Buzz
How do you feel after meeting a friend and returning home? Dr. Adam Dorsay, a licensed psychologist, believes that your response to this question reveals a lot about whether the friendship is worth your time and effort to nurture.
Steps
Confirm that you are in a toxic friendship.
Review the signs that indicate this friendship is not healthy to help you make the decision to end it. Ending a friendship is never easy, but when you clearly understand why you're leaving, you'll feel more confident when you hit 'send' on that message. Your feelings about this person are likely accurate, but to clarify further, ask yourself the following questions to identify toxic friendship signs:
- "Do I worry they'll unload anger or disappointment onto me?"
- "Does this friendship feel like an emotional rollercoaster?"
- "Do they make me feel like I have to compete with their other friends?"
- "Is the amount of time they talk to me equal to the time I give them? Do they truly listen?"
- "Are they kind to me, or do they frequently criticize me?"
- "How often does this friend reach out to check in on me? Are we both making equal effort in the relationship?"
- "Are they trying to grow and better themselves?"
Consider offering a second chance.
If ending the friendship feels too harsh or sad, try reconsidering the situation. Set clear expectations for that friend's behavior and determine what will happen if they fail to respect your boundaries. If they meet your expectations, you may not need to end the friendship. However, if they fail to respect your boundaries or can't strike a balance, you may have to make the final decision. In some cases, they might choose to stop seeing you after you've set boundaries.
- For example, if they repeatedly invite you out to eat when you don't want to, say: "Hey, we have plans for Friday, but I'd prefer to chat at home. If you'd rather go out, I won't join you."
- If they tend to blame you for everything, say: "It's hard to talk to you when you keep blaming me for everything. Please stop doing that. If you continue, I won't respond anymore."
Suggest taking a break for a while.
Say you want some time away from the friendship to focus on yourself. Draft a message about your needs in life rather than focusing on their behavior. This approach works well if you still need more time to assess your feelings about the friendship. It also helps avoid any conflicts that could arise from addressing their behavior. Simply set boundaries for personal space in communication (e.g., not responding if they are aggressive through texts), and clarify how long you'd like the "break" to last.
- "Lately, I've been feeling overwhelmed, so I want to take a month to focus on myself. I’d prefer we don't text or meet during that time."
- "I don’t want to meet anyone for a few weeks. I need some time and space to handle some personal matters."
- "Hey Tuấn, I really need a few quiet weeks. I'm feeling overloaded and can't be there for you fully right now."
Explain to them how this friendship is affecting you.
Use the phrase 'I feel' to describe how their behavior has affected you. Describe the situation, their actions, and how it impacted you. Then, make the decision about whether to end the friendship. By framing the message this way, you can address and validate your feelings while avoiding turning the conversation into a blame game.
- For example, add negative behavior after the phrase 'I feel,' like: 'Last week, I felt really upset when you commented on my past relationships, even though I asked you not to bring it up again.'
- Then, explain the impact: 'After that day, I realized I really need to be around people who support me and don’t judge me.'
Describe your personal growth process.
Text your friend about how both of you have changed. Emphasize that this isn’t about them or their behavior. Instead, talk about where you both are in life, mentioning your different interests, goals, and needs. It’s natural for friends to move into new stages of life and drift apart. In fact, transitions like graduating, getting married, changing jobs, etc., are some of the most common reasons friendships end.
- "We’re living in different places now and our interests aren’t the same anymore. I think it’s time for us to take a break and explore our own paths."
- "Recently, I’ve felt we have too many differences. I’ve been so busy with my new environment that I need to step back from our friendship to focus on my passions and personal interests."
- "Lately, I feel like we’ve drifted apart. We don’t even have time to sit down for coffee like we used to."
Make it clear that you want to end the friendship.
Use firm and direct phrases to say goodbye. A toxic friend might even try to argue with what you’ve said or pressure you. When that happens, let them know exactly what you want politely but firmly. You can refer to the following phrases when you want to end a friendship, once and for all:
- "I don’t want to continue this friendship. This relationship isn’t healthy for either of us."
- "I wish you all the best, but I can’t support you as a friend anymore."
- "I can’t keep going. I hope you understand."
- "I think we should end things here. I believe friends should understand and support each other. I hope you find that too."
End the conversation if they get angry with you.
A truly toxic person will monologue instead of engaging in a two-way conversation. If they begin to attack or get angry, don’t get pulled into it. Trust your feelings and your decision to end the relationship, and shorten the conversation by:
- Restating your main point: "This is how I feel. I don’t want to argue about this or debate whether we should still be friends."
- Sticking to your boundaries: "Don’t text me anymore!"
- Exiting the situation: Stop replying, switch your phone to airplane mode, or block their number/account if they continue to be aggressive.
- If they begin apologizing, ask yourself: “Have they ever apologized before? Can I trust that?” In many cases, a toxic friend will repeatedly apologize without changing their behavior. Reflect on whether you truly want to accept that apology or not.
Set expectations for future communication.
How strongly do you want to cut ties with this person? Will you be attending group events or hanging out with mutual friends? Similar to a breakup, you should think about the kind of interaction you want or don’t want with your toxic friend. Weigh the value of spending time with mutual friends against the negative emotions that come with interacting with the toxic person.
- Set boundaries for texting, calling, and in-person meetings, such as: "I think it’s best that we stop talking." or "I know we’ll see each other in class, but I don’t want to text anymore."
- Decide whether or not you’ll engage with them in group settings. You don’t have to interact directly with the toxic friend, but be prepared for social situations. For instance, you might feel comfortable being polite and socializing casually, or you might feel you’re not ready to interact with them at all.
Reduce the frequency of texting them to end the friendship.
Use this approach if you and the other person have started drifting apart. Has it been a while since you’ve seen each other? If so, let the friendship fade by minimizing contact. Although you'll need to adjust to the absence of this friend, focus on the bright future ahead without the burden of maintaining a toxic friendship.
- You don't need to feel compelled to respond to their messages immediately.
- There's no need to plan any meetups unless you genuinely want to.
Cut off communication with the toxic friend.
Block their contact information and social media accounts. This step applies to a truly toxic friend who consistently makes you feel uneasy or disrespects your requests to end the relationship. When someone causes you pain, sadness, and insecurity, you owe them nothing.
- Before taking this step, understand that the toxic person might react angrily. However, in a truly negative relationship, you have the right to walk away.
