mental and physical breakdowns. Think of enjoyable activities you can do together. Being present and engaging in fun activities can help uplift them.
- Suggest visiting their place, watching a movie, or having a meal together. Any activity that allows quality time together can be beneficial.
Offer physical comfort. Touch is a unique language that can convey your presence and reassurance. Always ask for consent before offering physical comfort, as some may not be comfortable with it.
- A hug can be healing and significant. If they’re upset, especially if they’re highly sensitive, a hug or a gentle touch on the arm can signal your support and safety.
- If your friend isn’t comfortable with touch, consider bringing your dog or encouraging them to cuddle their cat. Animals can provide immense comfort, and many people feel calmer when petting a dog or cat.
Learn to empathize, not sympathize. Sympathy is feeling pity for someone, while empathy involves understanding their pain. Strive to experience their feelings and let them know you understand their suffering.
- For example, if your friend Mai’s husband has passed away, sympathy might sound like, "Poor Mai. I’m sorry for your loss." Empathy, on the other hand, would be, "Oh Mai, I feel the pain of losing your husband and the love you had for him."
Make their life easier. When a friend is experiencing deep pain, even basic tasks can feel overwhelming. Let them know you’re willing to help with some responsibilities to ease their burden.
- Offer to cook for them or help clean their house. When people are sad, they often neglect household chores.
- You can go shopping together or drive them to a medical appointment.
- Think about the most helpful ways to assist your friend and bring them joy.
- Always ask how you can help instead of assuming what might make them feel better. Avoid assumptions when offering support.
Give them a gift. Who doesn’t feel uplifted when receiving a gift? This gesture reminds them that people still care. While you can’t always be there in person, you can ensure they don’t feel like they’re enduring their struggles alone.
- Bake a batch of cookies and deliver them with a note expressing your care.
- Choose an item that reminds you of them and send it along with a heartfelt card.
- Send something small that might make them laugh: a funny card, a humorous story, or a photo of the two of you doing something silly in the past. Keep it light and focus on what might bring a smile to their face.
Distract Them
Go for a walk. Sometimes, a change of scenery can help your friend stop dwelling on what’s troubling them. Take a stroll around the neighborhood and notice interesting, unusual, or funny sights.
- Live in the moment. Instead of focusing on their problems, pay attention to the color of the sky or discuss an unusual smell. Observe animals and immerse yourselves in the surroundings.
Watch a movie. Films and TV shows are a great way to help them take their mind off things, at least for a little while.
- Avoid sad movies. For example, if their father recently passed away from cancer, steer clear of films about parental death or cancer. Similarly, if they’ve just gone through a breakup, romantic movies might not be the best choice. Keep it light and entertaining.
Be silly together. Being silly is a fantastic way to distract them from their pain and encourage laughter. As the saying goes, "Laughter is the best medicine." It also has health benefits and can improve bodily functions.
- Relive the past. Build a blanket fort, make snowmen together, talk in funny voices, or replace walking with skipping or hopping.
- Create silly art, like drawing a goofy portrait or writing a nonsensical poem.
Engage in a novel activity together. Trying something new and unconventional can be an excellent distraction and may boost happiness. This means shifting focus from the issue causing distress to something entirely different.
Help others together. Assisting others can reduce stress, enhance empathy, and build resilience. These are crucial for someone going through tough times.
Travel. Sometimes, the best way to distract a friend from unhappiness is to travel. Visiting new places can divert their attention from the sorrow they are experiencing.
Avoid common mistakes
Allow the person to be sad. Avoid saying things like 'cheer up.' This can be one of the worst things to say to someone who is suffering, especially if they are dealing with depression or anxiety. Such statements can make them feel invalidated.
Don't avoid the person. It can be challenging to find the right words when facing someone in pain. However, avoiding your friend due to discomfort is not the solution. Instead, offer supportive statements like, "I’m sorry. I’m here for you if you need anything."
Focus on them. Avoid making their pain about you. Many people unintentionally shift the conversation to themselves, which can feel dismissive. Instead of sharing your own experiences, validate their feelings and offer your presence.
Avoid offering solutions unless asked. Often, people just want to be heard and understood, not given advice. For example, instead of suggesting they adopt a new pet after losing one, express empathy and offer support.
Know your limits
Take care of yourself. Supporting someone emotionally can be draining. Set boundaries to ensure you don’t neglect your own needs. It’s okay to say no and prioritize your well-being while still being a caring friend.
Know when to encourage seeking professional help. Sometimes, people can’t handle their emotions and challenges alone. As a friend, you should suggest they consult a professional. Seeking help is perfectly normal, especially during tough times like divorce, loss of a loved one, or illness.
Call for help if the person is in danger. If your friend is experiencing violence, abuse, or suicidal thoughts, contact emergency services immediately. Prioritize their safety and let professionals handle the situation.
Advice
- You can’t always make someone happy. Sometimes, it’s okay to let your friend feel sad or upset. Just ensure you’re there for them whenever they need you.
